Category: Redemption’s Heart – pieces of my story

Medusa Face and Jesus Juking. What a day.

Deana4 Comments

“Do you know what  a Jesus Juke is? What you just did — followed by a link .” –

I didn’t know what that was, until one man trusted me with truth. – I appreciate him tonight.

My weekend started out simple enough really. Other than recovering from the flu, I was doing rather well. Until Medusa showed up that is. (medusa is my name for my other self, she’s kinda hateful and full if bite)

I got dumped on pure and simple. A simple conversation turned ugly with an onslaught of scripture verses, accusations, rebukes, and a rather clear insinuation that perhaps I wasn’t really a Christian after all. I did nothing. I just let her rant and moved on and let her exhaust herself. I never once told her the truth about how her actions were impacting me.

In retrospect, I believe I am a tad too proud on how I handled that. Meaning, I didn’t tell her to shove it. Which is really what I wanted to say, but that would have messed with my halo and heaven forbid I mess with that because I’ve got that whole good girl lie groove thing going on.

Nope. I was kind to her.

Unfortunately, I took all that pent-up unkindness and dumped my bullshit onto someone else’s shoulders.

I was very passive aggressive about it, trust me. I didn’t want to seem like I was juking him. but that is exactly what I was doing. Stuff runs downhill and all that jazz.

He posted a scripture verse on Twitter about hating those who cling to idols and his faith is in the Lord, yep I’m a hater – kinda quote – not a bad quote actually if taken entirely in context of say the rest of his posts. I posted back a scripture verse about how we are called to love and that if you claim to love God but hate your brother you are walking in darkness. Nothing more. Just the verse.

I sure know how to make a great first impression.

Have I told you yet that he doesn’t know me?

Never met.

I apparently know how to piss him off as well. Granted, I would be upset if someone did that to me.  Oh that’s right. Someone did do that to me and I passed it on to him. Lucky man.

He replied directly to me as soon as he saw it, which was several hours later, telling me I’d juked him and even sent the link to explain exactly how I sinned against him. Then wondered how he could be such a magnet for self righteous whack jobs.

Ouch.

This first thing I did when he pointed out my actions was admit to myself that I wronged him. Then I admitted it to God. After that and only after that did I admit to this man that yes, he was correct my actions were out of line. I immediately apologized – publicly since I insulted him publicly and promptly removed my original remark as an act of repentance.

Honestly, he didn’t have to respond. He could have simply ignored it and I would have missed out on a great growth opportunity. Not that I necessarily like this kind of growth opportunity. Still. There is a scripture verse about how an enemy will kiss you with lies, and a friend with rip your heart out with truth or something like that. I know it, it’s just eluding me right now.

While I’m embarrassed by the response, I’m more embarrassed that I actually did that whole I’m holier than thou here’s my scripture verse to prove it garbage. I try not to do that, and sometimes I fail.

The point in life is not to avoid failing – although it would be splendid if I could. Leading a grown up life means owning it when you fail and asking for forgiveness.

He did me a real favor. He trusted me with truth. I actually appreciate that.

This is the link he sent me, written by Jon Acuff  explain what Jesus Juking (Click the link if you’d like) WHAT IS JESUS JUKING ANYWAY? Totally worth reading.

My question to you dear readers, has anyone ever trusted you enough with the truth when you were showing your medusa-esque self? How did you respond?

I will be back, I promise

Deana3 Comments

The flu is making its rounds through my house. Granted my son and I were both immunized last fall and yet it appears we  both have a mild I’m sure case of the flu. Lovely. My sweets hubs has gone into hiding.

Channeling my inner Arnold, ” I’ll be back!”

Have fun. Behave. And remember, there is no kill switch for awesome.

Metaphors Make Brains Touchy Feely – ScienceNOW

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I’m home.

I’m ill.

Not allowed to ride horses or bikes, doc says I have to rest. So I’m getting caught up on my reading.

