I saw this yesterday on my cycling group page and fell in love with this.
I am totally putting this one on my bathroom mirror!
I’ve heard it said many times that performing artists are basically needy and insecure. I’d laugh, but it’s kinda true at least for me. I’m an approval junkie for sure. I also want to be fit and healthy again. I get really frustrated at times by how long that is taking me. I’m not rolling with set backs as well I used to either. My husband is a great encourager in that regard. He keeps me from giving up, which is a good thing.
My husband, son and I tried to go cycling last night. I’ll admit I really didn’t want to. I’d been to the doctors in the morning to talk about my neuropathy in my left leg and was feeling a bit overwhelmed at the possible causes, cures et al. I don’t yet know the full extent of what is going on with my leg and part of me is afraid to ride. I’ll see a specialist in the next week or so and have and EMG performed to test the nerve functions in my left ankle and foot. Hopefully that will provide some answers. I don’t have diabetes, we know that, and I’ve learned that peripheral neuropathy can also a sign of hypothyroidism and blood work will be coming up after the EMG. To add to the fun mix the middle finger on my left hand is now spontaneously twitching. I could very well simply have a pinched nerve in my back. I’ll know more in a couple of weeks, no point obsessing at this time. Not that logic like that stops me, you know?
I can ride, doc said so. I just shouldn’t ride alone, which I’m not. I always feel better after I ride. I just need to do it more often.
I ran out of excuses last night and recognized that look that communicates he’s run out of patience and conceded to ride with him. If I’m going to make him drink green smoothies and try vegan dishes, I darn well better hit the trails.
We finally get to the trail head only to discover our bikes were trying to copulate. His pedal was somehow stuck on my water bottle holder and nothing we did could untangle them and we had to go home and find a screw driver in order to separate the bikes. Amused is not the word I would choose to describe our mutual state of mind when we got home.
We’ll be getting a bike rack for the back of the pick up this week.
All that’s wrong really is I’m afraid. Old fears have no place in my world today. They still show up and it’s my job to silence them.
I’ve genuinely overweight for the first time in my life. This has been an eye opening experience, let me tell you. The assumptions, and prejudices that come with that are astounding. On one hand I enjoy not being hit on anymore and I do enjoy being taken more seriously on an intellectual level (both are bonuses to me) on other hand I don’t enjoy the whole stigma that comes with it. Not to mention the impact it’s had on my own self esteem or my health. My looks used to be very important to me. Not that I was ever vain or shallow, I just worked hard to look my best. I’ve really had to reassess how I see myself. I didn’t get this way because I gave up, truth is I landed here through fad dieting, bulimia, and probably menopause. I can change most of that.
I’ll write more about that later. suffice to say, deep down there is this little girl who is afraid of failing yet again. She does like to show up once in a while and I’m not going to let her win. I will beat her, after all, no one knows her like I do. And that is a good thing.
After 18 months of lamenting how I only know male cyclists, one of them being my gynecologist, (I could write a thousand jokes about that here, but I won’t. At least not today.) I finally found a group of women cyclists to ride with in Tulsa. The Tulsa Tough Diva’s is a brand new organization. While I’ll be in Nashville this year and unable to participate in the Saint Francis Tulsa Tough three day event, I did join up as a Diva for the training rides and for the fellowship. Well that and the really cool uniforms. And not to be a hack, I won’t wear a uniform for a team I don’t actually ride with, so….
I go on my first group ride with them in the morning.
Yeah for me! and for women cycling in Tulsa.
2. Plungers leave hickeys
3. They also stick really well.
I’m a married woman covered in hickeys with a plunger stuck to my left hip. I am not long for this world.
I am a huge Ken Davis fan. If you read my blog, you know that. I feel like I owe him a lot and I tend to gush when I talk about his impact on my life over the past 20 years.
Depression does horrible things to people. I have friends who can’t bring themselves to eat when they are depressed. HA! Not to be flip, but I don’t have that problem. When I went through my depression from 2004-2008 I went from 154 lbs to 207 lbs in just a few years. Instead of needing to lose 20 pounds, I now need to lose 60. Not fun. I’ve spent the last four years gaining and losing the same 20 pounds. To add insult to injury I have friends and family who thought taking bad photos of me would convict me to change. Nope, just made me camera-shy.
When I met Ken in 2009, he talked about how he was planning to ride in a triathlon of sorts. The dude is in his 60’s. I was 43 and in no condition to even think of doing such a thing. The photos never bothered me. Sitting in a room listening to a man old enough to be my father talk about a life change, got to me. I started following his blog. He placed second for his age group in said triathlon. He’s not depressed any more. His spiritual life is changing. His personal life is improving.
Now he has my attention.
