Tag: God

Called by the Gospel and Encouraged by God.

DeanaLeave a comment

Most of you have read my previous blog “These Are the Days of Neurosis” and I just wanted to share the coolest thing with you. Well, it’s cool to me anyway.

Several people I know have been sharing this new year about fear and questioning, about encouragement and whatnot. A lot of us have been inventorying 2008, the blessings, the failures, the mistakes, all of it. And several have shared about a knowing need to return to the basics of faith. The simple things really that give us our foundation for encouragement and strength. Daily prayer time, memorizing scripture and whatever else. Not just just one or two people mind you – but like a dozen of people I know have shared this with me over the past week.

I’m excited really to know that I am not the only one who is easily distracted, who tires of projects before they are completed, who steps out and tries something new and meets fear first and answered prayer second. A friend of mine talked about fearless courage as her goal for this year and I thought that was cool – I’m not there – but I’m trying.

I finished the forms that freaked me out and will be mailing them today. In my morning prayers and devotional time I looked for passages on being called and being encouraged, and I found this.

God’s promises are true for all of us – for me and for you. Look at his promises in
2 Thessalonians 2:13-17

We are:

* loved “But we ought always to thank God for you, brothers, loved by the Lord,

* Chosen – because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth.
* Called – “He called you to this through our gospel, that you might share in the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.

In knowing that. Knowing that we are loved, chosen and called, how can we not stand firm in what we’ve been taught.

* Encouraged and strengthened – So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

In another blog, I read and was reminded that God’s mercies renew each morning, and not just on New Years Day.

It’s a new morning, fear said it’s prayers and is encouraged. You and I get to stand firm and hold on. God will take care of the rest. He is our encouragement, he is our strength.

To Him be the Glory.

I Love How God Works

DeanaLeave a comment

Ladies

I need to tell you something cool. I got bored a few days ago – okay, maybe bored isnt’ the right word – I needed some vegetation time that looked product so I ran to the internet searching for blogs. In looking through various blogs and finding new ones to read, I found a blog for Living Proof Live (Beth Moore and her daughters – see LMP on my side bar) The day I found it was the day she was asking people to commit to memorizing two scripture verses a month for 2009. I had no idea she was blogging and I chuckled at God because I already knew he wanted me back on that train this year. I’m guessing He just wanted to make sure I really knew that? He already knew I was going to facilitate one of her studies again this year – so why not go the extra mile and put into practice what I tell people, hunh? I’d kinda dropped that habit in 2008. Got busy and all. No excuse believe me. Anyway – I’m back on track.

Our pastor has changed his benediction for 2009 to Ephesians 3:16-19 and wanted us to memorize that. So my first few verses for January are chosen and I signed my little name in the comment box along with my verse. I broke it into three because it is kinda long for me.

But here is where God gets either too scary for me, or too funny, I’m not sure which.

I had prepared and chosen a Sunday School class for women at my church beginning in October. It’s a Bible Study by Kathy Trocolli (Seven Celebrations for the Soul – made for Life Today) and I just knew it was “the one.” Don’t know if you’ve been there or not – but it was a knowing, okay? Things got crazy in the fall and I had to postpone it to January. I had no idea why I couldn’t teach it when I wanted, but I just couldn’t.

Me being well, me – full of my own plans and ideas, I had really planned on doing my own introduction to it, not Kathy’s and just jumping right into the heart of the Seven Celebrations when something told me today, to not do that. Don’t ask.

So I revamped my plans, I layed down my nice lesson plan and watched the introduction, and lo – which verse do you think she pulled out for her intro? Pastor’s new benediction and my memory verse for January.

EPHESIANS 3:17-19.

17 “…so that Christ may dwell in your hearts – through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasph how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

I’m showing the introduction – written by Kathy – I’m not adding or taking away a single thing. God is God, He knows what He is doing and I am but his servant. And thankfully He knows that I am but dust.

If you cannot join us on Sunday Mornings, than go to the above link and buy your own copy – and start 2009 Celebrating God and Living Life Abundantly

Your dusty friend,
Deana

Surround Yourself With Mentors Girlfriend.

DeanaLeave a comment

If I were to have taken out a personal ad seven years ago, it would have read: 30 something year old Christian Female desperately seeking a mentor, male or female. Must be willing to stay around my whole life, love me for who I am, never correct me, forsaking all others, having time only for me, taking my side in all disputes, and must be willing to let me make you God.

