This song was written by Peggy Seeger. This is Pete’s performance on banjo. When I think of banjo, I think of Pete Seeger style – boom ditty. I hope you enjoy.
Category: Life After Kids
A Subversive Revolution
This is my last resolve quote. I’ve sat on it for quite a long time. I looked up subversive and it doesn’t sound like a nice person at all. It sound’s rebellious. I’m not rebellious. (okay so that’s a total lie.) And then I remembered, I said “tits” on a Facebook Post and I’m a Christian. That’s pretty subversive if you ask me. Granted it was totally in context of the point I was trying to make even if it is shocking.
I’ve sat here at my desk for well over a week trying to come up with my end of year blog. Every year I take inventory of my life. I write what went well, what didn’t and ponder where I want to go next year. Something ate at me though.
All I saw for days was what I didn’t do in 2013.
I didn’t ride with the Tulsa Diva’s like I said I would.
I didn’t walk the Rt 66 Marathon or run in a 5K
and I still stink at banjo. I didn’t practice enough so I have no one to blame but myself.
Now the fact that I had a physical limitation that took most of that off the table did not matter to me, all I could see was I failed my physical goals for the year. I couldn’t see my successes at all.
You know what?
As I wrap up 2013, I’ve decided that the most subversive thing I can do, for today, is to tell my broken brain to shut the heck up and start agreeing with God that I am who He says I am. I’ll admit that I do sometimes struggle with that.
2013 rocked!
I began 2013 with one word on my mind, Resolve. Every week I’d look up quotes that spoke to me and focus on them. It’s interesting to me to see the theme now.
- Dare to be powerful.
- Be my own best friend.
- Get outdoors.
- Free myself from criticism, fear, negative self-talk, and discouragement.
- Push myself to my limits
- challenge myself
- be fabulous
- don’t give up
- trust my courage.
- Remember who you are.
Wow, what a list. I did all that. While it’s true I didn’t do it all perfectly every day, I did do it to the best of my abilities. That’s an accomplishment. I also allowed myself to go on a four day vacation with some friends – only the second time I’ve ever done that in my life. That’s pretty cool.
- I gave up my IPhone in order to reconnect with real people face to face instead of online.
- I got a ton of stage time performing locally. While it was exhausting, it was fun.
- I met some personal heroes like Anne Lammot, Mark Lowry and Jennifer Rothschild (we sat next to each other on a plane. It was awesome)
- My humor piece about never having met Mark before is the most shared story of the year. He’s read it, I’m embarrassed, but I am allowing myself to admit it is funny and besides now that I’ve met him I’m a little less embarrassed that he read it. oh and thank you thank you thank you for that! You guys are awesome.
- I drove 15 hours by myself to podunk Indiana to compete in a clean comedy challenge next to comics who’ve been doing this for years and in front of national celebrities — AND I allowed myself to be critiqued by them. HOLY CANOLLIES — that woman – the one brave enough to do that did not exist five years ago — I’m just saying – we’re talking full on miracle here.
- I graduated from Thelma Well’s Daughters of Zion mentoring program and was awarded 30 college credit hours from the seminary she teaches at in Indiana. How cool is that?
Why do I get the feeling that I’ve spent 2013 being subversive and revolutionary and I didn’t even realize it?
I’m presently in a boot, recovering from surgery on my tibia. One of my goals for 2014 will involve physical therapy and learning how to walk again. Beyond that though, I’m still stuck. I don’t have my word or a scripture verse. Somehow, I’m okay with that.
Maybe all I need to do in 2014 is show up and leave the rest up to God.
What do you think?
Hard-Core Cowgirl or Stubborn Redhead?
In all fairness I did not realize I had broken my ankle on the beach.
Yes, it hurt.
No I could not walk on it properly.
But as long as I stepped on the ball of my right foot, and walked in sand, I could move around pretty well.
Besides I paid $100 to ride those horses.
On the beach.
In the ocean.
In the Bahamas.
I’m not going to let a little pain get in the way.
