Make Your Own Sunshine

September 16, 2015September 16, 2015 Deana2 Comments

“Rather than trying to steal someone else’s sunshine, we should go and find our own.”

I’ve seen this cartoon make it’s rounds on Facebook more than once. I love it.

I don’t believe in looking for happiness in someone else’s family. It isn’t there. If they’ll cheat with you, they will cheat on you 9 times out of 10. I’m sure someone out there can tell me they are the exception – that’s great. Me? I could never trust anyone who cheated.

I have a lot of male friends whom I trust and adore. And yes, I’m the kind of woman who will fly off the porch to hug a man I care about and think nothing of it. The men that have that level of spontaneity with me have earned that trust, are tried and true, and are friends with both my husband and myself.

What I am not, is the kind of woman who will allow a married man to tell me that I am “the only one he can talk to, the only one he can trust. He needs me.” That happened to me years ago — he was my boss’s boss and it took me a long time to get over the absolute betrayal I felt.

It took me even longer than that to get over the need that people believe it really happened. He’s kind of a high profile, everyone loves him, he’s just misunderstood, kind of guy. I think he’s a jerk. Today, I’m comfortable with the fact that I did almost everything right (I still think I should have dropped him where he stood, but you know.) I told on him and I walked away permanently and that is all that matters.

His actions, choices and lies cost me a career I thought I really wanted. It made me weird and very distrusting of men for a long time. I put new men in my life after that through all kinds of hoops and tricks. I wish I could take all of that back, but healing is a process I needed to go through.

Today I have a wonderful career that I am thrilled with, and I once again allow men to get close without having to dodge daggers along the way.

If you are a man who happened to meet me during my dagger years, I am so sorry. If you are still speaking to me – or reading my blog, thank you for your patience and grace.

Having said that I am also not above ending friendships with the opposite sex if I feel the friendship has become a threat to either of our marriages. It’s just how I roll. It’s how I was raised.

I will also end friendships with women whom I feel are becoming a threat to my marriage as well. Not that my husband would look – but the fact that they try so hard anyway gets them a one way ticket out of my life.

Permanently.

That has more to do with my self-worth than it does any kind of insecurity. I place deep value in my female friendships. Mutual respect, love and trust are vital.

Mutual respect, love and trust are vital in marriage as well.

I love and trust my husband.

He loves and trusts me.

I am blessed.

There is no room in our lives for anyone who would look to steal our sunshine.

I’ve seen too many friends look for happiness elsewhere. Married or single. The damage done to their families and friendships is astronomical and it’s painful watching them walk out the consequences of their choices.

My Anniversary Gift

September 15, 2015September 15, 2015 Deana2 Comments

I am sorry that I haven’t been around the blogosphere much these last few months. I’ve been living in New York taking care of my mother. She passed on August 19 (The day after my anniversary). To be honest, my emotions are raw and all over the place which is why I haven’t been writing.

I run the gamut of relief, grief, anger and acceptance all in an hour’s time.

I’ll write more once my heart settles down and I can once again assemble clear, intelligent thought. You deserve my best. I’ll get there again. I promise.

My summer hasn’t been all crazy. There have been many good moments. Like this for instance.

Hubs got me a new, custom-made Bishline Banjo for our 25th wedding anniversary. The arm rest says, “Breathe Darlin’ ” (something an old friend used to say to me when my shoulders were in my ears and my anxiety was readily apparent) and the head-stock reads “Hippie Chick” a nickname given to me by the lead guitar player from Korn when I played the Funny Bone this Spring.

I am not making that up you guys. I shared a stage with Thaddeous Challis from Korn last Spring and he dubbed me “The Hippie Chick.” that was so freakin cool that I still want to pinch myself. My son thinks I’m a rock star now and wants an autograph. HA!

of HIM, not me. Just to be clear.

Granted, Hippie Chick doesn’t exactly fit (I’m a little too naive for that name) but I like it and I’ll take it.

This banjo is an open back model and is designed specifically for Claw-hammer style banjo which is something I’m trying to teach myself and is also what Rob is playing in this video.