I had mentors when I was younger. Every summer, I would sit with my Grandmother and her friends while they quilted or drank tea. Women used to be surrounded by other women who taught them by example. I’ve lost that. A lot of women my age and younger have lost that. Today’s generation has lost that connection, what with moves and careers. Our families are more and more extended and farther away than we like to admit. In losing that connection, we’ve lost our mentors.

I wanted and needed a mentor but my heart’s requirements were very immature. God in his wonderful wisdom – answered my unwritten want ad – with radio silence. Ever been there?

Eight years ago, my pastor and his wife took a call to St Louis. He had a dream of being a seminary professor and chose to follow it. We all saw it coming, but I was crushed. I’d never belonged to a church before, and they were my first taste and what Christianity at it’s best looks like. Both are brilliant people and both have a heart for leading, shepherding and teaching. There were still strong leaders within our church, who stepped up to teach and lead women while we waited for a pastor. And then they too followed God to other cities.

My tradition does not have an organized women’s ministry department per se’ . They do however have a women’s missionary league called LWML and they became my staying point for quite a few years. LWML as they call it is a wonderful group of ladies with a heart for God and for missions. These ladies work really hard at what they do. They were a safe place for me to spread my wings, and grow. They let me serve and they let me teach for a season. I just did not want to make a career out of it at the time and moved on for now. I’ll come back to it later. LWML is a wonderfulorganization with young children I just could not properly devote the time needed.

We changed churches so that my husband could be on the praise team, and I jumped right in to teach women’s Bible Studies, lead a prayer group, and went to work in a church across town as a receptionist. My confidence in God was growing as I spread my wings and trusted him with the results.

Then, through just a simple fact of life more men and women that I’d come to know and learn from died on me. I unexpectedly buried 14 friends in 18 months. I know it’s not as personal as I make that sound, but it sure felt like it at the time. I suddenly felt very much alone. These were my mentors, men and women I’d relied very heavily on to help me grow in my Christian faith and to help me learn how to live life on life‘s terms rather than my own. I had no idea what I was going to do without them.

What I didn’t realize at the time was how reliant I’d become on all of them to tell me what God really meant and who God really is. I had placed all of them above my relationship with Him. While answering my personal ad for myself, I did try to make mentors out of other people, pastors mostly, but I didn’t trust them like I did this original group and it wasn’t pretty. What with my never ending list of questions, my insecurities and fears of rejection and my inability to be transparent. I honestly went so far as to accidentally set my dress on fire (small fire) to hide the truth. When they proved themselves to be human and let me down by not being God – I didn’t know what to do. When God did place strong Christians in my life, I shook so badly it made them uncomfortable and I literally ran away from one or two people that He gifted me with.

I’d shared with someone a few years back that my husband was thinking about becoming a pastor and that I was terrified at the prospect of being a pastor’s wife. I wasn’t sure I was able to walk that path with him. Her advice to me was to surround myself with mentors. Easier said than done, I replied. My mentors have all moved away or died. How on earth was I going to achieve that? She smiled and gave me some things to ponder.

There are many types of mentors. The side by side mentorship that lasts a lifetime isn’t the only kind. Some mentors are simply seasonal, people God brings into your life for a certain time. I definitely had those. Then she asked me to identify my “shadow” mentors. A shadow mentor is someone I learn from whether I meet them or not. They aren’t friends, but rather people in the faith who teach, speak, or simply live. I can follow their examples, and learn from them as well. I discovered that I have a lot of those. Most are private people within my life that are a silent example of over coming. Joy – the gal who leads our mom’s group Bible Study “Bad Girls of the Bible” is one of them. She has a great gift for teaching and just has an awesome testimony to the power of God. I’ve read all of Liz’s Curtis Higgs books and even though we’ve never met, I count her as a shadow mentor as well.

I’m guessing you have shadow mentors as well and maybe like me, don’t realize it. In looking through my list of books, studies, web pages, conferences, and classes I found I had many mentors. God’s radio silence, was temporary. He filled that cup to overflowing in a way I could not have imagined. He did it, only after I made a fool out of myself with a few people and finally let Him be the side by side for a lifetime mentor that I craved.

Some of these I found in the library, some through other women, and others by being willing to be of service.

I haven’t met most of these people, only a few, and yet they are my mentors. Who are yours?

– I belong to a private board that has many women on it and we learn and share with each other.

