Category: Redemption’s Heart – pieces of my story

Wishing I were on the other side already, Learning Trust

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“The task of growth is to pursue an unflinching honesty about self, world, and God, no matter what the results compel us to face or give up.” = Dan Allender, Bold Love

Have you ever gotten frustrated with the healing process? Have you ever wished you could just hurry up and get there already? If so, I’m right there with you. Healing is hard, it takes time, and it takes God’s help and tender mercies. Healing does come if we are willing to be honest, willing to let go of the things that hold us back, and willing to forgive even the unforgivable.

I have to admit, I think speaking is far easier than writing. In speaking, I can use body language, tone, facial expressions and other senses to  convey the story within the story. I can share tragedy in such a way that it’s okay to hear it. How does a writer convey a deeper story, without violating the sensibilities of the reader? I don’t know that I am fully there yet, but I’m going to give it a shot.

This is definitely one of those days where I regret deleting my former blog. Mentioning the “meanest pastor in the world” as I so unloving called him yesterday, doesn’t mean much if you don’t know the story. He was mean — most people who knew him would agree with that statement. God also used him to do great things for His kingdom. Being a pastor does not mean he was perfect. He was a sinner, just like you, just like me. He was also a good man in a lot of ways.

There are only a handful of trusted people who know the depth and breadth of my church work experience. Putting that experience into the acceptable standard of 500 words or less post won’t suffice. His death and his roll in my life are only relevant in the sense that he is responsible in so many ways for who I am today. What his death also signifies is the need for me to let go of excuses for no longer working in a church.

  •  Because of him — I learned that my own temple was full of idols. — People pleasing is rooted in idolatry and false shame.
  • Because of him — I laid down everything I thought I knew as a teacher of the Word and ran back into scripture and the arms of a loving God and found new value, new worth, and truth like I’d never known.
  • Because of him — I faced my own mirror of fear and secret shame.
  • Because of him — I know today that I am more than the things he called me.
  • Because of him — I learned the value of being trusted and keeping a confidence.

I am trying to choose my words carefully here. What I don’t want is someone to walk away from reading this post thinking I said God makes bad things happen. God doesn’t. We live in a sinful and broken world.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.

What I don’t want to do is violate your sensibilities. I do however, want you to think. I want you to think about your life and the people in it. I want you to think about those you can learn from; even those you think hate you or better yet, those you think you hate. I want you to think about whatever past it is you hide from. I want you to think about God and His redeeming plans for your life. What I don’t want you to do is think about me.

My story, is anyone’s story.

I have a past. We all do. No big deal really.  Except that as a ministry leader, I lived in fear of being found out and called a fraud – or worse, being exposed and rejected.

 Guess what. I got found out. I got exposed. And I was rejected.

But hear this: I didn’t die.

I wanted to. Thought I was going to. I even considered taking my own life at one point. I spent three years in therapy fighting to stay alive. God won and I’m eternally grateful. He saw this coming, he’s already made a path. I have no idea why he allowed what he did, but I do know that I am stronger and better today because of it.

 Do I still spin sometimes when I talk about what happened? Yes. But not like I used to. I’m healing. I see progress.

Before I answered any kind of call to ministry, I processed my past with someone I trusted. A local (at the time) pastor. He was encouraging, thoughtful and kind and shared how God doesn’t hold our sins against us. We talked about how He redeems and gives new life. Our conversations revolved in large part around this is who I used to be, and this is where I am now because of God. My story is a witness to God’s mercies, grace and power. What I was most afraid of really was would the church still accept me? What if they didn’t?

I don’t want you to miss this — I wanted to belong MORE than I wanted to serve God. My core belief was if I could work in a church than that would really show the priest who kicked us out when I was a kid. This was hidden scar that did not come out until I was broken. It was a reality about myself that I had to face one way or the other — and repent of it — before I could be of any real use to God.

The thing is though – I always viewed my story as my story to tell. Not someone else’s. I only share that which I think can benefit others while still protecting myself. I only share in my time and on my terms.

