One of my biggest fears is having my children grow up, move out and leave me behind. Marriage and parenting can take our all, every day, every week, every year. And then poof, just like that it seems they are grown, gone and testing their wings.
What then?
A lot of women fall apart at this stage in life. So do a lot of marriages.
I made a choice a few years ago. I do not want those things happening to me. I do not want to wake up six months from now without a clue of who I am. Or worse yet – I do not want to wake up six months from now, look at my husband and think “who are you and what are you doing in my bed?”
Just like weening a baby off the breast, I have to ween myself off the “mom roll” and come back to the woman.
It’s not easy to do. Actually it is very painful at times.
It takes soul-searching work, bravery, and conviction.
There is a fun side to testing my own wings and seeing what I’m made of beneath the sweat suit and pony-tail.
One of the fun things is watching this movie trailer and seeing myself in the crowd scenes during the trick riding. – I even got paid to be there when they filmed last summer.
A release date has not yet been set, but I can’t wait to go see it.
Life doesn’t have to end when our kids grow up. We can begin to prepare by getting to know that woman in the mirror again today.
Take some time and get to know her, who knows maybe she’ll surprise you.
“Acceptance is not submission to a degrading situation; rather is it acknowledging reality and deciding what to do about it.” – One Day at a Time, AFG
I can be whiney.
Insert the hushed whisper by those who know me well here. “Whiney? You? No! Really?”
It’s true. I whine.
I ask why. A lot. Granted I do have the voice of reason (or schizophrenia, whichever) to quickly follow with either a snarky remark or wisdom.
Why did the laundry hose spray all over the laundry room today? At least the room smells Springtime fresh now. Not helping!
Why did the computer break right before Christmas? (Don’t feel too sorry for me, I do still have my laptop.)
Why can’t I be thin? (uhm.. maybe it’s the food you put in your mouth when you stuff your feelings?)
Why can’t people behave the way I want them to? — okay I really do wish they would here, but now do you always behave the way people wish you would? – Oh shut up.
Why didn’t anyone read my life script? – Because everyone has their own script to follow. But they are ad-libbing! I’m an introvert, I need my script. I can’t plan my brilliant responses if they ad lib! – Silence
Why doesn’t he ever pick ME?- Because he isn’t going to. Instead of getting your feelings hurt every year, face reality and move on. Do not try to control the situation by constantly reminding him how much you really want to do this — obviously he does not believe you are the right person for the job. It’s not personal, and even it if is, you can’t do anything about that.
Whaa whaa whaaa
Reality of life is simply this — like it or not we have absolutely no power of people, places, or things. The only power we have in choosing how to respond.
Rather than focus on what I cannot control today, equipment failures, dishonest and manipulative people, and rejection (I really hate that one), I can focus getting exercise and eating well, and celebrating the fact that our riding club (Stay in the Saddle) is going to be in the Christmas Parade.
I’m not being Pollyanna. I’m just choosing happiness.
What about you? Are you going to spend this day focusing on the things you cannot control? Or are you going to spend it focusing on the things you can control – yourself.
I hope you go out there and have a wonderful and happy day. And don’t forget to laugh.
I jokingly tell people “It’s always about me and the sooner we all get on the same page with that the better.” I’ve had a really crummy week y’all. Every inner voice imaginable has struggled to be heard, acknowledged, and at times smacked down.
I’d complain really, but the truth is none of the events of this week are really about me.
I lost a friend to death on Monday. A high school friend suffered a pulmonary embolism on Monday sending all of us into shock and disbelief. I personally took her death really hard. She leaves behind a husband, a son, a best friend and many people who love her. While my grief is mine, her death is not about me. I can grieve and learn to let this go.
A close family member is giving me fits. I’ve participated in their dysfunction for so long that I can no longer tell truth from fantasy. Again, while I play a part in this dance their issues and refusal to grow up really aren’t about me. I need to let it go.
I joined a writers group this week with some fantastic writers. We are on a 6 week journey to find our real voices. This IS about me. This is my safe place. A place to process, grow, separate chaff from wheat and step into the wilderness of the unknown. THIS I have control over. This is a good happening.
Not everything that happens in the crazy mixed up planet of ours is about us. My first homework assignment for the group was to assess a poem by Mary Oliver called The Journey. What I discovered was not just one voice, but many. I had four days to read the poem and process my thoughts. A day makes all the difference. While processing this poem I met my ingenue, my wounded child, my victim and a new voice who is still trying to tie it all together before midnight tonight.