– Flylady – I read about a woman in Dear Abby who helped other ADD women get organized. Her mantra at the time was do you live in CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) and at the time it fit me. Having failed at almost every other attempt at organization I’d tried, I decided to give this a go. Once I joined and started doing it, I found out that several of my friends use her system as well.

– Kay Arthur Lisa, my first pastor’s wife, taught precepts. I was so frustrated doing my homework that I whipped my Bible against the wall and busted the binding. I stuck it out, and Lisa took us to a conference where we got to meet Kay. I was so terrified that all I could do was shake and I couldn’t speak – that poor woman signed my book with Joshua 1:9- “be strong and courageous.” and even though I haven’t met her since, I consider her a shadow mentor. Not only have I studied precepts for years (inspired by my first pastor‘s wife), I get to teach others how today.

– Beth Moore – with Living Proof Live. I “discovered” Beth when our new pastor arrived and his wife (another Lisa) led one of her classes. I’ve never met Beth and yet I’ve been blessed enough to facilitate several of her Bible studies and see her speak with LPM. I also keep her CD’s in my car to listen to while I drive.

– Alicia Britt Chole – has mentoring moments on her web page and I’ve facilitated her bible study, Choices, at my church. Never met her, but God uses her in ways she doesn’t always see.

– Women of Faith – need I say anything about them? I took women to that for several years. They also did a mentoring series for a year that I took advantage of. They mentor long distance through transparency, sharing, and writing. Wonderful organization.

– Extraordinary Women Conference – again it’s a great conference, loaded with wisdom and grace.

– Chonda Pierce – This was God’s deal. I signed up for her newsletter at a WOF concert and wound up leading the Tulsa Turbo Hostesses when she came to town. Not only did I fall on my face my first try at that, I literally ran away from her. Her best friend Ali gave me a second chance. This time the concert sold out, and I didn’t run away. I still get to help her with concerts and I consider it an honor.

– Thelma Wells – mentors with intent on the You Go Girl Network and I get to be a part of that simply because I was willing to volunteer at a local conference that she spoke at and she kindly shared a part of herself with me.

– Speak Up with Confidence – I am an intentional student, and not rostered speaker with them. SpeakUP is loaded with mentors and life coaches. This is part personal growth, part career growth for me. Excellent teachers here.

– Ken Davis has a Professional Communicators Summit as well as Dynamic Communicator’s Workshops every year. – I’ve yet to be able to go and this is my year to do it.Because I do speak and do teach – this is a must attend on my wish list. I’ve never met him in persona, I have however, learned from his books, and dvds and I hope to keep learning from him. – This, like Speak Up, is a career choice mentoring deal for me. You may have other organizations that you learn from. Look for them and go to them.

That’s just a handful of people and opportunities out there. There are authors like CS Lewis, Phillip Yancey, Max Lucado, Billy Graham, not to mention books written by missionaries or evangelists or even by your own pastors. There’s just too many to name here.

I’m still in touch with my original mentors. They play a huge part in who I am today. God used them in a mighty fashion to plant seeds. He took those seeds – and many of us – and while it seems we are scattered across the nation – we are all connected in Spirit.

I begin 2009 with gratitude to all of my mentors: seasonal, intentional, and shadow. May God bless and keep you this year and always.

Philippians’ 1:3-11

Thanksgiving and Prayer
I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Mary Did You Know?

Deana4 Comments


Our Christmas sermon was on a song written by Mark Lowry and Buddy Greene called “Mary did you know?” Mark apparently wrote it as a poem for his church one Christmas and Buddy put it to music several years later. It’s one of Pastor’s favorite songs.

Pastor pondered the questions in that song and asked a few more taking his references from Luke 1:26-37

The Birth of Jesus Foretold

In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[c] the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.”
“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.” Then the angel left her.

Two things jumped out for pastor and he wanted to relay them to us. Did Mary really know what it meant to be “highly favored?” and did she really believe that “Nothing is impossible with God?”

When we think of what it means to be “Highly Favored” we think of wealth, health and prosperity, don’t we. Do we think of her reality though? Pastor pointed out some things I’d never thought of.

1. She was a young child herself suddenly with child – and not her fiance’s how would she explain that?
2. Her fiance was planning to quietly divorce her.
3. The leaders of her church and community had authority to stone her to death if they chose.
4. An angel took care of Joseph – this much we know.
5. She traveled for days to Bethlehem and gave birth in a stable
6. They had to flee for their lives soon after

There’s also the rest – she watched her son die. And other things.