I had an unexpected hysterectomy in 2010 and my doctor told me I HAVE to lose weight. I listened. I pursued multiple forms of diet and exercise and learned my ankle does not tolerate a lot of things. My bulimia became active again and I had to deal with that monster one more time. (Walking in victory today) I learned that walking, running, Zumba, Step Aerobics are all out as my ankle cannot handle the strain. I can however ride a bike and so I purchased my first real bike last October. I even lost 20 pounds (again) if you’ll recall. Then I got busy and gained it all back.
I got my first copy of Fully Alive in June and devoured it in three days. No lie. Loved the book. I even took the DVD to my Mom’s and we laughed ourselves stupid for an hour. Then something humbling happened. My husband started reading the book and asking me questions about passages. “So what do you think of thus and such? I like his point, don’t you?”
I must have missed that passage.
“Oh well how about…..”
“Did you read the book or did you skim it?”
I read it.
My goal was to read the book. I read the book. I never allowed it to digest. I Deana, am a passive participant in literary pursuits. Nothing traversed past my brain. Sure I highlighted great tweetable quotes, but you know what – reading without gaining the nourishment intended and much needed and then regurgitating it all back to you guys makes me a literary bulimic.
My husband went out and purchased a new bike himself. He is at the “I own a grown up bike and it isn’t a Huffy” honeymoon phase. He wants me to ride with him. I like that. I also want to really read Fully Alive, not from a passive stand point, but as an active participant. I want to digest the chapters and get the words from my brain and into my heart. Once I do that, I plan to walk it out with my husband and with you guys.
Do you want to join me?
Fully Alive uncovers forgotten signs of life in a culture seemingly filled with the opposite. Through action steps that led to his physical, mental, social, and spiritual health, Ken Davis recounts his journey back to the land of the living and the signs of life he found along the way.
The anchoring focus is based on the apostle Paul’s quest for life, when he said, “I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection.” A power greater than death is available for what we face today? Who doesn’t want a piece of that?
Filled with narrative stories, humor, and practical help, this book is for anyone who wants to live fully and wonders just what that might look like in daily life.
Many people are lurching in the twilight, hoping to sing once again…living lives of quiet desperation, searching in vain for signs of life.
St. Irenaeus said, “The Glory of God is man fully alive.” For those who have been sidelined in life, for those tempted to give up, this book screams…Live!
In Fully Alive, readers will learn how to:
- Discover the adventure hiding in the middle of the mundane.
- Exchange the pain of unmet expectations for the joy of living with expectancy.
- Get unstuck and take the first step that will lead to a new body, mind and spirit.
- Kick guilt to the curb and experience real freedom.
- Drive a stake into the heart of your everyday fears and live again.
- Tap into a power that will protect you whether you’re crawling through the valley or standing on the mountain top
You were made for more. It’s time to reignite your desire and live Fully Alive! Go here http://fullyalivebook.com/ for more information.
Oh yah, no control issues here. Eye rolling is allowed.
I may “waller in defeat” from time to time, as my friend Tonya would say, but I don’t stay there.
Nobody, I don’t care who they are, or how famous and together we might think they are, leads a charmed life.
Everyone has problems.
Everyone has choices.
That’s why I like the Full Circle link so much. Here’s a guy, who hit rock bottom 19 years ago doing a benefit ride for the very place he got sober. I think that’s cool. I think that takes courage.
What does courage look like to you?
- Is it public speaking?
- Saying no when you really need to even if it means disappointing someone?
- Or is it risking feeling selfish and realizing that the greatest gift we can give this world is to be the best us we can be?
One of my favorite devotional pages says :
March 26 in The Little Blue Book ONE DAY at a TIME in AL-ANON:
Why is it so hard to admit we are powerless over alcohol, as the First Step suggests we do? All of us have heard and shared in discussions at Al-Anon meetings as to whether this should be interpreted as “alcohol” or the “alcoholic.” We have no power over either one. No one can control the insidious effect of alcohol or its power to destroy the graces and decencies of life. No one can control the alcoholic’s compulsion to drink. But we do have a power, derived from God, and that is the power to change our own lives. Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation and then deciding what we will do about it.
Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change. If we accept a situation full of misery and uncertainty, it is no one’s fault but our own. We can do something about it!
“Fighting futility is just a waste of energy, Samantha. Either do something or quit fretting.” – Celebra Tueli
While this particular page refers to alcoholism and alcoholics it can be about so much more. It hurts watching people we love destroy their lives. What causes even greater pain is putting our lives on hold while we wait for everyone else to get it together.
It has taken me a long time to really believe that I am powerless over people, places, and things, meaning I cannot control people or make their choices for them. I cannot control how people see me, or whether or not they like me. Nor can I control the weather, or disease/disabilities. Shoot, I struggle with controlling myself, thinking I can control others is pure ego.
All I have is the power to make the best choices for me.
That’s really where courage begins. Finding the power to make the best choices for ourselves regardless of the choices our loved ones make. This includes our spouses, siblings, friends, and dare I say it adult children.
