Tag: letting go

If you let go of nothing else, let this be the one.

Deana2 Comments

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I performed in a comedy contest two years ago. One judge told me to never perform comedy again after my first night. I had two more sets to do after that. Honestly all he did was piss me off — I may or may not have semi-intentionally torched that bridge while I was still standing on it. I may receive the grace at some point to make that right and I may not. I don’t know yet.

A second judge watched all three sets and then called bullshit on 90% of my jokes.

“If who you are communicating on stage is who you really think you are, then someone lied to you. Go find out who you really are, she’s the woman I want to see in your comedy next year.”

I then went home and promptly broke my ankle, had two major surgeries on my leg and was left without my go to for approval places, giving me 14 months to think about what both comics told me.

Neither judge was wrong.

I let fear rule my choices in jokes.

I wanted everyone to like me.

That was my first “big” comedy deal and I played it safe and I played it weak. I played “cute” to win people over.

It’s no wonder they didn’t like me, I didn’t even like the woman I pretended to be on stage.

I spent 14 months taking more than my comedy set back to the studs, I took myself there and I ended 2014 with a lot of letting go.

My trash pile includes:

Friends on Facebook who were only there because I thought I had something to prove — They were there as a see, you should have believed in me – look at me now kind of thing. Some were people I used to know but am no longer friends with and others weren’t even people I actually like in real life.

Names I’ve been called, things I’ve been told. Words like “lazy”, “Slut”, “Bitch”, “unwanted”, “stupid”, “bossy”, “Controlling”, “Bastard”.

Filling that wound with applause and achievements.

My need to control people by being cute or overly submissive.

Mind reading. I suck at it anyway.

Places and friends that are not safe.

Tilting at windmills — wasting energy and trying to change what cannot be changed. Controlling others.

Purposefully giving people a reason not to like me if I think they already don’t. Burning bridges while standing on them.

The desire to be known being over run by the fear of being found out. — that’s a big one and I’ll write more about that as the year unfolds.

Now you’d think after 30 years in a recovery program, I’d have all of this down cold. Notsomuch. One of the worst tag lines that’s going to take work for me is being told,

“I can’t wait for the day when I can prove to the world what a bitch you really are.”

That sentence alone has been the root of so many choices. That’s the sentence that I’ve allowed to define my actions and word choices for so many years. It also defined my sets and choice of jokes.

That’s the fear both comics saw manifest itself in that small theater in Indiana.

I learned a lot at The Cove. I learned that I’m not a bitch and that seasons pass just fine without my interference. I’m not any of those other labels either.

I’ve learned that I can know that for myself without having to inappropriately lean on those who already knew that for me.

So, I call a do over not only in my approach to comedy, but my approach to relationships as well and 2015 is just the year to do that.

Happy New Years you guys.

Much love,

Deana

Time to face the music

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messIt’s reckoning time boys and girls.

My office is a nightmare.

No really.

I’m not exaggerating.

It is so jam-packed with stuff that I can barely walk in the room.

I’ve resorted to using my lap top on my back porch just to avoid the mess. Only problem is, it’s winter and baby it’s cold outside.

I have an excuse.

I’ve had a broken leg for 14 months and so I’ve spent the last 14 months just throwing things in my office and thinking, “I’ll deal with it later.”

That is a LONG time to stock pile crap.

Bills to be filed.

Boxes of I-don’t-have-a-place for-junk that I probably really don’t need.

Crafts that I thought I’d work on while convalescing and didn’t.

Books I never got around to reading but want to someday.

I even let other people store things they didn’t have room for in there like an old turn table, huge inflatable balls, stuffed animals, and broken things.

There are only two things that are motivating me right now.

  1. PAIN: It’s too cold to use my laptop outside.
  2. CHANGE AND THE CHANCE TO CREATE SOMETHING NEW. My oldest son moved out a couple of weeks ago and my youngest wants his room. That frees up his old room which is larger and nicer than my office. I now have the opportunity to clean out my office and move it to another room and create a guest bedroom in the smaller space.

 

If I’m being honest it turns out my office isn’t the only area of my life I’ve been putting off to deal with later. I’ve stock piled a lot of things in the last 14 months, anger, hurt feelings, insecurity, fear, you name it, I loaded it up. I’ve even gained 21 pounds since I broke my leg.

My physical weight is always a good indicator that I’m stuffing things. I stuffed a lot.

