Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

I’ll be honest, some days I feel more like my old self than I do my new. Some days the old me emerges out of nowhere and I wonder if I’ve grown any at all. Thankfully, feelings aren’t facts.

The old me was really really cute, and man did she know how to work it. I still do and I hate it. As much as I hate how good I am at cute, there was a time when I hated being called out on it even more. And yet, I have a mentor, and a multitude of friends who when seeing my “cute self” try to push her way around, call me out on it. A lot. I am learning to appreciate that even if it hurts. That’s what happens when you hang out around 12 step rooms for too long. You learn to appreciate things you used to resent. – Like the truth. It took me a long time before I ever allowed people to tell me the truth. While I’m selective today about who gets to, I still allow it because I know I need it from time to time.

“I’m cute and I know how to work it!” Said no self-respecting woman, ever! —Tweet This

Playing cute is a lack of trust as well as a lack of respect both for ourselves and our victims.

My cute self got us in a butt load of trouble when I was younger. So much trouble in fact it cost me the respect of my co-workers, friends, and myself. What made me change? A man. An honest one at that.

Do you know what he said to me?

“Don’t get me wrong darlin, I love my wife. I just think we’d be good in bed together.”

I didn’t feel very cute after hearing those words come out of his mouth. Actually, I never felt more alone, hurt, and ashamed in my life. My cute self had behaved us into a really nasty corner and I felt stuck. I’d pursued him, if I’m being honest, under the guise of we work together, we should hang out. What’s the harm in that? Not that he wasn’t willing, ready and able, but I digress. Every time we hung out after work was at my invitation, never his. And we rarely hung out in a crowd, it was usually just us and a couple of beers.

My excuse at the time “I thought we were just buds. I never saw that coming, HE’s the jerk, not me.” — It took me a few weeks (okay years plus a few 12 steps, sponsors and finally a flat on my back moment of surrender) to stop lying to myself. Even though I wasn’t willing to admit it at the time, deep down, I didn’t want him to love his wife, I wanted him to love me. Now that the truth was out, I couldn’t lie, I couldn’t pretend and boy did it hurt.

The truth is, they always love their wives and you and I deserve better than meaningless table scraps. We deserve the whole banquet and yet due to moments of extreme stupidity, loneliness, lack of self-esteem or what ever you want to blame we are easily tempted to settle for so much less.

Instead of being the kind of woman that brings out the whole man, we play the cute little girl who can manipulate boys and nobody wins.

“I love my wife…” I heard these words more than two decades ago, and I have never forgotten them. My life changed that night.

Yes, I turned him down. Just in case you were wondering. Not that it matters really. It still cost me my job eventually. I also cried for weeks. Cute stopped being fun. It stopped working. Cute wanted love, not a cheap one night stand with a married co-worker. I had to kick her to the curb if I was ever going to get what I really wanted and kick her to the curb I did.

The problem I have with Miss Cute Self is she likes to make an appearance every once in a while just to see if she’s still got it. That’s when my brain kicks in and tries to tell me that I will never change.

I have a news flash, my brain lies. For one thing the committee that meets are a bunch of drunks, misfits, co-dependents, floozies, and stone throwers. They are the nay-sayers of life and live to prove that I’ll wind up homeless and rejected tomorrow if I’m not careful. They like to wring their hands and show slides from the past. They like to try to prove that what tripped me up yesterday will surely trip me up today and I need to stay in my little cocoon and keep up my old tricks in order to survive.

Every time my brain rehearses the past to take away my present reality, I lose the chance to grow. Committees are just dementiated liars. (I made that word up – my committee suffers from memory loss and warped perceptions of reality.) I don’t care how many times I hit replay on that DVR’d memory, it’s going to be foggy. Did I say this or that? What did they really say? When did that really happen? All I get are sound bites and nothing more. Just enough really to want to cling to my old habit, old hurts, old resentments, old anger, whatever.