This pastor’s belief that God redeems and I am forgiven apparently stops in his office. I say that because, once I took a part time church job, he chose to extend a professional courtesy and fill my new employer in on everything we’d discussed. That sharing got twisted from a past reality to a present reality and I was treated differently because of it. I honestly never saw that coming. I grew up in a time where priests took your confessions to the grave. Apparently in the protestant church, some ministers take your confessions to their wives and your employers. Some pastor’s view professional courtesies as rights and privileges. I view them as crap.

I’m going to get harsh here. Just for a minute.

It is my opinion that professional courtesies are nothing more than emotional and spiritual rape. My confidante is a rapist, whether he sees it or not, that is what he is. Any pastor who betrays the confessional betrays a sacred trust. Harsh words and a very unpopular stance, but true nonetheless. I’ve learned that the path of recovery from emotional/spiritual rape is almost identical to that of physical rape. — I’m working on several pieces regarding that topic, so I won’t expound here just yet. If that has every happened to you, please know that you are not alone. And know also, that God does indeed have a greater plan for you.

 It was because of this professional courtesy that said, now deceased, pastor felt he had the right to call me names and share his version of my life with others. I was, according to him both a whore with an over active conscience and the office bastard. I’m still living with the fall out from that and while I’ve forgiven the whole situation, there is still some pain. I don’t trust pastors, including my own.

Will I fully recover from that? I honestly don’t know.

 I tend to assume the worst of intentions and keep a closely guarded heart. My standard response to personal inquiries is “fine.” I pursue intellectual activities and communication at the expense of truth sometimes.

I also test the spirits. I am learning how to trust a little at a time. I’m learning to watch, and wait, and trust some more. While I have not arrived at my desired location (full trust) I am at least on the right travel itinerary.

What happened was wrong. It was huge. It did cause damage. It was not without consequence. What happened requires that I learn how to forgive the unforgivable. Not for their sake, but for mine. Why? Because the God of the universe, who knows the number of hairs on my head is in the midst of it all. He sent his only begotten son to die for me. It is through the redemptive, healing work of the cross and the resurrection that empowers me and anyone who has ever been deeply wounded to do so.

Running away from LCMS as I did, took me straight into the lives of the most unlikely of people. Anne Jackson (flower dust), Ken Davis, Chonda Pierce, Thelma Wells, Carol Kent. Not personal friends per se‘, but people God gave me to help me heal and teach me truth. They literally became my teachers through books (Anne), or personal conversations, and classes. I’ve even had the privilege of working behind the scenes with a few of them at conferences. They have taught me that my life is more than my past and more than whatever pain I may or may not experience. It was these very people that helped me find my way back home to LCMS and ministry – and it is these same people I write about today as a shared resource to other LCMS readers here on this blog.

In the psalms King David says that God created us to trust and if that is true then distrust must be learned. And if it’s learned then it can be unlearned. I like the hope in that. –Psalm 22:9 Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother’s breast. (NIV)

So what is my responsibility here?

It is my responsibility:

  1. To: Act on the knowledge that God’s word carries more weight than the word of man.
  2. To: Repent of being more afraid of man than I can be of God.
  3. To: Learn that just because I trusted someone – who should have been trust worthy – and they let me down, does not mean I should never trust again.
  4. To: Trust God above all else.

I am able to forgive the man who called me names far easier than I am the man who betrayed my confidence. The man who called me names was only reflecting my biggest fears about what was true about me. He was just a mirror. The timing of his funeral was too close to Mom’s death and we didn’t have the strength to be there. I owe him a lot.

And the irony is, while he may have been my nemesis while he was alive, he was also one of my greatest teachers and for that, I am thankful.

I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, let me not be ungrateful to those teachers. – Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

A Time to Die

Deana3 Comments

Dear Friends, my beloved mother-on-law had a stroke on January 19 and another more severe one on January 20. My husband flew to Tampa to be by her side and make sure that she was taken care of. Mom showed pretty good improvement the first few days, but by the 25th she still could not lift her head, swallow, or sit up. At 86 years old, and having been fighting bone cancer for five years, Mom decided to involk her living will. She is refusing all treatment, and has been moved to a hospice care facility in Tampa.

