Category: Redemption’s Heart – pieces of my story

Poetry Walking

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If you cannot be a poet, be the poem.  ~David Carradine

 

Johnny Depp refers to Angelina Jolie as “poetry walking” during a post production interview while filming The Tourist and I love that image. Is he speaking of her body, her eyes, her scent? Maybe it’s the way she carries herself or how she speaks. Poetry walking has an understated sexuality to it as well as sensual imagery.

As a woman this makes me weak in the knees.

As a poet this inspires me.

What *is* poetry walking? I’ll spend a good part of November exploring that.

Writing prompt for my nablopomo sisters – if you are so inclined – what is poetry walking to you?

 

 

Poetry: I Believe

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I’m studying voice right now and writing a lot more poetry.  I’ll admit this isn’t the voice I’m used to hearing from myself. It’s raw and unedited. I usually reserve those pieces for my journal.  November is the whole national write a novel month. Rather than write a novel, I’m going to gather, edit, and write my first poetry book.  It’s time.

I Believe

I believe that if our eyes meet across a crowded room and my heart flutters you either have a flask in your pocket or a criminal record.
I believe  that love is a choice and not always an easy one. I believe in skinny dipping, the beauty of the human form, the healing power of creating art, and that laughter is a gift. I believe that green tea is a lousy alternative to a good cup of coffee, that God is real, that I have a purpose even if I don’t always know what it is. I believe that life can only be lived in the now. What was, was. Don’t look back. Trust should be earned and blind trust is detrimental to the soul, that gossip can ruin lives, there are no accidents, there is no such thing as a do-over button, but there are second chances, being able to say goodbye is just as important as saying hello, and I believe that while some fear is healthy
I don’t have to be it’s bitch. Deana O’Hara

Written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All Rights Reserved. 10/23/11

I have a Speech Impediment: Totally Like Whatever, you know?

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Speak with conviction…. it’s not enough to question authority, we need to speak with it. – Taylor Mali

I’m taking a writing course right now on finding my writers voice and I love it. What I find interesting is that while people will tell me to write like I speak, I’d rather not. I shared with the group that I speak with a lilt a lot of the time. Meaning when I’m feeling insecure in my surroundings, which is more often than not, I use more of an interrogative tone than an authoritative one. I also abuse commas and semicolons.

This particular speech impediment is not caused by growing up in the 80’s.  Nor is it from some physical attribute such as a cleft palate. No. My speech impediment comes from fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of disagreement. Fear of being thought too forceful, too opinionated, too much, or perhaps too little. I am over coming that one truth at a time.

I discovered Taylor Mali this summer and have fallen head over heals in love with this man’s writing and his delivery. His use of humor and poetry to run home strong truths is like you know, awesome?

Enjoy.

Three Choices

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I jokingly tell people “It’s always about me and the sooner we all get on the same page with that the better.” I’ve had a really crummy week y’all. Every inner voice imaginable has struggled to be heard, acknowledged, and at times smacked down.

I’d complain really, but the truth is none of the events of this week are really about me.

  1. I lost a friend to death on Monday. A high school friend suffered a pulmonary embolism on Monday sending all of us into shock and disbelief. I personally took her death really hard. She leaves behind a husband, a son, a best friend and many people who love her. While my grief is mine, her death is not about me. I can grieve and learn to let this go.
  2. A close family member is giving me fits. I’ve participated in their dysfunction for so long that I can no longer tell truth from fantasy. Again, while I play a part in this dance their issues and refusal to grow up really aren’t about me. I need to let it go.
  3. I joined a writers group this week with some fantastic writers. We are on a 6 week journey to find our real voices. This IS about me. This is my safe place. A place to process, grow, separate chaff from wheat and step into the wilderness of the unknown. THIS I have control over. This is a good happening.