While my son and I removed over seven bags of physical trash from all three rooms, I thought it would be a good time to let go of the emotional garbage as well.

Touch it once, deal with it and move on. Make that phone call. Write that letter. Say that prayer. Let it go.

I want to end 2014 on a clean slate and start 2015 fresh.

How about you?

What things have you stock piled this year to deal with later?

Why not start today?

Coulda Woulda Shoulda Take Two

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ImageFor those who tried to click on this yesterday, I do apologize. A technical glitch (ie. ID10T error) caused this post to temporarily post prematurely.

———–

Nothing quite says “good morning” like walking outside and realizing your car has been stolen and nothing quite makes finding the car bittersweet like discovering that the thief kept all of your electronics.

Granted the whole issue is 90% my fault. If I hadn’t decided to unpack my car in the morning because I was “tired” from a road trip, I’d still have my camera, IPad, and laptop. Lesson learned.

And I’d still have my video footage of my comedy as well as the boys high school graduations if I’d backed my camera up to more than just my laptop. But I didn’t.

Oh well.

Coulda woulda shoulda does nothing for how I feel about the whole situation though. Truth is, I feel violated.

Feeling violated is a perfectly normal response. Staying stuck in that feeling however, is not.

Even though I wrote a rather funny comedy bit about how the police officer didn’t believe my car was actually stolen and even though I got to tell my bit on a nationally syndicated radio show (Thank you Daren Streblow for that wonderful chance), it was months before I could tell that bit without my voice shaking.

I kept telling myself “It’s just stuff, no big deal. At least we got my car back” but I didn’t really believe it.

My “stuff” – my tapes, my stories, my photos, were stolen in July 2013. It is now March 2014 and only now have I saved up enough money to replace my lap top and my camera. I even took that as forgive me for this “a sign from God” that maybe I shouldn’t do comedy ever again.

I mean let’s face it, all proof that I’d ever done comedy was now gone.

We let fear get the best of us during the in between stage of theft and recovery. I live in Fort Knox. I no longer keep my front door unlocked. I keep lights on in my house, I leave nothing in my car and I don’t go anywhere alone.

I really needed to take back my peace of mind. I made the decision to replace what was stolen once and for all.

This is my first post on my new laptop. This is me telling whomever stole my stuff that you can’t steal my heart.

Honestly, I could have probably found a way to replace it sooner, but I think I was punishing myself for allowing it to be stolen in the first place and put it off.

I convinced myself that my $299 Samsung tablet was good enough. It wasn’t. Not for what I do anyway.

I write.

I do stand up comedy.

I take amazing photographs.

I love sitting on my back porch, writing in the sunshine.

I’m doing that today.

I win.

Question for you dear readers. Have you ever had anything stolen? How did you deal with it?

A Subversive Revolution

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Image

This is my last resolve quote. I’ve sat on it for quite a long time. I looked up subversive and it doesn’t sound like a nice person at all. It sound’s rebellious. I’m not rebellious. (okay so that’s a total lie.) And then I remembered, I said “tits” on a Facebook Post and I’m a Christian. That’s pretty subversive if you ask me. Granted it was totally in context of the point I was trying to make even if it is shocking.

I’ve sat here at my desk for well over a week trying to come up with my end of year blog. Every year I take inventory of my life. I write what went well, what didn’t and ponder where I want to go next year. Something ate at me though.

All I saw for days was what I didn’t do in 2013. 

I didn’t ride with the Tulsa Diva’s like I said I would.

I didn’t walk the Rt 66 Marathon or run in a 5K

and I still stink at banjo. I didn’t practice enough so I have no one to blame but myself.

Now the fact that I had a physical limitation that took most of that off the table did not matter to me, all I could see was I failed my physical goals for the year. I couldn’t see my successes at all.

You know what?

As I wrap up 2013, I’ve decided that the most subversive thing I can do, for today, is to tell my broken brain to shut the heck up and start agreeing with God that I am who He says I am. I’ll admit that I do sometimes struggle with that.

2013 rocked!

I began 2013 with one word on my mind, Resolve. Every week I’d look up quotes that spoke to me and focus on them. It’s interesting to me to see the theme now.

  • Dare to be powerful.
  • Be my own best friend.
  • Get outdoors.
  • Free myself from criticism, fear, negative self-talk, and discouragement.
  • Push myself to my limits
  • challenge myself
  • be fabulous
  • don’t give up
  • trust my courage.
  • Remember who you are.

