Written March 13, 2009

I have my days were admitting this is hard, but the truth is, I am my own problem. I am not your problem. Nobody, and I don’t care who you are, is responsible for my self-esteem. I keep telling myself that in spite of the fact, that I do at times try to make others responsible.

Yes, there are times and people who can take chinks out of it, or even add to it with a well timed compliment, but in the end – I stand alone. And so do you.

We all do.

And yet we don’t.

As believers, we stand in Christ. Filled to the measure with His Holy Spirit. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us – but sometimes, I’ll let false shame, push him away.

I’m presently in a place that I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be. I chose to take a risk, step out on faith, and come to the Professional Communicator’s Summit in Franklin Tennessee taught by Ken Davis and his staff at DCW. I am having a blast. I’m meeting people from all walks of life and from all places in ministry and I am learning things I could have never – ever learned anywhere else.

What blows my mind is how easily I could have talked myself out of coming. How easily – as recent as last night, the voices can start with how I don’t fit in, I’m out of my league, these people will never accept me. I haven’t done anything yet to warrent their approval or acceptance. There is no way I can earn that respect in just a couple of hours. I’m asking stupid questions, they are going to figure out that I’m the banana on the peach tree pretty quickly.

Now I have to tell you, it’s not just things like the Summit that can do that to me. It can be any thing, anywhere. And I have to know that about myself – repent of that kind of egotistical thinking. And yes, low self worth is still self obession and it’s pure EGO – I’m Edging God Out of my life when I get like that. And when I want to be liked, respected, fit in and approved of by people I’ve placed on a higher plane than myself, I’ve made them gods. Idolotry in it’s most basest form.

I did not invest the money I invested in this weekend to hide behind a frail ego, to be coddled and nurtured by anyone here, to simply hide in my room and feel sorry for myself for having a badly focused mirror. I am investing in the future that only God knows.

I have to let go of the fact that I did indeed have a ministry six years ago called Redemption’s Heart – it was growing and active. It had a focus and some direction and I threw it all away over hurt feelings, and anger. My being here, to learn how to improve is my active repentance. Carrying false shame over that – is not. God has not only forgiven me for that, He has opened new doors, new possibilities and new avenues for me to learn that I never had before.

I’ve made some really cool friends this weekend. I’ve learned amazing things from excellent professionals that I could not have learned, would not have learned otherwise. This summit has been 100% top quality professional work all the way. There were speakers and professionals that told me things I could not have known otherwise. Talk about your inside track, my gosh.

And to get the most out of it, I cannot just sit back and expect to be fed or taught or whatever. I cannot just sit there and think I don’t belong here and isolate myself. If I had continued to flow with my feelings when I first got here, I would have fulfilled that false belief. I would have been miserable. Instead, I have to act first and let the feelings follow. I have to step out, talk to people, listen to them, find out what they are doing that works, what they are doing that doesn’t work, and trust God with the rest of it. That means to keep talking until the stuttering and fear stops. If I stare at the floor the first time I talk to someone because of fear, so be it. Just be sure to speak to them a second time and not stare at the floor.

To get the most of out this and anything else, we all have to actively choose to be a willing, breathing, moving, and interested person in living life. And truly truly believing that God is a God of second chances, He will not bail on me if I do not get it right the first time and he won’t bail on you either.

That is a promise you can sleep on.