Not everything that happens in the crazy mixed up planet of ours is about us. My first homework assignment for the group was to assess a poem by Mary Oliver called The Journey. What I discovered was not just one voice, but many. I had four days to read the poem and process my thoughts. A day makes all the difference. While processing this poem I met my ingenue, my wounded child, my victim and a new voice who is still trying to tie it all together before midnight tonight.

Wish me luck.

Breaking the rules.

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“Let’s face it, I’m at that age where the only way I can lose weight is to either cut my hair or shave my legs.” — Deana O’Hara

If you are looking for a what not to say to an audience of mostly men, I can give you a list.

There are three things men cannot easily recover from.

Sex.

Childbirth.

Hormones.

The rules for this particular night were simple, keep it PG. I played by the rules and stumbled upon an unwritten understanding that women shall not tell the truth in front of men. Out of 7 comic only 2 of us were female and neither of us made the finals.

There is a difference between killing on stage and dying.

I died Saturday and I’m okay with that.

My set isn’t for men, it’s for women. The judges were male and they did not like me.

While a more experienced speaker will look at their audience and adjust accordingly, I chose to  stay the course and be myself. Was that the right call? Not if I wanted to win. Fortunately, I didn’t go there to win a contest. I went there to defeat fear. In staying the course I beat the voice in my head that insists that if I continue being myself, I’ll be alone. Misplaced safety nets are detrimental to my well-being.

Just as a child cannot receive self-esteem by being given A’s for effort alone, neither can I. Confidence comes only as an after effect of facing down my fears and doing the unthinkable.

Being fully me sometimes comes with a price, like losing a contest. And yet the joy my inner woman shows every time I allow her to be heard is priceless.

Even my computer is insecure. Great.

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I saw this message when I logged on today:

You are using an insecure browser! It looks like you’re using an insecure version of Internet Explorer. Using an outdated browser makes your computer unsafe. For the best WordPress experience, please update your browser. Update Internet Explorer or learn how to browse happy.

“Learn how to browse happy.”

I love that.

It makes me wonder though. I mean what does it mean to browse unhappy?

Do web pages compare themselves to one another?

Do systems suffer from server envy?

Is a large bandwidth the result of too much sugar

or an over inflated ego?

Is Joomla a code word for ganja?

Is SQL anything like LSD?

What makes a browser insecure?

Did I not appreciate it enough?

Is sad because Google Chrome is just that much shinier?

I do have to laugh, heaven knows I’m insecure enough. Really – you should have seen me when I found out a guy I knew when I was 15 has since graduated from Yale as well as the Chicago School of  Law and is now an attorney in Utah. Suddenly my whole career achievements paled in comparison (in my imagination at least) and I turned into a blithering puddle of insecurities. It wasn’t pretty, trust me.

I was an exchange student in Sweden my junior year, which is how I met this fellow to begin with.  While I loved being there, it did hurt my overall GPA and my grades weren’t good enough in high school to get into the University of Michigan like I wanted. I wound up graduating with an Associates Degree from a local business college instead.

It does not matter that I ran my own data room by time I was 21, was a Sigma 7 Analyst for Motorola’s board of directors, trained engineers on global network optimization, or that I designed and engineered the SS7 network protocol system for the MCI/Wiltel network integrations including electronic and geographic diversity – no easy feat when you know how incestuous telecom really is. I did all of that before I turned 33, at which point I left my career to raise my family.

When presented with something I label as more prestigious than what I’ve accomplished, I crumble like bad cheese.

Unlike Internet Explorer, my upgrades to security don’t come with a click of a button, although I wish they would. Mine comes with hard work, honesty, self-realization, and hopefully a sense of humor.

How about you?

What things make you feel insecure. How do you deal with it?

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved. september 29, 2011.

Lying can lead to depression

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How are you?

Just doing life. I’m fine. You?

Liar liar pants on fire!

Do you know what fine means? Feeling Insecure Neurotic and Emotional.

How many times do you or I have conversations just like that and we’re lying through our teeth? Why do we do that? Fear, Arrogance? Pride? I’m not sure. But we do.

