Category: Redemption’s Heart – pieces of my story

In Search of Wings

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Horses lend us the wings we lack. Pam Brown, 1928

I woke up with my shoulders in my ears this morning. My to do list is out of hand what with Christmas just around the corner and my oldest due home on Friday. I have too much on my mental plate and need to blow off some steam.

In light of that, I took time out to ride today. I usually ride Prince on Tuesdays. (See photo) This time Janell let me ride Cowboy. Cowboy jacks with me most days, but not today.  He’s not a bad horse, he just doesn’t like beginners. I’ve been riding for almost a year now and even though I cannot hold a steady gallop, I’m no longer a beginner. Something about my seat told him I could be trusted. He did everything I asked.

Horses need to be able to trust their riders as much as riders need to be able to trust their horses. It’s a two-way relationship. There is a life lesson in this I’m sure. Janell is teaching me how to race barrels as well as jump. Once I learn those, it’s on to roping cattle.  I’m becoming a real cowgirl. I’m 46. This is crazy. And oh so much fun.

J-man wants to know how I can “race barrels” if we aren’t really going at a full gallop yet. He’s an are we there yet kind of fellow.

That’s an easy question to answer. We just do it. It’s not about the speed. At least not yet.  It’s about form and it’s about trust. Once that foundation is set, the speed will come. Every hour I spend in the arena, I push myself to go a little bit faster for a little bit longer. I work my abs and my legs by holding them straight. My left leg keeps wanting to curl up underneath me for protection and that throws me off balance, holding it straight is a huge challenge. I work on keeping my eyes up and forward instead of on the ground. I sit as tall as I can and I let the horse go. Every day I ride, I borrow courage from the horse and make it my own.

Cowboy does not give an inch. Every step, every breath, every moment is earned with him. I rather like that.

I prefer to earn my own confidence than have it handed to me.

Cowboy will not let me lope one minute before I’m ready. His resistance is teaching about my own journey in life. So often we are in a hurry to arrive. Cowboy forces me to slow down, breathe deeply, check my seat, stay balanced and enjoy the ride.

In light of that, I’m taking the rest of the year off.

I hope you don’t mind it’s just that I’ve been in such a hurry to make Christmas arrive that I’m missing the journey.

No more twitter. (Ouchies.. I kinda like twitter)

No more Facebook. eh, they’ll live.

and No more Blog. At least not until 2012.

I hope you don’t mind.

I haven’t taken time to harvest the fruit from 2011 or to rest.

I need time to be.

To quote Anne Jackson, the internet will still be here in 2012. Have a blessed Hunakkah or Christmas or whichever you celebrate. I’ll see you in 2012.

Love and Laughter

Deana

Quote: Everything You Want

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“Everything you want is on the other side of fear” – Jack Canfield

No Longer a Vagabond

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A New Beginning. It still needs paint and such, but what a great start.

“If you are bored with life, if you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don’t have enough goals.” Lou Holtz

My husband surprised me this weekend by emptying the spare bedroom where he keeps all of his music gear. Once the room was empty he ripped out the carpet and laid new flooring. This will be my new office / art studio and the front living room will be our new music room; complete with french doors and eventually a baby grand piano.

For those of you who don’t know, J-man is a VP for a national telecommunications company by day and a musician by night. In other words, he’s an artist who can afford to eat.

Depending on who you are and where you are in your life this may or may not be a big deal. It’s a big deal to me though. I left Corporate America back in the 90’s to raise a family. That was a huge life change for all of us. I was raised to have a career, not raise a family. While that choice meant great sacrifice for all of us, being there for our kids while they grew up made the sacrifice worth it. This sacrifice also allowed him the freedom – and motivation – to pursue his career and take it as far as he is able. He works amazingly hard and does well, and I’m very happy for him.

Contrary to some people’s belief that I am “basically retired and living a life of leisure,” I consider being a stay home mom a full-time commitment and a job in itself. I am by no stretch a Martha Stewart. There are many women who do far better at this domestic goddess role than I. This explains why even as a Mommy Blogger I rarely wrote about domestic things. So not my forte’.

On top of being a SAHM, I’ve spent the last 14 years volunteering throughout the community and in school, as well as continuing my education. I even held a few part-time positions when certain financial needs arose. Our oldest is a junior in college and our youngest is a senior in high school. They are wonderful well-adjusted young men and I am proud of them both. While I realize this isn’t the choice for everyone, we as a couple, made the right choice for our family.