I did not find out my ankle was broken (Tibia) until I got home and had it x-rayed. That’s when I realized that I rode a horse, bareback, in the ocean with a broken ankle.
I think that makes me a hard-core cowgirl.
My husband thinks that makes me a stubborn redhead. What can I say, guilty as charged.
Stubborn or not, broken ankle or not, I had a wonderful time on the Girls Getaway Cruise sponsored by Premier Christian Cruises. Four days of insightful speakers, comedy via The Comedy Angels (Man they are hilarious), and great music with Selah. A few of us even got to come on stage and “sing” with Selah. That was a blast. Oh yeah, I’ll be holding that over my praise and worship leader husband for sure. I got to sing with Selah. BAM!
Because of my injury and needing special assistance by the airlines, I even got to sit with one of my favorite bible teachers, Jennifer Rothschild, on the flight from Orlando to Dallas. And yes for those who know me — it took a lot to hide giddy. I also prayed heavily before opening my mouth, “Dear Lord, what ever you do please don’t let me sound like an idiot.”
That lasted five minutes. We were talking about the comedy angels and I told her I was friends with one of them. She asked which one. I said, “The Redhead.”
For those who don’t know, Jennifer is blind.
Yep. I really did that.
I could have said, the one from Washington DC who compared Target to hell. That she could have gotten. Not “the redhead. ”
Oh well. She was gracious and didn’t point out the uselessness of that description, and for that I’m grateful.
Jesus Knows Me
bull-headed
Opinionated
Stubborn
Redheaded
rides horses with a broken ankle
get’s my words mixed up
Sometimes fearful
ME
This I love.
Music Monday: Queen Somebody to love
“Let me ask you one question. Do you really want to own a ranch, or are you just wanting to mother something”
CRAP.
I love my friends. Even the honest ones.
Honestly, I don’t know.
I hate the heat.
My gardens are already dead.
It was too hot to mess with a fall harvest.
I no longer care.
Sometimes, life after kids, is hard. Not impossible, but I’m not going to lie, I miss it sometimes.
All I Ever Wanted
I made it to the parking lot.
Then I made it to our car.
The minute my hand touched the door handle, I collapsed into tears.
Dropping our oldest off to college for the first time knocked the wind out of me and I cried the entire way home.
All I ever wanted when I was younger was to be someone’s wife, and somebody’s mother. I never dreamed of any other life really. Oh sure, maybe the occasional wish to be an actress or run away and be a circus clown but mostly I just wanted to be married. I thought being married would complete me in a way nothing else could. I was totally wrong in that assessment by the way, but that’s a story for later.
That kind of vibe sorta sticks and makes dating difficult to say the least. I have been looking for my MRS Degree since I could walk and talk. Guys know it and steer clear for the most part. Somehow or other though I met this really cute guy who picked up on the vibe and didn’t care. Seems he wanted the same things. Well, he didn’t want to be a wife, but he didn’t exactly mind having one – even one who lacked certain domestic skills like ironing and cooking.
My identity was always wrapped up in who I was dating. Codependancy and I are old roommies. You think Bella was nauseating? I was worse, trust me. When my high school sweetheart joined the navy I dreamed of being an officer’s wife and when that didn’t work out, it was the science teacher’s wife, the movie star’s wife, the … well you get the picture.
Being Deana, just wasn’t in my solar system of a brain. Every time I dated a new guy, I altered my personality to fit his. Manipulative? Yep. I tried on personalities and life styles like women try on clothes in a department store.
If I want to shift blame, I could easily place it on how I was raised. “act right or move out” was the motto in my home growing up. I lived in constant fear that I would wake up one day and my bags would be packed and I would be on my own. Truthfully though, where my chameleon came from is irrelevant. I own my adult choices today – even if it took 25 years to face them.
That’s what this blog is about you know. Owning choices. Life after kids. I’ve gotten away from that lately, and I’m sorry. I’ve been busy.
I am the quintessential mom. PTA president, Youth Group Leader, Home Room Mom, Office Volunteer, Substitute teacher, soccer coach. I did it all, gladly by the way. I thought I was going to die when they grew up. I didn’t.
