Category: Redemption’s Heart – pieces of my story

Putting Kindness to the Test

Deana2 Comments

one day you finally knew what you had to do,

and began.

though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice,

though the whole house began to tremble

and you felt the old tug at your ankles,

 “mend my life!” – each voice cried,

but you didn’t stop you knew what you had to do.

though the wind pried with its stiff finger at the very foundations,

though their melancholy was terrible,

it was already late enough and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen branches & stones.

 but little by little as you left their voices behind

the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds.

 and there was a new voice which you suddenly recognized as your own

and that kept you company as you strode deeper into the world,

determined to do the only thing you could do,

determined to save the only life you could save. – mary oliver

I love Mary Oliver, her voice is expectant and hopeful.

Where 2010 brought sickness, rest, and healing, 2011 is bringing many new things into light. I cannot mend another’s life, I can only tend to my own. Knowing that has been far more healing these past few days than I expected.

One of the things I am tending to is rather than leave you with half-finished stories and incomplete thoughts, I’ve decided to cut back on how often I post. I didn’t give you my best last year, and I’ve decided that 2011 is no year for table scraps for anyone.

A funny thing happened today while I was sitting here writing. I opened my eyes to look at the piled up things of stuff surrounding me. The Christmas tree boxes, decorations, scraps of paper, and empty boxes waiting to be filled. I’m surrounded in the chaos that comes with having two homes and not fully letting go of a holiday. Everything is in transition, either waiting to be taken to the lake house or to be put away or thrown out and I’m smack in the middle of unfinished business.

I was considering leaving it all for another day while I continue to find ways to mend that which isn’t my own and a voice whispered in my spirit – “Is this really how you treat my home?”

You would have thought my husband said that, but he didn’t. He’s kindly and gently side-stepped this now visual image of how cluttered I’ve allowed my insides to become. Most men would be apoplectic by now.  I had to stop and really think – is this how I treat someone I love? He’s even-tempered, kind to a point that I don’t always understand – and trust me when I tell you he is the nicer of the two of us. I’m putting that kindness to the test, taking it for granted when he really doesn’t deserve that.

So, having said that – I have two homes to put in order and won’t be here as often as I was. I hope you understand.

Ministering to the Victim (The first listening matters)- fixed

Deana2 Comments

Sorry about yesterdays faux pas with this post – my technical knowledge hit the internet wall of doom.

Madeleine L’Engle writes – “I look back at my mother’s life and I see suffering deepening and strengthening it. In some people I have also seen it destroy. Pain is not always creative; received wrongly, it can lead to alcoholism and madness and suicide. Nevertheless, without it we do not grow.” – Walking on Water.

I’ve been pondering a question lately. Well several questions if you really must know, but one more than another these days. I’ve pondered this so much in fact, that I’ve lost sense of the original thought.

Have you ever done that. Thought about something for so long and so hard that you forgot what you were really thinking about? If not – lucky you – if so, welcome to my world.

The question began simple enough – Why is it easier for us to forgive the victim than it is to believe something less than desirable about a friend or a peer.

That question led to another

If no one believes the victim, and rather than being protected she is discounted and then forgiven, have we compounded her pain? Are we victimizing her yet again?

If we come across such a woman who has been doubly wounded – and we will if we are paying attention and really listening – how can we as women or as ministry hands, bring her back to a place of creative strength.

Pain received wrongly can lead to madness, I know because I’ve been there – fortunately for me – the trip was short-lived – I found my “gumption” as my grandmother used to call it. That get-upness that comes from either my Irish genes or remembering my heritage and hearing my grandmother’s voice in my ears telling me to get up. My grandmother had gumption coming out her ears – while she did go down from time to time, she never stayed there.

Small town living is different from our busy lives today. Back then women surrounded each other and spoke healing and truth until we got our gumption back. Today? We walk as lonely travelers more often than not. schizophrenic voices crying from street corners, desperate to be heard – every time someone walks past – deaf to the cry – the madness grows deeper.

Knowing the mirror I used to look into, I now see other faces who seem almost on the verge of madness themselves – pain received wrongly. Someone has to stop and listen.

I read blogs like Flowerdust, Randy Elrod and Carlos Whittaker, who dare ask those painful questions – where have you been wounded. You should see the responses – it’ll break your heart. They are the listeners – the stopping point. A place where madness meets grace, and healing begins.

What gives them the courage to ask? They’ve tasted the same double edge sword of being victimized, discounted and forgiven – someone listened to them.

