“I’m not a control freak, I just want everyone to be happy. Oh, and like me. Yes, I definitely want people to like me. Why? Because that’s the only way I can like myself.” — me
Oh yah, no control issues here. Eye rolling is allowed.
I may “waller in defeat” from time to time, as my friend Tonya would say, but I don’t stay there.
Nobody, I don’t care who they are, or how famous and together we might think they are, leads a charmed life.
Everyone has problems.
Everyone has choices.
That’s why I like the Full Circle link so much. Here’s a guy, who hit rock bottom 19 years ago doing a benefit ride for the very place he got sober. I think that’s cool. I think that takes courage.
What does courage look like to you?
One of my favorite devotional pages says :
March 26 in The Little Blue Book ONE DAY at a TIME in AL-ANON:
Why is it so hard to admit we are powerless over alcohol, as the First Step suggests we do? All of us have heard and shared in discussions at Al-Anon meetings as to whether this should be interpreted as “alcohol” or the “alcoholic.” We have no power over either one. No one can control the insidious effect of alcohol or its power to destroy the graces and decencies of life. No one can control the alcoholic’s compulsion to drink. But we do have a power, derived from God, and that is the power to change our own lives. Acceptance does not mean submission to a degrading situation. It means accepting the fact of a situation and then deciding what we will do about it.
TODAY’S REMINDER
Progress begins when we stop trying to control the uncontrollable and when we go on to correct what we have the right to change. If we accept a situation full of misery and uncertainty, it is no one’s fault but our own. We can do something about it!
“Fighting futility is just a waste of energy, Samantha. Either do something or quit fretting.” – Celebra Tueli
While this particular page refers to alcoholism and alcoholics it can be about so much more. It hurts watching people we love destroy their lives. What causes even greater pain is putting our lives on hold while we wait for everyone else to get it together.
It has taken me a long time to really believe that I am powerless over people, places, and things, meaning I cannot control people or make their choices for them. I cannot control how people see me, or whether or not they like me. Nor can I control the weather, or disease/disabilities. Shoot, I struggle with controlling myself, thinking I can control others is pure ego.
All I have is the power to make the best choices for me.
That’s really where courage begins. Finding the power to make the best choices for ourselves regardless of the choices our loved ones make. This includes our spouses, siblings, friends, and dare I say it adult children.
I’m a firm believer that the power to change can only come from believing in a God that’s bigger than me. For some of us, finding that God takes courage.
My wish today for you and for myself is that we stop right where we are at and know beyond knowing that we can make better choices today than the ones we made yesterday — and then go do it.
Maybe for some of us, that choice is simply the acceptance of knowing the we are loved beyond measure no matter what and acting on that belief.
What choices are you making today?
People ride bikes for different reasons. Some like the fellowship. Some like being outdoors. Me? I want to live. It really is that simple.
Tiffany’s death last fall scared me. We’d grown up together back in Michigan. One day she was Facebooking about the most recent cuteness of her 5-year-old son and the next day she was gone. pulmonary Embolism. That’s not fair.
My mother is 71 and is dying from COPD. She has suffered from severe depression on and off for most of my life and hasn’t had a drink since Aug 12, 1977. I would do anything for her, we even offered to buy her a house so she could live near us and she turned me down. Her depression keeps her from truly seeing and receiving love and some days it’s hard. She has convinced herself she would be miserable here and that she would die within six months if she moved. I have no choice but to let her live her end of life as she sees best.
While I spent roughly 30 years in Alanon, Mom doesn’t have a recovery program and I wish she did. Maybe that’s why I like Anne Lammot so much. She and my mother are a lot alike, only Anne chose a different path. I get jealous sometimes when I read her books. I still read them because I hope they can help me find my path and stop trying to live everyone else’s.
Don’t even ask about my Dad. I feel responsible for him as well.
I started having chest pains last summer and was sent to a cardiologist. When the tests came back perfect (except for a slight murmur) we assessed that perhaps my issues were more on the emotional bend rather than physical. I finally fessed up to some of the stress I was feeling and told her what was on my plate. Her response was a very simple statement. “I’d smoke too.”