We used to sing this camp song at school called, Going on a lion hunt.

Anyone remember the words?

Goin’ on a lion hunt.

Goin to catch a big one.
I’m not afraid.
Look, what’s up ahead?

Mud!
Can’t go over it.
Can’t go under it.
Can’t go around it.
Gotta go through it. [Make sloshing sounds and move hands as if slogging]

Life is like that sometimes. We might not intentionally go out hunting lions, but we come up on all kinds of obstacles.. and we can either wear ourselves out trying to force ourselves over, under, or around – OR we can go through it.

To tell you the truth, I’m not the best “goer through-er” kind of person. I’d rather see the issue and be over it already. I don’t like feeling raw and I don’t like the insecurity the unknown brings. Nor do I like the vulnerable feeling of letting someone else know I’m going through something hard.

Getting “over it already” is arrogant especially if I’ve minimized what’s really going on. Some life things really are hard.

Curling up and dying rather than deal with the issue is like trying to go under it. It buries you and solves nothing. I know, because I’ve been there — two years of depression. It was horrible. Thankfully – I’m out of that and far better.

Pushing it aside and trying to go around it by ignoring it doesn’t work either.

No.

The only honest approach – the one that gets any of us to the other side is to admit, “this is hard” – and then put one foot in front of the other and trust that you can and you will walk through it one day at a time.

You don’t have to be tough.

Or hold your chin up.

You can cry if you need to.

Laugh when you can.

Breathe in and out.

Stay in today.

And before you know, it’ll be tomorrow, you’ll be through it and you will be stronger.

But it all begins with telling the truth. What you find when you do that, when I do that, is people are far more understanding, helpful, loving, and compassionate than we ever imagined. By telling the truth we find our hope again and that’s a good thing.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved.

Heading for Yukon Oklahoma!

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Me with Michele VanDusen at Yukon Community Theater in 2010

Okay so it’s a little blurry but this photo is from last year’s A Funny Thing comedy night in Yukon Oklahoma. Michele and I were part of a comedy competition last year and have been asked to come back again this year. I am so stoked! Michele placed and while I did not — I’m going for it this year.

I’m new to the comedy circuit and while I felt weird starting stand up in my 40’s I’ve since discovered that I’m by no means the youngest newcomer. I met a gal in her 60’s this week starting comedy and I think that’s awesome.

I got into stand up as a way to overcome stage fright. I’ve been MCing various charity events over the years and struggle when the crowds reach over 50 people. Since doing stand up I can now speak comfortably in crowds much larger than that.

Learning stand up has made me a better speaker, a better writer, and just a lot more fun. Unless I’m trying to take your emotional temperature to assess whether or not I can joke with you, then I’m a neurotic mess. Fortunately those times are few and far between. Stand up has also given me a healthy outlet for my warped sense of humor which is definitely a good thing.

There was a time when telling jokes would terrify me and through practice, patience, time and friends who believe in me, I’ve over come that.

What fears have you faced down in your life? I’d love to hear from you.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. September 15 2011. All rights reserved.

 

 

A New Paradigm is on the horizon.

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Excerpt from Frogs on the Curtains (coming out in 2012) –

To be handed one’s emotional ass on a silver platter and yet have so little regard for self, that the best revelation one can muster that anything is wrong  is stomach issues, persistent blushing, and chest pain is a travesty. While it is true that artists are capable of being emotionally empathetic to a fault and that our souls can easily be a magnet to acts of spiritual terrorism, we still have choices.

Does one choose to succumb to this warped sense of reality, thereby being a victim of the fractured mirror of others as well as their own learned misogynistic views? Or can the false mirror be broken and a new paradigm created?

Some world views are nothing but a fractured reflection of one’s own self-hatred and false dichotomies.

Unrealistic expectations and lies of others do not define me.

I

DEFINE

ME.