Check out the video to see what it sounds like. It has a bright, clear, and happy sound and is exceptionally made. I met Rob almost three years ago when my then banjo teacher invited me out to hear “a real banjo player play,” as he put it.

Rob is local to Tulsa and is not only a gifted musician, he’s a well gifted Luthier as well. I’ve wanted a Bishline Custom banjo for almost three years. I’m thrilled to add this beautiful instrument to my collection. The action is low and perfect for my smallish stature. It’ll take some time to readjust the muscle memory. My Recording King had wider frets and a longer neck. I keep missing the chords but I’m getting there.

This is officially my favorite banjo in my collection.

Even more fun, I bought my guitar playing husband a Madera (Also made by Rob). It’s a banjo that looks like a guitar. Rob called us “This really cool dead head couple” — HA! Again with the not quite right nick names, but then again, I DID have him put a wheel of roses and a dancing bear on my hubs Madera, so you know.

Guitar man and I do play together on our front porch as time allows. What takes me months to learn, he picks up by ear. I’m okay with that really. Playing together is pure joy.

Take care my sweet friends.

Live today and love well.

Blossoming into Science with Mayim Bailik (wow, just wow)

September 14, 2015 DeanaLeave a comment

I used to watch Blossom with my kids, and frankly Amy Fowler is one of my favorite characters on Big Bang Theory. I had no idea they were the same woman. I love this. Women Rock.

When holding a hand is the only thing holding you together

August 13, 2015August 13, 2015 Deana1 Comment

I have no idea who Jim Elliot is. Frankly, I was googling Ram Dass Oh well, I like this quote.

“Wherever you are, be there.”

I’ve been HERE for 9 weeks and some days, I’d give anything to be anywhere else.

On stage.

Home.

In bed.

Anywhere but in the craziness that is, walking someone home.

FYI, all whiskey does is make the here more pronounced.

That was disappointing.

Tonight, I just held her hand while she slept. Tonight was peaceful, and scary and sad all wrapped into one.

I leave in three days to go home for just two weeks. The time apart is already tugging at my heart strings.

We’ve been through so much in the last nine weeks. Words too many to count. Arguments with family members. Cleaning house both literally and emotionally. Laughter and tears. Three trips to the emergency room. Three times she almost died. Last rites, prayers, offerings, recovery, rehab, home health nurses, Breathing machines, back to the hospital and now a nursing home.

I lost my driver’s licence in the bottom of a dumpster, had my credit card lifted (got a new one) and today, I lost my cell phone somewhere between the hospital and her house.

No rock has been unturned, no words have been left unsaid.

Except Goodbye. We haven’t said that yet. Not really anyway.

Will she still be alive when I get back?

Doc says yes.

The nurses say yes.

She, is not so sure.

She’s fought the good fight.

She’s tired and wants to go home.

I can’t say as I blame her.

I’ve found myself longing for deep intelligent conversation, with anyone really about anything other than life and dying, but I haven’t the words. I’ve tried and they come out as jumbled as my insides.

There are people who’ve made the here better.

A step sister and husband who came to help.

Cousins who surprised me with their compassion and caring and physical help when needed.

A husband who took a week off just to be here with me.

Theo, the home health nurse who tried her darndest to make mom’s return home successful.

John who delivered her hospital bed and took the time to explain how everything worked, only to pick everything back up just a little over a week later and told me to “I am so sorry, hang in there kiddo.”

Cards from friends at home.

Little things really

Kindness and compassion from friends, family and strangers who aren’t afraid of the here.

It’s just enough to fill a weary heart.

So, I sit and I hold her hand while she sleeps.

It’s all I can do.

And for now, it’s enough for both of us.

You Will Make Broken Look Beautiful

July 29, 2015July 29, 2015 Deana1 Comment

I read a great quote not that long ago, credited to only Ariana. I can’t find anything on her. It was simply,

“She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like angel’s wings.”

Loved it, so I decided to speak that over my younger self.

Weird?

Yeah, probably.

But then, I’ve never been accused of being normal.

I found this old photo of me, taken when I was probably 19 and in the throws of bulimia. I had no idea. – I know John Hughes would have loved me as a teen. But he had Molly already and there was no need for two of us.

