Tag: bulimia

Why do you Want to Lose Weight?

Deana4 Comments

Note: My stats are showing more and more people searching for bulimia — I don’t have the answers. That’s why I’m posting this tonight. I am receive a dozen or more hits every day now wanting to know about bulimic prayers, hope, healing, etc.  I’m just now coming face to face with the damages I caused my body when I was younger. While I no longer physically purge food — I was released from that captivity several years ago –  I do still at times over eat, over exercise,  and starve for the wrong reasons. — if any of this is an issue for you, please please PLEASE check out the page my friend gave me.  Setting Captives Free.  I’ve committed to it myself, starting today. It’s a wonderful sight. Thanks.

The first question I see in every weightloss program I’ve ever tried is “Why do you want to lose weight?”

That’s a loaded question, don’t you think? Why do any of us want to lose weight?

To:

  • Fit in that new dress / bathing suit.
  • Look good for vacation / wedding / class reunion.
  • Find a Mate. (Already have one)
  • Build my self-esteem
  • Be healthy and live longer.
  • Get my blood pressure and sugar back down to reasonable levels.
  • Be more successful as a worker / performer / speaker
  • Finally wear skinny jeans again.
  • Receive positive attention from others.

Lots of choices to that question, but something tells me (other than looking ahead) all of my answers are incorrect.

I ran into an old friend this weekend. Someone I hadn’t seen in ages. She looked great. What I noticed first though, was her eyes. They had this light that I feel like I’ve lost.  I wanted to know what she was doing differently. I mean I’m reading the Bible. I’m praying, I’m studying healthy eating habit and I’m exercising.

I’m.

I’m.

I’m.

I’m.

hmmmm

 

Then she said something really great – eating disorders cover false idols.

I had never until that very moment thought of the idol of being thin.

It was a total “aha” moment for me.

It was immediately obvious that I’m doing something very different from what she is doing. She’s living to honor God, I’m living to get thin again. No wonder my eyes look tired and her’s don’t.  If I’m is a contraction of I am. Maybe I’m focusing on the wrong I AM?

I wonder.

Think about it.

An idol is a false god — something that replaces the real God we have in Christ.

CONFESSION: Every single reason I have ever – in my life – had, for wanting to lose weight — is an idol. Approval, self-esteem, respect, personal health, success, control. None of my choices had anything to do with God. No wonder I continue to  fail. I’ve made it all about me.

What about you?

What is your reason for wanting to lose weight?  

  

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart: Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic. All rights reserved. No goods or services were given in exchange for the endorsement of Setting Captives Free. I am only sharing a resource that I myself find to be very useful.

 

Let’s Talk About it: Priorities

DeanaLeave a comment
perfectionist 2
Image by Katiya (Singhing again) via Flickr

 

 I don’t know about you, but I tend to spend a good portion of my day focusing on what I do well and neglecting what I think I don’t do well. I love to study, teach Bible Studies, write, work with artists, and promote events for charity. All of those are great things it’s just that, I hate housework. I don’t mean dislike, I mean really really HATE it. My excuse is, I’m just not good at it, which is code for I can’t do it to my standards and therefore I tend to avoid it.   

 Then I let things build up to such a point that I nearly kill myself putting it back in order again.  When I really think about it, that’s how I approach my health, my weight, my spiritual life, my work. I let things slide if I don’t think I can do them well enough and then kill myself putting my house back in order again.        

Yep, I’m a perfectionist.         

I did argue that with someone once. I told her that a perfectionist is someone who does things perfectly all the time, I don’t even come close to well enough in my opinion, much less perfect so there is no way ……         

 I’ve learned something though. Eating disorders and perfection are very closely tied. Both are about control. If my world feels out of control than I find something external to focus on like my body or a project or a person or whatever. And I’ll use that to numb the fear. I’m afraid of what I can’t control. If I can’t control it, I might be disappointed, and I don’t like pain.         

Control is why I         

  • Work out for hours a day when practicing Tai Chi or train for other events. I don’t want to practice an art, I want to WIN. It’s never about playing the game, it’s really about winning.
  • If I think I can’t win, I quit.
  • Starve myself when I want to achieve a certain weight goal.
  • Avoid uncomfortable conversations when I’m feeling hurt or rejected.
  • Stuff my “out of control” feelings with food, or work, or religion.
  • Hyper focus on what I’m good at and ignore everything else, thinking I can control my world.

I need balance and better priorities.         

I did discover FLYLADY a few years back and her programs and schedules do help me stay prioritized. It’s just a tool though, and it only works, when I work it. Through Marla’s web site and encouragement, I am learning how to be less of a perfectionist and more of a person.       