There are truly some things I wish I could unread – like Ron Paul’s idiotic thought process. Why are people voting for him? He’s a moron.

There are other things I’ve read that truly have me fascinated like the article linked below. I’ve never given much thought really to the connection between poetry and science or how the brain responds to poetic verse.

Either my left brain is jonesing for some action and is thrilled to get it, or this is really a good article. Enjoy.

Metaphors Make Brains Touchy Feely – ScienceNOW.

2011 in review per WordPress

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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 9,700 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 4 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Fisher’s Of Men – or – How I Met My Husband.

Deana3 Comments

I am 22 when my boyfriend decides to dump with the classic line of “It’s not me, it’s you.”

I am crushed.

Inconsolable even.

Drunk on Hagen Daz ice cream and dreams of what could have been (AKA self-pity in over drive), I am a horrible mess. In a moment of what I can only call pure desperation, I reach for my Bible and start talking to God.

He Dumped me! Can you believe he dumped me? I’ll never get married. My life is ruined. What am I going to do God?

Flip, Flip, Point.

I looked down to see where my finger had landed.

“Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” (Matthew 4:19 for you purists)

Fishers of Men? Really God?I’m in! Yeah!

I put down my bible drive to the mall and buy myself the BEST fishing wardrobe minimum wage can buy. You know, little black dress, red lipstick and fish net stockings. Shortly after that I pack up my little bag of sorrows, leave Redford and moved to Chicago where I spend the next few years participating in the catch-and-release program.

Not to be confused with the prison release program, which is something entirely different.

Okay, if I’m counting the guy I met in front of the Sears Tower that one Spring, not really.

But there you are.

One day I meet this really cute guy at work who gets me to go out with him by hawking the fact he plays guitar in a rock band. We’d only gone out a couple of times when he calls to tell me he wants to take me to church on our next date.

I thought he was speaking figuratively and dressed accordingly.

Do you know he took me to church?

For real?

Wow, am I popular. I even meet the woman’s auxiliary. They call themselves “The Church Basement Ladies.” I am not making that up. I ask them what they do and they tell me they mostly sew quilts and cook supper for Jesus.

Now I was not raised in the church but even I know it’s been at least 2,000 years since Jesus walked the earth so either these ladies were pulling my leg, or they’ve held up remarkably well.

Best,

Deana

Poetry: Chasing The Sun

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Though cattle low while birds sing
And the owl calls out its mourning song
The sun waits.

The gifted hours of evening’s slumber
Silently give way to morning’s heed.
Nature stirs with a half opened eye,
Waiting for the sound of the sun upon still waters.

Nature knows what I do not.
Try as I might,I cannot chase a sunrise.

Personal Foul: 15 Yard Penalty Repeat First Down

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Him: What is your son studying in college?

Me: Engineering.

Him: Wow that’s a tough program.

Me: Yep. He got his Dad’s intelligence and my love for art.

TWEEEET!!!!!!!

Personal Foul, 15 yard penalty, repeat first down.

I just told that man I thought I was stupid!

UHG…

Have you ever listened, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y listened to what you say about yourself to others?

I’m so clumsy.

I’m forgetful.

I’m Whiney.

I’m not smart.

Brilliant me forgot to log miles last month. (Just posted that one yesterday. Ouch)

On and on an on I go.

I wonder what would happen if we could have an NFL referee following us around, listening to us speak and throwing flags every time we put ourselves down. Wouldn’t that be a trip.

Okay, I’m not a referee, although I do have a really cool whistle from my coaching days. And I can’t follow you around. BUT I can re-read my old posts and man I put myself down a lot. So much so that I seriously considered pulling my blog this week. It has been painful reading let me tell you. Self effacing humor is not humility. At least not the way I do it.

So, I’ve decided to keep a log on my iPad. I’m going to pay attention to what I say and every time I complain about myself, put myself down or make a snarky remark I’m going to log it and replace it with a truth statement. I going to breathe some life into these dead bones of my self-esteem. If I am not my own best friend, who will be?