Wow, what a list. I did all that. While it’s true I didn’t do it all perfectly every day, I did do it to the best of my abilities. That’s an accomplishment. I also allowed myself to go on a four day vacation with some friends – only the second time I’ve ever done that in my life. That’s pretty cool.

  1. I gave up my IPhone in order to reconnect with real people face to face instead of online.
  2. I got a ton of stage time performing locally. While it was exhausting, it was fun.
  3. I met some personal heroes like Anne Lammot, Mark Lowry and Jennifer Rothschild (we sat next to each other on a plane. It was awesome)
  4. My humor piece about never having met Mark before is the most shared story of the year. He’s read it, I’m embarrassed, but I am allowing myself to admit it is funny and besides now that I’ve met him I’m a little less embarrassed that he read it. oh and thank you thank you thank you for that! You guys are awesome.
  5. I drove 15 hours by myself to podunk Indiana to compete in a clean comedy challenge next to comics who’ve been doing this for years and in front of national celebrities — AND I allowed myself to be critiqued by them. HOLY CANOLLIES — that woman – the one brave enough to do that did not exist five years ago — I’m just saying – we’re talking full on miracle here.
  6. I graduated from Thelma Well’s Daughters of Zion mentoring program and was awarded 30 college credit hours from the seminary she teaches at in Indiana. How cool is that?

Why do I get the feeling that I’ve spent 2013 being subversive and revolutionary and I didn’t even realize it?

I’m presently in a boot, recovering from surgery on my tibia. One of my goals for 2014 will involve physical therapy and learning how to walk again. Beyond that though, I’m still stuck. I don’t have my word or a scripture verse. Somehow, I’m okay with that.

Maybe all I need to do in 2014 is show up and leave the rest up to God.

What do you think?

We are all hypocrites and drama queens

Deana3 Comments

There is a difference between a catastrophe and an inconvenience. While some of us are happy that President Obama won a second term, many are unhappy and are reacting as though this were an earth shattering catastrophe.  Let me make myself clear here — Hurricane Sandy and the destruction to lower Manhattan and other parts of the East coast is a catastrophe – Mitt Romney losing the election is an inconvenience at best. Some  of us need to get a grip.

No matter who you voted for yesterday, today we breathe in, we put one foot in front of the other and we live. Hopefully we live for something outside of ourselves. I voted, and those who know me best know who I voted for and why. Granted if you follow me on Twitter, you already know who I voted for and if you are still reading my blog you either agree with me or came to see if God struck me dead with lightning yet.

So for all of my Christian readers who believe I’m in a hand basket headed straight for hell, sorry. I’m still here. And being black-listed for either being a Christian or being a Democrat does not hurt my feelings. I needed time off anyway and now that my entire month of November is free, I can write my book.

I say that a little tongue in cheek in all honesty. Are we really that petty? Hollywood black lists Christians and Christians black list each other over trivial things. Drama queens abound on either side and yet somewhere in the middle is our tribe.

I’ll admit trying to give up anger during an election year has not been easy. I might as well as tried to give up chocolate while working in a candy store. So many things can make my skull split in half, the word “Koolaid” being the most recent thing that brings out my alter-ego “home-girl.” I try to placate her with cookies, but sometimes she comes out and she is U-G-L-Y.

I have an IQ of over 145, I don’t drink koolaid and neither does anyone else I know. I hear that word on both sides of the spectrum. Not only does the far right use it to describe Democrats, I have several atheist friends do the same thing to describe anyone who dares believe in a God.  My writers group is loaded with atheists and progressive Christians. I fall somewhere in the middle I’m sure.

I love my friends dearly, and I know I am a bit of a conundrum to them. I’m a Christian female who gave up my career to raise my family. No regrets. I choose to submit to my husband out of love and respect (not fear or koolaid brainwashing), and yet I am a Democrat. I believe in helping those less fortunate. I believe that women have equal value to men. I believe in a lot of things actually. If I’ve learned nothing from this election season, I’ve learned this: In the final analysis, be us believers of God or not, we’re all hypocrites and drama queens.   

That’s good news to me. Knowing we are all hypocrites means we can let go of our masks and just be ourselves and hopefully learn to love each other.

Now let us put one foot in front of the other, breathe in and out, stop awefullizing everything, quit being a victim and LIVE.