Not the answer I was looking for, but she was right Codependency can kill.
I’m one of those people who puts off dealing with things until I can get away from people for a few days and have a private melt down. Then I pull up my bootstraps and carry on as the song goes. I didn’t get to do that last summer. August was full of commitments and I kept telling myself that this would have to wait. I could cope for a while, I’ll deal with it later. As if later will somehow take the sting away.
I should have known I was in trouble when I went in for my annual check up. If my doctor had been any nicer I would have burst into tears on the spot. It’s hard to handle kindness when we aren’t being very kind to ourselves. I had a very difficult time hearing his kindness over the voices in my head and my own woundedness screaming “What do you want from me!”
A middle of the night trip to the ER with stomach pain that made childbirth feel like a paper cut and chest pains that made me throw up scared me enough to change.
I can’t fix the people I love. I can’t make their choices for them, nor do I need to make myself responsible for their choices. The serenity prayer tells me to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and find the wisdom to know the difference.
Instead of buying a house for my Mom, I bought a bike for myself. That’s a good step in the right direction.
Instead of reading blogs on fixing other people, I read blogs written by people who are after the same things I am; Healthy living. Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically. The link below is one such writer. He’s a recovering alcoholic and is open about it. He rides to live, just like I do. I hope it inspires you as much as it does me. Click on the link to read his story. Full Circle….
If nothing changes, nothing changes. Let it begin with me.
Ride.
Live.
While at the movies yesterday we saw the poster for The Avengers.
I told my husband I really want to see that movie.
He looked at the poster, and then asked why I wanted to see it.
I said “The story line of course. “
He smiled and said
“That’s like a man saying he reads playboy just for the articles. Just sayin.”
Great advice from a comic friend — “Honey if you don’t have people you can tell the truth to, your safe circle is too small.” – We all need people in our lives with whom we can be just ourselves. People we can tell the truth to and people who will tell us the truth in return. We need to cherish those relationships.
I really don’t have more to add to that right now. I think it’s enough.
Cherish your inner circle.
Create one if you must.
And then protect it with everything you have.
Where are you in life right now? Are you Fully Alive or semi-conscious? Or are you where I was nine years ago – mostly dead?
Some of you may wonder, what in heaven’s name would prompt a 46-year-old women to start riding a bicycle, do stand up, audition for movies, and write a book. That’s easy. It isn’t a midlife crisis.
These changes in my life are brought to you by Grief. Failure. and Grace.
Never in my wildest imagination did I think God would have more in store for me than PTA, Bible Study and Carpool. There was a time when my life could be described as super busy and super disconnected, whether I wanted to admit that or not. Fortunately for me, I’ve met wonderful people over the last nine years – Ken Davis is such a person.
I wanted to learn how the be a better teacher and speaker. Pursuant to those goals, I signed up for Ken’s classes on communication and performance management. Through his stories, blogs, and classes he has shared this journey to becoming Fully Alive with all of us, step by step and mile by mile. I received far more than I bargained for when I went to his seminars.
Before she passed away last fall, my friend Tiffany used to say that between her anxiety and control issues, she was pretty much a hot mess of crazy. I can relate. Hanging with comedians has changed me in great ways. Instead of just learning a craft, I’m learning how to lighten up and live Fully Alive. I owe these men and women a lot.
Fully Alive is Ken’s newest comedy DVD. This is a movie you can watch with your friends and family. It is hilarious, inspirational, life changing and not to be missed by anyone.
Edited: April , 2012 – while the Movie Fully Alive was a special showing only on March 22 and 23 – see kendavis.com to find out more about this wonderful DVD.
One of my biggest fears is having my children grow up, move out and leave me behind. Marriage and parenting can take our all, every day, every week, every year. And then poof, just like that it seems they are grown, gone and testing their wings.
What then?
A lot of women fall apart at this stage in life. So do a lot of marriages.
I made a choice a few years ago. I do not want those things happening to me. I do not want to wake up six months from now without a clue of who I am. Or worse yet – I do not want to wake up six months from now, look at my husband and think “who are you and what are you doing in my bed?”
Just like weening a baby off the breast, I have to ween myself off the “mom roll” and come back to the woman.
