I’m sorry, but the post you are looking for is no longer here. Please note that I write most of my posts 1 – 2 weeks in advance and schedule them for future publication. While this particular post dealt with my own eating issues and abuse of over the counter diet pills, as well as revelations I’ve received from my present Bible Study, I’m afraid that it published on the cusp of another very important announcement. The two have nothing to do with eachother, but out of respect for a friend and a family grieving, I’m taking my post down.
Please pray for those you mentor as well as those who mentor others. I’ve heard it said that the minute we step into public ministry, Satan points a loaded gun at the backs of our heads. That is so true. May God fill you to overflowing with his Grace, his Mercy and His Peace.
I made a reference yesterday about the year I lost it. Those of you who’ve known me for a while know what I’m talking about, but for the rest let me fill you in a little. Life got crazy from 2003-2004 and while trying to handle everything on my own, I eventually snapped. You might say I went through an 18 month season of sifting, pruning, and deep grief. Some of it was my own making, and some of it was not. Whatever label you want to put on that season, the end result was the same, I was diagnosed with clinical depression in June of 2004. My depression was so deep that I spent the next 12 months in what I call an emotional black out. I functioned, but as my friends would say, “the lights were on, but ain’t nobody home.”
I’m not sure when I snapped exactly. The downward spiral began in 2003. Within roughly 14 months from March of 2003 to May of 2004, I ruptured my ACL, buried 10 of my closest friends, lost the only school my kids had ever known, among other more personal issues I won’t bore you with here, and I erroneously believed the “cure” for my grief was to take on more responsibility. Pretty arrogant hunh?
By the time my brain and denial collided, I had already spent months sitting on my back porch every night. I’ll never forget being wrapped in a blanket, chain-smoking, and staring into the blankness, for hours at time. In the morning, I’d wake up, pull up my bootstraps and drive to work across town. As soon as work ended, I would go back on the porch and shut down.
When I finally did see a doctor, I was pretty deep and he was ready to put me in the hospital. This is how depression lied to me, I was blaming someone for mine. A few someones actually and my response to my doctor was “I’ll be jacked if I’m going to give him the satisfaction of putting me in the nut house. I’m stronger than he is.” As if I was the center of some evil plot to drive me insane. Depression lies to us, big time. For some strange reason my doctor didn’t force the issue and we settled out-patient therapy instead.
My pride and ego got in the way from allowing myself to be hospitalized. I should have listened to my doctor — I would have recovered much more quickly.
The good news though, is I did recover. I spent three plus years in therapy, both group and private, and on medication. I learned how to be more authentic and honest with my thoughts and feelings and I learned what to watch for in case it happens again. In my case, I have not needed meds for roughly three years, but if I ever spiral again I’ll be on them for life.
Several of my friends and acquaintances have experienced depression in their lives. I met Chonda Pierce during my downward spiral. She is a sweetheart and she writes about her own experiences in Laughing In The Dark. There is a blogger on my page, Pastor Todd Peppercorn (You can see him listed under Pastor Blogs). He writes When I Trust My Dark Road and I read him from time to time.
I could rattle off a few more names of people I like who have been through depression, but I hope you get my point. While I was never suicidal, a lot of my friends who experienced depression were. I lost a friend to depression ten years ago, and that breaks my heart. Depression kills.
It was during this dark season that I did in my old blogs and threw away a lot of my writings. I did that because I believed at the time that I’d never be a writer or speaker or of any worth to God or anyone else ever again.
Wow was I wrong.
I’m bringing this up today because a friend of mine posted a plea on her Facebook page — she said “You’re too blessed to be depressed is bs. Don’t say that to anyone. Ever. Please.” She’s right. It’s not true and it’s not helpful. Depression is real. It’s not self-pity. Depression hurts. It debilitates and it lies.
A local pastor and part-time mentor is seeking in patient treatment for his depression and burn out. While my heart hurts for him and his family, I admire his humility and his willingness to seek treatment.
I do know that while I was depressed I sought God in the things of God, in myself, other people, and my work. In seeking him in the wrong places, I missed him along the way. It was only after I fell apart that I found his healing and his Grace. Today I know the hope and the healing that comes on the other side. I pray the same for for anyone else suffering today.
I found my voice, my courage and my king in my dark night — getting help is not a sign of weakness, it’s sign of strength.
“Famous Blogger? That’s like saying a Famous Dentist.” – Pete K from the Defenders.
I’m not as obsessed with this show as you think, just hang with me for a minute. And even if I am, hang with me anyway, okay?
My first thought about that comment was wow that was mean, but when I thought about it, it really is a true statement. I started blogging before blogging was cool. I had my little platform on Blogger dot com, played with the coding, changed the back ground with Cuteblogsrus or something, I had followers,I had feedburner and everything else. I did all the work, joined everything from BlogHer to god knows what including MySpace, and back making pretend friends, sharing comments, giving awards, getting awards, joining more rings than the Hobbit himself, trying to build a following and then I realized something, blogging stopped being fun. I spent as much time managing my blog as I would a real job and I wasn’t getting paid. Oh sure google ad said I could make money — by the tenths of a penny, but still. I had no life.
