Move over Robert Downey Junior. Sherlock Holmes and Iron Man, might look cool on the big screen but they pale in real life, they are after all, fictitious characters. While I joke a lot about my crush on Robert Downey Junior, I also know my hubs has the same kinda crush on Meg Ryan. I’ve known this since we met. No worries. We’re cool with that and comfortable enough with each other (and ourselves) to own it out loud if we think someone is hot.
But seriously — I actually think my husband is hotter than Robert Downey Jr.
For starters he’s a lead guitar player in a band – with a respectable day job. So he’s an artist who eats.
He’s a brilliant business man.
He’s a poet/songwriter.
He can cook.
He’s a great dad.
He gives back to the community without needing his name in the paper. — LOVE that.
He can tear up the water on a tube.
He’s an avid fisherman and a good one.
An excellent soccer coach back when he coached.
He likes U2 almost as much as I do. Almost.
He’s got a wicked sense of humor and is a great source of inspiration for a lot of my stories and jokes.
And when I tried to go blonde to surprise him last winter, he tried really hard not to laugh when the results weren’t quite what I expected. (Think atomic carrot with flames. yes it was that bad.)
We are polar opposites as well. He’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert. He likes classic rock, I like country. I love to travel, he’d rather just fish. He’s a White Sox Fan and I love the Cubs. He likes action flicks, I like romantic comedies. And yet it works.
This is the man I get to date again after 21 years of raising kids. I’m kinda diggin that if you really want to know.
If you are married, I highly suggest dating your mate.
A New Beginning. It still needs paint and such, but what a great start.
“If you are bored with life, if you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don’t have enough goals.” Lou Holtz
My husband surprised me this weekend by emptying the spare bedroom where he keeps all of his music gear. Once the room was empty he ripped out the carpet and laid new flooring. This will be my new office / art studio and the front living room will be our new music room; complete with french doors and eventually a baby grand piano.
For those of you who don’t know, J-man is a VP for a national telecommunications company by day and a musician by night. In other words, he’s an artist who can afford to eat.
Depending on who you are and where you are in your life this may or may not be a big deal. It’s a big deal to me though. I left Corporate America back in the 90’s to raise a family. That was a huge life change for all of us. I was raised to have a career, not raise a family. While that choice meant great sacrifice for all of us, being there for our kids while they grew up made the sacrifice worth it. This sacrifice also allowed him the freedom – and motivation – to pursue his career and take it as far as he is able. He works amazingly hard and does well, and I’m very happy for him.
Contrary to some people’s belief that I am “basically retired and living a life of leisure,” I consider being a stay home mom a full-time commitment and a job in itself. I am by no stretch a Martha Stewart. There are many women who do far better at this domestic goddess role than I. This explains why even as a Mommy Blogger I rarely wrote about domestic things. So not my forte’.
On top of being a SAHM, I’ve spent the last 14 years volunteering throughout the community and in school, as well as continuing my education. I even held a few part-time positions when certain financial needs arose. Our oldest is a junior in college and our youngest is a senior in high school. They are wonderful well-adjusted young men and I am proud of them both. While I realize this isn’t the choice for everyone, we as a couple, made the right choice for our family.
This season is coming to an end and it is time to look forward to a new beginning.
With corporate a distant memory, I’ve chosen to gather together the things I do well such as speaking, writing, and art and start my own company. Jeff bought me a laptop three years ago and I’ve been a writing vagabond ever since. I take my computer with me where ever I go. This has been wonderful so far but is also constraining. I need my own space to breathe, write, and create.
Even if he is getting another room down stairs, giving me his music room is no small feat. This is a tangible act of love and faith. Being married to a man who not only believes in me, but follows up on that belief with action is priceless.
This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved.
My brain, and heart have been running circles around my need to have it all planned out center since New Year’s Eve and I’m really not sure what I think about it much less how I feel. Someone created a stir in me that took a few days to settle into. The question is simple – Can you remain a stay home wife even after the kids are gone – do comedy sure, but still be a home maker? The thought had never crossed my mind.