I miss out on so much when I let the committee have its way with me. When I get lost in my mind as I’m prone to do, I need a referee. I need an advocate. I need Christ to take over and set things straight. Once I have that, I can ignore them when they call. Unlike my committee, God doesn’t keep score. I’m told in psalm 130 that he keeps no record of our sins. I think that’s fantastic. He’s not some boogie man in the sky waiting to strike me dead or hold me to account for my past — he covered that with the cross.

There are still old habits, old behaviors, and old memories that trip me up from time to time even today. That doesn’t mean I haven’t changed or grown. It doesn’t mean I have to keep doing those things either. When I catch myself in an old behavior (or have an old behavior pointed out by a friend) I can choose to react and behave differently right this minute. Yep, I’m back to choices.

I have friends who believe in me enough to tell me the truth. Sometimes it’s a “yeah you, you so got this!” and sometimes it’s things like, grow up, quit being a victim, don’t manipulate me, and take responsibility for your choices.

I don’t have to crumble when someone points out something I know to be an old behavior surfacing. It’s not the end of the world. I don’t have to allow the committee to take over with their doctored evidence. I can own it, apologize and move on. And it’s over and done with. I love that.

Sometimes there are tears because it hurts. Hurts is okay. It means I’m alive. Allowing myself to be open enough to these friends is a good thing – and a somewhat new thing. Ken Davis said it well in his book Fully Alive, If you choose to move forward in your quest to live fully alive, you will fall, it will hurt…and it will be worth it.

I have friends who love me enough to help me kick her to the curb when they see her and I love that. I don’t need to be cute with them. I just need to be me.

Contrary to what the committee says, I don’t need my cute self in order to survive anymore nor do I have to stare at my past and believe I’m never going to change. I have changed and that is good news.

What old habits trip you up? Do you let them define your day? How do you change?

Wordless Wednesdays: Peace

September 26, 2012September 26, 2012 DeanaLeave a comment

Cherokee Proverb, Our Highest Calling

August 21, 2012August 21, 2012 Deana1 Comment

From: The Great Spirit Facebook Page

I’ll be honest, I’m a bit of an independent female with a very strong “I so got this” mentality. Over the past few days, I have found myself at the end of myself. I don’t “got this.” Someone is trying to take advantage of me and I have to set painful boundaries. I am at the moment surrounded by some great female friends as well as some wonderful male friends who are standing around me in a figurative way – and keeping me safe. I awoke this morning feeling loved, and feeling safe. That does not suck.

Quote: When You Feel Afraid

August 20, 2012August 29, 2012 Deana3 Comments

I really like this gals work — if you’d like to see more go to LUPYHA HERMIN FACEBOOK PAGE.

What I’m Reading Right Now: Fully Alive by Ken Davis.

August 1, 2012 Deana2 Comments

I am a huge Ken Davis fan. If you read my blog, you know that. I feel like I owe him a lot and I tend to gush when I talk about his impact on my life over the past 20 years.

Depression does horrible things to people. I have friends who can’t bring themselves to eat when they are depressed. HA! Not to be flip, but I don’t have that problem. When I went through my depression from 2004-2008 I went from 154 lbs to 207 lbs in just a few years. Instead of needing to lose 20 pounds, I now need to lose 60. Not fun. I’ve spent the last four years gaining and losing the same 20 pounds. To add insult to injury I have friends and family who thought taking bad photos of me would convict me to change. Nope, just made me camera-shy.

When I met Ken in 2009, he talked about how he was planning to ride in a triathlon of sorts. The dude is in his 60’s. I was 43 and in no condition to even think of doing such a thing. The photos never bothered me. Sitting in a room listening to a man old enough to be my father talk about a life change, got to me. I started following his blog. He placed second for his age group in said triathlon. He’s not depressed any more. His spiritual life is changing. His personal life is improving.

Now he has my attention.

I had an unexpected hysterectomy in 2010 and my doctor told me I HAVE to lose weight. I listened. I pursued multiple forms of diet and exercise and learned my ankle does not tolerate a lot of things. My bulimia became active again and I had to deal with that monster one more time. (Walking in victory today) I learned that walking, running, Zumba, Step Aerobics are all out as my ankle cannot handle the strain. I can however ride a bike and so I purchased my first real bike last October. I even lost 20 pounds (again) if you’ll recall. Then I got busy and gained it all back.