The change in her demeanor was immediate. Safe and secure in the care center, and in her own pj’s Mom just shined. Her caretaker Beverly is with her and Bev tells us the funny stories about mom as well as her updates. As of today, mom is no longer opening her eyes, or communicating in anyway. Her blood pressure is so low it no longer registers with a cuff. It’s almost time.

She’s ready, but we aren’t.

I’m taking a week off of blogging and will be back next week.

I hope you understand.

EDITED to add: 

 February 2 at 4:31pm
 
Hi all,

I just wanted to let you know that Jeff’s Mom (Aunt Alice/Grandma) went home to be with the Lord at 2:30 this afternoon. Mom is a breast cancer survivor from 35 years ago and was a wonderful woman. Mom had suffered two strokes on Jan 19 and 20th and was placed in Hospice Care Facility in Tampa FLA at her request, on January 26. Hospice is a wonderful organization – and to see her there, in her own jammies, no wires or tubes or machines… she was beside herself with joy. Her last days were filled with peace and hope of the coming reunion with friends and family who had gone before. Mom was 86.

Funny thing is, I was in my truck picking up Dillon from school when she passed, and a country song was playing… something about flying up on the wings of angels and dancing with Jesus. The sun was shining and I could have sworn I heard her giggling beside me. Jeff’s cousin Cynthia said the same thing when she called him at 3… How awesome is that?

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts, and prayers. they have meant a lot to our family.

Blessings
Deana O’Hara

 

No Baggage Section Please

Deana2 Comments

I love the stillness of private worship before corporate worship begins on Sundays. While visiting a church across town, I quietly sit in what is probably someone else’s pew, close my eyes and drink in the solitude and peace. My spirit is content, and I say a prayer.

“Thank you Lord for this church. The sermons are wonderful. The pastor is brilliant. I have yet to hear him say anything that I disagree with. I know he must truly be a righteous man. The music is uplifting and scriptural. The people are so warm friendly. No one has said or done anything mean or hateful. I haven’t lost my temper, got into an argument or let anyone down. No one gossips. This church is perfect Lord. But… we haven’t joined yet, and I know as soon as we do, that will all change… “

 It doesn’t take long for baggage to accumulate. A look here, a snide remark there. Misunderstandings, unmet expectations,  hurt feelings, gossip, lost tempers. There are all kinds of issues that can get in the way of worship if I let them. Geographical cures, while nice for a while, are not sustainable solutions.

The solution isn’t perfection, constantly moving, or avoiding all entanglements. The only real solution to baggage free worship, is Christ.

I really like visiting other churches. I especially like visiting churches that are nothing like my own. What I don’t like is when God has the audacity to speak to my heart in the middle of a service and tell me “You like it here because there isn’t any baggage.” Not to sound disrespectful to God or anything like that, but I was really annoyed that he would interrupt my denial and worship with truth that day.

I don’t suggest arguing with God while sitting in church. It might look funny. Nor do I suggest accusing his voice to be that of Satan. Communion doesn’t quiet go down right on those days. Who knew you could get indigestion from a little wine and bread.

The pastor asked me TWICE if I was okay as we were leaving. I’m not sure if I looked white as a ghost or what.. No I was not okay, I wanted God to agree with me and I wasn’t getting what I wanted. And how did he know I wasn’t okay?  

 Sin exists in and out of the church. We are all sinful and fall short of the glory of God. It doesn’t matter if it’s a church or a relationship of some kind. Sooner or later, we will let each other down. There will be misunderstandings, differing opinions, anger, and hurt feelings. There will be opportunties as well for reconciliation, repentance, and forgiveness — IF I don’t run away every time I get my feelings hurt, or hurt someone else’s.

