Personal Foul: 15 Yard Penalty Repeat First Down

January 10, 2012January 10, 2012 Deana7 Comments

Him: What is your son studying in college?

Me: Engineering.

Him: Wow that’s a tough program.

Me: Yep. He got his Dad’s intelligence and my love for art.

TWEEEET!!!!!!!

Personal Foul, 15 yard penalty, repeat first down.

I just told that man I thought I was stupid!

UHG…

Have you ever listened, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y listened to what you say about yourself to others?

I’m so clumsy.

I’m forgetful.

I’m Whiney.

I’m not smart.

Brilliant me forgot to log miles last month. (Just posted that one yesterday. Ouch)

On and on an on I go.

I wonder what would happen if we could have an NFL referee following us around, listening to us speak and throwing flags every time we put ourselves down. Wouldn’t that be a trip.

Okay, I’m not a referee, although I do have a really cool whistle from my coaching days. And I can’t follow you around. BUT I can re-read my old posts and man I put myself down a lot. So much so that I seriously considered pulling my blog this week. It has been painful reading let me tell you. Self effacing humor is not humility. At least not the way I do it.

So, I’ve decided to keep a log on my iPad. I’m going to pay attention to what I say and every time I complain about myself, put myself down or make a snarky remark I’m going to log it and replace it with a truth statement. I going to breathe some life into these dead bones of my self-esteem. If I am not my own best friend, who will be?

And I’m going to start with what I told that man. – I’m an intelligent artist.

Okay – just for fun or exorcism, either way. Won’t you please comment and tell us one lie you tell about yourself and replace it with a truth statement? Ready? Go.

Monday Update: Cycle Date 09 and counting

January 9, 2012January 11, 2012 Deana3 Comments

I fully planned on keeping track of how many miles I ride on my new bike, and did not do that last year, therefore I figure it best to start over and track from the first of this year. That would be easier.

Cycle Date 09 — as in January 9, 2012 I have ridden ZERO miles since the first of the year because my bike is still at the lake and I am back in the burbs. I plan on fixing that on Tuesday when I go out for my horseback riding lessons. The weather is promising to be far too beautiful this week to miss riding. That and I got a post card – and a twitter message – reminding me to bring my bike back for its 30 day check up. I should probably put a few more miles on it before I do that. While I’m there I will purchase a helmet and gloves and ask them to please remove those toe strap things that keep making me fall over because I forget they are there.

While I may not have ridden last week, I am at least down 3.5 lbs since the first. That’s good, right? Losing the weight was easy.

I’m out of cookies and egg nog.
I’m back to cooking fish, chicken and veggies.
I have not had a bite of red meat in almost 9 days.
I’m also thinking about Juicing, but I’m not convinced on that one yet. If I try it, I will be sure to let y’all know.

I promise not to spend 2012 writing ad nauseum about my cycling adventures. I do however want to keep an online journal about it. So if you don’t mind – I’ll post updates on Mondays.

This keeps me accountable
It might inspire someone else.

I don’t know about you, but it’s easy for me to read about people like Lance Armstrong, or whomever and think “Oh sure, they are professionally trained, of course they can do x.” — and thereby discount myself from the race. I still read about Lance, follow LiveStrong, read Iron Man Spence Smith’s Blog, and what not. But I also read about every day Joes like Sprinting the Bell Lap (See Blogroll) and Ken Davis and feel encouraged. Kind of like if they can do it, well then so can I.

I would love to find a female cycling enthusiast who blogs, but I haven’t yet. So I read the guys and that is okay.

There is a great post by Spence Smith on Three Steps to Buying Your First Bike. Honestly, I wish he’d written it before I got mine. Then again, I was encouraged when I read it because it turns out I did a lot of things right. — He’s a credible athlete with great advice. Go ahead and read him.

Happy Monday Y’all.

Deana

Friday Funny – I’m not a morning person

January 6, 2012 Deana4 Comments

Rumor has it there are people who wake up, shower, and even dress before drinking coffee. There are even people who don’t drink coffee at all, or so I’m told. I do not trust people like that. I need a cup of coffee just to turn on the coffee maker. I might have a problem. It took me three cups of coffee just to work up the wherewithal to call my doctor this morning just to tell them I cannot make my appointment. THE appointment that I set four months ago because I really need to talk to him about something and don’t want to wait until my annual in September. And I had to cancel. Why? Because our new dog ate my glasses and I cannot drive without them. Three cups of coffee did not make me feel any less of a moron about calling. Just sayin’.

