Dear Readers and Friends. An unexpected trip to the ER this weekend reveals that I have a bladder infection that has traveled to my kidneys. Angry kidneys hurt like none other let me tell you. I’ll spare you the wonderful details. Suffice to say I am on Lortab for pain as well as nausea meds and antibiotics. Per doctors orders I am resting, re-hydrating and focusing on getting well.
I have learned that Social Networking and pain medication are not wise cohorts. In light of that, I will refrain from blogging, Tweeting and Face-booking. I will be checking in with my primary doctor on Friday to make sure that the infection is completely gone. Until then – have a wonderful week.
I’m looking through a different mirror today, one that isn’t my own necessarily. I discovered that someone I care about is afraid of me. Shocked and more than slightly concerned, I wonder how I missed that.
They have me on a pedestal that I don’t belong on and when I expressed displeasure over a specific action I watched them go through an internal meltdown that I cannot control. Man that was painful to watch. You can see the brain turning and the lies manifest in a physical crumbling of the body and a tearing up of the eyes and you can’t stop it.
They are convinced because I expressed disappointment in an action that we can no longer be friends.
Every fiber of my being wants to wrap my arms around that wound that lies to their soul and love them. I’d do it except that it’s not my place really. I’m not invited.
Fear is an awesome captor and a devil of liar. Fear whispers – “See they don’t love you, they think you are a horrible person and failure as a friend. You don’t deserve that. Send them away, I’ll keep you company, I won’t share your secrets. I won’t wound you like she did.” Think of Golum from Lord of the Rings, do you remember his evil alter ego? If I could paint you a word picture to describe what fear looks like angry, it would be that.
I know, because I’ve been there.
Fear lies. Whenever we are afraid of someone and they offer the slightest criticism, fear tells us they are wounding our soul and questioning our value to breathe air. And so we breathe deep, we stand tall and we make fits – and like three-year old children we attack the person who dares question us and we find safety under a mask of emotional violence. And then, just like that, we run away and hide our wounded selves.
Fear is selfish. It demands attention and hates to be ignored. It doesn’t want what’s best for you it needs attention to flourish. Left ignored it dies.
Fear is afraid of light. Why? Because light heals the broken and musty places of our inner being. If I take away her fear or in any way try to diminish it, uninvited, I rob her of growth.
I try to remember those mentors in my life who walk with me and love me through fear and think about what they do that I might do the same. Only I got nothin. Then, after seeing three posts on fear just this very morning my answer came. Those I invited in did embrace that wounded part of me. I have to be willing to be vulnerable. I have to be willing to say out loud the lies fear whispers to my brain. And for those times when fear held me captive, those I did not invite in, let me go with love and peace.
I’m not invited. I do not cause her fear, I cannot control it, nor can I cure it.
And so, I love her and I wish her well. And I know, that like me – she will find her way in this crazy thing we call life.
Dear Paris, I’m not sure if you are coming back just to see this photo, or if you are wanting to read more of my blog. If you would like to see my other stories you can click on the top banner that says Redemption’s Heart and the page will change to my most current page. Thank you so much for visiting.
Fear and desire are two sides to the same coin. – Vis-a-vis my stupid fortune cookie.
We ordered take-out tonight. I love fortune cookies if for no other reason than they make me laugh. (Not that I believe in them, just to clarify they are for fun) And I love Chinese food. double bonus. I do not love the ” fortune” I got tonight and offered to trade. Until I read his anyway. Do you know what his said?
“Engage in group activities that further transformation.”
He chuckled when he read it and then he asked me the rudest question, “So how’s the cycling thing going?”
I didn’t see the trap and lit up like the 4th July. For 1o minutes this man, my soul mate, listened to me talk about this blog and that book and this group and that ride. He stopped me at rides.
“So when are you going?”
“That group ride you’re talking about. When are you going to ride with a group?”
“Oh I’m not ready to ride with a group, there’s too much to learn.”
“Sounds to me you got the right fortune, but you want mine. You can’t have it. “
“Because you’ll never find what you are looking for in a book. You want the experience without actually having the experience. It can’t happen. Put down the books and just ride. It’s the right next step.”
Busted. He’s right and I know he’s right. The only way I’m going to learn how to ride with a group is by riding with a group. Books aren’t going to teach me that.
My question to you , Do you remember a time where you desired something but were afraid of it at the same time? What did you do?
A blizzard hit Tulsa on this day back in 2011. Do you guys remember that? I do. We had a blast being snowed in at our house.
I also remember hitting the slopes of Sweden on this day in 1982 and meeting my first – and only – lumberjack in drag. -I posted this a while back and since it’s the 30th anniversary of said encounter My Life: The Flying Circus (you can click on the link to read it) I thought I’d share it today. I hope you don’t mind.