I can carry that baggage with me into church via resentments, or even shame and guilt. OR I can lay those things down in my confession, be fed and strengthened by the body and blood of Christ, allow the sermon to renew my mind and leave behind that which weighs heavily on my heart.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. –We aren’t changing churches, by the way.  My husband and I are very active in our home church and committed to our church’s mission plant. We do however like to change things up and really do enjoy worshipping across town at another church as well. It’s a high liturgy service and we think it’s beautiful.

I Love You Too Mom

Deana2 Comments

Don’t over react. Just stay calm and smile. You can shout for joy AFTER you leave the school parking lot. Just don’t let him see you do it.

I tell my boys I love them every morning and every night before bed. For TWO Looooong years, my youngest (now 16) would pretend not to hear me, or roll his eyes. There isn’t a trick in the world that could coax him into saying it back. And hugs? Forget about it.

One week ago, the impossible happened. I dropped him off at school, said I love you like I always do and there it was. Mumbled, but there… “yeah, I love you too.” With that, he closed the door.

At least I waited until I was on the highway before I screamed.

And then Saturday he even let me hug him.

Wow.. every day he says I love you too.

Don’t make a big deal out of it, or he’ll go back into cool guy status.

I wonder if God ever feels that way.  I mean, he sends me things every day just to show me he loves me. Do I tell him I love him back, or do I roll my eyes?

Thoughts on Marriage

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Now that I have totally silenced even the most loyal of readers with yesterday’s post, I thought I’d switch gears ever so slightly. Before I do, let me add that some women can be just as double minded and that post was meant to cover both. I’ve seen both sides, and probably played them back in the day.

You may not know this, but  I am a former member of the he-Woman’s Man-Haters club.  I loved female comics who ripped men. I loved it when TV shows made the wife out to be the savior of the day, and the man of the house a bumbling fool.

I wanted to believe myself to be a feminist.

Forget submission, forget marriage, forget all of it. I’m a boomer’s child and the world is my oyster. I will never belong to the First Wives Club. I’ll never be divorced, because I’m never getting married. I am my own woman and heaven help the man that tries to tame me. I won’t let him.

I had a chip on my shoulder the size of Fort Knox.

Truth is though, I didn’t hate men, I was afraid of them. I have a busted picker.  When I was younger, if our eyes met across a crowed room and my heart started pounding 280, he either had a flask in his pocket, or a record a mile long. I could pick a man sure to break my heart without even trying. So I stopped trying, which is how I met my husband.

I didn’t marry a man who wanted to tame me. I married a man who wanted to love me and there is a difference.  We’ll be married for 20 years this August.

My early career placed me as the only woman on an all male staff. These guys taught me a lot – mostly about smoking, drinking, and swearing along with construction. They also taught me about integrity, trust, safety, and smarts. Some of those lessons were easy to learn, others came from stupid choices.  Smart choice: Hang with the guys who are happily married and talk well of their wives. Not so smart choice: Letting your site partner come back to your hotel room to call his wife and let her know he’s running late. Once I figured out why he was running late — false hopes and ambitions — I kicked him out. I also paid for that by having to listen to my sight foreman rip me apart for an hour and a half the next day for being so stupid. The situation could have been a lot worse, and I’m thankful it wasn’t. I actually know other gals on the field who were raped by techs they worked with.

Personal note here: Rape is always about control and violence. My comments do not mean to imply that what happened to some of my counterparts was in any way shape or form their fault!

And before anyone comments on the unfairness of my sight forman — I’d been flirting with said partner the whole trip because I thought he was safely married. That was a huge mistake. My partner liked to dabble when he traveled, I didn’t know that. Besides, it isn’t fair to flirt with a married man. That was a lesson I had to learn a lot when I was in my 20’s. It was never about sex when I did it, it was always about fear, control and manipulation. I don’t have the right to throw stones. I’ve broken too many mirrors doing that.

Being tough, thinking I can always make the right choices and take care of myself without anyone’s help isn’t an easy road.

Learning how to trust my husband comes and goes. The more my husband and I grow in our relationship with Christ, the closer we become to being one.  I am always amazed at how God can take two very broken people and make them into his likeness.

