Category: Redemption’s Heart – pieces of my story

Perfectionism is self hatred in disguise.

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I would rather be naked than let you see me learn the banjo. That says a lot. I don’t do naked well. (Think Bob the tomato). Learning something new while people watch is apparently worse.

I call it being an introvert.

My husband calls it being a perfectionist.

Either way, I don’t like people seeing me or hearing me try something new until I master it.

The problem with that?

Life isn’t meant to be lived in a vacuum.

Truth is, I’ll let my husband see me naked, but I won’t let him sit out on the porch while I practice my banjo. For some reason I feel more vulnerable playing the banjo than I do in the nude.

Refusing to let my husband (he’s a professional musician on weekends) hear me play robs him of the joy of music.

I knew my anxiety level had reached an all time high when not only did I not want my husband to hear me play the banjo, I couldn’t play for my teacher either.

When we first started out with lessons — in May, I’d get so nervous that I made my instructor nervous.

That’s rough.

My husband finally offered me his great wisdom.

“This isn’t the Opry, it’s our back porch. Now lighten up and have fun already.”

I’ve been having a lot of fun since he said that. When I get frustrated (like I am tonight) I remind myself that I started playing the banjo on May 25 2012 and I missed three lessons in June because of traveling. So really, I’ve only been playing for four weeks. In those four weeks, I have learned chords, how to tune a banjo, how to read tabs, four basic rolls and now I’m learning slides.

My husband does not think less of me because I haven’t mastered this yet.

My instructor (who has been playing guitar for 40 and banjo for 3 years) does not think less of me because I’m not as good as he is.

Fact: I sing in the chorus of the second longest running presentation of Handel’s Messiah in the US. Have since 2000. I cannot read a lick of music. I’ve memorized the entire piece. That takes talent.

Learning how to create music brings me joy and will help me become a better songwriter.

Hating myself because I have the unrealistic expectation of mastering something over night (like slides) is ridiculous.

This isn’t the Opry.

It’s my back porch.

I hereby give myself permission to not be great while I learn with the knowledge that every time I try, I will get better.

What new thing are you trying to learn right now?

Are you willing to be kind to yourself while you learn?

Why Redemption’s Heart; Between a Rock and a Hard Place

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Sometimes

………………..there are no good choices.

………………………Sometimes

……………………………..life throws us for a loop.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

2003 was just such a time.

The most interesting thing to me is while the year was stormy and my heart felt as if it had been broken into a million pieces, my walk with God has never been more intimate.

My journal that year reflects two prayers and only two.

  1. This hurts and I’m afraid.
  2. Teach me how to forgive.

In the midst of the storm, I lost sight of who I am. I allowed man to define my worth instead of God. Fortunately, God did not remain silent. We spent a lot of time unpacking Isaiah 43. So much so, it’s now my life verse in many ways.

  1. I don’t have to be afraid because God made me exactly as I am. I’ve been redeemed. I’ve been called by name. I am His. He is with me.
  2. Because He is God, my personal God, my Savior — we have a relationship. We have such an amazing relationship that he is willing to not only walk through the waters and fires of my daily life, his hand keeps them from overwhelming me. He paid a huge price for me. (John 3:16), He is willing to trade in the entire world just for me. Even though my earthly relationships suffer hardship, death, and sometimes rejection, my relationship with him is one of love and protection.
  3. He wants back every last one of us that bears his name, no matter where we travel or how far away from him we are — he searches for us and wants us back.
  4. We are created for His Glory. He personally formed each and every one of us. — This includes those who hurt us. Knowing who we are in Christ strengthens us. Knowing who you (or they as in my perceived enemies) are in Christ – teaches me mercy.

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Isaiah 43 – The Message

When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place

1-4 But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you. 5-7“So don’t be afraid: I’m with you.
I’ll round up all your scattered children,
pull them in from east and west.
I’ll send orders north and south:
‘Send them back.
Return my sons from distant lands,
my daughters from faraway places.
I want them back, every last one who bears my name,
every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
yes, personally formed and made each one.'”

—————————

What does it mean to live like you are forgiven?

Know the one who created you.

Don’t be afraid.

Trust him through the storms of life.

