Category: humor

The Defenders on CBS: Standing on the Shoulders of Giants.

Deana3 Comments

My youngest son has accused me of uhm, having a thing for male eye candy on TV and he’s getting annoyed. Seriously? The child who shushes us during certain commercials is calling ME out? Ha! I have no clue what he’s talking about.

I watch 24 with my family because it is action packed and my boys like it. Same with all of the other shows I like. Bones, Castle, and The Human Target are all good quality, action packed family shows. So what if the lead actors are a bit on the hunky side, that’s not why I watch them. I’m also a natural redhead, and men read Playboy for the articles, but I digress. I like Lie to Me and The Mentalist as well and no one can accuse those guys of being, “eye candy.”

Look at the alternative popular shows. Raising Hope just raises my blood pressure and tells me that Cloris Leachman’s retirement portfolio is worse than mine, and don’t even get me started on Cougar Town. I hate that show.2 1/2 Men is disgusting.  The Good Wife is depressing. We have enough hospital and policeman soap operas to last to eternity and there’s no real comedy in sitcoms anymore, (well that nerd show is cute, but I can never remember when it’s on) so what’s a girl to do?

Well, if you are like me and sick of garbage on TV, maybe you are plugged in to The Defenders on CBS.  If you aren’t plugged in, then you should be. It’s clean, it’s funny, it has some drama, and it’s got heart, without the candy. I love it. Is it realistic? No, not really. But the world is real enough. Frankly, I like being entertained for an hour.

Granted, maybe the no candy thing isn’t entirely true. Don’t tell my son, but I watch the show for one actor and one actor alone..

Yep..

It’s true.

I have a thing for Nick Morelli.

Shocking I know.

He’s a believable character. I mean yeah, it would be nice to have some mystery novelist, or FBI agent chasing after me, but they seem so high maintenance when you think about it. They are hunky to be sure, but they are so needy. Castle is insecure and Booth has commitment issues. And both guys fall for emotionally unavailable women who lead them around by their noses whether they realize it or not. I mean they look good and all, but do any of them really wear the pants in their relationships? no! And Jack Bower? Every women he falls for gets killed. No thank you.

But, Nick? Nick has heart. He cares deeply about people, about justice, and about life. His partner, played by Jerry O’Connell, is an annoying, self-absorbed playboy. (Jerry plays him very well I might add.) Pretty boys are boring. They are easy to size up, easy to manipulate and easy to toss away. They are, as my friend used to say a one trick pony. I’ll take a man with soul over a man with designer soles, any day.

Nick has heart, he has passion, and he has mystery.

My son can think what he wants. What makes something eye candy, really depends on the lens through which we view it. And what might be appealing to a 20 something female is not necessarily what is appealing to a 45 year old woman who has lived a bit of life – isn’t even close to the same thing.

Granted, I am just a blogger and today’s episode did trash bloggers, and according to some hollywood writer who apparently got their wittle feelers hurt, “bloggers are wanna be journalists who don’t have ethics and write mean nasty things about people.”

Maybe.

And yes, said writer can laugh all the way to the bank while I write for fun. (Translation: I write for free.) But I don’t say mean, nasty things about people. Okay – I said I hated Cougar Town, but can you blame me?

Still..

This unethical, non journalist likes the show. You should check it out.

And for some fun trivia, my favorite quote of the night was “We are standing on the shoulder’s of giants.” which is taken from (per http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Standing_on_the_shoulders_of_giants)

For the Oasis album, see Standing on the Shoulder of Giants.
Dwarfs standing on the shoulders of giants (Latin: nanos gigantium humeris insidentes) is a Western metaphor meaning “One who develops future intellectual pursuits by understanding the research and works created by notable thinkers of the past”; a contemporary interpretation. However, the metaphor was first recorded in the twelfth century and attributed to Bernard of Chartres. It was famously uttered by seventeenth-century scientist Isaac Newton (see below). The picture is derived from the Greek mythology where the blind giant Orion carried his servant Cedalion on his shoulders.

“Standing on the shoulders of giants,” is not just some great pep talk. that phrase  is a reminder that we are but dwarfs standing on the shoulders of greater men and women than our selves so that we may have a better view.

Those of you who read my blog know that I perform stand up from time to time and that I study comedy. I don’t study so that I can borrow or steal — known as being a hack by insiders– but so that I can learn. I write and perform my own stuff. To do less than that would discredit those who went before me.  It would be a disservice to people I respect greatly, like Gilda Radner, Carol Burnett and Lucille Ball. I have a lot of respect for comedy writers and comedy performers. It takes intelligence to write and perform clean comedy. There is a lot of intelligence in The Defenders.

No matter what our field, our ambition, or our goals, we are all standing on the shoulders of giants. Those great thinkers who went before us to lift us up to better heights. Never should we be so bold as to think the hill we stand on was made of our hands.

