Category: humor

A collection of my more humorous adventures.

So, you survived Christmas, let’s celebrate!

Deana3 Comments

HurrayIt is the day after Christmas. It’s 12:30 and I am still in my PJs. Why? I survived Christmas and I’m celebrating. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great Christmas. Both of my boys are home and even my Dad spent the night. While we didn’t do a lot of the things we normally do because of my broken leg, we still enjoyed the day. I even survived listening to how great Fox news is, the war on Christmas (that doesn’t really exist), and sentences that started with “not that I’m racists but…” and get this..

NO

ONE

DIED!

My youngest son did interject a random, “How about them Jets?” at one point which of course made everyone laugh.

Let’s face it, Christmas is not always the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. Alcoholism, divorce, death, illness, singleness, and a myriad of familial dysfunction can make the day beyond stressful for many people.

My parents got divorced when I was four. Between the ages of nine and twelve, the day after Christmas was spent on an airplane on my way to visit my father and his new family in New York. My mother hated the fact that she had to share me with him and we would invariably argue the week leading up to these visits. Honestly, I was really too young to understand what was going on, I just wanted to see my Dad. She didn’t think he deserved it. I only saw my father three times between the ages of four and nine for  various reasons.

He made lots of plans to see me after the divorce, but 90% of them fell through and she was the one left to pick up the pieces of a broken-hearted kid. I would stress so badly over the tension that by the time the trip arrived, I’d be sick and still insist on going anyway. It would be at that point that she would threaten to pack my bags and send me off to live with him for good if I was so insistent on seeing him.

Instead of anticipation, family and joy, Christmas for me, came with fear and trepidation as a kid. Forget Santa. All I wanted for Christmas was parents who knew how to behave.

Would he cancel the visit last-minute? Again.

Would she really send me away for good? (She never did)

It’s not like the trips were all that great anyway – I left one drunk household for another. One set of problems for another.

Neither of them were sober back then, I had learned how to be the adult for all of us and I was really bad at it. But that didn’t keep me from trying. There are some things kids just aren’t supposed to be able to fix.

Then Mom got sober and the trips back and forth stopped. Instead of NY, Dad now lived in Chicago and even though it was only four hours away, he was too busy to see me. While I was hurt by that, I was also relieved by no longer being stuck in the middle.

Flash forward ten years or so, now married with my own children and fueled by my own painful memories of Christmas past, this broken child turned into the Queen of Christmas. We were going to have the PERFECT Christmas come hell or high water even if it killed me and everyone around me.

We did Christmas on our own in Oklahoma. We did it all, lights, Church pageants, decorations, presents and food galore. There was no Christmas at Grandma’s house because both sets of parents had downsized and there wasn’t room for us and neither set wanted to travel. Only my Dad came. He was harmless enough, drinking himself into a quiet stupor in the recliner. Besides he had nowhere else to go and I picked up my old hat of saving the world.

Did everyone have a perfect Christmas? I don’t know. By the time the holiday actually arrived my martyr hat was glued on so tightly that I’m pretty sure it impacted the blood flow to my brain and affected my judgement. Fortunately for me, (and thankful for my own 12 step program) I did eventually learn how to give up the ghost and stop trying so hard and believe it or not, my boys (now grown) actually have good memories about Christmas.

I have a broken leg this year – I could not have been the queen of Christmas even if I wanted. My husband had to take over the decorating, shopping, cleaning and a good part of the cooking and you know what? It was great! He did a wonderful job and I learned Christmas doesn’t have to rest completely on my shoulders.

I don’t know what your Christmas was like. Maybe it was spectacular. Maybe you had to sit through dinner with a Republican. Or a Democrat. Maybe you lost a parent or loved one. Maybe it was your spouse’s turn to have the kids and you were alone. The bottom line is, not matter how Christmas went, today is a new day.

You got through it, no matter what it was, therefore I suggest we celebrate. Stay in your jammies if you want. Call a friend and tell them “I did it!” I did this hard thing – let the kids see their dad, missed my Mom, survived the family dinner, stayed sober — what ever it is you did. Celebrate it. Take a bubble bath – go for a run, ride a bike. Do what ever it is you do when you celebrate. Give yourself a pat on the back. It’s okay — I give you permission.

Important Signs

DeanaLeave a comment

Because when you are my age, information like this is vital.

130930_0000

If I ask for chickens, will I get a horse?

DeanaLeave a comment

rocky 150We were only there for 72 hours. It was a retreat in the middle of Tennessee. We gathered our own eggs, fed the sheep, picked fresh food from the garden and enjoyed the view. I wanted to stay forever.

Flash forward five years and I’m still harping on it.

I want to move.

I want a ranch.

I want chickens.

I want sheep.

Can I have a horse?

I married a city boy. We’ve lived in the burbs for the past 24 years. My obsession with farming has been a long held secret. Both sets of my grandparents grew up on farms and I come by this weird obsession naturally. My mother even bought a farmhouse when she was 50, I mean it’s got to be there. Forget the fact that everything green withers and dies at my touch, I’m sure I could figure it out.

When we bought our house at our own cove, I thought THIS is my chance. We have five acres, I can get chickens.

No banana.

My husband is not a mental midget by any stretch and said they were a gateway animal to other livestock. It’s not like I was planning on a LOT of livestock, just maybe a horse or some sheep or goats. No biggie.

All these years I told him he was wrong, and then I saw THIS video. (Sigh)

It cracks me up. Hope you enjoy it.