And I’m going to start with what I told that man. – I’m an intelligent artist.

Okay – just for fun or exorcism, either way. Won’t you please comment and tell us one lie you tell about yourself and replace it with a truth statement? Ready? Go.

A Really Cheesey Poem from 1982

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Drinking from dry wells is a waste of time and energy. Poetic interpretation is as much about the state of mind of the reader as it is the writer. Huge shakers full of salt grains really do come in handy when laying your heart on the line. I remember sitting in the school library on October 27, 1982 writing the following poem. Moved by the beauty of the frost outside the window as well as the reality that my old life, high school, was ending and having spent the previous year in Sweden I was more than ready to get on with living. My heart and my mind traveled ahead while my body endured one last winter. — contrary to my mother’s belief that this was a poem about suicide (she almost put me in therapy), it is really about coming of age and the importance of waiting.

And I Wait for Spring

Morning frost covers the ground,

remnants of the night’s cold.

The crimson sun shines brightly, illuminating the morning.

Leaves shed their disguise of green and take on colors

which are better seen silhouetted again the pale blue sky of day.

The sun shines on the parade of wonderous colors

preparing for time of painted sleep.

The bubbling brook once fast and full of life

slows its course to better carry

winters burden.

A joining of life and placid rest

A time of time of celebration and endings

waiting for a new beginning.

 

Just Breathe

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He (sic My father) used to hold his breath and pass out on the streets of Tokyo where his parents were Presbyterian Missionaries. I think he was a little angry: Held breath is the ultimate withholding; you’re not taking anything in, you’re not putting anything out. – Anne Lamott, Plan B Futher Thoughts on Faith.

Has it really come to this?

Freud will have a field day.

I’m having a field day.

Every year I pray and meditate and choose a new word, or scripture verse or phrase for the coming year. After two weeks of semi-fasting from the internet, prayer, retreat, and journaling THE word that resounds in my deepest of spirit for 2012 is “Breathe.”

It’s not that I’m disappointed really , okay maybe a little, it’s just that most years my phrases have been, well I’ll just say it, more encouraging than something as simple as “breathe.”

Here is an example of what I mean:

  • 2003 when I just began working in a church -– Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
  • 2004 (Isaiah 41:9) – “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’: I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
  • 2005 – My word was forgiveness and letting go. It was truthfully a year spent grieving the loss of friends through death and learning how to forgive others. It was a dark night of the soul kind of year for me. I deleted all my writings and former blogs and got about the busy work of recovering from severe depression.
  • 2006 – “Baptize me, oh Lord, to the criticism of man, that I might one day become immune to it.” – Beth Moore
  • 2007 – Hebrews 10:35-36 – “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded, you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.”
  • 2008 – Romans 31-39 – “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
  • January 1, 2009 – Ephesians 3:17-19. “I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” – that was a year of exploring what it meant to LIVE with Intention. A year of celebration. It was also the year that I started doing stand up comedy and intentionally studying and growing my gifts/abilities as a speaker.
  • 2010 –  “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.” – I spent a year studying ancient liturgy under the auspices of a local pastor and reading authors such as St Augustine.
  • 2011 – Live with Intention which for me translated to Love/Laughter Inspiration Volunteering Encouragement/excercise. – okay notsomuch on the exercise thing, but the rest – I totally nailed that.
  • 2012 – I get one word. Breathe.

 I’m not really amused. My ego wants something grander or more grand whichever than breathe. I want something that will make people stand on their heads and listen to me as if I were EF Hutton himself. “Breathe.” feels so bourgeois really. So ordinary. I’m an artist and a poet, I don’t want to be ordinary I want to be captivating. Shooting a loving smile at my artsy fartsy neurotically insecure yet comical self – Grown up me responds – Yeah well suck it up baby girl — you get to be real this year. Welcome to planet earth. – Grown up me can be a real downer sometimes can’t she?