My children are grown now. I joke about that regularly. My opening introduction is “My children are grown and my gardens are dead. Boy, are they happy I got it in that order.”
It’s been four years since my oldest left for college and one year since my youngest did the same.
In that time I have discovered:
- I love horses and even rode through the jungle’s of Belize on horseback.
- I’m funny and started doing stand up.
- I competed in a Clean Comedy Challenge in Indiana against pros who’ve been doing this for 10-20 years and while I didn’t win or place, I had a blast!
- I took my very first vacation ever – one that did not include visiting family.
- I also took my first vacation (gasp) without my husband.
- I left the Lutheran church and found a tradition that is more supportive of outreach and ministry.
- I started playing the banjo.
- I started serving dinner in a homeless shelter
- I sponsored my first child through Cups of Cold Water Ministries in the Dominican Republic
- I swam with sharks in Cancun
- I snorkeled a barrier reef.
- I love blue grass. Who knew?
- I come from a long line of farmers and ranchers (both sides of my family) — Instead of living in the suburbs, I want to own a ranch. My husband does not share that dream and so we compromise – I ride at a friends ranch instead. compromise is good.
- I’m going to learn how to rope, chase cans, and pen cattle for fun. All on horseback.
- I’m leaving for my second ever vacation next month and this time, I’m going to ride along the ocean and IN the ocean bareback on a horse. (How freaking cool is that?)
- I’ve taken command of my health and I’m learning about genetically modified foods and how they impact my body.
- I’ve become and advocate against Monsanto.
- I came out as a democrat.
- And I went back in the closet over that because I couldn’t handle the rejection and pushback. (I’m working on that)
- I’m learning how to voice my opinions with respect and ask for the same in return.
- I let go of old friendships that require me to stay a chameleon and feed my fears of abandonment.
- I’m making new friends.
- I started writing poetry.
- I wrote my first novel (unpublished, but written at least)
- And I’m getting ready to write my first non-fiction book.
I am free.
Life doesn’t end when our kids move out. It simply opens a new chapter and a new opportunity to meet the woman in the mirror. Have you met her lately? Have you listened to her? Are you free?
For some of you, this is your first year on your own. Your child has left for college and you are wondering what’s next. I’m here to tell you there is a lot of awesomeness next. Find one thing you want to learn this year and try it. You may like it, you may not. But either way — enjoy the ride.
Resolve: Good News and Bad News
Resolve: The best part of you
Easy? No. Worth it? Yes!
Sane women do not cut 14 inches off their hair, purchase $600 worth of MAC makeup, pack a car and drive 15 hours in one day for a three-day comedy contest. Especially if they’ve got less than 50 hours of stage time as a stand up comic and one book of jokes under their belt. Fortunately for me, I’ve never been accused of being sane. Something tells me, I’d make Sally Field proud. (Think Punchline)
Upside: I’m so new to the comic stage that I didn’t know enough to be afraid of the headliners from Letterman or the Tonight Show (among other notable comics) who were judging this competition.
Downside: I’m so new to the stage that I freaked out when I saw the wall of light instead of an audience and totally crashed and burned the first night. I did so poorly in fact that one of the judges said “I see you more as an actress than a comic, maybe you should do that instead.” Thank you Simon Cowell. That would have crushed me three years ago. Not today.
The great thing about being a 47-year-old menopausal red-head — tell me I can’t do something and I hunker down, dig my heels deep into the soil and prove you wrong. It’s how I roll. Said judge also sat down with me at lunch after my second set and offered very productive feedback. I made a new friend and I’m thankful.
I also did better the second night and nailed it the third.
Courage gave me a gift I can never repay.
I received lessons and insights into who I am,
opportunities to grow and let go of the past,
and a chance to lay down lies and false perceptions and find truth.
Four other things I learned about myself last week:
1. I’m funny
2. I’m courageous
3. I can learn how to trust again.
4. I’m stinkin’ adorable in short hair.
Where there is anger, there can be great comedy, but first you need to face the pain.