Which circles back now to my first thought – why is it easier to forgive a victim than believe a less than desirable truth about a friend or colleague? – I don’t know – but it is. False accusations abound and we have to be discerning and sometimes we blow it, pure and simple.

And more personally – even if we do blow it from time to time – how can we as ministry leaders be listeners to another person’s truth?

For me I see three points – you may see others.

Ask: Where have you been wounded?

Listen to their answer without discounting their reality however it’s perceived.

Affirm: I’m sorry that happened to you. – this first listening is not the place to say “are you sure that happened to you?”

One of my favorite quotes from Group is “thank you for sharing, next.” – Being heard matters more than you know. Those three simple steps do more to calm the voices screaming to be heard than you can possibly imagine.

Being heard – is a wonderful step in ministering to victims.

Can we begin by asking that same question? Where have you been wounded? and then shut up and let them talk. When they are finished, can we tell them “I’m sorry that happened to you.” – Can we be an affirming voice first and foremost.  

The rest will come – the healing, finding a place to forgive, remembering to get back up – We can’t be the only person to listen to them – for some people they’ll need more help than we can give, and we can refer as needed. There is much work to be done that we cannot do on their behalf, in order for pain to be fully served – we at least however, give them a launching pad to try therr wings.

Thoughts?

Something for God To Do

DeanaLeave a comment

My earlier post on Ministering to the Victim is experiencing technical difficulites and I’ve taken it down until I can figure out what I did wrong – I’m sorry for the confusion. In it’s stead I offer Something for God to Do. Have a great y’all.

S.F.G.T.D.
(Something For God To Do)

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours.Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don’t despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

–Author unknown.

Behold, I make all things new

Deana3 Comments

2011 has already been off to a wonderful start. We began by celebrating a 50th birthday with friends on Friday and on Sunday we celebrated another friend’s 50th wedding anniversary. It’s a year of Jubilee — what a gift. Leviticus 25 proclaims the 50th year as a year of holiness and rest.

Three things jump out at me when I read this chapter of Leviticus. The Bible speaks of the Year of Jubilee as  a year of  redemption of things lost or sold because of poverty. It also speaks of kindness to others and freedom from bondage.

These are three great thoughts as we face the new year together.

Some things to think about:

1. REDEMPTION: What things, ideas, values, et all have we sold off over the years because of our own spiritual poverty? Relationships, truth/honesty, health, self-respect? How can we return to those right, meet, and salutary things this year. How can God help us restore those broken places?

2. KINDNESS: Can you think of a way to extend kindness to others this year? It doesn’t have to be complicated. It can be a smile, a warm hello, or maybe even volunteering at a soup kitchen once a month. – what random act of kindness can you share?

3. FREEDOM: In this passage, we are talking about bond servants or slaves who are set free — is there anything holding you back from experiencing all that God has in store for you? Are there places of bondage that you need to be released from? Is there forgiveness, hurt, anger, or fears that you are hanging onto? Now would be a good time to let go of those things. Can you write out a prayer asking God help to break those chains?

Let us make this a Jubilee Year all the way around and celebrate the gifts of God.

Remembering Gilda, Second City, and Second Chances

Deana6 Comments
Gilda Radner 1946-1989

While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die – whether it is our spirit, our creativity or our glorious uniqueness. Gilda Radner

The year is 1987. I am 22 years old, living in Chicago and sitting in the parking lot of Second City, comedy Mecca for a midwestern gal like me.  All I have to do is get out of my car and walk up to the front door and apply for a job. Simple really, and yet not.

I already have a day job and I talk myself out of going inside.

If I could go sit in the car with my 22-year-old self, I’d drag her through that front door today. I mean, what was I thinking?

Comedy was my dream. I spent years laying on my living room floor in the 70’s, watching Saturday Night Live. I thought Gilda Radner walked on water. I studied every nuance about her and memorized every line, every delivery, every movement. I wanted to be on Saturday Night Live more than I wanted to live. She came up through Second City in Canada, I would do it in Chicago.

By 1983, I had been in a few plays, and was already studying under a professional circus clown. While most of my friends were going off to college, we couldn’t afford a university and my grades were no where close enough for a scholarship. So, I figured I’d spend a year in clown college, three years with the circus and then move to Chicago, audition for Second City, and that would be that. It’s the hard way, I wouldn’t be classically trained, but it would be worth it.

Only that isn’t what happened.

A kid from the wrong side of the tracks,with absolutely no self-esteem wanting to make good in this world, can sell a dream in a heart beat if the bid is right. And it was. Money, security and status pushed those dreams right out of my head, but never out of my heart.