Friday Funny: A Woman with a banjo

DeanaLeave a comment

576165_10150969883942750_648100132_nI’m not sure where this came from originally. I saw it on Facebook and I love it. So true.

 

And I still haven’t met Mark Lowry

DeanaLeave a comment
Mark's newest CD, Unforgettable Classics is amazingly wonderful.
Mark’s newest CD, Unforgettable Classics is amazingly wonderful. I picked up my copy at the Gaither Homecoming concert in Tulsa on Saturday.  I think it’s fantastic. Click on the photo if you want more information.

Whelp, I’m three for three you guys.

I have had three chances to meet Mr. Lowry in the past five years and I struck out every time. — I don’t mean that nearly as stalkerish as that sounds, I promise. I’m just a fan and would simply like to meet him and thank him for his music and comedy.

My first chance to meet him was about five years ago when he came to Tulsa and I was so busy “evangelizing” one of the volunteers that I missed the meet and greet.

Okay, maybe evangelizing is the wrong word choice. How can I put this? One of the ushers gave me a flier for a senior citizen trip to Branson with Mark and refused to give the same flier to my husband because and I quote “This trip is for senior citizens only and you don’t look like one.”

Bless his heart. That man (the usher) must have been born stupid, is all I can think.

I WAS 43 YEARS OLD!

Strike one.

Mark scheduled another concert in Tulsa for January of this year (first time he’s been back without the Gaithers I believe) and I purchased tickets for all of my friends and various church staff as Christmas gifts.  Well, Mark fell and broke his leg and the concert was rescheduled for May. That would have been fine except that by May, I forgot about the concert and went to the lake to work on my homework and music instead. My friends, however all had a wonderful time. Some of them even got to meet him. Figures.

Strike two.

I made a last minute decision to go the The Gaither Homecoming this year and found a seat on the floor, 8th row, stage left, aisle. I was THIS close to the stage. I could see everything and it was wonderful.

I absolutely love the Gaithers. Their music plays a huge role in my spiritual walk. Every song they’ve written has taught me something new about God. I love that. This year, I heard The Martins for the first time — SNAP they are amazing. The Hoppers were great as always and GVB? Oh my word — well, words fail me. I love the Gaither Vocal Band, have for years. Angela Primm had me on me feet — Mercy that woman has energy and what a voice!  Michael English made me cry, so there is that. I forgot the rule, don’t bother wearing mascara to a Gaither concert because sooner or later, you’re going to cry.

All in all it was a wonderful night. And I still didn’t get to meet Mark. Oh well. One of these days perhaps.

And that would be strike three.

I couldn’t get passed the seniors. I’m not kidding. Even though I sat in the 8th row, I’m fairly certain if I tried to meet anyone, those ladies would have been willing to throw down.  I still can’t wrap my brain around  watching senior citizens crowd the gate by the stage after the show just to touch or meet Mr Gaither.

Even funnier, when I got outside there was a crowd of SENIORS around the tour busses. Now they are either the oldest groupies I’ve ever seen or they forgot what bus they arrived in.

I did at least purchase Mr. Lowry’s new CD, Unforgettable Classics and listened to it on the drive home. It’s a wonderful CD. He has the perfect voice for some of my favorite classic songs. Songs like Smile, It had to be you, and The very thought of you just to name a few. I’m a hopeless romantic. I love the old classics.  Click on the photo see his web page and take a listen. You will not be disappointed.

Edited to add: I did finally meet Mr. Lowry. This story went viral and a theater in Ada invited me to a show in order to meet him. I was a tad embarrassed by the circumstance and afraid that after reading this story, he’d think I was a stalker which I’m not. I was rendered speechless (bug eyed and blushing) Somehow trying to explain “It’s okay, I’m not a stalker, I’m a comic too.” did not sound sane to me. 

FCC Disclaimer: As always no goods or services have been received in exchange for this endorsement. I’m only passing on a resource I believe my readers will enjoy. I am not associated with Mark Lowry, or his subsidiaries in any way shape or form.
like-and-share-scam
Thank you for making this the most shared and most read  story of 2013. You guys are too sweet.

Easy? No. Worth it? Yes!

DeanaLeave a comment

580247_584414024963641_254854110_nSane women do not cut 14 inches off their hair, purchase $600 worth of MAC makeup, pack a car and drive 15 hours in one day for a three-day comedy contest. Especially if they’ve got less than 50 hours of stage time as a stand up comic and one book of jokes under their belt. Fortunately for me, I’ve never been accused of being sane. Something tells me, I’d make Sally Field proud. (Think Punchline)

Upside: I’m so new to the comic stage that I didn’t know enough to be afraid of the headliners from Letterman or the Tonight Show (among other notable comics) who were judging this competition.

Downside: I’m so new to the stage that I freaked out when I saw the wall of light instead of an audience and totally crashed and burned the first night. I did so poorly in fact that one of the judges said “I see you more as an actress than a comic, maybe you should do that instead.” Thank you Simon Cowell. That would have crushed me three years ago. Not today.

The great thing about being a 47-year-old menopausal red-head — tell me I can’t do something and I hunker down, dig my heels deep into the soil and prove you wrong. It’s how I roll. Said judge also sat down with me at lunch after my second set and offered very productive feedback. I made a new friend and I’m thankful.

I also did better the second night and nailed it the third.

Courage gave me a gift I can never repay.

I received lessons and insights into who I am,

opportunities to grow and let go of the past,

and a chance to lay down lies and false perceptions and find truth.

Four other things I learned about myself last week:

1. I’m funny
2. I’m courageous
3. I can learn how to trust again.
4. I’m stinkin’ adorable in short hair.