While I may have spent our early years totally wrapped up in “him,”  I am also developing me right now. We are learning to follow the ebb and flow of life and maturity, rediscovering ourselves and eachother. We are polar opposites and I like that today. He keeps me grounded. It’s a fun journey. He’s the one who teaches me about the kind of man who can be trusted, and I listen to his insticts. He also teaches me about the kind of woman who can be trusted. I introduce him as well. I make sure that people know we are together. Nothing sets him on higher ground than my arm on his when we walk into a room.

As I was working on these two posts, I recieved a phone call from my husband telling me that his mom had a stroke and he is leaving Denver to be with her in Florida. She didn’t know he was there yesterday and my heart broke for him. Today, her eyes are open, she is trying to talk and even though she is weak, she can move her legs. The only real damage right now seems to be her left arm and her speach. Mom is 86. We have decisions to make, and we’ll make them together. I don’t know when he’ll be home, but I’m holding down the fort taking care of our son and praying.

I’d Like you to meet my wife.

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I refuse to be anyone’s “dirty little secret.”

I don’t care who you are, or what you do. If you are married you will introduce me to your wife, or I won’t trust you and we won‘t have much of a relationship. If you don’t introduce me to your wife, I’ll do so myself.

 

I did something out the ordinary this week. I chose to intentionally thank a man for consistently introducing me to his wife whenever we run into each other. Why? Because men don’t do that anymore and I really wish they would. I always introduce my husband when we are out together, and he does likewise.

We are a unit, and I want people to know that.

I used to assume everyone operated that way. As I get older, I’ve learned not to assume those things anymore.

I went to an office wedding several years ago and I brought my husband with me. I wanted him to know the people I work with, and I wanted them to know him. The saddest moment of the night was when a man I regularly joked around with at work, chose to ignore me in front of his wife. This wasn’t a simple case of the room was so full he didn’t see me, and while I won’t go into the details, he went out of his way to keep the two of us apart. Even my husband noticed.

Red Flag Alert: If a member of the opposite sex trips all over themselves to talk to you when no one is looking and ignores you in front of their spouse, RUN don’t walk to the nearest exit.

For some  reason I suddenly felt dirty. And then it hit me, I have a family member who was a notorious womanizer. I also recognized that the shame I was suddenly feeling did not belong to me and I was able to give that back to God and find a solution.

Now, I’m not saying the man in this story is a player, and I’m not saying he isn’t. I am saying I that I was allowing him to treat me one way at work and another way in front of his wife and I needed to change that. His actions left me no reasonable choice but to change mine.

I found a way to politely ask what was up and I listened to his explanation. I then informed my office friend that I will always make a point of seeking out his wife and speaking to her at events. This is a non-negotiable item.

I’ve also learned in life not to make false threats.

It isn’t enough to set the boundaries. I have to keep them.

Another party came and he tried the same thing. Keeping my word, I grabbed my husband and walked over to my office friend’s wife and introduced myself and my husband. We spoke briefly and left the party shortly thereafter. I made a point of talking to her every time I saw her.

I’d really like to say that my boundaries helped build a healthy work relationship with my friend. But they didn’t. What my boundaries did do, was build my own esteem and worth in my eyes, and my husband’s.

I don’t have anything to do with said gentleman today. I actually resented being the one who set the boundaries that should have been there all along, and that took too much of a toll on the relationship.

Avoiding men altogether isn’t the answer, although I did try that route for a while.

Today, I watch and I listen and I trust my gut..

Watch:

  • Does he introduce his wife to people he’s talking to or does he leave her standing there?
  • Is he publicly affectionate? – Putting his arm around her, communicating they belong together.
  • How does he look at her? Does he look at her?

