Menopause sucks. I’m just going to say it. If it’s not hot flashes, weird girl issues, sweaty palms, hormones through the roof that keep me looking at the ground half the time, and insomnia, — it’s dreams so strange that if Sigmund Freud were to analyze them he’d think “Wow that woman is messed up!”

In the past seven days I have:

• Met the Gaithers in my underwear
• Been adopted as a daughter by my son’s former high school principal
• Been stalked, hunted down and shot at by an acquaintance’s wife. That one still has me freaked out.

Not to feel to horribly alone, a friend shared with me today that she dreamed she was forced to create macaroni art using cockroaches.

I don’t know about the rest of you guys, but I want my insomnia back.