I know that I made several neurotic references to my premeditative state of possibly bailing on this appointment anyway, but I really was planning on going. I like him. More or less. As far as doctors go anyway. I only get neurotic because I have to deal with so many different doctors all at once. I miss the day when I could go to one doctor for everything. Not anymore. Everyone is specialized now. Add to that, I’m a caretaker of many people. Between Mom’s COPD (She’s in her last year probably), Dillon’s Epilepsy, and my In-Laws cancer (they’ve now passed), I’ve logged a few thousand hours in the doctor’s office. Therefore, I tend to avoid them even if it’s for me. I have made a committment to improve on that. Caretakers absolutely suck at taking care of themselves, don’t we.

The laugh is on me though. Instead of seeing one doctor, I now get to go see the eye doctor instead and get my glasses replaced. (it’s only two miles away) Probably should pick up a second pair to hide in my bra drawer just in case the puppy eats those as well. I live in a houseful of men — want to hide something you don’t want them to see? Put it in your bra drawer. Works every time. Not even a child dying to know what you got him for Christmas will look in there.

Hope you guys are having a great friday. I’ve got U2 on the stereo and I’m organizing the new space. Looking forward to the rest of the month.

Be Well

Be Happy

and don’t forget to Breathe.

Best,

Deana

A Really Cheesey Poem from 1982

January 5, 2012 Deana2 Comments

Drinking from dry wells is a waste of time and energy. Poetic interpretation is as much about the state of mind of the reader as it is the writer. Huge shakers full of salt grains really do come in handy when laying your heart on the line. I remember sitting in the school library on October 27, 1982 writing the following poem. Moved by the beauty of the frost outside the window as well as the reality that my old life, high school, was ending and having spent the previous year in Sweden I was more than ready to get on with living. My heart and my mind traveled ahead while my body endured one last winter. — contrary to my mother’s belief that this was a poem about suicide (she almost put me in therapy), it is really about coming of age and the importance of waiting.

And I Wait for Spring

Morning frost covers the ground,

remnants of the night’s cold.

The crimson sun shines brightly, illuminating the morning.

Leaves shed their disguise of green and take on colors

which are better seen silhouetted again the pale blue sky of day.

The sun shines on the parade of wonderous colors

preparing for time of painted sleep.

The bubbling brook once fast and full of life

slows its course to better carry

winters burden.

A joining of life and placid rest

A time of time of celebration and endings

waiting for a new beginning.

And so this is New Year

January 4, 2012 Deana4 Comments

I read once that the trick to getting over the blank page hump is to write three or four sentances.

I’m not sure if it works.

But I thought I’d give it a try.

And lo, I’m writing.

Happy New Year you guys. Did you know that Mayans did not believe the world was going to end in 2012? They calendared Eras not years. To them 2012 signifies the ending of an era of darkness and begins the era of light. I rather like that thought, don’t you?

This is my very first alone time moment in three weeks that does not involve napping to shut the world out or showers. I have a puppy that won’t even let me pee alone without busting down the door to save me but she will let me shower alone, thankfully. Right now my oldest is sleeping, hubs is working and youngest is at school for another 30 minutes. I better make the most of it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family beyond measure. I’m also an introvert. (or INFJ according to Meyers Briggs) Alone time is crucial to my ET. (Emotional Temperature.)

I’m sitting at my new desk, looking around my office and I’m filled with joy and fear all at once. So many possibilities lay ahead. It’s finally put together – mostly. We painted the walls, hung the pictures and brought up the furnature. So far I love it. Just don’t ask what the rest of my house looks like.

I have learned that self-effacing humor does not always translate well in the literary sense. Despite my initial neurotic rantings about how I came to choose my word for the year (breathe) I actually like the possibilities that it opens. I’m only day four into the new year and I’ve already found great moments to practice my breathing.

When my togetherness threshold meets one more day of vacation than I anticipate, I need to breathe.– Everyone, and I do mean EVERY one in my house has a different idea on how to spend the day. — I want to clean the house, put away Christmas, do laundry and put away all our stuff from the lake that is still laying throughout the main level of our home. My boys want to film their newest epic movie with friends at our house (which is a mess). And my husband wants to complete the transfer of rooms, which involves the moving of furniture and the placing of more boxes throughout the hall and house. I never did get my house clean. I did however at least get Christmas put away.

When I finally step on the scale (first time since Thanksgiving) I discover that I am UP 13 pounds. – I need to breathe.

When I tell my husband I’m cancelling my Friday Drs appt because I’m up 13 pounds oh and yeah, I accidentally followed the guy’s racing team on twitter over break and well can I just find a new doctor? (I’m neurotic like that) — He practices breathing. No go on cancelling, he made me promise I’d keep the appointment.