At my mother’s request I put off clown college for two years of business school. Not an unwise decision, I could always fall back on the education if I so chose. I could go to clown college after business school. Only I didn’t. Once I graduated from business school, I moved to Chicago. Clown College was quickly becoming a distant memory.

Sprint Communications offered me my own data room at 22. A data room with computers the size of my refrigerator that process as much information in a week as my boy’s Ipods do in a day. I was making $19,500 in 1987, almost double what my mother made in a year. You can’t survive in Chicago on that, but I did and by 1988, I was making almost $30,000 a year. Triple what my mom used to make.

That’s why I didn’t get out of my car.

 I sold my dream for an IBM mainframe and the prestige of having some feminist group put me in their who’s who of women. I was already making more money than my mother ever did. I thought for sure if I kept this up, I’d finally arrive and feel like I belong. I’d prove to the world that I was somebody.

Little did I know that self-esteem cannot be bought and I already was somebody I just hadn’t met her yet.

to be continued… eventually.

When I feel like it.

Really.

 I’m kinda like that you know.

The More Things Change a Look Back at 2010

Deana3 Comments

I ended 2009 with a see through blouse and 50 un-mailed Christmas cards. 2010 ended about the same way when I met the Osmonds. (Trust me when I say that a white bra and a black blouse do not make for a good photo-op.)  Some lessons need to be learned more than once I suppose.

One lesson that does not need to be relearned is the need for personal inventories. I try to use my prayer and journal time at night to inventory my day. I look for areas I did well as well as areas of my day where I fell short of the mark. As night closes I declare my day complete and rest in God’s forgiveness.

Our pastor even spoke on the need to take a personal inventory at the end of the year. Search my heart oh God and create a clean spirit within me.

Why do a personal inventory, you may ask. An inventory takes stock of where we are and where we need to go. It weighs the choices of our lives, and shows us the fill marks and gaps of our spirit. A personal inventory isn’t just an accounting of good vs bad, it’s a fuel gauge for tomorrow. An inventory shows us what we need to let go of, and what we need more of in the year to come. It lightens the load making traveling easier.

This is not the time to be frugal my friends. Last year’s emotional coat will not do for 2011. It’s outdated, it’s threadbare and ragged. It’s full of holes from fret, worry, and sin. It’s knees and elbows are blown clean out. We cannot travel the road ahead when we are being weighed down by the past. It isn’t even substantial enough to keep out winter’s chill.

No. We need to leave the rags of this year at the feet of Christ before we can wear the glorious robes he has for us in 2011. Robes of freedom, grace, forgiveness, and mercy. He trades in our tears and our hurts for  garments of praise and laughter – no matter how long it takes for them to arrive, we need to let go of our threadbare coats of yesterday.

According to my sight log, people are searching for How to Let Go, How to Say I’m Sorry, and What their Identity in Christ is. Those are my top posts every year. They were important to me, which is why I wrote them, but even more so I can see they are important to others as well. Inventories teach us how to let go, when to say I’m sorry and who we are in Christ. Inventories are good things.

As the year closes, I take a much larger personal inventory and again declare the year complete – clean slate, ready to start anew.  I personally use an inventory system that I learned in Al-Anon many years ago. We borrow this method of personal inventories from Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s by far and large the most thorough one I’ve ever found.

This system covers Four Main Topics:

  1. Resentments:  Click Here for Spreadsheet
  2. Fears: Click Here for Spreadsheet
  3. Sex   Click Here for Spreadsheet (for married’s this is a good place to look at whether or not you used sex as a weapon this year – I mean really, how many headaches can a woman get, you know? – or what about escaping through romance novels, flirtations, porn, day dreaming, or emotional affairs?)
  4. Harm to Others Click Here for Spreadsheet
  5. Food and Diet issues: This one does not have a spread sheet. I’m presently in a Bible study regarding food issues. Things I would include is frequency of exercise, diet pills, laxatives, bingeing, purging.. those sort of things. Everything I fell to this past summer.

This system may be a bit much for most people, and it is one that really should be worked through with a mentor. If you’d like more information on how to do this type of personal and fearless moral inventory please see http://www.step12.com/step-4.html.

I strongly suggest everyone do this kind of personal inventory at least once in their lives. It’s astounding.

I offered a different type of inventory last year, one I learned from Michael Hyatt.  This one is much lighter and is good as well. I’ll give you a light version of mine – I’ve left the more private details off.