Listen:

  • What tone of voice does he use when he speaks to her?
  • Does he speak well of his wife or does he put her down and complain? (my mother taught me that a man who speaks poorly of his wife to other women is fishing. — don’t take the bait.)
  • A good married man will never compare you to his wife in such a way that you come out on top — if she doesn’t “understand him” and he’s telling you that you do, that isn’t a compliment — it’s a deadly trap. Don’t fall for it. Understand that he is a snake —
  • A good man will praise his wife in your presence.
  • A good man will talk about her and let you know she exists.

My Gut

  • The Holy Spirit speaks volumes to our heart when we are open.
  • Past experience can be a good teacher sometimes as well. It’s from those trial and error days of being naive that I’ve learned the most. Those times when I didn’t listen to my gut and got in hot water have taught me to trust myself more often.

My husband follows the same walk — we are a unit. I love it when he introduces me, sends calls to voicemail whenever we are on a date or in a conversation. I love the way he looks at me, the way he puts his arm around me in a crowd and includes me in his life and with his friends. I love the way that he communicates the fact that I am his, and he is mine.

I love the trust that grows from those seeds.

Question: What actions do you and your spouse take to communicate to others that you are one?

This post written by Deana O’Hara, for Redemption’s Heart. January 20, 2010

Finding a Place to Begin

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Working out to stay in shape is a lot more fun than working out to get back in shape. Just saying.

Do you remember last summer? I knew I needed to get back in shape. My bout with depression several years ago has left 50 pounds that I need to deal with. Rather than allow that to depress me all over again, I’m taking a more positive approach.

I have friends and acquaintances who inspire me. One wrote a book on climbing mountains with his daughter. Another ran a triathlon and placed third in his age group. Another became an Iron Man. Another, recovering from a heart defect and surgery, is fighting to really get in shape and run a marathon. Another friend ran her first 5 K.

A surefire way to fail your goals is to set them so unrealistically high that there is no way to meet them. I said I wanted to do a 5K, but I treated it like I was training for a full marathon, definitely not the smartest thing I’ve done.

I was a martial artist at one time. I’ve competed nationally in Tai Chi and Shaolin Kung Fu. There was a time when I could rock more than this chair I’m presently sitting in. I’m a long way from where I was and getting back will take more than just a day or two. I have to work my way back up to that level of training.

It is okay to allow these people to inspire me, but last summer I took that inspiration and set goals so high and so unrealistic that I crashed and burned very quickly.

I set out  on my own. I downloaded information on how to train for a half-marthon, joined Zumba, promised to join a church fitness class…blah blah blah.

I didn’t see my doctor. I didn’t do anything about my left knee that is not stable, or my right ankle that no longer tolerates my weight because of a childhood injury. I didn’t check my blood pressure, blood sugar or anything else. I just jumped into the deep end without the proper gear.

And I didn’t last a month. I failed.

Good thing about failure, is you can learn from it. I found a trainer and joined her class on Wednesday nights. She is harder than my physical therapist when I blew out my ACL six years ago. Her class is a three fold experience, mind, body, and spirit.  It’s the best workout I’ve had in a long time.

I saw my Doctor and she is treating my blood pressure and helping with my diet.  I’m wearing the right gear for both my knee and my ankle.

Can I keep up with the class? No. Heather showed me where to begin.  I used to love working out. I’ll get that back. Beginning is half the battle.

I’m in Nashville watching a friend of mine film a comedy video and will be back on Wednesday. Have a great week everybody.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. No part may be copied or redistributed without express written permission of the author. January 16, 2010

 

The Great Rabbit Rescue

Deana1 Comment

It sounded like a gun shot. And then another, and another. I thought war had broken out in Tulsa. Looking out our bedroom window we can see stripped and broken trees covering our yard. My beautiful trees are no more. All of our trees, save one, fell victim to the ice storm of 2007.

Amid the sounds of branches falling during the night, it also grew obvious to my husband and to me that our youngest son was not going to let us sleep until we rescued his rabbit. Oreo, lived in a hutch underneath what was our tall and beautiful bradford pear in the back yard.

Grabbing the foot of our bed, our son became bound and determined to rouse us into greater empathy than parents usually possess at 3 am. Empathy not forthcoming, he chose to shake our bed violently and scream until we had no choice but to either put him down, or rescue the rabbit.