I got my first copy of Fully Alive in June and devoured it in three days. No lie. Loved the book. I even took the DVD to my Mom’s and we laughed ourselves stupid for an hour. Then something humbling happened. My husband started reading the book and asking me questions about passages. “So what do you think of thus and such? I like his point, don’t you?”

I must have missed that passage.

“Oh well how about…..”

Nope..

“Did you read the book or did you skim it?”

I read it.

Hmmmm

OUCH.

My goal was to read the book. I read the book. I never allowed it to digest. I Deana, am a passive participant in literary pursuits. Nothing traversed past my brain. Sure I highlighted great tweetable quotes, but you know what – reading without gaining the nourishment intended and much needed and then regurgitating it all back to you guys makes me a literary bulimic.

Yuck.

My husband went out and purchased a new bike himself. He is at the “I own a grown up bike and it isn’t a Huffy” honeymoon phase. He wants me to ride with him. I like that. I also want to really read Fully Alive, not from a passive stand point, but as an active participant. I want to digest the chapters and get the words from my brain and into my heart. Once I do that, I plan to walk it out with my husband and with you guys.

Do you want to join me?

Benjamin Franklin is quoted as saying, “Many men die at 25 and aren’t buried until they are 75.” This book is intended to wake up these people.

Fully Alive uncovers forgotten signs of life in a culture seemingly filled with the opposite. Through action steps that led to his physical, mental, social, and spiritual health, Ken Davis recounts his journey back to the land of the living and the signs of life he found along the way.

The anchoring focus is based on the apostle Paul’s quest for life, when he said, “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection.” A power greater than death is available for what we face today? Who doesn’t want a piece of that?

Filled with narrative stories, humor, and practical help, this book is for anyone who wants to live fully and wonders just what that might look like in daily life.

Many people are lurching in the twilight, hoping to sing once again…living lives of quiet desperation, searching in vain for signs of life.

St. Irenaeus said, “The Glory of God is man fully alive.” For those who have been sidelined in life, for those tempted to give up, this book screams…Live!

In Fully Alive, readers will learn how to:

Discover the adventure hiding in the middle of the mundane.
Exchange the pain of unmet expectations for the joy of living with expectancy.
Get unstuck and take the first step that will lead to a new body, mind and spirit.
Kick guilt to the curb and experience real freedom.
Drive a stake into the heart of your everyday fears and live again.
Tap into a power that will protect you whether you’re crawling through the valley or standing on the mountain top

You were made for more. It’s time to reignite your desire and live Fully Alive! Go here http://fullyalivebook.com/ for more information.

Almost Wordless Wednesday: Thelma Wells, the Uniqueness of Prayer

June 27, 2012June 27, 2012 Deana1 Comment

How many of you have ever been to Women of Faith?

How many of you have heard of Thelma Wells? Also known as Mama T.

I had the awesome privilege of hostessing Mrs Wells when she spoke at E-Women in Tulsa several years ago. This woman has a mothering spirit so strong that I wanted to crawl into her lap. I listen to her when ever I can. God uses her in wonderful ways. Rejoice greatly oh daughter’s of Zion.

This talk was recorded on Mother’s Day at Trinity Church in Cedar Hill Texas this year. I hope it blesses you as much as it did me.

Enjoy.

To learn more about Mama T, you can check out her web page HERE

Why Redemption’s Heart; Between a Rock and a Hard Place

June 25, 2012 DeanaLeave a comment

Sometimes

………………..there are no good choices.

………………………Sometimes

……………………………..life throws us for a loop.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

2003 was just such a time.

The most interesting thing to me is while the year was stormy and my heart felt as if it had been broken into a million pieces, my walk with God has never been more intimate.

My journal that year reflects two prayers and only two.

This hurts and I’m afraid.
Teach me how to forgive.

In the midst of the storm, I lost sight of who I am. I allowed man to define my worth instead of God. Fortunately, God did not remain silent. We spent a lot of time unpacking Isaiah 43. So much so, it’s now my life verse in many ways.