Excerpt from Frogs on the Curtains (coming out in 2012) –
To be handed one’s emotional ass on a silver platter and yet have so little regard for self, that the best revelation one can muster that anything is wrong is stomach issues, persistent blushing, and chest pain is a travesty. While it is true that artists are capable of being emotionally empathetic to a fault and that our souls can easily be a magnet to acts of spiritual terrorism, we still have choices.
Does one choose to succumb to this warped sense of reality, thereby being a victim of the fractured mirror of others as well as their own learned misogynistic views? Or can the false mirror be broken and a new paradigm created?
Some world views are nothing but a fractured reflection of one’s own self-hatred and false dichotomies.
Unrealistic expectations and lies of others do not define me.
Sounds like a horrible way to live, doesn’t it? Sure a heart locked up in a casket can’t be broken, but it can’t breathe either. It dies.
I love the t-shirt in the photo here. I actually own one. I first saw this shirt when I saw the Ken Davis video “Super Sheep.” at a woman’s retreat back in the 90’s. – I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. (Phil 4:13) We’re the sheep in the photo and if you notice he’s holding Christ’s hand – or Christ is holding his, either way – it’s a union. And there they go safely, fearlessly walking past the wolves and the lions of life. Wow what a visual. I have to confess I wore that shirt long before I ever believed it or even fully understood it.
I have walked through many doors with various him’s on my arm, but they were never the right one. Getting from there to here hasn’t always been easy.
My heart was wrapped rather tightly by the time I set a tentative foot into the life of churchdom back in 1993. Entombed in my career and my family it seemed to me that I was impenetrable.
The only “him” I was with, was me and my career.
I kinda thought that I liked it that way, but I didn’t really. Trusting only in yourself is a lonely existence.
My early years of church life became an archeological expedition of finding entrances, caskets, trinkets and pockets of light. The dig went slowly.
I can remember the first steps of simply coming to church and sitting in the pews, shaking violently. If my husband overslept and I had to go it alone, I was a basket case.
My husband became my him. I placed all burdens of peace, happiness, and safety on his shoulders.
As time went on, I can remember learning how to talk to people, going to bible studies, joining a committee (just one) and starting to feel peace. If I’m being honest, I trusted the building before I ever trusted the people.
And so the church became my him. (At least I was getting closer.)
There were nights when my husband and I would argue and I would put on my sneakers and run the 1 1/2 miles to our new church. The building was locked up and closed for the night, but I didn’t care. I’d just run through the parking lot, past the parsonage to the playground in the back. Breathless, I’d climb up the slide, sit in the tower and look at the church. I believed God was in that building and I felt safe. I’d stay there until the fear and loneliness subsided and peace settled in and then I’d walk home, leaving my him behind.
I hadn’t yet learned that God is present in more places than just a sanctuary, but it was a start. A beginning of airing out the dusty tombs.
Three years after we joined our church, we enrolled our children in a private Lutheran school. New challenges awaited and I was now dealing with several pastors instead of just my one. Their kids went there too. I hadn’t planned on that. It was time to learn a new level of trust.
Have I ever told you that I don’t like pastors? I liked mine, but taken as a whole, I wasn’t all that sure about the rest. This was going to prove problematic. More shaking. More fear. More dust.
I tested the waters many times by asking these men simple questions and then stepping back to see how they responded. Were they kind? Were they patient? Did they answer my question? Mostly yes. I dusted a windowsill and more light came through.
I did have some problems with a dad at the school who liked to pursue me when he saw me alone. I hate being hit on and I did not know how to handle it. I discovered that if I stuck close to the pastors, he’d leave me alone. I didn’t think about how it looked, I just wanted to be safe. And so
The pastor’s became my him. I was safe when I was with them.
I wasn’t intentionally making idols out of things or people. I can only relate it to going from water wings to the high dive in learning trust and walking with God. I’d learned about Philippians by then – I can do all things through Christ. Christ was supposed to be my him. Not me, my career, my husband, my church, or the pastors. While I knew that in my head, I didn’t know how to walk it out.
Until….