I’m a firm believer that the power to change can only come from believing in a God that’s bigger than me. For some of us, finding that God takes courage.
My wish today for you and for myself is that we stop right where we are at and know beyond knowing that we can make better choices today than the ones we made yesterday — and then go do it.
Maybe for some of us, that choice is simply the acceptance of knowing the we are loved beyond measure no matter what and acting on that belief.
What choices are you making today?
I have given up all hope of convincing people I really am sane.
I have two stories requested the most, Fisher’s Of Men, and this one.
And I wonder why people think I’m neurotic.
I would rather have a root canal than go to the gynecologist:
- I get to keep my clothes on.
- I can watch TV
- The dentist has better drugs.
Not that I don’t like my doctors I do. I just don’t like being there. I am a social bug, yes. A social bug who likes to stay fully dressed. I’d rather host one huge barbecue in my back yard, have them all come over, serve beer and brats and call it good until next year.
I realize I should put on my big girl panties and deal with it, and I would if they let me keep them on, but they don’t. Let’s face it, we will burn our bras in public, let our bra straps show in the summer, even throw our panties on stage at a rock concert, but the minute we undress in the doctor’s office we hide our underwear. Why? Because we want to keep that Victoria a secret, that’s why.
I do not know a living soul who wakes up and says “oh boy I get to go for my Pap Smear (or colonoscopy or mammogram) today. Hurray!” No one in their right mind thinks that. To make matters worse, I am a redhead and I blush when people say hello, add naked to the equation and I look like I fell asleep in a tanning bed. Even if the doctor are brilliant, the office is clean and efficient and the staff is super nice, we’d still rather be elsewhere. This is the one place where wham-bam-thank you ma’am could be deemed acceptable. Unless of course something is wrong and we wish to dialog. Then we want them to listen and take their time.
Some doctors like to converse during exams. It’s their way of gauging our emotional state as well as trying to put us at ease; only it doesn’t work does it? Whilst I am normally fond of warm, intelligent conversation, their conversational style can seriously mess with my dis-associative groove. I’d rather close my eyes and run my to do list through my brain than make eye contact while pretending I can follow our conversation.
And yet, we talk. Or rather they talk. I ramble incessantly about God knows what. My neurosis factor increases exponentially with the realization that well… I am at my gynecologists office. My brain is so deep in denial that when they ask which doctor I am seeing, I can never remember his name.
To call me an introvert would be a kindness.
To be expected to carry on a full conversation with a doctor, complete with eye contact, while sitting naked on a table, holding my gown closed with my hands, needs more Valium than their office is willing to provide. Personally, I am all for sedation gynecology. Knock me out and wake me when it’s over. It’s not like it’s a new thing my dentist offers sedation dentistry, it could happen.
Left without the comfort of clothing, or drugs, I grab the only shield I can reach – my gift of sarcasm.
- You want to screen me for colon cancer? – That’s gonna cost you a roofie.
- When was my last breast exam? Last year. I always fail those even though I cram all year for them.
- Every day I gather up the twins and cram them into a wonder bra.
- Raising teenagers feels like I’m walking a high wire, I need all the support I can get.
- Do you know why they call them wonder bras? Because without it we spend our day wondering where our breasts went.
- I know where mine went, they are hiding in my arm pits, they don’t want to be here either.
They’ve added a new trick to their trade by the way — a two for one deal really, you can now get checked for cervical cancer and colon cancer all in one visit. REALLY? Now I know why my dogs hate going to the vet.
Not only are the new tests rude, some doctors talk more during our exams than our husbands do during sex. Why can’t they all be Woody Allen?
Some days going to the doctor is more than a girl can handle. Granted after dealing with me, I’m pretty sure it’s my doctors who need Valium.
Have a great week everyone and remember you are amazing! Nobody can take that away from you.
This is the last post I have for 2011. I’m on vacation with my family for the rest of the year. Rather than end the year with an inventory like I usually do, I thought I’d share with you the top ten people or things that influenced me this year. Outside of my inner circle of course – those relationships I keep sacred and are not for this blog. You know who you are. (Rena!–love you)
Corporate America taught me to surround myself with people who are where I want to be, whether it’s a year from now, 5 years from now or 10 years from now and learn. I’m relational to the core – with the exception of the first two, I’ve actually met everyone else listed. Again though – they are not my inner circle, but they do have an influence on my life and my choices. These are the feet I sit at from a social network perspective. In no particular order, I offer you the people who influenced me the most in 2011. If you aren’t reading these people, you are missing out on a great adventure.
- The Blog Post that set the tone and had the most influence on my choices for 2011 – Living a Good Story, an Alternative to New Years Resolutions by Donald Miller. Donald made me think about my life. What do I want? Am I willing to overcome conflict to get it? He also wrote the worst woman haters blog piece I’ve ever read in my life, which teaches me that everything has a balance. Nobody is perfect.