If the last year were a movie of your life, what would the genre be? Drama, romance, adventure, comedy, tragedy, or a combination?

  • Combination

What were the two or three major themes that kept recurring? These can be single words or phrases. For me, they were:

2009

  • Giving my family wings
  • Learning to use my own wings
  • Learning to get along with less and enjoying it more

2010

  • Growing Roots – Having moved over 20 times in my life, I often feel rootless. This year I have been able to  connect with friends from back home in Redford. Having people in my life today, that I’ve known since sixth grade, is settling and freeing all at once. This is a new gift and I love it.
  • Trusting God More
  • Spiritual Growth

 What did you accomplish this past year that you are the most proud of? These can be in any area of your life—spiritual, relational, vocational physical, etc. Be as specific as possible.

2009

  • Going to the Professional Communicator’s Summit as well as DCW with my husband
  • Coming out of the fear closet if you will and admitting I want to do stand up comedy and trying not to worry what people think about that.
  • Performing live comedy in front of some of my greatest heroes at CCA. I was terrified, but did not die.
  • Opening for Dan McGowan
  • Resigning from the Ablaze Church Mission Board – — It was time to move on. Ablaze is now established as a satellite location of our home congregation Our Savior Lutheran Church. I’m very proud of what we accomplished. By next year they will be looking at opening a pre-school and calling a full time pastor. Knowing I played a part in God’s overall plan for that congregation thrills me and humbles me all at once. It was an awesome three years.

2010

  • I auditioned for my first major motion picture movie.
  • I met and connected with a legitimate local casting company
  • I interviewed agents (making a decision and hiring one in first quarter of 2011)

　What do you feel you should have been acknowledged for but weren’t?

Leaving this one blank here — but it’s a good question to ask and think about.

What disappointments or regrets did you experience this past year? As leaders, we naturally have high expectations of ourselves and others. Where did you let yourself down? Where did you let others down?

Deleted 2010 here as those issues were forgiven and let go of.

2010

  • Being sick on my back for six months and having a partial hysterectomy
  • Caving in to fear and abusing over the counter diet pills and laxatives
  • I didn’t perform live as often as I wanted because of illness.

What was missing from last year as you look back? Again, look at each major area of your life. Don’t focus now on having to do anything about it. For now, just list each item. Here is my list:

  • Spiritual connection. I felt dried up, even though I was studying high liturgy and other things of God, the connection with Christ just didn’t seem to be there. I spent most of 2011 in my head.

What were the major life-lessons you learned this past year? Boil this down to a few short, pithy statements. Interestingly, I’m leaving some of last year’s here as well.

  • A life without something to dream and pursue creates bitterness. It is better to pursue a dream and fall short than to hide your heart and fall asleep.
  • I can make a fool out of myself and actually live to tell about it. Meeting the Osmonds in a see through blouse on accident, did not rob me of the joy of having met them finally. I’ve learned to lighten up. NEAT!
  • People are in far more pain than I can ever imagine – especially if they are pastors. Grace for the road means a lot.
  • Love me for a reason – is more than just a signature song. It should be a way of life.

　And there you have it, my personal inventory for 2011. It doesn’t really matter which method you use, there are many available. All that matters is you at least try to do one and in the end, give it over and declare the year complete.

Have a blessed New Years my friends. See you in 2011

“This year is over. I declare it complete!”

 

People Who Love My Blog

Deana4 Comments

While researching my blog statistics to determine my top posts for 2010, I discovered that I have a rather eclectic following. Among my friends from high school, college, family, and pastors wives can be found others as well. This other category is rather eclectic. And so I would like to thank everyone who has read or commented in 2010. A tongue in cheek look if you will.

Thank you:

Pastors & Pastor’s Wives, I appreciate you. – I really do. You guys help me stay real and hopefully I’m able to share some really cool resources as I find them. I hope anyway. You guys have the most difficult job I know.

There are also the Pastor’s Watchdogs who go back and tell other pastors that I’m doing it wrong. I appreciate you as well, believe it or not.

Thank you friends and family from Michigan, as well as elsewhere in the US, you know who you are and I really do appreciate you.

Thank you to the Pentagon who has been on my page at least twice this year. As an only child, I’ve always wanted a big brother.

Thank you Komrads from Russia – without you I would not know I need to drink more tea.

Thank you Africa for your missionaries and those who wish to give me an inheritance.

Thank you PX90 for telling me I need you, every day, all year-long — stop it already, you’re giving me a complex.