It’s not easy to do. Actually it is very painful at times.
It takes soul-searching work, bravery, and conviction.
There is a fun side to testing my own wings and seeing what I’m made of beneath the sweat suit and pony-tail.
One of the fun things is watching this movie trailer and seeing myself in the crowd scenes during the trick riding. – I even got paid to be there when they filmed last summer.
A release date has not yet been set, but I can’t wait to go see it.
Life doesn’t have to end when our kids grow up. We can begin to prepare by getting to know that woman in the mirror again today.
Take some time and get to know her, who knows maybe she’ll surprise you.
Love you guys!
No sweat…just send me your best cash love offering and we’ll call it all good. – the dude I insulted last weekend after I apologized. (see Medusa Face)
I think his response is hilarious – and frankly God’s way of telling me to lighten up just a scoshe and breathe. It took about 48 hours for him to see my apology and respond to it. The dude is not on twitter that much. I died a million deaths in those 48 hours let me tell you.
Honestly, I stink at receiving forgiveness. If I were to walk this out, I’d take him at his word and then avoid him for the rest of my life. Which is self-defeating really, but again. it’s how I roll sometimes even with God. I have a lot to learn. If you want to know more about that see Can You Give Me Three Days?
I’m not different from any of you. We all need forgiveness even if we aren’t willing to admit it. I have this hole inside of me sometimes that craves to be filled and rather than receive the right things, like forgiveness, I’ll fill it with fear and overachieving perfectionism and call it good even if it isn’t.
My abandonment issues can be so bad that I catch myself jumping up and down causing great internal injuries just to prove I’m loveable. It’s annoying at times I’m sure. Failure and Forgiveness are not part of my family tree. Not only do we never admit fault when we can blame someone else, we never forgive others even if they do try to make amends. Forgiveness has always been that carrot we hold out to each other while we make the other person jump through hoops to “earn it.” not that they ever do of course.
It took me years to unlearn those teachings.
While I’ve learned the difference between I’m sorry and I was wrong and how to forgive others who are asking for forgiveness, I’ve yet to fully learn how to receive forgiveness in the right spirit. I don’t trust it really. I’d much rather buy my way out of a bad deal than receive grace any day. Which is why I thought his response is so funny.
I noticed a lot of you (over 1,000) found my blog this last week looking for how to say I’m Sorry and Letting Go. No one came to my blog this week looking for forgiveness per se, but that’s really what they were looking for when they searched “I’m sorry.”
Something interesting happened this week. My elder pulled me aside after our Sunday School class and asked if I’d teach on Luke 21. The whole chapter. We are on 19 right now and I’d have roughly two weeks to prepare. I immediately said yes, and then excused myself to throw up.
Yep, that’s how I roll. I say yes to God and spend as much time praying to the porcelain god as I do the real one. Hope that doesn’t offend, I’m just trying to keep it real.
I’ve taught before. I’ve spoken a lot of places, acted in some movies and have done stand up and yet again I’m giving God my list of “why I can nots” and He tells me “Just read it will ya?” The very first paragraph caught me right between the eyes.
1 As Jesus looked up, he saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. 2 He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. 3 “Truly I tell you,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. 4 All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”
All of my reasons of why I can’t, courtesy of the evil committee that lives rent free in my head.
1. I’m not good enough – did you not see what I did to that man? A stranger yet!
2. He hasn’t even forgiven me.
3. What if I’m not forgivable?
4. Why are you wasting your time on me?
5. I’m a neurotic mess, isn’t there someone more qualified?
The God I worship for whatever reason doesn’t seem to want someone who can give out of the wealth of their gifts. He sees my two copper coins for what they are – and calls it beautiful. My poverty: My sinful nature, my pride, my fears, my needs for forgiveness even when I don’t know how to receive it yet, my ego, my low self esteem, my neurosis and bad attitude, my warped sense of humor and my willingness to be humble – all of it matters to him.
I have no confidence (as the world would define confidence) in my own gifts and / or abilities, but I am in confident in this – “Being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1: 6 (NIV) –
And I have confidence in knowing that He will indeed bring people into my life who continue to model true forgiveness and that I will eventually find peace that lasts .