To be fair I’ve learned that I am also gifted at creating stirs among women. It’s easy to do, just say things like:
“It’s a lie to believe you must have a career outside of your home to feel fulfilled.” – (Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets them Free. – Nancy Leigh DeMoss.) I stepped into a nest that night without meaning to.
“If you knew the truth about submission you’d see that submitting to your husband isn’t a curse, it’s liberating.” (Liberated Through Submission – P. Bunny Wilson) – I call this the no competition clause. He competes at work all day long, and he really doesn’t want to come home and compete with us. Now, under no circumstances does this mean if he want’s to burn the house down and claim the insurance money we blindly go along – there are limits. _ this subject is wildly misunderstood and goes far deeper than I am going to today.
And my most recent stir:
“I live in my husband’s house. I like the safety in that. You have to be married to a good man in order to say that, and thankfully I am. I have also learned that if you are a woman married to a good man and you still say ‘this is my house and he’s lucky to live here.’ what you are really communicating is that you are afraid to allow yourself to be fully loved.” – Deana O’Hara
The men all clicked “like.” Several women responded to ask if I’d been drinking. And when I stated that I was working on a series of article regarding “Whose house is it anyway?”, my husband jokingly asked if I was writing fiction. I can still remember the time a friend of mine taught a women’s study at church on The Submitted Wife and the Committed Husband – That created a stir; not among the younger women but by the older. What a hoot. Still, they said the same thing I am — you must have a GOOD man in order for this to work. Without that? It’s a moot point.
There was a time when I would have laughed out loud at all of those statements myself. And that’s why I avoid writing or speaking about this kind of stuff. I’ve dated emotionally void and abusive men and it was horrible. I don’t know what kind of man anyone is married to, and I don’t ever want to lead someone down the wrong path. Time and again, I hear stories of women married to abusers, alcoholics, addicts and who hear this type of advice and think they are called to submit to that – and no they aren’t.
Those women aside, where does that leave the rest of us? Let’s face it – there is a reason all of these things create stirs. They get under our skin and it feels like someone is trying to take one more thing away from us. Sometimes I believe that is true. Personally, I disagree with Concordia College’s stand that a women shall not be president. Not only does it violate Ephesians 22, in its fullest context, I believe in equality in the workplace and if you are going to employ women then they should have the same career opportunities as men. That’s actually federal law – unless you are a private university, which Concordia is. They are welcome to have those rules so long as they understand that as a woman, I am welcome to spend my money elsewhere.
Mostly though I don’t believe society is out to take anything away from women even if some individuals might try. I don’t believe that women are as historically victimized as we’d like to believe either. We’re empowered in many ways today. Ask any man who has ever tried to win an argument with us, it can’t be done.
The feminist movement did great things for women I’m not denying that. One of the things it did do is give women choices. We can choose to pursue careers and be successful, and we can choose to stay home and manage the house and family and be just as successful.
I shared with a friend on New Years that I was planning on going back to work as a nurse once my youngest graduates. She looked at me very shocked and asked “why on earth do you want to do something like that?” I told her it was because I was bored out of my mind. Which I can be. She then went on to paint a picture that I had temporarily forgotten. I get to stay home and raise my family, play in my gardens, travel, see friends, cook real meals that aren’t hurry up and go, make a difference in the community, do stand up, and be loved. I’m blessed beyond measure when I remember that. Not a bad choice.
I was not raised to be a stay home wife. I was raised to have a career and support myself and trust no man to take care of me. Making different choices was hard and fearful. Even so, I’m glad I followed my heart. What I haven’t figured out is how to write about these things that I’ve learned without sounding pious, or smug and without being codependant and sexist because these things – when properly thought through are none of those.
So, that is where my mind has been at since New Years. Is it okay to say I live in my husband’s house and I’m happy with that for me? Can I even begin to write about this and adequately cover all of the facets involved, because there are many to consider.
I’m curious – what statements have you heard over your life time that made your hair stand up? Did you change your mind about them? Let’s Talk About it.
Rumor has it, great romances involve planning. Every good relationship book will tell you that you have to plan for time together in order to keep romance in marriage alive and well. What every good relationship book does not tell you is there is a right way, and a wrong way for such planning.