Compared to these guys, I’m a dwarf. A very grateful one and I’ll never forget that.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart: Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic. All rights reserved. 11/17/10

Atomic Carrot with Flames

Deana3 Comments
Human hair close-up
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Late breaking news.  A hair crisis hit Broken Arrow when we discovered that all new hair growth along my crown and center part appeared to be white. In an effort to hide this Bride of Frankenstein phenomenon, I pulled my hair back in a ponytail only to discover that the hair on my temples is also white.

That can’t be.

Granted, we did have a frost this weekend. But white hair? at 45. Say it ain’t so Joe.

It’s so.

And I did what any rational woman would do.

I tried to bleach my hair blonde so as to blend better with the new white and as quick as you can say “Nice and Easy,” I invented a new color.

Atomic carrot with flames..

and the white roots? are still white.

Since misery loves company, not to mention really cute hats, would any of you like to share your hair fiascos with me?

When Teams Share Names

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I worked for Sprint Communications from 1986 – 1990. During that time I fixed computers, wired muxes, installed PBX systems and ran a data room the size of my kitchen. I was pretty smart back then I think. Even so, sports and I are not really friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll watch the Bears with my guys any day and back then, I sat in the bleachers of Wrigley Field with my binoculars (to better see the second baseman with) like every other gal in the city. I love baseball, and I love my Cubs. But.. even an avid sports fan (Rhino groupie) has her limits.

Take the day I was covering the lunch shift at the switchboard.

Me: Sprint Communications, how may I direct your call?

Voice on other end: Yes, this is Joe Montana, may I please speak with Loren?

Me: Oh I get it, a code name! Sure I’ll put you right through. (Loren was our secret service guy — used to work for President’s Ford and Reagan.)

Voice: No. This is really Joe. We went to college together.

Me: Oh I know you! You’re that guy who does those panty hose commercials. I love those commercials.

Voice: Sigh. No, that would be the other Joe. I play football.

Me: Really? For who?

Turns out Mr Namath Montana played for San Francisco. Hmm.. I would have known that if I really cared about football. But I didn’t. Turns out, he was cute! Shoulda ‘paid closer attention.

Now.. If I got Joe wrong, can you blame me for thinking that the New York Giants won the World Series?

I think teams should make up their own names and not steal from other sports. Just sayin.

Friday Funny PG-13, Date Night

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I love date night. It’s an excuse to dress up and be adults and try to be interesting again. It also beats walking around in sweats with my hair pulled back in pony tail. Which, sadly very easily becomes my stay-home-wife costume most days. I get in slumps where I know I’m not going anywhere important and I get lazy. I’m very female, I love to be pursued by man – in every sense of the word. Even on the days when I am pushing his hands away and telling him “not now” I really love it. I need date nights.

While spontaneous dates can be fun, I prefer the planned ahead kind. I like knowing it’s on the calendar, that he’s planned it out and all I have to do is get dolled up – for him – and be ready to go out when he gets home.  Jeff told me on Monday that he wanted to go out on Thursday and I had all week to plan and look ahead. I love the anticipation. We wound up going to one of my favorite restaurant in Utica Square and went to a new wine bar after that. The whole night was planned and I didn’t have to do a thing — PERFECT!

Relationship books will tell you that it is important to schedule dates and even sex, otherwise things like that get left to the way side of marriage, kids, and jobs. I wholeheartedly agree, while spontaneity has its perks, planning can be a lot fun.

Several years ago, I decided to be cute with my hubby’s blackberry. This little gem contains the life, the universe, and everything and has a nifty calendar feature. I started simply enough, posting important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, school plays and then I put things like “send your wife flowers today.” Then for fun, I added a little something extra — I picked a random date that was open and entered a lunch date in which he was to “go home and ravish wife.” In other words, I scheduled a sex date for the middle of the day just for fun.

I overlooked one small item. Corporate issued cell phones sync to corporate view calendars. Every day my husband plugged his blackberry into his computer to upload his calendar. Imagine his surprise when his secretary called him to say that she was trying to schedule a meeting for him but he had a conflict. When he asked her what kind of conflict she hesitated and then giggled.

“Uh, it says here that you have a lunch date to go home and ravish your wife. Should I move that out or do you want me to deny this other meeting?”

I no longer have access to his cell phone.

So tell me, what is the funniest thing you have done with your husband or significant other in trying to be romantic?

Written by: Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart: Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic. All rights reserved. October 15, 2010

Never Skip Church to Write Comedy: Just Sayin’

Deana8 Comments

(Added 1/3/11 – Not that I’m neurotic or anything – okay, I am, but that isn’t the point. – While I’m happy you are here – please note that this post is just an off-center offering regarding a glimpse at my strange mind — it’s not about Jim so if you are looking for him – check his web page at www.jimbelushi.ws – really – you will be glad you did. That is the only official page for Jim Belushi – according to his webmaster, Jim is not on Facebook. Correction: Jim is now on Facebook according to his webmaster and you can find it HERE.) – 9/13 Oh and TY Google for screwing up your “tidbits” and making people think  I said THIS (as in my blog) is his page when I said the ws page was.  Okay back to our regularly scheduled post.