Highly favored – at least for Mary doesn’t sound good when compared to our own limited perceptions. She was favored – she gave birth to the Messiah – to Christ. She was overshadowed by the Holy Spirit and conceived the Christ Child. With Favor came great responsibility. And yet nothing is impossible with God. She did learn that. But favor does not mean cushie life. Does it?

I thought that was an interesting message for Christmas. I had someone make that statement about me once – calling me “favored of God.” – I’m not so sure I like that now.

I have some new readers – so let me explain that a little bit. I don’t typically make it a habit to talk about myself as much as I have been lately. God is doing a work that I do not know how to explain fully. Part of my personal testimony includes being born in a home for unwed mothers, growing up in all kinds of disfunction and such, being kicked out of church as a child because of my parent’s divorce, being raised by my mom who made less than 10K a year, and other things.

Knowing that I get to facilitate Bible studies now? Blows my mind. Seriously. It surprizes others too who knew me when. (Trust me) I am the woman who busted the binding on my Bible during my very first Precepts (Kay Arthur) class taught by my pastor’s wife 13 years ago and here I am – certified to teach it if I want, facilitating Beth Moore Studies as well as others, teaching Sunday School for women, and serving as a missionary in my own denomination (Ablaze).

I’m not doing any of those things because I’m so great and so smart – trust me. I am a scardy cat coward who cannot believe God actually wants to use me most days. I used to do them to seek his favor – but I’ve learned that Christ already did that for me. I do those things today, out of obediance to God. This path I’m on? Was not my choosing at first.

I’m learning to follow his voice even when it doesn’t make sense. I take the classes today that he tells me to. God has had a lot to teach me in the last few years. Including what I will and will not do as a teacher. (see older posts on Matthew 23).
I’ve argued with him a lot. I know what His word says about teachers, and leaders and it scares me. That’s a lot of responsiblity – I don’t want to let him down. And true to form when I tell him that – I’m reminded that “nothing is impossible with God” and that HE won’t let me down.

So for 2008 – it’s a year of getting over myself yet again – and focusing on him.

I don’t have the right – to write this blog – to teach – to lead – to speak – I am a fellow traveler who gets to share and journey with others.

What a kick that is.

God worked miracles in my life this year as far as courage goes. I took some huge risks following God. Major steps of courage. I chaired a community egg hunt at our mission start – which was a total flop by the way, I planned for 750 and 2,000 showed up, over ran us and beat eachother up over candy filled eggs. I turbo hosted a comedy concert for Chonda Pierce with several other helpers and it sold out. I’ve hostessed some other Christian events as a runner and met some speakers I get to learn from now. I went to a Speak Up class in Mich taught by Carol Kent (by myself mind you with no security blanket come with me friends.), I joined a comedy association and actually speak with some of the comics so that I can learn, I went for and got my Precept teachers certification. I reached out to people in the faith who are farther along than I am and asked them questions – I asked for and found mentors, I’ve gathered materials, I’ve laid myself down as a student whenever possible.

Why am I sharing these things with you? Because 15 years ago I shook in church. 15 years ago, I couldn’t put two words together in front of a crowd. A lot has changed in 15 years.

God and I have come a long way from the days where I was more interested in cloning myself into those I admired, rather than being me. The old me wound up setting my dress on fire as a result. You’d think I would have learned from that, but.. it took a few more years and a few big failures, before that message really sunk in. I don’t want to be the next Kay Arthur or Ken Davis, Beth Moore, or Chonda Pierce nor do I even want to be my with me mentors like Lisa Lessing, Joy Moss, Zeal Beal and Velma Campbell – real life women who have been kind enough to teach me and share with me along the way and be my friend – I just want to learn from them. All of them.

I went three years without a teacher – or mentor of any kind. God brought me to himself, loved on me, and revealed to me his word. I was stripped of all would be idols and learned to desire him alone. Then and only then did he bring new people into my life.

I’ve been writing about some of them because these are the people I get to learn from right now. – with intention and with blessing and with humilty and thankfulness.

I want to honor God with my life like they do theirs, what ever that means. I want to be open to His call on my life – and not my limited vision as I have in the past.

I haven’t taken the time to fast and pray yet for the new year, but I will. I have no clue where he wants me – or what he wants me to do – except the next right thing directly in front of me. Somehow, I know that he will get me where he wants me to be.

I am the Lord’s servant. May it be with me, as he says.

Blessings to you my friends, both old and new. And thank you for walking this path with me. May the Lord our God bless and keep you this new year.