We rescued the rabbit.

Wearing snow boots and bathrobes, the three of us ventured out into the icy night. I carried a candle for light, while Jeff and I carefully traversed the buried yard. Stepping over branches and around others we made our way to what used to be Oreo’s dwelling. Our tree, Oreo’s shelter, was stripped back like a banana peel. Carefully moving the bent and hanging branches, we found that not one fallen branch had touched her hutch. All of the branches had created a protective cave around her home. Oreo was unharmed. It was an amazing sight.

The consummate story collector, I wanted to go back for my camera but thought better of it. Instead, Jeff reached in to free a very grateful bunny and we made our way back to the house. The joy in our son’s eyes as he held his beloved pet made the whole adventure worth it.

It’s cold in Tulsa right now. Temperatures are below zero at night, and we’ve once again rescued our rabbit and brought her indoors for safety.

Another snow storm hit Tulsa this year and all Christmas services had been cancelled through out the city. It just didn’t feel like Christmas without church and I missed it. Grace Lutheran was holding their Christmas Eve service on Epiphany. Grace is not our home church, but I wanted to go. I wanted to celebrate Christmas even if it was a few days late.

During the service they did what they call the “Procession of the Gospel.” I don’t recall ever seeing that before. It is very high church, and not necessarily something more “modern” churches like mine do anymore. Acolytes carried the cross and candles, while the pastor came down the center aisle with the bible. This processional stopped right next to our pew. It was there that the gospel was read.

Like a child, I relentlessly tugged on my husband’s sleeve asking what they were doing and why. High Liturgy is not something I’m familiar with. It was moving, and beautiful. The tears in his eyes caught me by surprise. “Immanuel. God with us.” is all he said.

By coming down into the crowd, so to speak, to read the Gospel, we are reminded that God himself traveled dangerous terrain to rescue us. We are reminded that He is not some distant and untouchable figure way out there. He doesn’t need a child to shake his bed to come get us. He just did. It was dangerous and it was scandalous. And it was necessary.

He is with us.

In the center of it all.

Yesterday.

Today.

And tomorrow.

Again and again,

calling us,

 protecting us,

saving us.

He is Immanuel.

God’s Amazing Journey in 2009

Deana2 Comments

Hungry for a fresh word from God, I found myself searching His word and being still long enough to listen to Him speak over me throughout 2009. In doing so, I learn that he is creating a new thing. He wants me to stop looking back and trust him more going forward. He wants me to rest in Him in a way that lets go of fear and anxiety.

2009 was a year of preparation. He is still writing my story, and I know now that he is getting ready to tell it.

2009 is over, but I don’t want to lose that which took ahold of me. I’ve replaced my memory verse page with one titled C-Fit, which is a new program being offered in my church. I’ll be using that page to keep authentic and accountable with my commitment to it.

I’m not sure what I was looking for at the end of 2008. I was feeling edgy. I was praying for a word from God; something to study and focus on for 2009 and nothing was coming to me. It’s not that God was silent, I can’t explain it other than he either wasn’t bold or I had a hearing problem. I’m guessing it was my hearing. I wanted His direction for me, and lo I came upon Beth Moore’s

I’ve layed down a lot of things over the years, bad habits and good. This is a year of thoughtfully choosing which good habits to pick back up. Beth is doing a scripture memorization challenge for 2009 and was asking for participants. I found that, and heard God – do THIS. 😉

I used to memorize scriptures, but had gotten away from it. So this is my new goal for 2009, memorize 24 new scriptures. Only don’t just memorize them – meditate on them, study them, ponder them in my heart. Allow them to become part of my marrow, and not just my brain cells. This isn’t a works thing, it’s a relationship thing. It’s a conversation, a two way dialog with God. Nice habit to be back into.

