When holding a hand is the only thing holding you together

be all there I have no idea who Jim Elliot is. Frankly, I was googling Ram Dass Oh well, I like this quote.

“Wherever you are, be there.”

I’ve been HERE for 9 weeks and some days, I’d give anything to be anywhere else.

On stage.


In bed.

Anywhere but in the craziness that is, walking someone home.

FYI, all whiskey does is make the here more pronounced.

That was disappointing.

Tonight, I just held her hand while she slept. Tonight was peaceful, and scary and sad all wrapped into one.

I leave in three days to go home for just two weeks. The time apart is already tugging at my heart strings.

We’ve been through so much in the last nine weeks. Words too many to count. Arguments with family members. Cleaning house both literally and emotionally. Laughter and tears. Three trips to the emergency room. Three times she almost died. Last rites, prayers, offerings, recovery, rehab, home health nurses, Breathing machines, back to the hospital and now a nursing home.

I lost my driver’s licence in the bottom of a dumpster, had my credit card lifted (got a new one) and today, I lost my cell phone somewhere between the hospital and her house.

No rock has been unturned, no words have been left unsaid.

Except Goodbye. We haven’t said that yet. Not really anyway.

Will she still be alive when I get back?

Doc says yes.

The nurses say yes.

She, is not so sure.

She’s fought the good fight.

She’s tired and wants to go home.

I can’t say as I blame her.

I’ve found myself longing for deep intelligent conversation, with anyone really about anything other than life and dying, but I haven’t the words. I’ve tried and they come out as jumbled as my insides.

There are people who’ve made the here better.

A step sister and husband who came to help.

Cousins who surprised me with their compassion and caring and physical help when needed.

A husband who took a week off just to be here with me.

Theo, the home health nurse who tried her darndest to make mom’s return home successful.

John who delivered her hospital bed and took the time to explain how everything worked, only to pick everything back up just a little over a week later and told me to “I am so sorry, hang in there kiddo.”

Cards from friends at home.

Little things really

Kindness and compassion from friends, family and strangers who aren’t afraid of the here.

It’s just enough to fill a weary heart.

So, I sit and I hold her hand while she sleeps.

It’s all I can do.

And for now, it’s enough for both of us.

Frankly my dear, I’m on a rant.

rhett damnNow I am sure my rant here doesn’t apply to you my dear readers. You guys are cool. But have you ever just wanted to grab someone by the collar and shake some sense into them? I do. Every time I open up Facebook or Twitter.

I spend a lot of time banging my head on the table. Really I do. Why? Because nobody cares about what is real or what is the truth. They want what sells. People want outrage. Humiliation. Self-Righteousness. Victimization. Nothing more. Nothing less. Who gives a damn about truth?

No one.

There are really horrible things going on in the world right now that is true.

Dead Lions.

Allegations of Black Market Baby Parts

Dead Marines.

I’m not discounting any of that.

The world has gone crazy for sure.

What kills me though – is the growing propaganda around all of it.

There is no such thing as true journalism any more. Today’s American press doesn’t report the news. They create it. And we feed off it like starving infants. It’s nuts.

Who cares if the stories are true or not.

We need our fix.

We need to feel involved, like we’re a part of the grand scheme of things.

Sure send that meme.

Ban that flag, OR wave that flag in the Presidents face when he visits in protest. (Thank you Oklahoma for yet again embarrassing us in front of the whole freakin world). Who cares?

Share that bogus story about that cheating woman or guy who didn’t really throw a dog out the window while driving his pickup. Share the names and addresses of the gay couple you refuse to bake a cake for so that your friends can send them death threats and then cry foul when they press charges and tell the whole world what victims you are.

Share the home address of the dentist/trophy hunter why don’t you? I’m sure that’ll teach him. — Granted doing something so stupid in this day an age and expect to keep your business open… the guys is a bit of a moron. Oh and while we’re outraged, let’s go after ALL hunters…

Do you know a friend of mine who hunts deer was told by someone on FB that she should be hunted and killed for sport? What the freakin heck is wrong with people?

Compare Planned Parenthood (Yes the videos are horrific. Equally horrific is the propaganda surrounding it. Claims dropped, no matter… keep spreading lies.) to a dead lion, or the marines that lost their lives in Chattanooga, and the confederate flag. Yes, all these things are horrible. Not discounting that. But to compare them on Facebook to see which is more horrible? No… let’s not do that.

Or go ahead, keep getting outraged because someone speaks out about a cause that is not your own and somehow that invalidates you.

Trash that politician,

Send that Tweet.

Who cares if none of it’s true.

Let’s have a trial by Facebook and Twitter for all of humanity. What they hell, let’s just chuck the whole constitution. Why not? Most of us really only like the parts that apply to ourselves anyways. Equal rights for all? PAH! Who needs that so long as my rights are fulfilled.

Not being famous enough to have an opinion on anything beyond what flavor ice cream I like, my head wants to explode some days. Yes I’ve been told that. Many of us “not famous enough yet”‘s keep our mouths shut about a lot of things. Until we get together anyway and then it’s all, “Can you believe this crap?” How are people buying it?

My opinions:

The flag stays. It has historical significance. Waving it in the presidents face however was racially motivated and repugnant.

The PP story was pure BS.. they were investigated, they are not selling baby parts. (Not an opinion, just fact). The news story was pure propaganda. Support them, don’t support them. irrelevant to the fact that they were investigated and are not breaking the law.

The young man who saved his fellow marines in Chattanooga by taking out the shooter deserves a medal, not a Court Marshall. Do what’s right America.

The Dentist… should be charged. Not extradited, but charged. He deserves to lose his business. He did not deserve to have his home addy shared with the world and his family put in danger. That was ridiculous.

My hunting friends, (Why yes Virginia we do hunt in Oklahoma), do not deserve death threats.

Innocent people are cyber bullied every day because truth and common decency no longer matter in this country.

Why is it… truth doesn’t matter?

Are we that bored with our own lives?

Can we please just get a grip America?