Interesting thoughts today

Today is my second day taking concerta – my son relished the idea of waking up and asking ME if I remembered to take my medicine. Lovely. He thinks it’s hilarious. I’m still not so sure.

It hasn’t effected me like I feared. I’m not speeding, or overly energized in any way fashion or form. It did not keep me awake all night, and I’m afraid it has not burst forth a sudden gift of immense interest in house cleaning. So.. it’s isn’t a miracle drug.

And yet – this morning when my son asked where his school shoes were, I remembered them being at the foot of my bed.

When Charlie wanted the car keys – they were hanging up.

When a confusing confrontation took place I was able to discern the communication break down. The person in question is a literal thinker – I am more 3D in my thought process and take into account the spirit of communication and not just the one dimensional line. I could discern that and communicate that without much conflict, emotion or confusion.

I can clearly articulate thought structures again – something I thought was lost forever. My brain and my fingers (and mouth) are coming close to the same speed. I am no longer thinking so quickly that I lose the train for tripping on the tracks.

My husband is understandably iffy – and is distantly optimistic. With good reason – we’ve had a bumpy road while I try to figure out why I can’t “be like other people” – knowing something was not quite right, but not being able to find answers. I’m sad to admit that I had truly resigned myself to simply being a failure at life and that this (jumbled mess of a woman who can’t keep up with anything) is all I’d ever be.

It’s been an interesting road. I’ve known about being ADD for only five years. I’ve done everything my doctors (and therapists) have suggested. My tendancy to be larger than life and fast moving, can be a strong hold for others and gets in the way of my heart. I can learn how to work with this, instead of against it.

I have learned over the last five years that ADD can be confused with bi-polar disorder, but that it is not one and the same. ADD people are subject to depression and low self esteem. Point taken. And i’m not bi-polar – sadly that information saddened me. I thought if I was at least that, then I could understand. I’m just crazy. I would have been okay with that diagnosis. Crazy is better than failure. KWIM? – I’m not taking that nearly as flip and lightly as it sounds. I have a family member who is bi-polar – it’s painful to watch.

Knowing thyself is important, true. Trusting God enough to live in the room of grace – where he stands with me – looking at the real me, and working together to mature me into the woman he wants me to be – is a far better road than my simply toughing this out on my own and continuing to fall short. With Christ I am victorious. Alone – I drown.

Yes, my husband and my friends are correct. The less medicine the better. I’m trusting God with his provision and his care. If this is not the help he wants for me, he’ll show me that. But for right now, I’m enjoying the clarity, the lack of fog, and I am hopefully expectant in our future together.

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