We were at a back to school pool party and I was afraid. There were dozens of people there and I knew very few of them. I was by then good at saying hello, asking a brief how are you and then bolting before I got dragged into a conversation. But this was a FOUR hour, fenced in pool party. I was trapped with a bunch of Christians and pastors. eek! I didn’t think I’d survive.
I’d prayed shortly after we got there that I didn’t know to trust him enough to find the strength to step out and be myself. Would he be there for me? What would it look like? How would I know.
Right after saying that prayer, I felt a voice deep in my heart that said “watch me.”
I looked around to see who might have said that and I spotted a couple arguing not too far from me. I wasn’t sure what the argument was about, but it looked intense. I didn’t want to stare, so I looked away.
Moments later she was gone and he was standing along the back of fence. His hands were grasping the bar at the top so tightly I could see the veins in his hands. His head was bowed. He was hurting and it showed. And he was praying.
I was confused and asked God what it was exactly he wanted me to see. Surely not this. I mean this was horrible. The next thing I know this man – the praying one – is in the kiddie pool with my kids playing and laughing and talking to us. He spent the rest of that afternoon talking to people, playing with the kids, calling swim races, going off the high dive and just having a blast with everyone.
Did his pain suddenly go away? – I later learned no. His wife had left him just a few months before. His pain was deep. But what God did do for him is lift him above it enough and strengthen him enough to make the best of the day. He prayed in the midst of pain and fear and God responded.
They walked through that day together.
When God said “watch me” — he meant watch what I can do when you let me be your him. Take my hand – I won’t let go.
Does that mean I’ll never be hurt, or have my heart-broken? Or be afraid? No. It does mean however that I have a hand to hold that will lift me above those circumstances and strengthen me as we walk through them together. I don’t have to keep my heart buried in some tomb. It is redeemable. And it’s stronger than I think.
Christ in me (and you.) – the hope of glory.
The post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved. No goods or services were given in exchange for the videos and items discussed here.
I ended 2009 with a see through blouse and 50 un-mailed Christmas cards. 2010 ended about the same way when I met the Osmonds. (Trust me when I say that a white bra and a black blouse do not make for a good photo-op.) Some lessons need to be learned more than once I suppose.
One lesson that does not need to be relearned is the need for personal inventories. I try to use my prayer and journal time at night to inventory my day. I look for areas I did well as well as areas of my day where I fell short of the mark. As night closes I declare my day complete and rest in God’s forgiveness.
Our pastor even spoke on the need to take a personal inventory at the end of the year. Search my heart oh God and create a clean spirit within me.
Why do a personal inventory, you may ask. An inventory takes stock of where we are and where we need to go. It weighs the choices of our lives, and shows us the fill marks and gaps of our spirit. A personal inventory isn’t just an accounting of good vs bad, it’s a fuel gauge for tomorrow. An inventory shows us what we need to let go of, and what we need more of in the year to come. It lightens the load making traveling easier.
This is not the time to be frugal my friends. Last year’s emotional coat will not do for 2011. It’s outdated, it’s threadbare and ragged. It’s full of holes from fret, worry, and sin. It’s knees and elbows are blown clean out. We cannot travel the road ahead when we are being weighed down by the past. It isn’t even substantial enough to keep out winter’s chill.
No. We need to leave the rags of this year at the feet of Christ before we can wear the glorious robes he has for us in 2011. Robes of freedom, grace, forgiveness, and mercy. He trades in our tears and our hurts for garments of praise and laughter – no matter how long it takes for them to arrive, we need to let go of our threadbare coats of yesterday.
According to my sight log, people are searching for How to Let Go, How to Say I’m Sorry, and What their Identity in Christ is. Those are my top posts every year. They were important to me, which is why I wrote them, but even more so I can see they are important to others as well. Inventories teach us how to let go, when to say I’m sorry and who we are in Christ. Inventories are good things.
As the year closes, I take a much larger personal inventory and again declare the year complete – clean slate, ready to start anew. I personally use an inventory system that I learned in Al-Anon many years ago. We borrow this method of personal inventories from Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s by far and large the most thorough one I’ve ever found.
SexClick Here for Spreadsheet (for married’s this is a good place to look at whether or not you used sex as a weapon this year – I mean really, how many headaches can a woman get, you know? – or what about escaping through romance novels, flirtations, porn, day dreaming, or emotional affairs?)