I’ve come to the conclusion that life will make a woman out of me yet, just not today.
Today my inner-child is engaged in the dialog. She likes to show up from time to time when she wants to teach me something. Now that I am in comedy, she and I have become quite close.
At the advice of some close comic friends, I’ve started mining the fertile soil of my past and my inner psyche for material. The only way I can safely travel through those ancient fields is if I take her along. I need to see through both the detached eyes of an adult as well as hers. She keeps me honest and she keeps me from putting myself down on stage.
For instance, I once wrote a joke about being “the fat chick with self-esteem issues” and that one never made the stage. She didn’t like it at all. And she’s back, this time as my genus as we walk through some hard topics like affairs, abuse, alcoholism, marriage, and self-esteem.
Sometimes I go through dark hallways when I write, even if I’m writing comedy. I find recesses in my own spirit that are wilted and it takes a bit of a journey before I get the water and light needed to bring balance back.
Sometimes I don’t realize I’m in a tunnel until I start getting emails and questions about my Facebook sharing. My humor get’s dark in tunnels. Without thinking I have (in a week’s time) changed my cover pic to I’m with Stupid (A brain pointing to a heart) and shared memes that are along the lines of “don’t cheat, leave if it’s that bad” and “do I smother them or make pancakes?” and people are starting to ask if my husband and I are okay — oops..
My husband and are FINE, thank you for asking. I’m just focusing on a hard chapter and I’m still unsure on the direction to take. I am presently working on a comedy set about cheating and low, the topic of the week at least in my internet “world” is cheating as well. Or maybe I’m just noticing it because of where my focus is these days. It seems like so many people are talking about it. Some are doing it. Other’s are posting meme’s against it. Other’s are getting divorced because of it and I feel like a voyeur most days.
A few weeks ago I heard a radio show justifying cheating, and this week I discovered that MTV has a man show that teaches guys how to cheat without getting caught. I can’t tell if it’s meant to be a comedy show or just pure crap. Or maybe it’s both, who knows. My skull finally exploded this week and it’s taken me a while to figure out why I’m so angry.
“What anger’s us in another person is more often than not, an unhealed aspect in ourselves. If we had already resolved that particular issue, we would not be irritated by it’s reflection back at us.” — Simon Fuller
Like it or not, there are victims in this equation. I know what cheating does to people. I’ve spent a lifetime cleaning up that wreckage and there’s some healing left to do. I have kinda strange boundary issues because of it as well. I can find the funny, if I allow myself the healing I need. No healing, no funny. That’s just how it works.
I don’t know of many things that can confuse a person more than growing up with a revolving door of parental partners. I’ve honestly lost count at the number of men and women who entered and left my life. It started long before my parent’s divorce and never really ended until recently.
Potential partners trying to win me over in order to win over the parent they want to have sex with is confusing as well as frustrating to a child. I always saw right through it and I learned how to play the game. I figured out pretty quickly that men and women alike were willing to drop big bucks on me if needed. I hate to admit this, but I’ve racked up trips to California, Disney World, Detroit Tiger’s ball games, designer clothes, college books, shoes, and many other things. I knew what they were doing, and I played along to my profit as well as their gain.
Of course, I always had questions.
Will I get a new Dad?
Is this my new Mom?
How attached do I get?
How long are they here for?
Will they stay?
None of them ever stayed and so it’s just a matter of time before the questions became “When will they leave?” and “Is it my fault they are gone?” No wonder I have trust issues.
Mining comedy doesn’t always start in shallow waters. Good comedy goes beyond knock knock jokes and puns and searches for that diamond in the rough — that redeemable moment of vulnerability and truth. Depths and layers are explored. It’s a painful process at times. Writing comedy allows me to explore the layers of my life and of society, allowing me to be vulnerable and not only face myself and my past, but to embrace the future as well.
Good comedy has an obligation to take you past the comfortable and expand your mind, but first it sometimes breaks a writer’s heart. All in a day’s work.
Deana O'Hara - Speaker, Comedian, Writer 