Stop Setting Yourself on fire already…That’s my job

DeanaLeave a comment

“Holy Fire, Burn away
My desire For anything
that is not of you and is of me.
I want more of you and less of me. Empty me..” – Zion’s Fire

Whether or not I realized it, I was in a fire – not of my own making, but of Gods. Why? He needed to make room. My temple was cluttered with too many voices, and too many things.

Matthew 21: 12-17

Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. “It is written,” he said to them, ” ‘My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it a ‘den of robbers.'”

The blind and the lame came to him at the temple, and he healed them. But when the chief priests and the teachers of the law saw the wonderful things he did and the children shouting in the temple area, “Hosanna to the Son of David,” they were indignant.

“Do you hear what these children are saying?” they asked him.
“Yes,” replied Jesus, “have you never read, ” ‘From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise’?”

And he left them and went out of the city to Bethany, where he spent the night.

—————————————————-

So how does a dirty cup, a triumphal entry and a cleared out temple tie into Matthew 23? Easy – I can talk the talk but stumble the walk. In missing the most important part, (John 3:16) I spend my time making up for lost time and hoping you don’t notice. And if you do notice, I might just set myself on fire.

Early on in my Christian walk, I wanted to fit in. More realistically, I wanted to morph into the walls and be invisible. I copied everything I saw until I looked on the outside how I really wanted to look on the inside. Right down to the shoes. If they wore it, I wore it, if they joined it, so did I. I’m not sure what I was hoping really, osmosis through copy write violations perhaps. False shame and false guilt turned me into the proverbial foot washer, hoping somehow my actions would make me as clean on the outside and everyone else seemed on the inside. I walked the “Jesus died for you, and I’m sneaking in on a borrowed halo” theology line. I talk a good line – but I don’t live it. Not when I spend my life looking grace in the face and working behind the scenes as if to say it’s not enough, twisting the fruit of repentance into groveling and penance.

I tend to set myself on fire just prove I fit in. Case in point:

I was attending a local women’s league event and at break went outside, and around the building to smoke – and hide. I had just lit my cigarette (with three other hiders like myself by the trash bin) when out walks a local pastor.

He wasn’t just any pastor – but the pastor who is over a church that we are considering joining. I wanted him to like me. I needed him to like me, because I wanted to join his church. Our pastor had taken a call out of state and we (my husband and I) were church shopping. I had (in my humble opinion) believed I’d tricked the first pastor in allowing me to stay and I needed to hone up on my costume changes to keep that going. I’m wrong on that assessment – but that’s another story.

Without thinking, I shove the pack of cigarettes in my pocket, and stick the lit one behind my back. That’s the funny thing about idols, they can breed fear, shame and dishonesty. In an instant , I communicated fear, dishonesty and distrust. The smoke billowing up over the top of my head comminicated the fact that my dress was about to catch fire. I can laugh about that today. But not then.

Lighting myself on fire, is not a new thing. It would take Christ to make an old thing like that, new. I needed a different kind of fire if he was going to have his way with me.

There is hope.

God also promises to replace those self inflicted fires with a new one -2 Timothy 1:6
“For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands.”

Once he got me to stop setting myself on fire, and set me on fire for him through the Holy Spirt, we still had work to do.

Taking Time with Jesus

DeanaLeave a comment

Taking Time with Jesus

Isaiah 43:1-4 (The message)

When You’re Between a Rock and a Hard Place
But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.


Oh that that were true God. I want to believe it, but people say I don’t. Do I?

“Sometimes I need to take time just to be with Jesus – to find out who and whose I am again.” Kathy Trocolli.

I believe that statement heart and soul – I also believe that if I don’t take the time, he will make the time. Can I hear an amen?

There is nothing like, burying most of your friends, losing a school, having health issues, teaching Bible Study, and leading prayer teams only to go home, wrap yourself up in a blanket on your back porch and stare at nothing for hours on end, believing that God and whole world hates you, – to get to your attention. He had my attention, trust me. The problem was, so did the enemy, and it was his voice I heard the most.

If you were to ask people their impression of me during that time period – they would have told you I preached a good sermon, taught a good class, but I didn’t know the gospel. That used to frustrate me to no end. How could someone think I didn’t know the gospel, just look at all of the things I get to do for God. Of course I know the Gospel. How could they even think that? Uhm… the fact that I shook like a leaf in the presence of Christians might have been a clue. Or the fact that when sharing my victories I was really sharing my fears. The “I cannot’s” of my testimony. Are you sure I’m called? Look at this mess. Really? Hmmmhmm. I wasn’t communicating victory, I was communicating defeat. And fear.