- Author and Poet laureate Molly Fisk: I met Molly online via a mutual friend. Molly teaches Poetry Boot camp and Finding your Voice. I spent six of the most amazing weeks learning about voice with nine other women. Molly’s encouragement, kind instruction, and great advice brought the poet in me alive again.
- Gail Hyatt, married to Micheal Hyatt (see below) is a blogger at: Treasure Hunt. Her posts touch my woman’s heart. Gail raised five girls while I raised two boys. Gail isn’t famous nor does she seem to want to be, though I could be wrong. She is a wife, a mother, a daughter, a bible teacher and a friend to others. She is by far and large a better wife than I. I learn a lot from her. Her posts look beneath the surface of human relationships and the heart of family. Gail’s influence on me is one of a calming femininity, trust in life and in God. She is one of my favorite reads.
- Chonda Pierce is probably my favorite woman on the planet. She’s funny, super sweet, and has a heart of gold. I met Chonda in 2003 at Women of Faith and now work/volunteer as one of her National Turbos. It is a pleasure and a joy to help promote her ministry. The video below is a trailer to her video This Ain’t Prettyville. Several of us went to the taping in Nashville a couple of years ago and had the time of our lives. Chonda is near and dear to my heart and has played a huge role in helping me find myself again now that my kids are grown. I got to put my Turbo skills to work again this year when she came to Tulsa. Watching her grow as a person and as an artist has really given me the courage to do the same. — I’m in two (to be released next year) motion pictures because of her encouragement.
- Ken Davis: Best Selling Author. Motivational Speaker. He’s a gifted comedian and a master storyteller. They showed one of his videos called Super Sheep at a woman’s retreat back in 1995. I laughed until I cried and then forgot about him for ten years. — Now, I own his full library. I’ve seen him speak live and I’ve personally invested in several of Mr. Davis’s speaking seminars. They are informative, to the point, a lot of fun, and wildly successful. I got far more than I bargained for when I went to my first conference of his back in 2009. I wanted to learn about speaking and I’ve learned so much more. Not only has Mr Davis’s conferences helped teach me to be a better speaker, through his blog he’s helped me learn how to be a better liver of life. He’s why I decided to ride in the MS 150 in 2012 – the guy is 63 and has ridden in triathlons for heaven’s sake. For those of you who have followed me all these years you know how terrified I was just to be at the seminar back in 2009. Times have changed. He also taught me to live with nothing to prove, nothing hide, and nothing to lose. This year, I’ve learned about living a life of expectancy instead of expectation.
- Michael Hyatt helps people live and lead on purpose. He’s a father, a husband, an in-demand speaker, as well as a published author. He is also the chairman of Nelson Publishing. When I met Mr Hyatt at a speakers conference in Nashville back in 2009, I was so intimidated by his position (and my desire at the time to work for Nelson) that I turned into a walking lobotomy. He gave a presentation on how to get published and writing queries that sell and I was thrilled to be there. Nelson Publishing is the group that puts on Women of Faith. At the time, I wanted to give back what they gave me and be a part of great change in the world. I don’t work for Nelson, may never work for them and that’s okay. Today, I read Mr Hyatt because of posts like this one: The Blessings of Discomfort. and I’m moved beyond myself to a bigger picture. He writes on intentional leadership, speaking, social networking, and life in general.
- Janel Brookshire from Stay in the Saddle: Janel is teaching me how to ride horses. Jo is part of my inner circle, but I am going to write about her just a little bit here. She is a cowgirl through and through. An excellent writer and a great teacher. She and her husband own the Cactus Bars Ranch in Claremore Oklahoma and have a love for life like none other. I was a bit of an emotional mess when I first started taking lessons from Jo last winter. (family issue) Riding made all the difference. Seriously. Can’t tell you why, only that it did. Tuesday mornings are my favorite time of the week. Stay in the Saddle isn’t the name of the program, but rather a result of the philosophies taught there. I feel free when I ride. And because of Jo, I got to ride horseback in the jungles of Belize last Spring and had the time of my life. Today we are learning barrel racing (albeit slowly) and soon I’ll be jumping and roping cattle – maybe, I don’t trust myself with rope, but who knows. Anything is possible.
What a journey y’all. This time seven years ago I was grieving more losses than this heart could imagine. Today, I’ve learned how to trust again, how to love again, how to breathe again, and how to live again. I owe that to the wonderful people who’ve come in my life over the years. Seven years is a complete cycle. I’m not sure how I feel about this cycle ending. But end it must. 2012 begins a new season, new chances, and new adventures.
This year is over. I declare it complete.
Merry Christmas and have a wonderful New Year.
LIVE – Love/Laughter, Inspire, Volunteer, Excercise