Show mercy to others.

Forgive.

What does Isaiah 43 say to you?


My Stage Fright is Gone

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I almost didn’t get on stage. It didn’t matter to me that everyone got 60 seconds to practice what we’d learned that week and that we were all equals. I took one at everyone else and decided – yet again – I wasn’t enough. I hate it when I do that. Whenever I give fear […]

Pondering Peace

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Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

Have you ever been so blown away by God that all you could do was ponder? If I were to sum up my feelings and my heart over the past week, that would be it. I’m treasuring all that I have seen and pondering those things in my heart right now.

Now there is a word you don’t hear much, PONDER. What does ponder mean?

According to the Merriam/Webster Dictionary

transitive verb
1
: to weigh in the mind : appraise <pondered their chances of success>
2
: to think about : reflect on <pondered the events of the day>
intransitive verb
: to think or consider especially quietly, soberly, and deeply
 I made a decision recently that has a few people in an uproar. Only a handful of those closest to my heart and inner circle know about this decision. I know that I am following God and that he is not a God of division and I am trusting that he will find a way.
Please forgive me for choosing to keep it close to my heart for the time being. I’ve actually been writing on it at great lengths in private and yet it’s not coming together. I do know why now. It’s not coming together because I’ve been trying to testify to myself rather than of God. I’m defending and not proclaiming. I’m stuck in worry when I should be resting in hope.
When the fullness of time comes and only once He gives me the words, I will testify to Him.
Luke 2113 And so you will bear testimony to me. 14 But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. 15 For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. 16 You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. 17 Everyone will hate you because of me. 18 But not a hair of your head will perish. 19 Stand firm, and you will win life.

Entertaining Angels, God with Skin On

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Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it. Hebrews 13:2

It is important to have friends you can be 100% yourself with. I have those. We try our best to be there for each other whenever we are needed. Life happens sometimes though and our friends are not always available. Those are the moments I take to God. Sometimes he sends me someone, and sometimes it’s just us. He must have known I needed an angel this week.

Well, not literally, I don’t think anyway. I can say one thing, they did not come in the neatly wrapped package I usually prefer (ie well known to me and female.) They are part of a group I am in and I believe they use a nom de plume. People I trust know them and therefore I talk to them on occasion. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know that blind trust is a sin and we don’t discuss anything deep or too revealing – safety rules and all – but we do talk sometimes, mostly about comedy, sometimes about faith. I like the whole no preconceived expectations aspect of that and I enjoy talking with them. They know more than I and I love surrounding myself with people further down the path. It’s how I grow.

I also set boundaries because they appear to be male. I’m not above temptation and will not replace things I should tell my husband with a stranger. There is no lure in that for me. I’m in ministry to serve God. Even so, I am fully aware of my own potential pitfalls and watch for those slopes.  The fact that He (meaning God) can even use me astounds me sometimes. I don’t want to mess that up.

I find it interesting how willing we are to let down our masks with strangers, more so than with friends. While I reveal a lot here for you, I do strive to keep the private out of the personal. I only share that which I think might benefit someone else because we are not alone in our daily struggles. Some things are universal. While it is true there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, not everything is everyone’s business nor do I wish to glamorize sin.

I’m a sinner saved by Grace, through faith. No more. No less.

Even so, I caught myself telling him things I don’t typically share with people in my comedy group. Like how I wasn’t raised in a church. I don’t talk about that. Must have needed to.

 I caught myself wanting to know who they really were and even tried to trick them at one point. The Holy Spirit tweaked me on that one and I apologized.  I finally gave up the ghost.  I believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason. This weekend I needed a prayer partner. I was genuinely upset about something and had requested prayer for a person. I failed to explain that I was on the ceiling myself over the situation but somehow talking with them calmed me down.

Ministry can do that. So many people are hurting in this world and I’ve yet to find a channel or way to listen to their hurt without drowning in it myself. I never want to become so cold-hearted that I feel nothing when someone shares pain. Even so, balance is good.

 I needed someone to talk to and this person was there and I appreciate that.

Truth is, knowing me, as much as I’d like to believe I’d be fully myself I’d probably try to impress them with my brilliance or baffle them with my BS and neither sounds satisfying. 