This season is coming to an end and it is time to look forward to a new beginning.

With corporate a distant memory, I’ve chosen to gather together the things I do well such as speaking, writing, and art and start my own company. Jeff bought me a laptop three years ago and I’ve been a writing vagabond ever since. I take my computer with me where ever I go. This has been wonderful so far but is also constraining. I need my own space to breathe, write, and create.

Even if he is getting another room down stairs, giving me his music room is no small feat. This is a tangible act of love and faith. Being married to a man who not only believes in me, but follows up on that belief with action is priceless.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved. 

I’m Not Hard-Core; I just want to Live.

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Three frogs are sitting on a log when one decides to jump off.

How many are left?

Three.

One only DECIDED to jump.

Deciding to do something and actually following through are not the same thing.

I decided to get in better shape in 2009 because of this story – Beaten By A Stroke: A True Story and even bought myself an automatic shift five speed.

While the bike was pretty, it is also difficult to ride. I peddle like crazy to get it to shift and as soon as I coast down a hill it shifts back to first gear and I have to start all over again. I rode my new bike a sum total of six times before hanging it up in the garage. As a result, I’ve lost and gained the same 20 pounds because I didn’t follow-up my deciding to do better with real action.

Now that’s not to say I didn’t try to do better.

I tried C-Fit.

I tried Zumba.

I tried walking.

I tried the couch to 5K thing.

I even tried riding my bike with a group.

I wasn’t the best and I quit.

I was inspired but nothing more.

I got sick in 2010 and wound up in the hospital and even had surgery. Again, I’m inspired to do better in this area of my life, but I don’t follow through.  I even read Fully Alive in 2010 – by the same author who now is not only riding his bike, he’s racing it. The dude is 62 at this point.

Another friend, whom I also met in 2009 has completed the Iron Man competition, not once, but twice since then.

I’m no longer inspired, I’m embarrassed.

I’m 46.

I have learned something very valuable.

Inspiration without perspiration is fantasy.

It isn’t enough to keep my sense of wonder, to be inspired, or stirred and do nothing with it. True inspiration births action.

To be fair, I’ve taken a great deal of action in other areas of my life. I’m out there performing comedy when I can, acting in movies, volunteering, and even taking writing classes. I’m feeding my brain and my heart but not my body. I’ve over come many fears and it wasn’t until today when I was riding Prince that I realized I have some physical fears to face.

I’m afraid of falling.

I’m afraid of getting hurt, which is ridiculous when I consider that I used to compete in Tai Chi and Shaolin. I got hurt all the time. While it’s true I do have a slight disability with my ankle being permanently messed up now, however, that shouldn’t be stopping me.

I’ve been riding horses since February. I’m now at the point where we can gallop for longer durations and are working barrels. Today, the speed scared me. My eyes were on the ground more than they were on the obstacle ahead. Because of that we couldn’t get good speed.

It’s the same with my bike.

I purchased a Giant Brand bicycle from a locally owned shop in Tulsa and it is much faster than my older one.

The speed scares me.

I’ve fallen off more than once and I stopped riding it for two weeks.

It wasn’t until I was racing Prince today, that I realized what was wrong.

I’m looking at the wrong thing.

I’m allowing my fear of pain, not the actual pain, just the fear of it, to keep me from fully committing.

I fixed that today and rode again. It was 33 degrees and sunny.

The wind hurt my cheeks. I froze my tukus off, and my legs hurt.

But I did it.

And I didn’t fall.

I shared on Twitter that I’m riding today and someone asked if I was hardcore or had a conspirator.

I gave him a smart-alack answer at first. “I spent $1,000 on a new bike and my husband made me promise to ride it every day.” — Later I told him the truth, someone inspired me and if he can do it, so can I.

Here’s the deal. I don’t want to be sitting here another year from now, weighing the same as I do today, reading how someone else I know won a triathlon or a marathon while I allow fear to keep me trapped.

So here is my challenge to you:

I promise to face this fear every day, fulling committing to  following through on Ken’s inspiration in my life. What action are you willing to take today that follows through on a decision you made? I’m not asking you to change your life, I’m asking you to name one action or one fear – and face it with me today.  Will you do that? When you do, I want you to pay this forward and be that inspiration for someone else.

Ready. On your mark. Set. Go!