Have you ever played small? Cut it out.

Deana3 Comments

Making myself nothing to suit others is not humility; it’s ego and lack of trust. When I make myself small to “help” someone else feel like they are important what I’m really communicating is I think I’m too big for you to handle and you are too weak to see my greatness. Real relationships require real honesty. If I cannot allow myself to be fully me when we’re together, am I really allowing the other person to be all they can be? Of course not.

Making myself nothing is just another mask for fear. Fear is nothing more than False Evidence Appearing Real. What are we really afraid of when we do that? Rejection? Failure? Pride?

We get caught up in the lie that we are being too prideful if we boast (talk) about our accomplishments. Really? Isn’t playing small prideful as well? Yes, we can be very prideful in our ability to make ourselves small — I see it all the time in church. We get hung up on thinking that playing small pleases God. No it does not.

God did not create us to be small nor did He create us to fit in. We are created in HIS likeness in order to make a difference in this world. We cannot make a difference if we are playing down to nothing.

Making myself nothing so that other people can feel like everything is about manipulation and control. It’s about people pleasing and being liked.

Let go of the control.

Be who you were created to be and make a difference.

You can do it.

I believe in you.

Manic Monday: Making Courageous Choices

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“I’m not a control freak, I just want everyone to be happy. Oh, and like me. Yes, I definitely want people to like me.  Why? Because that’s the only way I can like myself.” — me

Oh yah, no control issues here. Eye rolling is allowed.

I may “waller in defeat” from time to time, as my friend Tonya would say, but I don’t stay there.

Nobody, I don’t care who they are, or how famous and together we might think they are, leads a charmed life.

Everyone has problems.

Everyone has choices.

That’s why I like the Full Circle link so much. Here’s a guy, who hit rock bottom 19 years ago doing a benefit ride for the very place he got sober. I think that’s cool. I think that takes courage.

What does courage look like to you?

  • Is it public speaking?
  • Skydiving?
  • Saying no when you really need to even if it means disappointing someone?
  • Or is it risking feeling selfish and realizing that the greatest gift we can give this world is to be the best us we can be?

One of my favorite devotional pages says :

March 26 in The Little Blue Book ONE DAY at a TIME in AL-ANON:

Why is it so hard to admit we are powerless over alcohol, as the First Step suggests we do? All of us have heard and shared in discussions at Al-Anon meetings as to whether this should be interpreted as “alcohol” or the “alcoholic.” We have no power over either one. No one can control the insidious effect of alcohol or its power to destroy the graces and decencies of life. No one can control the alcoholic’s compulsion to drink. But we do have a power, derived from God, and that is the power to change our own lives. Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation and then deciding what we will do about it.

TODAY’S REMINDER

Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change. If we accept a situation full of misery and uncertainty, it is no one’s fault but our own. We can do something about it!

“Fighting futility is just a waste of energy, Samantha. Either do something or quit fretting.” – Celebra Tueli

While this particular page refers to alcoholism and alcoholics it can be about so much more. It hurts watching people we love destroy their lives. What causes even greater pain is putting our lives on hold while we wait for everyone else to get it together.

It has taken me a long time to really believe that I am powerless over people, places, and things, meaning I cannot control people or make their choices for them. I cannot control how people see me, or whether or not they like me. Nor can I control the weather, or disease/disabilities. Shoot, I struggle with controlling myself, thinking I can control others is pure ego.

All I have is the power to make the best choices for me.

That’s really where courage begins. Finding the power to make the best choices for ourselves regardless of the choices our loved ones make. This includes our spouses, siblings, friends, and dare I say it adult children.

I’m a firm believer that the power to change can only come from believing in a God that’s bigger than me. For some of us, finding that God takes courage.

My wish today for you and for myself is that we stop right where we are at and know beyond knowing that we can make better choices today than the ones we made yesterday — and then go do it. 

Maybe for some of us, that choice is simply the acceptance of knowing the we are loved beyond measure  no matter what and acting on that belief.

What choices are you making today?

Chances Are I’m not the same and neither are you.

Deana4 Comments

 “Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.” – Maya Angelou

 Do you ever feel like no one notices that you’ve changed? We work really hard to overcome a bad habit, fear, impatience, anger, an addiction or whatever and we look around and expect people to notice that we are doing new things only no one does. They are still acting and reacting as if you are the old you. Do you ever get frustrated by that? I do. I know I shouldn’t. But I do.