December 15 , 2009 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

December 1 2009 “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.” – Jeremiah 6:16

November 1, 2009 Fulfill Your promise to Your servant, so that You may be feared. Take away the disgrace I dread, for Your laws are good. How I long for Your precepts! Preserve my life in your righteousness. Psalm 119:38-40 NIVOctober 15, 2009 Phil 4:4-9 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

October 1, 2009 – “1 But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

September 15, 2009 – Revelation 17:14 (NIV) “They will make war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will overcome them because He is Lord of lords and King of kings–and with Him will be His called, chosen and faithful followers.”

September 1, 2009 – Isaiah 43:18-19 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Aug 15, 2009 – “Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children.” – Lamentations 2:29

Aug 1 – I was on vacation

July 15 – Psalm 116:7 (NIV) “Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.”

July 1 – “The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.” -Psalm 126:3 (NIV)

June 15, 2009 – Psalm 121:1-2 I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

June 1, 2009 – Psalm 143:5 (New International Version) “I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.”

May 15, 2009 – “Being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 1: 6 (NIV)

May 1, 2009 “In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered me by setting me free. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The LORD is with me; He is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies.” Psalm 118:5-7 (NIV)

April 15, 2009 – Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8 NIV

April 1 2009 “The LORD your God is with you; He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zeph 3:17 NIV

March 15, 2009 – (Isaiah 4:10) So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you: I will up hold you with my righteous right hand.”

March 1, 2009 – Hebrews 10:35-36 – “So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded, you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.”

February 2009 – Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

January 15, 2009 (Isaiah 41:9) – “I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’: I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

January 1, 2009 – Ephesians 3:17-19. “I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”

LPM Blog. I did not know she had one. I love Beth’s Bible studies. I’ve facilitated several.

　
 
 
 
 

 

Oh No She Didn’t

Deana6 Comments

I am an absolute failure at telling people I disagree with them.  I hate conflict and I hate making people feel badly.  Assuming people are going to feel badly about themselves because I have a different opinion than they do is an arrogant assumption I know. I’m working on it. It’s that angle or I don’t want them to feel badly about me… I get those two confused some times.

It really is all about me most days. I just hate debating issues. I’m not good at it and I rarely win. I can tell a person what I think and feel, but if I have to defend that in such a way that it feels like the other person wants me to convince them I’m right? That’s another story all together. Most times I chose not to say anything at all and that situation has me in hot water a lot these days.

I’m in hot water because now I have all this feeling behind the opinion. And I have opinions people aren’t used to hearing. I am getting better though.

One thing I need to work on this year — getting over the whole pastor phobia deal. No seriously, you know how some people have snake phobias? Well, I have pastor phobias… especially if they are wearing that black and white death suit of theirs.  Reminds me of Darth Vader… chills.

Imagine having a pastor phobia, being in a speech class under a pastor and you hear her say THIS… to another student, loudly enough that she is obviously engaging the class:

“Well you know that Martin Luther doesn’t believe in works, right? I mean EVERYONE knows he wanted the whole book of James removed from the Bible. Lutherans only believe in Grace.” —

It really seemed like one of the pastors adamantly agreed with her. And now I am faced with two pastors on one side and I felt like defenseless cheese. 

We’re talking feelings here and not necessarily facts.

I didn’t agree with her and I wanted to throw up.  Pastor phobia, remember? That and I was wracking my brain trying to remember the REAL story behind Martin Luther and the book of James.. 

What struck me though — after I sifted through the names I wanted to call her adn how I sat there and said nothing, but stewed for two days — is I had paid almost $2,000 to be in the particular class.  My instructor is erroneously bashing Martin Luther and as a result, I feel insulted to the point that I missed every thing else she said. She had my bio, she knew I was Lutheran. My anger at her comments had rendered me speechless.

I spent a long time being angry with myself for not speaking up and now I also realise that:

1. She was incorrect not only in her theological history but in her attitude as well.

2. Her actions were  unprofessional.

And I felt powerless to do anything about it.

I want to handle things differently next time. I’m not sure how I’ll go about it yet. But I’ll figure it out.

Have you ever been there? What would you have done? How would you have handled it?