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved and all that jazz.

Video: Sara Barielles King of Everything

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I’ll admit, I’m late to the Sara Barielles party. Love this gal’s voice. Thank you to Lafemroar. Very nice.

Happy Thanksgiving you guys

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20111124-055447.jpg

This has been a hurry up and get there so we can relax and enjoy ourselves kind of week.

Hurry up and get home from school.

Hurry up and finish laundry, groceries, cleaning, pack the truck, drive like crazy, unpack, pour some wine, cook dinner, clean up dinner, pour more wine, everyone talk like mad at once…

Hurry up and get there so we can enjoy the moment and relax.

We get so busy trying to hurry up and get there (whatever “there” is for you) that we forget to breathe. We think it’s all about the destination and not the journey.

I’m guilty.

Monday- hurry up and clean before C-man gets home. Hurry up and finish my meetings so I can see him.

Tuesday – hurry up and get groceries, order D-Mans cap and gown, drive, etc…

Wednesday – Hurry up and cook Thanksgiving food, rake leaves, burn leaves, find store in middle of no where to get things I forgot to bring

I spent three days hurrying up just so that we could enjoy today.

I’m up at 5 am because my dogs have small bladders and no sense of decency. Pies need to be baked, bread needs to be attempted (making bread that won’t rise is my annual ritual), and the turkey needs to go in the oven. In 8 hours everyone will be in a turkey coma watching football. Hopefully, we’ll stop all the hurrying and enjoy eachother.

I lost a friend last month. This will be her family’s first Thanksgiving without her. As I sit on my porch waiting for my oven to hurry up and heat up already, I can hear the dawn of this new day waking up: the brook just over the hill slowly bubbling and making it’s way to the lake,the owls calling good morning, the cows heading to the waters edge to drink and the geese taking flight as the rising sun kisses the lake.
No one is in a hurry. Maybe I can learn from them. I take this moment to remember Tiffany and her joy. I’m thankful I knew her.

Today I will slow down and take the time to fully engage in this moment of life. A thankful heart is an engaged heart. Notice the people around. Drink deeply. Breathe slowly. Live fully.

Poetry: The Brag, I Live

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I Live A brag poem, written for Poetry Boot Camp. I’m not supposed to be here. I’m only 15 and an average student. Broken Home Missing Father Alcoholic mother Working to pay my way. Kids like me don’t get scholarships over seas. Until now. I’m in the middle of nowhere, Grimslov College in Sweden. Which is […]

Thankful November: Acting

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me 1985.

I wanted to be an actress many moons ago. Unfortunately I look more like Molly Ringwald than Molly Ringwald and couldn’t get cast to save my life.

See what I mean?

They say that possession is 9 tenths of the law. The fact that I had her look before she did is irrelevant. She was already famous. She possessed the coveted contracts with my look before I did.  I didn’t get my movie break but I did get a nice head shot for my efforts and I had a lot of fun pursuing a dream.

Life eventually moves on. Business college, careers, love, marriage and children take over. Along the way I spread my creative wings to pick up an acting gig here and there. Nothing spectacular, but enough to keep me satisfied. I am in several corporate training videos from the 1990’s that are as cheesy as training video notoriously are and I’ve done bit sketches and some comedy.

Believe it or not Tulsa is a great place for acting and major motion pictures. Tulsa has a nice midwestern feel that a lot of producers like and so we see movies being shot here rather frequently.

The upside to that, I get work as an extra. Sometimes I’m paid, sometimes not. Even so, it’s creative and fun.

Last summer I got to be in Cowgirls N Angels which comes out next Spring and yesterday I got to film for So This is Christmas which comes out next fall. Both are wonderful movies with not only an excellent cast, but a great message as well.

Acting seems like a strange thing to be thankful for I admit. Being on a sound stage brings my neurosis to a much higher than normal level. Am I dressed right? oh God I brought the wrong clothes.  The director hates me. Or does the like me. I can’t tell. Why is he looking at me like that? The lighting guy just smiled at me. What? He’s not the lighting guy — he was standing a ladder – oh crap. That’s… never mind.

I am a walking ball of insecurity 24/7.

Acting keeps my right brain alive and allows me to grow as a person. The fact that I get to participate, even slightly, in a dream I laid down years ago is a huge blessing.  For that, I’m thankful.