I don’t have to be afraid because God made me exactly as I am. I’ve been redeemed. I’ve been called by name. I am His. He is with me.
Because He is God, my personal God, my Savior — we have a relationship. We have such an amazing relationship that he is willing to not only walk through the waters and fires of my daily life, his hand keeps them from overwhelming me. He paid a huge price for me. (John 3:16), He is willing to trade in the entire world just for me. Even though my earthly relationships suffer hardship, death, and sometimes rejection, my relationship with him is one of love and protection.
He wants back every last one of us that bears his name, no matter where we travel or how far away from him we are — he searches for us and wants us back.
We are created for His Glory. He personally formed each and every one of us. — This includes those who hurt us. Knowing who we are in Christ strengthens us. Knowing who you (or they as in my perceived enemies) are in Christ – teaches me mercy.

————————–

Isaiah 43 – The Message

When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place

^1-4 But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you. ^5-7“So don’t be afraid: I’m with you.
I’ll round up all your scattered children,
pull them in from east and west.
I’ll send orders north and south:
‘Send them back.
Return my sons from distant lands,
my daughters from faraway places.
I want them back, every last one who bears my name,
every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
yes, personally formed and made each one.'”

—————————

What does it mean to live like you are forgiven?

Know the one who created you.

Don’t be afraid.

Trust him through the storms of life.

Show mercy to others.

Forgive.

What does Isaiah 43 say to you?

Grace on the Brain

May 21, 2012 Deana3 Comments

A friend posted today – “”If you could read my mind, I’m pretty sure you’d be traumatized for life.”

I know the feeling. I’ve read my mind, it’s not the best place to get lost in and I usually try not to go there alone.

My youngest graduated high school last week and we spent the week going through old photos.

Old photos trigger memories some good, some well.. best left in the box in the bottom of the closet.

No not really, that’s a lie from Satan- those memories need the supernatural touch of Christ. They too are redemptive.

While I was looking for our old pictures I found a box full of tapes and a journal from twenty years ago. It’s not one of those cute diaries from when we were kids either. It was me at 28. Heartbroken, lost, confused and scared out of my mind. I’d just joined my very first church ever and I felt like I was sneaking into heaven on a borrowed halo.

I am here to tell you that my Christian walk has not been pretty. It’s full of missteps, starts, stops, highs and lows. I think that’s okay today. My heart grieves a bit for that young confused woman who was so afraid of God and everyone else, including herself. I like that my faith in God doesn’t come in a neatly wrapped bow with pretty wrapping paper. It’s muddy and messy and wholly mine because I am wholly His.

When my mentors ran out of words and ways to reach through my brick walls they handed me tapes. I have old videos of Ken Davis, The Gaithers, Joyce Meyer, and a bunch of Kay Arthur. They reached me when no one else could.

When my son’s school chose to play a Gloria Gaither video at graduation, I figured it was a sign or something. A nod from God that says “I see you. Remember when?” Those crocodile tears that fell that night were not tears of shame, but of gratitude for all he’s done in my life.

Ephesians tells me that I am the Beloved of God. In love: I am blessed, chosen, adopted, redeemed, forgiven and an heir with Christ.

Salvation isn’t just fire insurance.

Jesus didn’t die just to keep me out of hell.

He rose again that I too might live abundantly.

One of my all time favorite Gaither songs says “He that sat upon the throne said behold, I make all things new. ”

Yes He does.

And if it isn’t new, He isn’t finished yet.

God is showing off again.

May 18, 2012May 18, 2012 DeanaLeave a comment

I promised myself I wouldn’t cry when my son graduated last night. And I didn’t. Then the commencement speech started. So much for promises. For the first time in 23 years, the administrator of the school gave the commencement speech. I’m sure the speech had points worth remembering. I’m glad we recorded it because I only remember one part. Halfway through his speech the administrator made direct eye contact with me when he said, “Beloved Daughter of the Living King, Live like you are forgiven.” – yep, that turned me into a waterfall of big old alligator tears.