I had this friend once who, when I was anxious and fearful would say “Breathe Darlin’ ” and I’d take a deep breath and calm down. We aren’t friends anymore. Life does that sometimes, but I never forgot that phrase.

So when life throws you for a loop

and it will

remember that even though it feels like you are carrying the universe on your shoulders, you make it look like angel’s wings. Just don’t forget to breathe.

Love,

Your Oklahoma Hippie Chick.

Family First

July 26, 2015July 26, 2015 DeanaLeave a comment

It does not matter how carefully we plan and dream, life is full of left turns and surprises.

I had my summer all planned out.

A book to write.

Classes to finish.

Blogs to write.

Parties to go to.

Gigs that made me thrilled with excitement.

And then life happened and I had to choose.

Six weeks ago I received a call that a family member was in the hospital and they were never coming home.

I caught the next flight out and canceled everything on my calendar to be with them.

I’d do it again in a heart beat.

Now the good news is, they ARE coming home very soon. And for that I’m thrilled.

The past six weeks were full of twists and turns and white knuckle dives as we watched this family member come to the brink of death and back again.

They are a fighter.

So if you’ve wondered where I’ve been. I’ve been at the bedside of someone near and dear to me.

It was the right choice.

I hope you understand.

Music Monday: Everything Good by the Gaither Vocal Band

June 7, 2015June 7, 2015 DeanaLeave a comment

My mentor gave me this CD when it came out in 2002 and had me journal about this song. By writing the words and journaling about them, I learned that I am not a victim of my emotions, thoughts and circumstances. I get to choose what I dwell on. I set the tone for the day by choosing to dwell on what is negative or what is positive.

The choice is mine and I’ve learned that what I choose to feed with my attention grows.

Don’t feed negative thoughts. — I have a friend who calls that emotional cutting – where we cut ourselves with our words and thoughts. I’ve asked her to guest post on that later. For now though, I’d like you to listen to this song and journal about it. Write the lyrics down, study what they mean to you and apply this to your day.

I promise you things will start looking up if you take control of your thoughts and what you dwell on.

Have a great Monday y’all.

1,000 down, 9,000 to go.

May 10, 2015May 10, 2015 Deana1 Comment

“To become a chess grand-master also seems to take about ten years. (Only the legendary Bobby Fischer got to that elite level in less than that amount of time: it took him nine years.) And what’s ten years? Well, it’s roughly how long it takes to put in ten thousand hours of hard practice. Ten thousand hours is the magic number of greatness.” Malcolm Gladwell

I’ve been practicing banjo for roughly 1,000 hours, give or take, according to my practice log anyway. According to Malcom Gladwell, I only 9,000 more hours to go before mastering this.

Granted that does not count the 5 minutes here and there when I do a grab and go throughout the day or evening for that matter.

Mathematically speaking, I’m behind on the ten year thing and you know what, I’m okay with that. I’m getting better, I’m having fun and that’s all that matters. I did temporarily allow the fact that I travel too much to commit to lessons to send me into a bit of a funk, and I got over it. I had to if I wanted to play well. And I do want to play well.

I practice during the day when no one is home, or late at night when I can’t sleep. It all counts.

Lack of live lessons is no longer an excuse in today’s world. We have Youtube! Can’t join in on a live jam, find videos you like and play along. I’m practicing back up right now and videos are perfect for that. I choose songs I already know the chord structure to, grab my banjo, fire up my computer and play along. It’s really that simple and the upside, if I screw up and have to start over again — nobody knows. I might be developing a bad habit with that (can’t start over in live jams, you just keep playing), and for now that is okay. The other upside to this approach is I can play a small section over and over again until I’m happy with it.

I even found a way to get around the travel excuse, I bought a second hand banjo and shipped it ahead. I’ll take it out at night sometimes and sit on the back porch and quietly practice my chords formations and rolls.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

Find yours.

Friday Funny: He names his guitars

April 10, 2015 DeanaLeave a comment

I’ve been married to a musician for 25 years. That takes Groupie to level crazy chic right there. I wouldn’t trade it for the world even if our life does have it’s quirks. He’s awesome. For some strange reason, this joke scared my husband. Can’t imagine why.