And so the cup breaks, and the real work begins.

Part of my personal testimony includes bits and pieces of loss, abandonment, and fear. when I was eight years old, I found out that I was originally given up for adoption and taken back by my grandparents as an infant. I’d been snooping in my mother’s room after school and found my original birth certificate and adoption papers. She was furious.

My father’s name was no where to be found. And neither was my father, as he had walked out on us when I was four. Even though the papers went on to show that he did legally adopt me, and I was given his name he still left. My mom tried her best to convince me that those choices were the best she could make when she had me and had no reflection on her current feelings or those of my birthfather. I had value and I had worth, and that our present circumstances (she was now raising me) should speak for themselves. At eight years old however, I reasoned that if she gave me up once, she’d do it again. And being adopted meant nothing if followed by being abandoned.

Much like Mary, I took those things and pondered them in my heart for most of my life. Imagine becoming a Christian, being adopted, being given a new name, and believing in your heart that it’s only temporary.
No wonder I shook.

Can you imagine being a Christian, gratefully receiving the triumphal entry of Christ into your life and yet believing it temporary? If not, you are blessed. If so, there is hope.

Zechariah 9:9
9 Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion!
Shout, Daughter of Jerusalem!
See, your king [b] comes to you,
righteous and having salvation,
gentle and riding on a donkey,
on a colt, the foal of a donkey.

Those words are repeated in Mathew 21
4This took place to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet:
5″Say to the Daughter of Zion,
‘See, your king comes to you,
gentle and riding on a donkey,
on a colt, the foal of a donkey.’


– with the Triumphant return of Christ to Jerusalem.

Those are also words sung during Handel’s Messiah – something I participated in on a pretty regular basis. Shaking the whole time. “Arise oh Daughter of Zion!”

How is it, I can know those words? Sing them even, and yet not believe them. It’s true. My head was full of grace, but my heart was full of fear.

And yet, I knew God’s word. God’s word said “Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you.”

My temple, had thieves. No sooner than seeds were planted, the enemy would steal them.

It shouldn’t surprise any of us that the first thing Christ did in Matthew after his triumphal entry into Jerusalem was to clean out the temple.

The first thing to go false shame. And it would take a spiritual fire to burn that one out. But first, I had to learn how to stop setting myself on fire.

cont…

My Cup Ranneth Over

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I remember being a little girl in the playground. The normal taunts would be passed around, and sure enough someone (usually me) would shout back, “Yeah, well I’m rubber and you’re glue. What you say bounces of me and sticks to you.”

Brilliant rebuttal. Unless you are sitting in church, instead of a play ground. And you are now in your 30’s instead of ten.

I thought I had a word for somebody once, but I was wrong. It turns out I can be one of those people sitting in the pews, listening to the sermon, taking notes and thinking to myself, “Wow I really wish so and so was here to hear that! That really applies to them.” Funny how those sermons always seem to apply to someone else, but never me.

I was working at an office at the time and received a phone call after a staff meeting. Someone had left their coffee cup warmer on and could I please go turn it off. Feeling rather bothered by what I viewed as a silly request, I turned off his cup warmer and left his office, leaving behind a full cup of coffee. I knew if I left it there over the weekend the coffee would get all moldy, and frankly I didn’t care. This would be the day that God chose to speak to my heart. “Empty and wash the cup Deana.”

I was really not in a generous and giving mood that day, nor was I in the mood to do such a humble act of kindness for somebody. But I listened to the voice. Once I emptied the cup, I noticed that while the outside was pretty clean, the inside was stained black with coffee stains. Matthew 23:25 came to mind – “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. “

Okay, well it didn’t exactly come to me like that, it was more of a “isn’t there a verse somewhere in the Bible about dirty cups? I think it’s Matthew.” and I had to go look it up.

This would be when brilliant, rubber hearted, me, thought I had a word for someone else. I mean, it was much too harsh to apply to me, right? Thankfully, I left that word unspoken. I cleaned the cup and put it back in it’s place.

I later shared my experience with one of my girlfriends. Joy has a gift for telling the truth. She also has the spiritual gift of prophesy and I was excited that God had actually given me a word and I wanted to know what to do with it. She listened to me and asked me what I thought God was trying to teach me with that. I went into my “them” rant and she very gently stated that when God uses an object lesson in her life, the message is usually about her and I might want to view it from that perspective. Truth telling friends can really rain on a parade, you know what I mean?