Thank you all for telling me how I can win the lottery, bed a girl a day, lose weight, manage my money, drink tea, bet on races, move to Vegas, buy prescription drugs, and everything else a girl needs to know in this day and age.

Thank you everyone who has taken time out of their day to come read what I have to say. I’m blessed humbled, and thankful for you all. Have a very blessed Christmas.

REPOST: The Great Rabbit Rescue

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It sounded like a gun shot. And then another, and another. I thought war had broken out in Tulsa. Looking out our bedroom window we can see stripped and broken trees covering our yard. My beautiful trees are no more. All of our trees, save one, fell victim to the ice storm of 2007.

Amid the sounds of branches falling during the night, it also grew obvious to my husband and to me that our youngest son was not going to let us sleep until we rescued his rabbit. Oreo, lived in a hutch underneath what was our tall and beautiful Bradford pear in the back yard.

Grabbing the foot of our bed, our son became bound and determined to rouse us into greater empathy than parents usually possess at 3 am. Empathy not forthcoming, he chose to shake our bed violently and scream until we had no choice but to either put him down, or rescue the rabbit.

After some debate, we rescued the rabbit.

Wearing snow boots and bathrobes, the three of us ventured out into the icy night. I carried a candle for light, while Jeff and I carefully traversed the buried yard. Stepping over branches and around others we made our way to what used to be Oreo’s dwelling. Our tree, Oreo’s shelter, was stripped back like a banana peel. Carefully moving the bent and hanging branches, we found that not one fallen branch had touched her hutch. All of the branches had created a protective cave around her home. Oreo was unharmed. It was an amazing sight.

The consummate story collector, I wanted to go back for my camera but thought better of it. Instead, Jeff reached in to free a very grateful bunny and we made our way back to the house. The joy in our son’s eyes as he held his beloved pet made the whole adventure worth it.

It’s cold in Tulsa right now. Temperatures are below zero at night, and we’ve once again rescued our rabbit and brought her indoors for safety.

Another snow storm hit Tulsa this year and all Christmas services had been cancelled throughout the city. It just didn’t feel like Christmas without church and I missed it. Grace Lutheran was holding their Christmas Eve service on Epiphany. Grace is not our home church, but I wanted to go. I wanted to celebrate Christmas even if it was a few days late.

During the service they did what they call the “Procession of the Gospel.” I don’t recall ever seeing that before. It is very high church, and not necessarily something more “modern” churches like mine do anymore. Acolytes carried the cross and candles, while the pastor came down the center aisle with the bible. This processional stopped right next to our pew. It was there that the gospel was read.

Like a child, I relentlessly tugged on my husband’s sleeve asking what they were doing and why. High Liturgy is not something I’m familiar with. It was moving, and beautiful. The tears in his eyes caught me by surprise. “Immanuel. God with us.” is all he said.

By coming down into the crowd, so to speak, to read the Gospel, we are reminded that God himself traveled dangerous terrain to rescue us. We are reminded that He is not some distant and untouchable figure way out there. He doesn’t need a child to shake his bed to come get us. He just did. It was dangerous and it was scandalous. And it was necessary.

He is with us.

In the center of it all.

Yesterday.

Today.

And tomorrow.

Again and again,

calling us,

 protecting us,

saving us.

He is Immanuel.

We Are Not Consumed

Deana4 Comments

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” ~ Lamentations 3:22-23

I’ve seen that scripture verse no less than ten times in three days. It’s popping up everywhere — and maybe for good reason. It’s loaded with promise not only for me, but for my friends who are hurting, and for everyone else.

It’s easy to feel consumed by:

Expectations – both of ourselves and of others. It doesn’t matter if these expectations are realistic or not. They weigh on us.

Responsibilities: For family, job, ministry, life. We carry heavy burdens of responsibility and sometimes think we have to carry it alone.

Fear – Of the unknown, the future, the past catching up with us.

Guilt or Shame: Hidden sin or secrets.

Grief: — Hurts over the loss of a loved one. The death of a marriage. The pain of hurt feelings from a friend.

Anger: – Whether righteous anger or anger caused by hurts, misunderstandings, or unmet needs.

The list can go on, but all of us can can feel consumed by many things. The great thing about this promise is that God’s love for us keeps that from happening. His compassion for us, even in the face of the loss of compassion in ourselves or from others, never fails us.

Every day is a new day for hope, for strength, for healing, and forgiveness. And the best part, it doesn’t matter if that day starts at 5:00 am, or at 3:30 in the afternoon. We get to start our days over whenever we need to.

Maybe you need a restart today. If so, why not take a minute and say a prayer.