Movies make it look easy. All a woman has to do is show up in his office for a surprise lunch wearing nothing but a fur coat, that sort of thing. The real world? If I did that, my coat would get stuck in the elevator and I’d wind up on his floor with just my shoes. Oh yeah, he’d be surprised alright. Along with the rest of his staff.
Still, I want adventure and I like doing fun things for my husband, but…
I tried to get creative once. It didn’t work.
I found his blackberry one night and decided to write on his calendar. I picked a random date out in the future and posted a lunch meeting for him to “go home and ravish wife.” AKA me.
Did you know that a Corporate issued Blackberry syncs up with corporate calendars?
Me neither.
And apparently, corporate secretaries have access to corporate calendars.
Husbands do not like getting phone calls from their secretary saying “Mr Robinson wants to schedule a lunch meeting with you for Tuesday, but it says here you are supposed to be ravishing your wife at that time. Should I reschedule that appointment or move Mr Robinson to a different date?”
I love date night. It’s an excuse to dress up and be adults and try to be interesting again. It also beats walking around in sweats with my hair pulled back in pony tail. Which, sadly very easily becomes my stay-home-wife costume most days. I get in slumps where I know I’m not going anywhere important and I get lazy. I’m very female, I love to be pursued by man – in every sense of the word. Even on the days when I am pushing his hands away and telling him “not now” I really love it. I need date nights.
While spontaneous dates can be fun, I prefer the planned ahead kind. I like knowing it’s on the calendar, that he’s planned it out and all I have to do is get dolled up – for him – and be ready to go out when he gets home. Jeff told me on Monday that he wanted to go out on Thursday and I had all week to plan and look ahead. I love the anticipation. We wound up going to one of my favorite restaurant in Utica Square and went to a new wine bar after that. The whole night was planned and I didn’t have to do a thing — PERFECT!
Relationship books will tell you that it is important to schedule dates and even sex, otherwise things like that get left to the way side of marriage, kids, and jobs. I wholeheartedly agree, while spontaneity has its perks, planning can be a lot fun.
Several years ago, I decided to be cute with my hubby’s blackberry. This little gem contains the life, the universe, and everything and has a nifty calendar feature. I started simply enough, posting important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, school plays and then I put things like “send your wife flowers today.” Then for fun, I added a little something extra — I picked a random date that was open and entered a lunch date in which he was to “go home and ravish wife.” In other words, I scheduled a sex date for the middle of the day just for fun.
I overlooked one small item. Corporate issued cell phones sync to corporate view calendars. Every day my husband plugged his blackberry into his computer to upload his calendar. Imagine his surprise when his secretary called him to say that she was trying to schedule a meeting for him but he had a conflict. When he asked her what kind of conflict she hesitated and then giggled.
“Uh, it says here that you have a lunch date to go home and ravish your wife. Should I move that out or do you want me to deny this other meeting?”
I no longer have access to his cell phone.
So tell me, what is the funniest thing you have done with your husband or significant other in trying to be romantic?
I grew up in a divorced home. My husband grew up with parents who stayed together, for better and for worse, for over 50 years. He and I bring very diverse sets of luggage to our home. As a result of that, I love reading books on marriage. I love reading books period. And I love projects. Granted, when it comes to projects, I am a great starter and a not so great finisher. I love to dream, and plan, and think about ad infi nauseum… do you catch my drift? As easily as I jump into a project, I get easily bored.
This book is different. Kathi has written a book on marriage that speaks to my heart. It is simple, easy to follow, organized and very conversational. I especially like the whole “love and laughter” aspect of it all because when laughter leaves your home, everything else follows. Good marriages, healthy marriages are not happenstance, they are intentional and that is the message throughout her book.
This is my first introduction to author Kathi Lipp, and after just the first few chapters I found myself thinking, “Now this is a woman I’d love to hang with.” She is humorous, transparent, wears her heart on her sleeve, and she is insightful. Kathi’s non judgemental and transparent writing style makes her very easy to relate to. Kathi simply writes from the heart.
The Marriage Project, is a book intended to be worked through as a couple and while I originally agreed to participate in this as a couple prior to writing my review, our life did not fully cooperate. My mother in law recetnly passed the best thing I can do right now is love and support my husband and save the book for us to work through at a later time.