When I think about it though, it’s actually pretty deep. Held breath IS the ultimate withholding just like Anne writes. I can’t help but wonder, how often do you or I forget to breathe in the moments of life? I hold my breath a lot. Beauty can capture my breath, so can anger and fear. All last week I dreamt nightly of people trying to hug me and my holding my breath. I would write it off as just a silly little dream (or three) but then last night someone I hadn’t seen in a few years grabbed me in a spontaneous hug and — you guessed it – I held my breath until they let go.

I really forgotten how to breathe. No wonder my gut is a mess and my shoulders are in my ears. I will have you know that this doesn’t come as some great and welcomed epiphany. This self-knowledge comes to me with bits and spurts of denial and a great deal of fighting back. While I know how I feel about this new word that landed in my heart, I’m not sure what to think yet – and so I simply offer some thoughts by some of my favorite poets on this whole “breathe” business.

To one who has been long in city pent,
‘Tis very sweet to look into the fair
And open face of heaven, – to breathe a prayer
Full in the smile of the blue firmament.
~John Keats, Sonnet XIV

He lives most life whoever breathes most air.  ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

You know that our breathing is the inhaling and exhaling of air.  The organ that serves for this is the lungs that lie round the heart, so that the air passing through them thereby envelops the heart.  Thus breathing is a natural way to the heart.  And so, having collected your mind within you, lead it into the channel of breathing through which air reaches the heart and, together with this inhaled air, force your mind to descend into the heart and to remain there.  ~Nicephorus the Solitary

 Now — tell me, how was your Christmas? What did you do? Did you have a good New Years? Do you make resolutions or do you pick words or phrases for the year? Please drop a comment and let me know. Thanks.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved. January 1, 2012. No goods or services were given in exchange for quoting Anne Lamott — I just totally dig her vibe as an author – thought you might too. — and yes son, I really used the words “dig’ and “Vibe” in a blog post. HA!

Top Tenish: My Top Influencers of 2011

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This is the last post I have for 2011. I’m on vacation with my family for the rest of the year. Rather than end the year with an inventory like I usually do, I thought I’d share with you the top ten people or things that influenced me this year. Outside of my inner circle of course – those relationships I keep sacred and are not for this blog. You know who you are. (Rena!–love you)

Corporate America taught me to surround myself with people who are where I want to be, whether it’s a year from now, 5 years from now or 10 years from now and learn. I’m relational to the core – with the exception of the first two, I’ve actually met everyone else listed. Again though – they are not my inner circle, but they do have an influence on my life and my choices. These are the feet I sit at from a social network perspective. In no particular order, I offer you the people who  influenced me the most in 2011. If you aren’t reading these people, you are missing out on a great adventure.