Granted the lack of fun might have been correlated with my breakdown in 2004, or not, I don’t know.
The truth is, I’ll never be a “famous Blogger” and I don’t care anymore. Not caring whether or not I’ll ever be famous is like skinny dipping in my backyard pool – not that I do that if the neighbors ask. But it is freeing, in a weird private sort of way. Now that is not to say that I do not get sucked in from time to time by my marketing friends who insists I can be famous on just five minutes a day. I don’t stay there long. If Facebook can’t figure out how many friends I have from day to day, I’m pretty certain neither can FeedBurner.
Why I won’t be Famous.
I ditched Blogger for WordPress a year ago and am too computer illiterate to figure out how to go back or how to host my own page so that I can do all that pretty coding that I don’t know how to do anyway.
I don’t care that Jumla comes in a box.
I can’t cook.
My kids are no longer cute. — they are 20 and 17 and well. Love them, but you know what I mean.
I don’t have some product to push.
I hate twitter.
I don’t go to tweetups or blog reunions.
I think social networking is an oxymoron — seriously how “social” are people who hide behind a computer screen anyway?
My gardens are dead.
I’m not a remodeler.
I have no nitch.
I’m just me.
And I like that.
Some of the people I started reading way back when are famous now. And you know what? I’m totally okay with that. At least they aren’t dentists. While one of my old blogger friends is now People’s Choice Awards Famous, my other one has left the blogging community in favor of real life relationships. Quite frankly, I’m happy for her. She’s no longer a slave to the meters on the sidebar or the comments in her posts. As for me – I recovered nicely from my breakdown back in 2004. I learned that doing stand up comedy is a lot cheaper than paying some therapist to listen to me. And now instead of crazy, I can be okay with being neurotic and enjoy my life.
Okay, okay. I might have been a little harsh on character Pete Kaczmarek (played by Jerry O’Connell) from the new hit show The Defenders in my earlier post about the show. I was speaking at the time about how I seem to watch only shows with “eye-candy” as my son would call it and I was defending myself – miserably. In doing so, I insisted that Pete’s character was not eye candy and that I think pretty boys are boring, one-trick ponies. I like the other guy, played by Jim Belushi – which I do.
If you haven’t seen the show, Pete Kaczmarek is a defense attorney working in Las Vegas. He’s ambitious, good-looking, charming, well-respected and a serious playboy. Jerry O’Connell brings out the humor as well as the soul – when needed – very well. Still, Pete, respected or not, is a hound dog who knows how to work women to his advantage.
Why I was so harsh when first describing his character, is guys like Pete used to turn me into a stammering, neurotic, brainless, idiot when I was younger. It’s not pretty, trust me. For those who don’t know me really well let me explain that I was being tongue in cheek when I called him a One Trick Pony, okay guys? I didn’t work them, they worked me.
The trick was simple, they’d smile and I’d open my wallet, my home, my car, whatever just so that I could walk into a room with them. I didn’t date them, I bank rolled them. I was the sidekick friend to whatever hot alpha female they were toying with. I never got the guy, I just got the bills. I even had dinner at the Chicago Yacht Club once, I was impressed until he forgot his wallet. Okay, I didn’t care, cuz well.. he was GORGEOUS.
I pick on pretty boys because God forbid, one of them starts up flirting with me, I still blush and giggle at 46 and I swear that embarrasses me even more. It’s a curse. I hate it – not the flirting, I kinda like that. I mean I hate the whole blush/giggle thing. You can ask my husband if you don’t believe me. — He’ll tell you all about the cowboy who tipped his hat at me and said “Ma’am.” I think I squeaked before I blushed and giggled, I’m not sure. That poor man.
To be fair – I’ll tell you about the time we were at a concert and Nicole Nordeman walked up to him, stuck out her hand to shake his and rendered him speechless. Our youngest son just looked up at her and said’ Uhm, I think my dad wants your autograph.” — He punched me in the arm when he got back to the seats for not telling him she was there. I’d never heard of her, but apparently he had.
How I wound up with the man I did, I’ll never know. I actually think God took pity on me.
Jerry O’Connell plays Pete, really well and his character does have a lot of heart as is shown in episode one when he keeps an innocent kid from going to jail. If you want to see what I’m talking about, check out CBS’s latest Defenders Trailer. I tried to embed it, but the CBS page isn’t set up for that, sorry.
So, come 9 pm CST, I’ll be at home watching my favorite new show. What are you going to be doing? – edited to add: Or not. CBS had a Grammy Show scheduled instead, and the local affiliate chose to show a college basketball game and some Survivor show. Now I’m sad.
Deana O'Hara - Speaker, Comedian, Writer 