I know that in the future we will be able to make the time to follow the fun principles set before us in this easy to follow book. What is also great about this book is it is full of simple ideas that I can implement on my own to communicate the love and respect I have for this man I married 20 years ago.
Your marriage does not need to be in crisis mode to work through this study. Ours isn’t. This is a study that can be worked through at any stage of married life. I highly recommend reading this book. It’s intentional. It’s clearly written. It is focused.
The Marriage Project is a project worth doing.
Short description of The Marriage Project
More love, more laughter — more lingerie.
Was the last time you flirted with your husband before you had kids?
Do you spend more time on the couch with your wife watching movies or with a bag of chips watching The Game?
Does your idea of a hot date include a drive-thru and springing for the extra-large fries?
What would your marriage look like if for 21 days you put it on project status? Plenty of books describe how to improve a marriage, how to save a marriage, and how to ramp up the intimacy in a marriage. In The Marriage Project, Kathi Lipp shows you how to put the fun back in marriage with 21 simple yet effective projects.
Here are just a few of the results you’ll see when you put The Marriage Project into practice:
– new levels of warmth and tenderness in your relationship
– a deeper sense of security with your spouse
– new ideas to bring fun and flirting back into your marriage
If you haven’t given up on the dream of being head-over-heels with your spouse again, The Marriage Project will give you just the boost you need.
About the Author
Author and Speaker, Kathi Lipp
Kathi Lipp is a national speaker and author who inspires women to take beneficial action steps in their personal, marital and spiritual lives. Her wit and wisdom will give you new ways to:
Avoid settling for less than God’s loving plan for your life.
Develop new levels of warmth and tenderness with your husband
Return fun and flirting to your marriage
Boost your confidence to follow God-given dreams and goals.
Create and environment of encouragement in your friendships
Join Kathi and renovate your life with a project for your soul!
Q&A with Kathi
Kathi, you talk about a time in your life when your marriage wasn’t all that you hoped for. What were some of the things that you wanted to improve in your own marriage?
Let me be clear – I love my husband Roger, but, this is a second marriage for both of us. I knew the statistics regarding remarriages are pretty bleak. But, I guess we were hoping that we would be the exception to the rule and would avoid all the drama – yeah, not so much… With both of us having two teens, plus both becoming step-parents to two teens, we had our challenges waiting for us.
That is when Roger came up with the watch word for our marriage – “Intentional”. Whatever problems came up we were going to deal with them head on – not avoid them as we both did in our first marriages. The Marriage Project is one of the results of that – being intentional about making it work.
So, how does The Marriage Project work?
The Marriage Project is like a workout program for your marriage – only with less sweat and more chocolate. You commit to do fun and flirty things for 21 days to raise the temperature of your marriage – everything from flirty notes on the bathroom mirror to more lingerie in the bedroom. It is a little bit of work – and a whole lot of fun.
How did you come up with the Projects?
We ran 40 projects past 200 couples – most of them at our church in San Jose, CA. The ones that had the biggest impact – usually involving food and sex – stayed, while some of the ones that had the least impact got tossed. That’s how we came up with 21 pretty solid projects that both the husbands and the wives felt were fun and had an impact on their relationship.
Most couples already may feel overwhelmed, so how can they fit these projects into their already busy schedules?
Roger and I have real lives – lots of kids, little money, and even less time. So we made sure that the projects were as “doable” as possible. Most of the projects take less than five minutes.
What’s the biggest reason that women stop putting effort into romancing their husbands?
Time was the overwhelming factor for the women – between kids and jobs, home responsibilities and other family, it was easy to let their relationship with their husbands go on auto pilot.
How about the guys? What are some of the reasons a man may give up on romance?
Surprisingly, most of the men wanted more romance with their wives, but didn’t feel like they were doing it “right”. “Will she be mad if I get her the wrong kind of flowers?” “What if she doesn’t like the gift I got her?” “It doesn’t matter what I do, she isn’t going to like it anyways.” If felt like a lot of the men wanted to do the right thing, but felt overwhelmed by “getting it right”.
You talk a lot about dating your mate in The Marriage Project. With all of the pressures of the economy, job stress, and family obligations, why do you think dating your spouse is so important?