  • The Blog Post that set the tone and had the most influence on my choices for 2011 – Living a Good Story, an Alternative to New Years Resolutions by Donald Miller.  Donald made  me think about my life. What do I want? Am I willing to overcome conflict to get it? He also wrote the worst woman haters blog piece I’ve ever read in my life, which teaches me that everything has a balance. Nobody is perfect.
  • Author and Poet laureate Molly Fisk: I met Molly online via a mutual friend. Molly teaches Poetry Boot camp and Finding your Voice. I spent six of the most amazing weeks learning about voice with nine other women. Molly’s encouragement, kind instruction, and great advice brought the poet in me alive again.
  •  Gail Hyatt, married to Micheal Hyatt (see below) is a blogger at: Treasure Hunt. Her posts touch my woman’s heart. Gail raised five girls while I raised two boys. Gail isn’t famous nor does she seem to want to be, though I could be wrong. She is a wife, a mother, a daughter, a bible teacher and a friend to others. She is by far and large a better wife than I. I learn a lot from her. Her posts look beneath the surface of human relationships and the heart of family. Gail’s influence on me is one of a calming femininity, trust in life and in God. She is one of my favorite reads.
  •  Chonda Pierce is probably my favorite woman on the planet. She’s funny, super sweet, and has a heart of gold. I met Chonda in 2003 at Women of Faith and now work/volunteer as one of her National Turbos. It is a pleasure and a joy to help promote her ministry. The video below is a trailer to her video This Ain’t Prettyville. Several of us went to the taping in Nashville a couple of years ago and had the time of our lives. Chonda is near and dear to my heart and has played a huge role in helping me find myself again now that my kids are grown. I got to put my Turbo skills to work again this year when she came to Tulsa. Watching her grow as a person and as an artist has really given me the courage to do the same. — I’m in two (to be released next year) motion  pictures because of her encouragement.
  • Ken Davis: Best Selling Author. Motivational Speaker. He’s a gifted comedian and a master storyteller. They showed one of his videos called Super Sheep at a woman’s retreat back in 1995.  I laughed until I cried and then forgot about him for ten years. — Now, I own his full library. I’ve seen him speak live and I’ve personally invested in several of Mr. Davis’s speaking seminars. They are informative, to the point, a lot of fun, and wildly successful. I got far more than I bargained for when I went to my first conference of his back in 2009. I wanted to learn about speaking and I’ve learned so much more. Not only has Mr Davis’s conferences helped teach me to be a better speaker, through his blog he’s helped me learn how to be a better liver of life. He’s why I decided to ride in the MS 150 in 2012 – the guy is 63 and has ridden in triathlons for heaven’s sake. For those of you who have followed me all these years you know how terrified I was just to be at the seminar back in 2009. Times have changed. He also taught me to live with nothing to prove, nothing hide, and nothing to lose. This year, I’ve learned about living a life of expectancy instead of expectation.
  • Michael Hyatt helps people live and lead on purpose. He’s a father, a husband, an in-demand speaker, as well as a published author. He is also the chairman of Nelson Publishing. When I met Mr Hyatt at a speakers conference in Nashville back in 2009, I was so intimidated by his position (and my desire at the time to work for Nelson) that I turned into a walking lobotomy. He gave a presentation on how to get published and writing queries that sell and I was thrilled to be there. Nelson Publishing is the group that puts on Women of Faith. At the time, I wanted to give back what they gave me and be a part of great change in the world. I don’t work for Nelson, may never work for them and that’s okay. Today, I read Mr Hyatt because of posts like this one: The Blessings of Discomfort. and I’m moved  beyond myself to a bigger picture.  He writes on intentional leadership, speaking, social networking, and life in general.
  • Janel Brookshire from Stay in the Saddle: Janel is teaching me how to ride horses. Jo is part of my inner circle, but I am going to write about her just a little bit here. She is a cowgirl through and through. An excellent writer and a great teacher. She and her husband own the Cactus Bars Ranch in Claremore Oklahoma and have a love for life like none other. I was a bit of an emotional mess when I first started taking lessons from Jo last winter. (family issue) Riding made all the difference. Seriously. Can’t tell you why, only that it did. Tuesday mornings are my favorite time of the week. Stay in the Saddle isn’t the name of the program, but rather a result of the philosophies taught there. I feel free when I ride. And because of Jo, I got to ride horseback in the jungles of Belize last Spring and had the time of my life. Today we are learning barrel racing (albeit slowly) and soon I’ll be jumping and roping cattle – maybe, I don’t trust myself with rope, but who knows. Anything is possible.

What a journey y’all. This time seven years ago I was grieving more losses than this heart could imagine. Today, I’ve learned how to trust again, how to love again, how to breathe again, and how to live again. I owe that to the wonderful people who’ve come in my life over the years. Seven years is a complete cycle. I’m not sure how I feel about this cycle ending. But end it must. 2012 begins a new season, new chances, and new adventures.

This year is over. I declare it complete.

Merry Christmas and have a wonderful New Year.

LIVE – Love/Laughter, Inspire, Volunteer, Excercise