My life was, at that particular season, about to fall apart, but I didn’t know that yet. At that time, I was cloud nine head over heals in love with God, believing the Gospel for everyone around me, and hoping to keep the hidden things hidden. My hidden things were ugly. My hidden things had deep stains on my spirit. My hidden things kept me a prisoner to the fear of being found out.

The reality of those hidden things spoke to me more frequently than God and told me I could “go this far, but no farther, remember what you are.” Listening to the enemy is never a good thing, but I was so accustomed to his voice, I didn’t realize who was speaking. Listening to the enemy, I polished my outer cup while filling the inside with everything I could to hide the stains.

Hungry for a fresh word from God, I would sit and study, teach and learn and wonder why he seemed so silent. He had words for everyone else it seemed, but not me. That didn’t stop me from singing, or from taking everything I could from the bible and memorizing it to hold onto. My brain was filling up to over flowing, but my heart was breaking. I would go and sing, and literally shake when in the presence of Christians I feared.

Failing to fully grasp that simple message that God so loved the world (insert ME) he sent his only begotten son, brought on one of the worst seasons of idolatry, heartbreak, and brokenness I have ever experienced. My own cup, was running over and time was running out. Hidden things get moldy when ignored. If God couldn’t find a way to connect my heart and my head soon, my cup was going to break. And break it, he did.

To be continued.

My Tower, His Power and Strength

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When was the last time you ran to Christ? Was this morning in prayer? Last night? Last week? Last year? When was the last time you felt his strength, love, or peace? Is the Name of the Lord Your strong tower?

There was a time, when I felt so lost and so alone, that I would run the mile and half from my house to my church and climb to the top of the slide tower at night. Breathless I would sit and be still in the only thing that gave me peace. The presence of God.

The parking lot was dark and the church was locked. I wanted God and this was as close as I knew how to come at the time. From my retreat tower I could see both my church and my pastor’s house. They lived in the parsonage next door back then. I always stayed in the tower and never knocked on either door.

If people knew what I was doing on those lonely and scary nights, they never let on. Which is a good thing I think. Because back then, if people had known exactly how scared and how out-of-place I truly felt, I don’t know how I would have reacted. I might have been too embarrassed to come back.

My first year in church as an adult was a year of uncertainty, hidden-ness and change. I was afraid of people, afraid of my self, and mostly afraid of God. I still thought God could only be found in the concrete and stone structure sitting at the end of that parking lot. I certainly didn’t feel him anywhere else and on days where I longed to be near him, I literally ran to him – or to at least the place I felt him last, my church.

It all sounds kind of silly now – running to a playground slide tower in the dark of night hoping to find God. But is it really? The Spirit knows what the mind cannot comprehend. Out of absolute broken need, I was led to a physical tower, nurtured and comforted there by God, until I learned what Scripture says in Proverbs 18:10. “The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.”

Honestly, I didn’t know that passages then. I only knew that I was weary and heavy of heart. I needed safety, I needed rest. So, I came, I ran, I drew as near as I possibly could under the cover of darkness. Out of breath, hurting, and needing more than I even knew, I sought Him with everything I had and I didn’t realize the symbolism behind my actions. Somewhere in the stillness of the night, in my playground tower, his banner of love covered me in all my sadness, fears, insecurities and sins and gave me peace. He became my refuge, my strong tower against the foe. (Psalm 61:3) I ran to Him, and I was safe.

As I’ve grown in Him, I seem to have developed a me do it kind of attitude. Ever been there? I’ll take care of it God. Thanks anyway. I wonder what he thinks about that? In some ways today, in all of my knowledge and growth in Christ, I think I’ve forgotten how to be that young desperate women, hungry for God – literally running to HIM, to his tower, for strength and safety. I can’t help but wonder if he doesn’t miss her like I do. I no longer live a mile from my church, and besides the swing set with the tower is long gone. But that doesn’t mean I can’t run to him. He isn’t in the brick and mortar – or in the wind and waves of life. He is in you and in me through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. We need only to call out his name – and know that we are safe.

Father God – Thank you for that young women, lost confused, and alone – who desperately sought you out in the only tower she knew to find. Thank you Lord for meeting me there. Forgive me for those times I’ve traded that tower for ones of my own making, and forget to run to you when darkness falls. Your name is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe. You are my strength and my refuge – and you Lord know my name. Amen.