Dating is what helps us fall in love in the first place. It is the thing that most married couples give up first after saying “I do.” But dating is a great way to take a little retreat from those things that can pull us away from each other. At first you may have to look at dating as a project – setting aside time, money and energy for something (or someone) that is important.
I know that it can be expensive to date, but if you are creative, you can have a fun date for under $20.
Are there really dates you can do for less than $20?
What about if you have kids? How can you keep those costs down with the expense of babysitting?
Starting January 15th, we are going to have great ideas on how to date with kids on my blog. You are going to love the ideas that all our readers are contributing!
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for the above mentioned books, authors, or blogs other than a free copy of the book to read before my review. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
Now that I have totally silenced even the most loyal of readers with yesterday’s post, I thought I’d switch gears ever so slightly. Before I do, let me add that some women can be just as double minded and that post was meant to cover both. I’ve seen both sides, and probably played them back in the day.
You may not know this, but I am a former member of the he-Woman’s Man-Haters club. I loved female comics who ripped men. I loved it when TV shows made the wife out to be the savior of the day, and the man of the house a bumbling fool.
I wanted to believe myself to be a feminist.
Forget submission, forget marriage, forget all of it. I’m a boomer’s child and the world is my oyster. I will never belong to the First Wives Club. I’ll never be divorced, because I’m never getting married. I am my own woman and heaven help the man that tries to tame me. I won’t let him.
I had a chip on my shoulder the size of Fort Knox.
Truth is though, I didn’t hate men, I was afraid of them. I have a busted picker. When I was younger, if our eyes met across a crowed room and my heart started pounding 280, he either had a flask in his pocket, or a record a mile long. I could pick a man sure to break my heart without even trying. So I stopped trying, which is how I met my husband.
I didn’t marry a man who wanted to tame me. I married a man who wanted to love me and there is a difference. We’ll be married for 20 years this August.
My early career placed me as the only woman on an all male staff. These guys taught me a lot – mostly about smoking, drinking, and swearing along with construction. They also taught me about integrity, trust, safety, and smarts. Some of those lessons were easy to learn, others came from stupid choices. Smart choice: Hang with the guys who are happily married and talk well of their wives. Not so smart choice: Letting your site partner come back to your hotel room to call his wife and let her know he’s running late. Once I figured out why he was running late — false hopes and ambitions — I kicked him out. I also paid for that by having to listen to my sight foreman rip me apart for an hour and a half the next day for being so stupid. The situation could have been a lot worse, and I’m thankful it wasn’t. I actually know other gals on the field who were raped by techs they worked with.
Personal note here: Rape is always about control and violence. My comments do not mean to imply that what happened to some of my counterparts was in any way shape or form their fault!
And before anyone comments on the unfairness of my sight forman — I’d been flirting with said partner the whole trip because I thought he was safely married. That was a huge mistake. My partner liked to dabble when he traveled, I didn’t know that. Besides, it isn’t fair to flirt with a married man. That was a lesson I had to learn a lot when I was in my 20’s. It was never about sex when I did it, it was always about fear, control and manipulation. I don’t have the right to throw stones. I’ve broken too many mirrors doing that.
Being tough, thinking I can always make the right choices and take care of myself without anyone’s help isn’t an easy road.
Learning how to trust my husband comes and goes. The more my husband and I grow in our relationship with Christ, the closer we become to being one. I am always amazed at how God can take two very broken people and make them into his likeness.
While I may have spent our early years totally wrapped up in “him,” I am also developing me right now. We are learning to follow the ebb and flow of life and maturity, rediscovering ourselves and eachother. We are polar opposites and I like that today. He keeps me grounded. It’s a fun journey. He’s the one who teaches me about the kind of man who can be trusted, and I listen to his insticts. He also teaches me about the kind of woman who can be trusted. I introduce him as well. I make sure that people know we are together. Nothing sets him on higher ground than my arm on his when we walk into a room.
As I was working on these two posts, I recieved a phone call from my husband telling me that his mom had a stroke and he is leaving Denver to be with her in Florida. She didn’t know he was there yesterday and my heart broke for him. Today, her eyes are open, she is trying to talk and even though she is weak, she can move her legs. The only real damage right now seems to be her left arm and her speach. Mom is 86. We have decisions to make, and we’ll make them together. I don’t know when he’ll be home, but I’m holding down the fort taking care of our son and praying.