Now, if you think that God would just leave me here – you would be wrong. Click on the photo below to hear His answer to my doubts. Thanks!
I am 22 when my boyfriend decides to dump with the classic line of “It’s not me, it’s you.”
I am crushed.
Inconsolable even.
Drunk on Hagen Daz ice cream and dreams of what could have been (AKA self-pity in over drive), I am a horrible mess. In a moment of what I can only call pure desperation, I reach for my Bible and start talking to God.
He Dumped me! Can you believe he dumped me? I’ll never get married. My life is ruined. What am I going to do God?
Flip, Flip, Point.
I looked down to see where my finger had landed.
“Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” (Matthew 4:19 for you purists)
Fishers of Men? Really God?I’m in! Yeah!
I put down my bible drive to the mall and buy myself the BEST fishing wardrobe minimum wage can buy. You know, little black dress, red lipstick and fish net stockings. Shortly after that I pack up my little bag of sorrows, leave Redford and moved to Chicago where I spend the next few years participating in the catch-and-release program.
Not to be confused with the prison release program, which is something entirely different.
Okay, if I’m counting the guy I met in front of the Sears Tower that one Spring, not really.
But there you are.
One day I meet this really cute guy at work who gets me to go out with him by hawking the fact he plays guitar in a rock band. We’d only gone out a couple of times when he calls to tell me he wants to take me to church on our next date.
I thought he was speaking figuratively and dressed accordingly.
Do you know he took me to church?
For real?
Wow, am I popular. I even meet the woman’s auxiliary. They call themselves “The Church Basement Ladies.” I am not making that up. I ask them what they do and they tell me they mostly sew quilts and cook supper for Jesus.
Now I was not raised in the church but even I know it’s been at least 2,000 years since Jesus walked the earth so either these ladies were pulling my leg, or they’ve held up remarkably well.
Best,
Deana
“If you are bored with life, if you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don’t have enough goals.” Lou Holtz
My husband surprised me this weekend by emptying the spare bedroom where he keeps all of his music gear. Once the room was empty he ripped out the carpet and laid new flooring. This will be my new office / art studio and the front living room will be our new music room; complete with french doors and eventually a baby grand piano.
For those of you who don’t know, J-man is a VP for a national telecommunications company by day and a musician by night. In other words, he’s an artist who can afford to eat.
Depending on who you are and where you are in your life this may or may not be a big deal. It’s a big deal to me though. I left Corporate America back in the 90’s to raise a family. That was a huge life change for all of us. I was raised to have a career, not raise a family. While that choice meant great sacrifice for all of us, being there for our kids while they grew up made the sacrifice worth it. This sacrifice also allowed him the freedom – and motivation – to pursue his career and take it as far as he is able. He works amazingly hard and does well, and I’m very happy for him.
Contrary to some people’s belief that I am “basically retired and living a life of leisure,” I consider being a stay home mom a full-time commitment and a job in itself. I am by no stretch a Martha Stewart. There are many women who do far better at this domestic goddess role than I. This explains why even as a Mommy Blogger I rarely wrote about domestic things. So not my forte’.
On top of being a SAHM, I’ve spent the last 14 years volunteering throughout the community and in school, as well as continuing my education. I even held a few part-time positions when certain financial needs arose. Our oldest is a junior in college and our youngest is a senior in high school. They are wonderful well-adjusted young men and I am proud of them both. While I realize this isn’t the choice for everyone, we as a couple, made the right choice for our family.
This season is coming to an end and it is time to look forward to a new beginning.
With corporate a distant memory, I’ve chosen to gather together the things I do well such as speaking, writing, and art and start my own company. Jeff bought me a laptop three years ago and I’ve been a writing vagabond ever since. I take my computer with me where ever I go. This has been wonderful so far but is also constraining. I need my own space to breathe, write, and create.
Even if he is getting another room down stairs, giving me his music room is no small feat. This is a tangible act of love and faith. Being married to a man who not only believes in me, but follows up on that belief with action is priceless.
Deana O'Hara - Speaker, Comedian, Writer 