I had a dream the other day that I was married to Jim Belushi and I am beside myself over the irony.

It was your typical Sunday afternoon. The guys are watching football on the big screen and I am up in our room writing comedy on my lap top. I am on fire, writing great bits of wit and wisdom.  I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, I am no longer in my room but on a sound stage. I look at my teenage son and notice he’s written the letters U and F on his front teeth — he had apparently looked in a mirror while writing his message to the world with a sharpie. Dad (Played by Jim Belushi) enters the kitchen scene and we argue over our son’s newest stunt. I point out that every time he smiles he’s really telling us something obscene, even if it is dyslexic. Dad scratches his head and acts oblivious, I call him a moron – enter canned laughter and I exit the scene.

Off set I place my hand on my chest and proclaim to myself “Yes! I so totally rock as a comedic actress.” Looking back I see a look of shock on Jim’s face. A heaviness settles in my heart and before I can shake it, the scene goes black.

SCENE TWO:

I am in my real bedroom sorting and tossing monstrously huge broken bottles of  conditioner into a trash bag on my bed. My heart is heavy and I am feeling more insecure than I’ve felt in ages, which is saying a lot really. I’m speaking with a brunette mother figure and simply ask her to go get Jim for me, I want to speak to him.

This scene is different, it’s not a set. My confidence is gone and each bottle of hair product I try to throw away is larger and more awkward than the last. I’m lost in that struggle when Jim enters behind me, clears his throat and waves a pillow in my direction to get my attention.

I take a step toward him, only he crosses his arms and so  I stop. I”m a wreck and while he notices that, he does nothing to make me feel better. He simply stares at me for what feels like forever and finally speaks. We are apparently married or something in this dream and Jim definitely has the upper hand in this conversation.

Jim: You wanted something?

Me: yeah. About what I said. I shouldn’t have said that.

Jim: You mean calling me a moron?

Me: (Eyes on the floor) Yes, That. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have said it.

Jim: Do you think I’m a moron?

Me: (Looking up) NO!

Jim: Then why did you say it?

Me: I don’t know.

Jim: (Arms still crossed raises right eye brow.)

Me: (Shuffles feet, starts smoothing my bedspread) – I was trying to be confident and funny. Like you guys. (Personal comment here: Like I’d EVER say that out loud, you know? I’m such a dork in my dreams.)

Jim: So, calling me a moron makes you confident and funny?

Me: yes, I mean No. … sigh.. I was trying to fit in. I’m not like you guys – but I want to be.  (Sit down on bed and stares at floor.) – (Wouldn’t say that one either! Who writes this crud. Oh yeah, I’m dreaming that’s right. sigh)

Jim: (Scratches his head and catches my eyes) — So you don’t think I’m a moron.

Me: No, I don’t. Actually, I think you’re awesome.

Jim: (Arms unfold and hands go in pockets) I see. …Comedy is a tough deal. First thing I’d tell you is to quit trying so hard to fit in. You are better than that and that won’t bring you confidence. People see right through that crap anyway.  Just be yourself. Oh and don’t call me a Moron, it hurts my feelings.

Jim leaves the room and I lay down.

Scene goes black. and I wake up.

It

was

a

dream.

CRAP —

I have to admit this dream kinda shook me up for the rest of the day as well as most of Monday. As a middle-aged woman stepping on stage, entering into yet again another male dominated field – having a dream about Jim Belushi calling me out, is a bit of a neurotic deal, you know? I mean he’s played all the venues I’ve ever dreamed of back when I performed all those years ago – Second City, SNL, Movies, Sitcoms. You name it he’s done it. He’s like the Godfather of comedy.  Okay, maybe that was a stretch, but you know what I mean right?  I used to see him at Cubs games when I lived in Chicago. No I don’t know him. Never met the guy.  Still, he’s fearless and funny and just a regular joe from Chicago and I felt like a five-year old in trouble with Dad in that last scene.

And so I’m stuck with two thoughts:

1. Jim Belushi is either some kind of father figure, my conscience, or God, and I’ve totally lost my mind

AND

2. I’ll never skip church to write comedy again. I’m pretty sure God is messing with me.

I could ask a thousand questions about what does this all mean, why Jim? Why the neuroses? Why can’t I have a cricket for a conscience? Why the conditioner – okay if you’ve seen my hair you get that one.  Question’s won’t help. I still have my set for Yukon to finish editing. I have to look at Jim later — I’m sure there is something about him — that made him come to mind while writing on Sunday — Time will tell. I did delete everything I wrote on Sunday afternoon, — Dream Jim was right, it really wasn’t that good.