When I find out my new dental bridge costs $1006 out-of-pocket because of our deductible – I need to breathe.

And finally when I have my short me time, I practice breathing in the possibilities of the year to come. My next choice can determine the outcome of 2012. Taking the time to breathe before I act helps me choose well.

I’ve been reading your posts. Seems everyone is excited about 2012 as I am. Many of you have new words or phrases for the year. That’s exciting. So, what goals do you have to 2012? What steps do you plan on taking in January to get you there? I’d love to hear from you.

Just Breathe

January 1, 2012January 1, 2012 Deana3 Comments

He (sic My father) used to hold his breath and pass out on the streets of Tokyo where his parents were Presbyterian Missionaries. I think he was a little angry: Held breath is the ultimate withholding; you’re not taking anything in, you’re not putting anything out. – Anne Lamott, Plan B Futher Thoughts on Faith.

Has it really come to this?

Freud will have a field day.

I’m having a field day.

Every year I pray and meditate and choose a new word, or scripture verse or phrase for the coming year. After two weeks of semi-fasting from the internet, prayer, retreat, and journaling THE word that resounds in my deepest of spirit for 2012 is “Breathe.”

It’s not that I’m disappointed really , okay maybe a little, it’s just that most years my phrases have been, well I’ll just say it, more encouraging than something as simple as “breathe.”

Here is an example of what I mean:

2003 when I just began working in a church -– Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
2004 (Isaiah 41:9) – “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’: I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
2005 – My word was forgiveness and letting go. It was truthfully a year spent grieving the loss of friends through death and learning how to forgive others. It was a dark night of the soul kind of year for me. I deleted all my writings and former blogs and got about the busy work of recovering from severe depression.
2006 – “Baptize me, oh Lord, to the criticism of man, that I might one day become immune to it.” – Beth Moore
2007 – Hebrews 10:35-36 – “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded, you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.”
2008 – Romans 31-39 – “in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
January 1, 2009 – Ephesians 3:17-19. “I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” – that was a year of exploring what it meant to LIVE with Intention. A year of celebration. It was also the year that I started doing stand up comedy and intentionally studying and growing my gifts/abilities as a speaker.
2010 – “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.” – I spent a year studying ancient liturgy under the auspices of a local pastor and reading authors such as St Augustine.
2011 – Live with Intention which for me translated to Love/Laughter Inspiration Volunteering Encouragement/excercise. – okay notsomuch on the exercise thing, but the rest – I totally nailed that.
2012 – I get one word. Breathe.

I’m not really amused. My ego wants something grander or more grand whichever than breathe. I want something that will make people stand on their heads and listen to me as if I were EF Hutton himself. “Breathe.” feels so bourgeois really. So ordinary. I’m an artist and a poet, I don’t want to be ordinary I want to be captivating. Shooting a loving smile at my artsy fartsy neurotically insecure yet comical self – Grown up me responds – Yeah well suck it up baby girl — you get to be real this year. Welcome to planet earth. – Grown up me can be a real downer sometimes can’t she?

When I think about it though, it’s actually pretty deep. Held breath IS the ultimate withholding just like Anne writes. I can’t help but wonder, how often do you or I forget to breathe in the moments of life? I hold my breath a lot. Beauty can capture my breath, so can anger and fear. All last week I dreamt nightly of people trying to hug me and my holding my breath. I would write it off as just a silly little dream (or three) but then last night someone I hadn’t seen in a few years grabbed me in a spontaneous hug and — you guessed it – I held my breath until they let go.

I really forgotten how to breathe. No wonder my gut is a mess and my shoulders are in my ears. I will have you know that this doesn’t come as some great and welcomed epiphany. This self-knowledge comes to me with bits and spurts of denial and a great deal of fighting back. While I know how I feel about this new word that landed in my heart, I’m not sure what to think yet – and so I simply offer some thoughts by some of my favorite poets on this whole “breathe” business.

To one who has been long in city pent,
‘Tis very sweet to look into the fair
And open face of heaven, – to breathe a prayer
Full in the smile of the blue firmament.
~John Keats, Sonnet XIV

He lives most life whoever breathes most air. ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

You know that our breathing is the inhaling and exhaling of air. The organ that serves for this is the lungs that lie round the heart, so that the air passing through them thereby envelops the heart. Thus breathing is a natural way to the heart. And so, having collected your mind within you, lead it into the channel of breathing through which air reaches the heart and, together with this inhaled air, force your mind to descend into the heart and to remain there. ~Nicephorus the Solitary

Now — tell me, how was your Christmas? What did you do? Did you have a good New Years? Do you make resolutions or do you pick words or phrases for the year? Please drop a comment and let me know. Thanks.