Written by Deana O’Hara, 2008 For Redemption’s Heart.

I did not send them

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Jeremiah 29:11-12

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

The spiritual gift of prophesy is a sticky wicket to me. I’ve had people tell me at various times in my life that they “have a word” for me. Some ask if they can share it, others… well they just share away. This used to confuse me, until I learned to put things on a shelf and pray about them.

I have a very interesting gal in my life. She’s very pentecostal/charismatic. She prays loudly and uses a lot of words. Some people love to pray with her because she says great things, is “encourgaing” and “makes it feel like God Himself is present.”
I want to like her. But I’m not sure I do. I get my feelings hurt around her a lot, and I’m not sure why. I do know, that when I pray with her I feel hurt by her audacity. The most recent prayer that comes to mind, “Dear Lord please return love to this marriage.” – referring to my husband and I.

I found myself wondering, who told her love had left? And then I started questioning, “had it left and I just didn’t see it?” All I know is I don’t want to pray with her anymore.

I have another friend from Assembly of God and man can she pray too. When she and I pray together, she hears my heart. When I pray with her, I don’t get my feelings hurt and I don’t feel intimidated or overshadowed, rather I feel connected in Spirit with both her and God.

Something is different.

I took my concerns back to God and asked him why I felt the way I did. I wanted to know if maybe it was jealousy. I mean she adores my husband and says wonderful things when she prays over him.
That’s when he showed me another part of Jeremiah 29, this time verses 8 and 9.


“This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: “Do not let your prophets and fortune-tellers who are with you in the land of Babylon trick you. Do not listen to their dreams, because they are telling you lies in my name. I have not sent them,” says the Lord.”
I love it when God answers my prayers and concerns like that. I can call a lie a lie when I see it, and I don’t have to receive every word that comes at me as if it comes from God, because it doesn’t always. And when it does, He’ll tell me that too.

Confident Beauty

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I haven’t been blogging here lately. It’s not that I haven’t been writing because I have. I’ve just been spending most of my writing time, somewhere else.

In promising myself, and Mamma T, to not be a parrot, I find myself blogging more about my feelings and thoughts and opinions these days. That’s not a bad thing really. It’s still awkard and strained for me. My thoughts and feelings in black and white trail off at times and my blogs seem like incomplete paragraphs and ideas. I am my own worst critic when it comes to that.

I just found out today that a friend of mine is no longer blogging. Sad really. I loved her blogs. She wasn’t super frequent in her writing, but when she wrote it was poetic. She always quoted these really cool authors, some I’d heard of like CS Lewis and other that I’d yet to discover. I feel especially bad in that her last blog was dated Feb 28 and well, I just read it today. Have I really been that far out of the loop? Apparently so. I’m going to miss that heart. I wonder what new things she plans on tackling. I bet they’ll be great.

As for me… my pole dancing blog on myspace (I’m against it btw) was an interesting hit of sorts. Over 50 readers in one day.

Our mission starts were on the news last night. I’m not thrilled with the angle they took, or the fact that my hair was a friz ball (I knew I should have curled it.). They opened with Jonathan talking about “And we wonder how a God who is loving and just could allow something like this to happen to us.” That quote was a good half way through his sermon on grief. Good heavens, that wasn’t what we were wondering at all.

The news made good in the end though – we were there to worship God no matter what, because after all stuff is just stuff.

Why do we worship God, even when bad things happen? Joyce Myers puts it well, “A confident woman knows that she is loved. She does not fear being unloved, because she knows first and foremost that God loves her unconditionally. To be whole and complete, we need to know that we are loved. Receiving the free gift of God’s unconditional love is the beginning of our healing, and the foundation for our new life in Christ.”

Being secure..
Our team – Ablaze Live, brought our trailer of gear to Lord of Life on Sunday, we set up, and we worshipped with them. Why?

Hebrews 12

Jesus, Founder and Perfecter of Our
Faith
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and(A) sin which clings so closely, and(B)
let us run(C) with endurance the race that is(D) set before us, 2looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,(E) who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising(F) the shame, and(G)
is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Added – 4/15 – Never did answer why… we worshipped together in unity as one team rather than two, because we are secure in God’s love for us. We look to Jesus as the author and protector of our faith and we found a way to lay down all that weighed us down (sorrow over the loss of stuff, competition between churches, hurt feelings over district approving and funding one over the other and whatnot) and we put our focus where is belonged. On God.