I don’t care who you are, or what you do. If you are married you will introduce me to your wife, or I won’t trust you and we won‘t have much of a relationship. If you don’t introduce me to your wife, I’ll do so myself.
I did something out the ordinary this week. I chose to intentionally thank a man for consistently introducing me to his wife whenever we run into each other. Why? Because men don’t do that anymore and I really wish they would. I always introduce my husband when we are out together, and he does likewise.
We are a unit, and I want people to know that.
I used to assume everyone operated that way. As I get older, I’ve learned not to assume those things anymore.
I went to an office wedding several years ago and I brought my husband with me. I wanted him to know the people I work with, and I wanted them to know him. The saddest moment of the night was when a man I regularly joked around with at work, chose to ignore me in front of his wife. This wasn’t a simple case of the room was so full he didn’t see me, and while I won’t go into the details, he went out of his way to keep the two of us apart. Even my husband noticed.
Red Flag Alert: If a member of the opposite sex trips all over themselves to talk to you when no one is looking and ignores you in front of their spouse, RUN don’t walk to the nearest exit.
For some reason I suddenly felt dirty. And then it hit me, I have a family member who was a notorious womanizer. I also recognized that the shame I was suddenly feeling did not belong to me and I was able to give that back to God and find a solution.
Now, I’m not saying the man in this story is a player, and I’m not saying he isn’t. I am saying I that I was allowing him to treat me one way at work and another way in front of his wife and I needed to change that. His actions left me no reasonable choice but to change mine.
I found a way to politely ask what was up and I listened to his explanation. I then informed my office friend that I will always make a point of seeking out his wife and speaking to her at events. This is a non-negotiable item.
I’ve also learned in life not to make false threats.
It isn’t enough to set the boundaries. I have to keep them.
Another party came and he tried the same thing. Keeping my word, I grabbed my husband and walked over to my office friend’s wife and introduced myself and my husband. We spoke briefly and left the party shortly thereafter. I made a point of talking to her every time I saw her.
I’d really like to say that my boundaries helped build a healthy work relationship with my friend. But they didn’t. What my boundaries did do, was build my own esteem and worth in my eyes, and my husband’s.
I don’t have anything to do with said gentleman today. I actually resented being the one who set the boundaries that should have been there all along, and that took too much of a toll on the relationship.
Avoiding men altogether isn’t the answer, although I did try that route for a while.
Today, I watch and I listen and I trust my gut..
Watch:
Does he introduce his wife to people he’s talking to or does he leave her standing there?
Is he publicly affectionate? – Putting his arm around her, communicating they belong together.
How does he look at her? Does he look at her?
Listen:
What tone of voice does he use when he speaks to her?
Does he speak well of his wife or does he put her down and complain? (my mother taught me that a man who speaks poorly of his wife to other women is fishing. — don’t take the bait.)
A good married man will never compare you to his wife in such a way that you come out on top — if she doesn’t “understand him” and he’s telling you that you do, that isn’t a compliment — it’s a deadly trap. Don’t fall for it. Understand that he is a snake —
A good man will praise his wife in your presence.
A good man will talk about her and let you know she exists.
My Gut
The Holy Spirit speaks volumes to our heart when we are open.
Past experience can be a good teacher sometimes as well. It’s from those trial and error days of being naive that I’ve learned the most. Those times when I didn’t listen to my gut and got in hot water have taught me to trust myself more often.
My husband follows the same walk — we are a unit. I love it when he introduces me, sends calls to voicemail whenever we are on a date or in a conversation. I love the way he looks at me, the way he puts his arm around me in a crowd and includes me in his life and with his friends. I love the way that he communicates the fact that I am his, and he is mine.
I love the trust that grows from those seeds.
Question: What actions do you and your spouse take to communicate to others that you are one?
This post written by Deana O’Hara, for Redemption’s Heart. January 20, 2010
I am dating the sexiest man alive and I love it!
Deana O'Hara - Speaker, Comedian, Writer 