Another thing I do is remember what King David writes in the psalms, Psalm 121:1-2 I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.     

God helps me with my perfection, my fears, my eating and hyper focusing and everything else. I can’t get there by myself. The more I reach out through prayer and through listening the better able I am to make better choices and find peace.    

What about you?         

Are you a perfectionist?         

How do you prioritize your day?         

This post written by Deana O’Hara, for Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic. All rights reserved. September 10, 2010.

My name is Deana and I am bulimic

Deana6 Comments
Eating Cake on my second birthday.

There is a sentence I never thought I’d say or write, but it’s true. Looking back at my MIL’s photo album from the last 22 years, I can’t help but see it. My 5’4” frame has varied in weight from 127 – 210 pounds and back again since I was 13. Today, I am somewhere in the high end of the middle. My joints hurt, I tire easily, and my eating disorder has stolen more than I can even count right now.

 I read Anne Lamott’s Traveling Mercies while I was recovering from my hysterectomy this summer and while I cannot relate to her stories of alcoholism, I can relate to her chapter on bulimia. In that chapter she writes about learning how to feed herself. I read that and realized that I too do not know how to feed myself, physically, emotionally, or mentally. I can relate to her resentment over having anyone control her drinking because I feel the same way about my eating. I have refused groups like Overeaters Anonymous because I don’t want anyone telling me what to eat and when or where to exercise and how.  I’m like a two year old with a “Me do it” mentality. I have gone so far as to ask a friend in OA which “control freak” groups to stay away from so that I could stay in control of myself. I didn’t like his answer and I simply resolved to try harder. I’m failing at it miserably by the way – go figure.

 Seems I live that way a lot. Try harder and it’ll all work out. I’ve been a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups since 1977, you’d think I’d know better but apparently I don’t always.  God and I are working on that.

 Redemption’s Heart is still the main name of my blog.

 Isaiah 43  1 But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you;  I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”

You may notice that I added the phrase “Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic” to my title. I’ve done that because my bulimia has over time become a life mind set; it over flows into everything I do. I binge on whatever it is that feels good or fills me up at the moment only to find that it doesn’t sustain. Filled with shame and guilt, I purge my emotions, my calendar and sometimes my food and vow to do better next time. It simply fits my story.

 For those who’ve been with me since the beginning, you know that Redemption’s Heart does not follow a nice clean churchy path. It is one of starts and stops, highs and lows, mixed with moments of amazing clarity and foggy confusion. I have been rejected by more churches than accepted by; refused baptism by one priest and therefore baptized in a tradition I’ve never belonged to (Episcopal); I’ve met the Maharishi, offered unwitting prayers to Sova (transcendental meditation); met the King of Sweden; believed in the healing power of crystals; studied Wiccan; practiced Tai Chi; read tarot cards as if they were real; contemplated (and eventually rejected) the possibilities of reincarnation; prayed in tongues (yes, I have that gift and will write about it later); prayed with groans when nothing else sufficed; prayed scripture; prayed to saints, dead relatives, God and the Virgin Mary. I have even conversed with Mary in dreams and argued with the devil himself.

 Somewhere in there I married a Missouri Synod Lutheran.

My road has been well-traveled my friends, and I, like St Augustine, know that it is God who has called me by name. When I am tired of listening to my own voice, I remember to get still again and listen to his.

Most of my readers were Lutheran when I first started writing and as a result, mixed with a deep seeded desire to fit in and please, I try to keep my posts what I call “Lutheran Friendly.” Today my readership is mixed. Some of you are Catholic, Baptist, Buddhist, Charismatic, Muslim, Jewish, Wiccan, and even Agnostic. We are an eclectic community in this little slice of cyber space and I am thankful for each and every one of you. I simply ask that in our conversations we stay polite and kind with each other.

 There will be posts and thoughts about God and life that you can resonate with and there will be posts that will probably violate all sensibilities and make you think. I think that is a good thing.

 I’m not here to discuss politics – in or out of church – nor am I here to convince you that I’m correct in my assessments of life or of God. I don’t know all of the million dollar words that makes Christians sound so well-educated.  I’m a traveler in this world, just like you. I’m really here because, well – I’m growing my voice and this seems to be the best way to do that. I’m humbled by the reality that many of you have chosen to join me in this journey.

 I will still review books, offer resource recommendations and talk about my daily life – perhaps ad nauseam some times and in that mix I will share with you my steps, my stumbles, my neuroses, and my prayers.

 Thank you for joining me.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved. August 12, 2010