Too Cute For Halloween

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When we celebrated Halloween back home in Detroit and Chicago the rule was the scarier the better. Then we moved to Oklahoma. You’re pretty much considered a Satan worshipper if you dare celebrate down here. And if you do – the unwritten code is please keep it “friendly.”

My 18-year-old and I had to find a middle ground. I did friendly, he wanted gruesome.  Thought I’d share some of the shots with you.

This freaked out both of my grown sons and died under mysterious circumstances. They tell me the motor went out, but I'm thinking he was murdered.
To make up for Mr Scary-Blow-Up-Ghost's untimely demise, D-man decorated the front garden, complete with a fog machine for effect.
I know -- too cute for Halloween, right?
Even my ghosts aren't all that scary -- but they are cute!
Can't forget my scarecrows.
Then there's Fred, my "indoor/outdoor" decoration. NOT. His innards are missing. The rain disintegrated them. But at least his eyes still light up and change color.

 

We live on a dead end street with very few houses actually celebrating Halloween. I don’t get many trick or treaters. But I do love to decorate. Some of my friends celebrate today as the Day of Dead which is fun as well. Other’s ignore today. How do you celebrate All Hallows Eve at your house? I’d love to hear about it.

Voice: Who Speaks For You?

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Photo from istock.

You can’t find your voice if you only let others speak for you.

I love the photo from istock. The person in the middle standing out in red with their arms in the air seems so freeing. A visual “ME! I’m here!” in a sea of beige. It speaks to me and so does the quote about letting others speak for me. I think I’ve spent most of my life handing off personal power and pieces of my identity for peace.

I’m only on week two of my voice studies and my brain is already overflowing with Ah Ha moments and inspiration. The assignments have been relatively simple really and yet scary at the same time. I have an Associates Degree while everyone else appears to have a Masters in Lit or higher – heck yes I’m comparing. It scares me.

It’s no coincidence that I would find a writers voice class in the same season that I am questioning my own beliefs about life in general and wondering whose voice really transfers over. Is it my voice people hear or is my version of someone’s expectations? Since I don’t know the answer, I believe that is a question worth exploring.

My journaling goes beyond the lessons these days as I look at why I choose certain phrases and where opinions come from. Am I being rebellious? Am I being afraid? Am I being a parrot? or Am I being me?

Writing has become enjoyable again.  They don’t know me. There are no expectations of specific character and behavior. I have the freedom and permission to try on voices like a teenager tries on clothes. There’s no box to fit into.

This class is as freeing as the day I learned how to do stand up — granted I hope and pray writing produces better results.  Or maybe the fruit that seed planted *is* growing. Maybe stand-up is just another part of the path of finding myself again. Once I learned how to tell jokes on stage – kill or die trying – other things (like going back to being a Democrat) don’t seem nearly as formidable. I’m eyeball deep in Republicans, trust me when I say that changing back is a bit formidable. Other questions do arise however:

  • Just because I’m a Christian does that mean I *have* to talk about God all the time?
  • Can I have opinions that are left of center rather than right?
  • Can I talk about something else like how hard being middle-aged is sometimes?
  • Can I talk about love or nature or even sex.
  • Can I talk about the really sexy artist/poet that makes me melt?
  • I’m a Mom but do I have to talk about my kids?

Can I swear?

Anne Lamott does.

I remember the first time I read Traveling Mercies and I saw the F-word. It knocked my sensibilities right out of my socks and caused me to double-check the jacket. Yep, she’s a Christian.  My eyes lit up, I giggled and looked around wondering if anyone had heard what I just read. Then something magical happened, my soul settled deep into my reading chair and by the end of the book – I wanted dreadlocks too.

Wanting them and actually getting them are not the same thing. Trying them on for size? Totally worth it.  I just didn’t know how I was going to do that. I finally had my chance while on a cruise with some new artist friends and had my hair braided on the beach in Costa Maya last Spring. They lasted all of 12 hours. Dreadlocks  aren’t me after all — the wires kept poking me. I finally sat straight up in bed at 2 in the morning and spent two hours taking them out.

I don’t have to copy someone’s look or voice or opinion to fit in. And if I do then they aren’t my tribe.

I don’t have to be Anne Lamott or ee cummings or CS Lewis to be a writer. I don’t have to live off of someone else’s faith to be a Christian either.  I just have to be wholly me whatever that entails.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. October 26, 2011. All rights reserved.