I have a confession to make: I’m not always happy with my changes – no matter how wonderfully great and hard-earned they are – if no one notices. To be honest, I have a broken mirror. Whenever I look at someone and I notice they are seeing “me” from 20 years ago and not the me I am today, all my hard work crumbles and I begin to doubt that I’ve really changed at all.

When I get like that I need to remember three things. 1. I need to get over myself and 2. I have changed even if people don’t notice. 3. God notices and that is really all that matters.

20 years ago I was a fearful, sitting on my hands so that no one could see them shake, quiet (unless I was mad then I was eruptive), passive/aggressive, boy crazy, insecure, verge of tears mess most of the time. 20 years ago, I read tarot cards, believed in reincarnation, could drink 16 shots of tequila in one sitting and live to tell about it, smoked more than cigarettes, thought sitting in the pews at church was all I’d ever be allowed to do and didn’t trust a living soul if my life depended on it. 20 years ago I spent more time apologizing for being alive than I spent actually living.

Through God’s amazing and grace, His work in me and in part my commitment to that work, I am nowhere near that woman today and while I’m thankful, I still sometimes want people to really notice.

If you’ve been there then you know what I’m talking about. It stinks, doesn’t it? It’s not like we want a ticker tape parade or something, well sometimes I do but that’s another story. Mostly though we do want people to at least acknowledge that we’ve changed in a positive light, right? Change is hard. It takes work and commitment. Of course we want people to notice. What is the point of changing if no one notices?

I believe it is human nature to desire positive feedback and encouragement for all of our hard work. Having said that though, it isn’t always reality and that is okay.

We aren’t changing for them anyway, right?

Right.

I could write a book on all the things I’ve learned – and relearned – about change over the past 20 years. I’ll just leave you with four.

1. Change has to be for me.  If the only reason I am changing is to please someone else, the change won’t last.  If my only reward is approval rather than growth I’m striving for then I am left at the mercy of the whims and desires of others. I’m always off-balance and never whole. Real change starts from within and requires a trust in something outside of ourselves. A higher power. God. When I choose to change for another person than I’ve made them my God and that’s never good.

2. Some people don’t want me to change and they will resist the changes we make to ourselves. — There will be people who, for whatever reason, do not want you or me to change. They have a vested interest in our staying the same. We meet a need, whether it’s a healthy need or not doesn’t matter.  It could be as simple as they like to be in control and don’t like no longer being able to control us. OR more than likely when I change, I upset the status quo. My changing does sometimes require a change in them and they don’t want to change so they resist and try to pull us back into our old selves. Staying true to our path takes commitment.

3. People continue to see what they expect to see. – This is the most difficult one for me to accept. I’ve had to wrestle this one recently because I catch myself playing “Don’t you see? Look at me! Look at what I’m doing.” I catch myself feeling defeated when I hear someone talk about me as if I were still the old me. As long as I’m striving for the uncontrollable – another person’s thought process – I’ll always be striving and I’ll never have peace. Until they realize they need to update their view of me, they will always see what they want.

“If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free 

Now here’s the trick. We don’t need to be whiny or self-righteous about it. I’ve read stories and blogs by people who kind of react with a “I’ll just take my dolly and play with someone else then.” or “if you won’t stand by me through my failures then you can’t be with me during my success.”  kind of attitude and that isn’t what I’m striving for here. And yes I’ve read those. This isn’t about natural consequences for bad choices. This is more about letting go of people who hold us back to our old selves.  Which brings me to my last point –

4. Sometimes we have to find a new tribe. — This is especially true for those of us with addictions. Whether it is food, alcohol, drugs, co-dependency or whatever, we need to surround ourselves with like-minded people who are committed to change and growth. The only way to make room for the new is to let go of the old – in love –

 If your past reputation is really holding you back, you may just have to change your environment – Sometimes no matter what you do, you can’t shake your old reputation, and that prevents you from accessing the things you want (friends, respect, etc.). No matter how much you try to convince people you’re different, it falls on deaf ears and you keep getting the same poor results you always have. At times the right decision is to cut your losses and move on to a new environment, where the people you meet will be able to see you objectively. – CHRIS

This does not require some grand announcement loaded with self pity either. Keep changing, keep growing no matter what other people do or don’t do and find your tribe. It’s worth it. You are worth it.