God gave me an ear to listen, and heart to hear and prayers when I needed them most.

Not knowing who he really is, keeps God’s face ever before me. — And for that, I am thankful.

“I will not wish thee riches nor the glow of greatness, but that wherever thou go, some weary heart shall gladden at thy smile, or shadowed life know sunshine for awhile. And so thy path shall be a track of light, like angels‘ footsteps passing through” — Words on a church wall in Upwaltham England

Grace on the Brain

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A friend posted today – “”If you could read my mind, I’m pretty sure you’d be traumatized for life.”

I know the feeling. I’ve read my mind, it’s not the best place to get lost in and I usually try not to go there alone.

My youngest graduated high school last week and we spent the week going through old photos.

Old photos trigger memories some good, some well.. best left in the box in the bottom of the closet.

No not really, that’s a lie from Satan- those memories need the supernatural touch of Christ. They too are redemptive.

While I was looking for our old pictures I found a box full of tapes and a journal from twenty years ago. It’s not one of those cute diaries from when we were kids either. It was me at 28. Heartbroken, lost, confused and scared out of my mind. I’d just joined my very first church ever and I felt like I was sneaking into heaven on a borrowed halo.

I am here to tell you that my Christian walk has not been pretty. It’s full of missteps, starts, stops, highs and lows. I think that’s okay today. My heart grieves a bit for that young confused woman who was so afraid of God and everyone else, including herself. I like that my faith in God doesn’t come in a neatly wrapped bow with pretty wrapping paper. It’s muddy and messy and wholly mine because I am wholly His.

When my mentors ran out of words and ways to reach through my brick walls they handed me tapes. I have old videos of Ken Davis, The Gaithers, Joyce Meyer, and a bunch of Kay Arthur. They reached me when no one else could.

When my son’s school chose to play a Gloria Gaither video at graduation, I figured it was a sign or something. A nod from God that says “I see you. Remember when?” Those crocodile tears that fell that night were not tears of shame, but of gratitude for all he’s done in my life.

Ephesians tells me that I am the Beloved of God. In love: I am blessed, chosen, adopted, redeemed, forgiven and an heir with Christ.

Salvation isn’t just fire insurance.

Jesus didn’t die just to keep me out of hell.

He rose again that I too might live abundantly.

One of my all time favorite Gaither songs says “He that sat upon the throne said behold, I make all things new. ”

Yes He does.

And if it isn’t new, He isn’t finished yet.

Distractions of a Redheaded UFO

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If it’s not laundry

the dogs

the boys

my husband

my bladder

or the radio

It’s twitter,

Facebook

my Iphone

or the sunshine.

I’m supposed to be writing for four hours a day.

That’s my goal.

God promises me in 2 Timothy1:7  “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.”

God’s already given me all of that. Discipline and self control need work. HA!

Spiritual muscles in need of strengthening.

What distracts you?

 

 

God is showing off again.

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I promised myself I wouldn’t cry when my son graduated last night. And I didn’t. Then the commencement speech started. So much for promises. For the first time in 23 years, the administrator of the school gave the commencement speech. I’m sure the speech had points worth remembering. I’m glad we recorded it because I only remember one part. Halfway through his speech the administrator made direct eye contact with me when he said, “Beloved Daughter of the Living King, Live like you are forgiven.” – yep, that turned me into a waterfall  of big old alligator tears.

That can only mean one thing.

God’s up to something.

Have Mercy.

Friday Funny

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My two sons are polar opposites. My oldest is cool calm and collected. Nothing phases him. I call him Gandhi. My youngest is a daredevil. I call him Chicken Little. I call him that because when he’s around the sky usually is falling and it’s because he’s blown something up.

If I had not been an active participant in their births, I would not believe they are brothers.

One day my youngest went through the neighborhood and gathered as many tree frogs as he could find. He then tied them to helium balloons and let them go. Once his frogs were over head he grabbed his air-soft gun and shot them down like skeet.

Gandhi – seeing the plague of frogs descending upon our house, tore his clothes and fasted for a week.

Have a great weekend and remember – you are awesome and nobody can take that away from you.