Food and Diet issues: This one does not have a spread sheet. I’m presently in a Bible study regarding food issues. Things I would include is frequency of exercise, diet pills, laxatives, bingeing, purging.. those sort of things. Everything I fell to this past summer.
This system may be a bit much for most people, and it is one that really should be worked through with a mentor. If you’d like more information on how to do this type of personal and fearless moral inventory please see http://www.step12.com/step-4.html.
I strongly suggest everyone do this kind of personal inventory at least once in their lives. It’s astounding.
I offered a different type of inventory last year, one I learned from Michael Hyatt. This one is much lighter and is good as well. I’ll give you a light version of mine – I’ve left the more private details off.
If the last year were a movie of your life, what would the genre be? Drama, romance, adventure, comedy, tragedy, or a combination?
Combination
What were the two or three major themes that kept recurring? These can be single words or phrases. For me, they were:
2009
Giving my family wings
Learning to use my own wings
Learning to get along with less and enjoying it more
2010
Growing Roots – Having moved over 20 times in my life, I often feel rootless. This year I have been able to connect with friends from back home in Redford. Having people in my life today, that I’ve known since sixth grade, is settling and freeing all at once. This is a new gift and I love it.
Trusting God More
Spiritual Growth
What did you accomplish this past year that you are the most proud of? These can be in any area of your life—spiritual, relational, vocational physical, etc. Be as specific as possible.
Resigning from the Ablaze Church Mission Board – — It was time to move on. Ablaze is now established as a satellite location of our home congregation Our Savior Lutheran Church. I’m very proud of what we accomplished. By next year they will be looking at opening a pre-school and calling a full time pastor. Knowing I played a part in God’s overall plan for that congregation thrills me and humbles me all at once. It was an awesome three years.
2010
I auditioned for my first major motion picture movie.
I met and connected with a legitimate local casting company
I interviewed agents (making a decision and hiring one in first quarter of 2011)
What do you feel you should have been acknowledged for but weren’t?
Leaving this one blank here — but it’s a good question to ask and think about.
What disappointments or regrets did you experience this past year? As leaders, we naturally have high expectations of ourselves and others. Where did you let yourself down? Where did you let others down?
Deleted 2010 here as those issues were forgiven and let go of.
2010
Being sick on my back for six months and having a partial hysterectomy
Caving in to fear and abusing over the counter diet pills and laxatives
I didn’t perform live as often as I wanted because of illness.
What was missing from last year as you look back? Again, look at each major area of your life. Don’t focus now on having to do anything about it. For now, just list each item. Here is my list:
Spiritual connection. I felt dried up, even though I was studying high liturgy and other things of God, the connection with Christ just didn’t seem to be there. I spent most of 2011 in my head.
What were the major life-lessons you learned this past year? Boil this down to a few short, pithy statements. Interestingly, I’m leaving some of last year’s here as well.
A life without something to dream and pursue creates bitterness. It is better to pursue a dream and fall short than to hide your heart and fall asleep.
I can make a fool out of myself and actually live to tell about it. Meeting the Osmonds in a see through blouse on accident, did not rob me of the joy of having met them finally. I’ve learned to lighten up. NEAT!
People are in far more pain than I can ever imagine – especially if they are pastors. Grace for the road means a lot.
Love me for a reason – is more than just a signature song. It should be a way of life.
And there you have it, my personal inventory for 2011. It doesn’t really matter which method you use, there are many available. All that matters is you at least try to do one and in the end, give it over and declare the year complete.
Have a blessed New Years my friends. See you in 2011
“Mom, could you please take your hands off the ceiling of my car? You’re freaking me out.” — D-man yesterday as he drove home from school.
I rode with my youngest for the very first time yesterday. He did great. I looked like spider woman with my arms splayed in every direction and my feet pumping imaginary breaks at various points of our 10 mile drive home from school. Learning how to drive is a rite of passage that I wasn’t sure D-man would ever have. He’s had epilepsy since he was six and until we got it under control, driving was a non issue. He hit his two-year seizure free mark on October 5. One more year, and we can buy life insurance. I am happy for him and sad all at once.
DH taught our oldest to drive, and I didn’t ride with him until he had his license. Because of D-man’s busy daytime schedule of high school and Vo-Tech, we are in the car a lot. It only makes sense that I let him drive as much as possible even if it means my learning how to not hang onto the ceiling. While, I’m happy for him there is a real part of me that knows my baby is spreading wings, and I have to let go a little more. He’s a junior this year, and he’s already told us that he plans on leaving for Nashville once he graduates. Oh boy.
