Tag: Johnny Depp

Country Girls, Chatter Boxes, Lobotomies and Life

Deana3 Comments

hy·per·bo·le

   [hahy-pur-buh-lee]

1. obvious and intentional exaggeration.
2. an extravagant statement or figure of speech not intended to be taken literally, as “to wait an eternity.”

Have you ever tried to tell a joke to someone and have them stare at you like you have a third eye? Me too. I’m amazed at how many people do not recognize hyperbole from reality, especially when it comes to humor. In light of that recent discovery,  I want to clarify a few points for my literalistically thinking friends and followers. (I’m pretty sure I made that word up, but you know what I mean.)

While my girlfriends and I love to talk about Johnny Depp, we’re not about to leave our husbands for him. He’s a brilliant actor for sure, but that’s all. And if you still do not understand the nuances of hyperbole, go read some Anne Lamott. She is a strong influence on my writing style today.

I did not really go buy a little black dress, red lipstick and fish-net stockings when I read “Follow me and I will make you fishers of men.” That is what we call a joke. All references to my “catch and release program” in Fishers of Men simply refer to how insecure, clingy and naive I was in my younger years.

Even though I think they are charming as heck, cowboys do not really give me the hiccups. Yes I did blush and giggle the very first time I met one, however, I like the simplicity and manners that comes with these guys. They make it safe and easy to be a woman. And let’s face it, something about being called “darlin” touches my heart. I never had that growing up and I’ve learned to enjoy it today. It’s when they stop calling me darlin’ that I worry.

A walking lobotomy is simply a phrase I use to describe how easily I can throw my IQ out the window when it comes to certain men. When I was younger (much much younger), if our eyes met across a crowded room and my heart started doing 280, chances are they either had a flask in their pocket or a criminal record. Or in the case of that blue-eyed wonder I met in front of the Sears Tower back in 1987, both.

I did not really hire a stunt double for my annual exam – again that was a JOKE.

I am not a stay home wife anymore. I am a self-employed comic, speaker, actress, artist and freelance writer. Having my personal office in my home is not that same as “staying home.” I am not a bored housewife taking artsy fartsy classes to pass the time. I’m an artist striving to improve my craft. I left my career in telecommunications to raise my family and care for a child with epilepsy. I’m very proud of both of my children and have no regrets. In order for me to return to telecom, I’d have to go back to college and start over. I figured if I was going to start over at my age, why not do something I’m good at and enjoy.

Contrary to popular belief, I am still married – to the same man I met back in 1988 (not the Sears Tower dude). We love each other a great deal and are comfortable enough with each other and our relationship to acknowledge that certain Hollywood stars are dreamy. He’s into Meg Ryan, Goldie Hawn, Emma Stone, and a few others. His tastes run more towards natural beauty than flash. I like that. The fact that I sometimes write jokes about cowboys, Hollywood bad boys, and my previous dating disasters does not in any way shape or form bother him. If it did, I would write about something else entirely. My husband reads my blog every week. I do not write anything that would shock or amaze him. We’ve been together since December 3, 1988. There isn’t a man alive who knows me better than he does.

He knows if I’m laughing and cutting up with a man, it’s no big deal. He knows that taking me to see a Johnny Depp or Robert Downey Jr flick is no big deal either.

I know not to go see Magic Mike or read 50 Shades of Grey. That would not sit well.

He knows if I’m rendered silent in the presence of a man (and yes that does still happen to me at times, I’m 47  and very human and if you say that has never happened to you, well I think you are lying.) or avoid someone like the plague – just trust that and move on.

And for all my girlfriends who texted me Monday night telling me to change the channel to the CMA’s – I know that the first Monday night football game of the season is on and there is no way I’m going to be able to convince that man to change the channel for five minutes just so I can watch Luke Bryan dance.

Have mercy.

Friday Funny: it’s an eye candy trifecta

Deana2 Comments

I hope all of you are holding up through this heat wave that has crossed America these last few weeks. It’s so hot in Oklahoma, my hot flashes feel like cold showers. My dogs even looked at the squirrel this morning and said, “not today.” It’s just that hot.

Why not pour yourself a refreshing glass of sweet tea and set a spell while I ponder what is really causing this heat wave.

I know everyone is blaming global warming for our present circumstances. I don’t. While it’s obvious from the heat that hell hasn’t frozen over and my Cubbies aren’t going to win the World Series this year, (although rumor has it the Eagles are touring again) I have my own theory about the heat wave.

I believe We’ve hit the eye candy trifecta and our nation is on full cougar alert. You don’t believe me? Check out my count down to the top three causes of our heat wave.

3. Magic Mike hits the big screen. Woman across the country are seeking solace from the heat and flocking to theaters everywhere hoping to see Channing Tatum sell out his dignity by taking it off. The movie promises fun, and delivers a punch that no one sees coming. While this may look like cotton candy with all it’s sugary goodness, Channing has something to say about the women who treat men like meat. Much like a sugar rush that wears off too soon, expect a slap in the face with that lap dance. He should have been a dentist. The overall message? Too much sugar causes cavities. Whether temps are rising over the eye-candy or the bait and switch has yet to be determined.

2 Kate and Tom Cruise split. Okay let’s face it, we all saw this coming and while some of us are happy for Kate (yours truly included) there is still a long line of women who crave the fun-filled lollipop triple dipped in psycho that is Tom Cruise. Thus earning him slot number two in my summer trifecta.

1. the number one cause for America’s heat wave Johnny Depp returns to America as a single man. I blame this event for single-handedly raising temps nation wide. Women world-wide are singing the hallelujah chorus. The one man who would rather sit in a dark room than expose himself as a sex symbol, who thinks it too weird to think of himself as a celebrity and who is by far and large the most brilliant actor in Hollywood today is single. Oh what a Midnight Summer’s Dream. Have mercy.

While I’m sitting here on my front porch practicing slides, pull offs, and hammer notes on my banjo, I hope y’all are finding a way to stay cool.

Have a great weekend. And remember you are awesome and nobody can take that away from you.