I’m Sorry + I Forgive You should = Peace but does it?

No sweat…just send me your best cash love offering and we’ll call it all good. – the dude I insulted last weekend after I apologized. (see Medusa Face)

I think his response is hilarious – and frankly God’s way of telling me to lighten up just a scoshe and breathe. It took about 48 hours for him to see my apology and respond to it. The dude is not on twitter that much. I died a million deaths in those 48 hours let me tell you.

Honestly, I stink at receiving forgiveness. If I were to walk this out, I’d take him at his word and then avoid him for the rest of my life. Which is self-defeating really, but again. it’s how I roll sometimes even with God. I have a lot to learn. If you want to know more about that see Can You Give Me Three Days?

I’m not different from any of you. We all need forgiveness even if we aren’t willing to admit it. I have this hole inside of me sometimes that craves to be filled and rather than receive the right things, like forgiveness, I’ll fill it with fear and overachieving perfectionism and call it good even if it isn’t.

My abandonment issues can be so bad that I catch myself jumping up and down causing great internal injuries just to prove I’m loveable. It’s annoying at times I’m sure. Failure and Forgiveness are not part of my family tree. Not only do we never admit fault when we can blame someone else, we never forgive others even if they do try to make amends. Forgiveness has always been that carrot we hold out to each other while we make the other person jump through hoops to “earn it.” not that they ever do of course.

It took me years to unlearn those teachings.

While I’ve learned the difference between I’m sorry and I was wrong and how to forgive others who are asking for forgiveness, I’ve yet to fully learn how to receive forgiveness in the right spirit. I don’t trust it really. I’d much rather buy my way out of a bad deal than receive grace any day. Which is why I thought his response is so funny.

I noticed a lot of you (over 1,000) found my blog this last week looking for how to say I’m Sorry and Letting Go. No one came to my blog this week looking for forgiveness per se, but that’s really what they were looking for when they searched “I’m sorry.”

Something interesting happened this week. My elder pulled me aside after our Sunday School class and asked if I’d teach on Luke 21. The whole chapter. We are on 19 right now and I’d have roughly two weeks to prepare. I immediately said yes, and then excused myself to throw up.

Yep, that’s how I roll. I say yes to God and spend as much time praying to the porcelain god as I do the real one. Hope that doesn’t offend, I’m just trying to keep it real.

I’ve taught before. I’ve spoken a lot of places, acted in some movies and have done stand up and yet again I’m giving  God my list of “why I can nots” and He tells me “Just read it will ya?” The very first paragraph caught me right between the eyes.

The Widow’s Offering

 1 As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. 2 He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. 3 “Truly I tell you,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. 4 All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”

All of my reasons of why I can’t, courtesy of the evil committee that lives rent free in my head.

1. I’m not good enough – did you not see what I did to that man? A stranger yet!

2. He hasn’t even forgiven me.

3. What if I’m not forgivable?

4. Why are you wasting your time on me?

5. I’m a neurotic mess, isn’t there someone more qualified?

The God I worship for whatever reason doesn’t seem to want someone who can give out of the wealth of their gifts. He sees my two copper coins for what they are – and calls it beautiful. My poverty: My sinful nature,  my pride, my fears, my needs for forgiveness even when I don’t know how to receive it yet, my ego, my low self esteem, my neurosis and bad attitude, my warped sense of humor and my willingness to be humble – all of it matters to him.

 I have no confidence (as the world would define confidence) in my own gifts and / or abilities, but I am in confident in this – “Being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1: 6 (NIV) –

And I have confidence in knowing that He will indeed bring people into my life who continue to model true forgiveness and that I will eventually find peace that lasts .

Now, if you think that God would just leave me here – you would be wrong. Click on the photo below to hear His answer to my doubts. Thanks!

Even my computer is insecure. Great.

I saw this message when I logged on today:

You are using an insecure browser! It looks like you’re using an insecure version of Internet Explorer. Using an outdated browser makes your computer unsafe. For the best WordPress experience, please update your browser. Update Internet Explorer or learn how to browse happy.

“Learn how to browse happy.”

I love that.

It makes me wonder though. I mean what does it mean to browse unhappy?

Do web pages compare themselves to one another?

Do systems suffer from server envy?

Is a large bandwidth the result of too much sugar

or an over inflated ego?

Is Joomla a code word for ganja?

Is SQL anything like LSD?

What makes a browser insecure?

Did I not appreciate it enough?

Is sad because Google Chrome is just that much shinier?

I do have to laugh, heaven knows I’m insecure enough. Really – you should have seen me when I found out a guy I knew when I was 15 has since graduated from Yale as well as the Chicago School of  Law and is now an attorney in Utah. Suddenly my whole career achievements paled in comparison (in my imagination at least) and I turned into a blithering puddle of insecurities. It wasn’t pretty, trust me.

I was an exchange student in Sweden my junior year, which is how I met this fellow to begin with.  While I loved being there, it did hurt my overall GPA and my grades weren’t good enough in high school to get into the University of Michigan like I wanted. I wound up graduating with an Associates Degree from a local business college instead.

It does not matter that I ran my own data room by time I was 21, was a Sigma 7 Analyst for Motorola’s board of directors, trained engineers on global network optimization, or that I designed and engineered the SS7 network protocol system for the MCI/Wiltel network integrations including electronic and geographic diversity – no easy feat when you know how incestuous telecom really is. I did all of that before I turned 33, at which point I left my career to raise my family.

When presented with something I label as more prestigious than what I’ve accomplished, I crumble like bad cheese.

Unlike Internet Explorer, my upgrades to security don’t come with a click of a button, although I wish they would. Mine comes with hard work, honesty, self-realization, and hopefully a sense of humor.

How about you?

What things make you feel insecure. How do you deal with it?

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved. september 29, 2011.