To keep me on my toes, our oldest called on Sunday to let us know that fall break starts on Wed, BUT he wants to go to Texas with some buddies for a couple of days and he’ll be home for the weekend. It seems there is this girl that he met through a friend – via Skype – and they are planning on meeting in person. Telling me he wanted to go to Cancun with his buddies for Spring Break would have scared me less than this. I was in a funk for two days. He’s 19, and he crossed state lines to meet a girl! sigh.
This is a wonderful season for my guys. They are testing their wings, and as a mom I have to let them, even when I want to strap myself to their sun visor like some Saint Christopher amulet. We’ve raised them well. All I can do is keep creating a home worth coming home to – and good memories for them to keep in their hearts and trust that God knows the plans he has for them, plans not to harm them but to give them a future and a hope. (Jer 29:11) God doesn’t have grandchildren.
We gave them wings, guess I should let them fly hunh?
“Forgiveness allows you to lead your own life and choose a joyful existence rather than giving it over to the control of others less qualified.” Andy Andrews – This was the facebook status of a friend of mine today.
I have a stack of books in my office by Andy Andrews. I haven’t read them yet, but I plan to. I used to have five different books going all at the same time and I recently discovered something. I cannot accurately glean real content when I read like that. Reading five or more books at one time is akin to sampling a buffet table without savoring the meal. I’ve tasted everything, I’m full, but am I nourished? Probably not.
In eating, I’m learning to savor each bite and focus on that. In life and in reading, I’m trying to do the same thing. Andy’s books deserve more than to be grazed, they were written to be fully enjoyed. They have nuggets of meat that need to be chewed and digested in order to provide proper emotional and spiritual nourishment.
I did add Andy to my buffet table of must-reads and have indeed started two of his books at the same time I was reviewing a third. I’ve gleaned enough to know that he is a far deeper read than I originally thought. I had to put them down and set a better table for myself. Finish the book review first – I owe the author that much and then read Andy’s books.
We all deserve nourishment, don’t we? We miss it when our scope is so broad that all we do is placate our hunger with junk food and rushing. Just look at the above quote. Forgiveness is an active verb that empowers us to lead our lives, and to choose joy. Not forgiving is akin then to giving our lives and our joy over to the control of people less qualified to control our lives.
How profound is that? If I’m busy grazing everything on the table, I miss the meat. I not only need to slow down when I eat, I also need to slow down my living and stay focused on the moment at hand. In my rush to get it all done, I’m missing the real deal.
What joyful nuggets of truth are you missing today in your rush to get it all done?
While putting together this new blog format and platform, I ran across my Nicole Johnson files. I first discovered Nicole when I was at Women of Faith back in 2004. Most of her sketches were humorous that year and being of the bulimic mindset that if a little is good well then the whole thing must be wonderful, I bought her entire set of videos and watched them all in one sitting.
I do that you know, binge on things other than food. That’s part of what this whole blog series is about, the effects bingeing and purging, and trying to find balance and peace instead of control. I don’t just eat one cookie, I eat the whole bag. I don’t just buy one book, I buy the whole set. If I find a sweater I like, I buy every color in my size. I don’t just join a health club to rehab my knee I, fill my living room with machines and wear myself out.
After a while guilt kicks in and I have a garage sale and purge my home of all evidence of my extremes.
Fortunately for me, I hang to my DVDs.
This particular video is on Nicole’s Fresh Brewed Life You Tube page, and I think it’s very profound. This sketch was written for the Revolve Tour for teens and speaks to the baggage we all carry around with us. Enjoy. Please note that the young woman acting in this video is not Nicole but rather a young woman named Katharine. Katharine Everett is a graduate from Baylor University and is a gifted and I dare say anointed young actress who really brings these sketches to life.
This post written by Deana O’Hara for Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic, all rights reserved. September 18, 2010. Confessions is not a bible study or teaching, but rather a resting place for the stories of my life as I learn to give them voice. In everything, test the Spirits, go back and look up the scriptures mentioned, read the commentaries and learn for yourself what God’s Word would reveal to you. Disclaimer: No goods or services were received in exchange for this post. I only write about resources that I find encouraging and want to pass on to others.
Deana O'Hara - Speaker, Comedian, Writer 