For those interested, Mr Belushi is in a new television series called The Defenders which is actually really good. I like it. You cannot turn on a tv without seeing an advertisement for this show, which is probably why he was on my brain to begin with. At least I hope that is the reason and this isn’t going to turn into some Christmas Scrooge thing where I’m visited by comic ghosts of the past, present, and future. That would suck.

(Side note: I did buy his book, Real Men According to Jim, and reviewed it HERE.)

Hey Ma! Can I keep It?

Deana3 Comments
Chicago Botanical Gardens

I’m hiding in my room today. I actually have the flu, but I’m also hiding from my gardens. I had great plans to write about my fall gardens and the beautiful colors that are coming out. It is time to weed back my summer beds so that my fall mums can bloom. Unfortunately, I believe my mums are going to have to bloom without me this year.

You see, my son found a tarantula this week, and I haven’t recovered. He asked if he could keep it. We have in the past been home to an odd assortment of tree frogs, snakes (hidden in his closet because I had said no to those at some point), hamsters, guinea pigs, lizards, dogs, cats and fish but never a spider, so his request was not unusual. That’s why I’m here in my room and not outdoors. Not because I let him keep his furry friend, but rather because I didn’t and it is now roaming free in my gardens. I hate spiders more than I hate snakes. Over the years we’ve had to edit our pet allowance verbiage. “Must have legs” has now been changed to “no more than four legs allowed.”

I have a tarantula living in my garden beds. And I’ve seen the movie Eight Legged Freaks with my boys and I am freaked out. I think I’ll let him keep the garden.

Charlie is away at college and Dillon is a Junior in high school. I know the day will come when I’ll miss our ad-hoc petting zoo.  Well, I’ll miss the boys, that much I do know.

I wrote a song years back describing life with boys — It’s sung to the tune “My Favorite Things.”

There are frogs on the curtains

and snakes in the closet

lizards in cages

and mud on the faucets

smelly old gym socks stuffed in every chair,

is it any wonder I’m losing my hair?

I don’t know what

happened to me

I used to be so calm

now it’s fist fights

and wrestling in my living room

and endless calls…

for Mooom!

 I wouldn’t have it any other way. Just, no spiders please.

 This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart: Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic. All rights reserved. September 30, 2010.

Lost in the Hootsuite

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It was bound to happen, one click and all of my social networks collided — I mean merged. Within seconds I have new blog posts, new Facebook updates and new twitter announcements, all because hootsuite is really that cool and I am really that much of a computer dork.  

I honestly didn’t mean for them to collide. All I wanted was one page of columns that would allow me to keep track of my main systems. I did not intend to simulcast my thoughts willy nilly to the world and yet I did exactly that. oopsies. I’m not sure if I need to call the Geek Squad or a Taxidermist. Hootsuite, Taxidermist, get it?    

For those of you who came here looking for my joke about fur coats that was blasted into cyberspace and then deleted by me, sorry about that. I had no idea my system also sent out an email. To make up for that, I am posting the joke again.  

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather,   

because it’s safer to harass rich women than biker gangs.  

There, aren’t you happy now. The post that got eaten has now returned.    

My posts are going to slow down a bit while I re-work the whole “Spiritual Bulimic” concept in my brain. It needs to be more organized and structured than it is at the moment. I thank you in advance for hanging with me.  

If you would like to subscribe and receive email updates when new posts are sent out, please be sure to click on the subscribe button on the right hand of the screen. That way you won’t need to come back every day to see if I’ve posted anything, and you won’t miss a post either.  

Have a great day everyone.  

   

From Clown School Drop out to Major Film Star? News at 11.

Deana2 Comments

                                                                              

What secret dream do you dream when no one is looking?

I dream about juggling and being a clown in the circus. That’s a nice practical dream to have when you are 45 don’t you think?   Sometimes, I go into my garage and dig out my old polyester scarves and practice juggling them. Just for fun mind you. When no one is home, I will stand there dropping juggling tossing up my colorful scarves. While I watch them float to the ground, I remember what it is like to dream about running away and joining the circus, . Not just any circus mind you, but THE Ringling Brother’s Barnum and Bailey Circus to be exact. Clown College filled my hopes and dreams for many years. I had the chance to audition for it back in 1988 and I chickened out. True story.

The auditions were a cold call in Chicago.  A come as you are – no make up, no costume, no character, just me. I couldn’t do it. I never arrived – I never tried. I failed before I even began.

Deep down in the secret places of my heart I still want to be a clown, just like my hero Emmett Kelly.

Sometimes secret places can be good places and sometimes not. This kind of memory brings joy mixed with regret. 

I studied clowning for a short time under a former Ringling Brothers clown named Bonzo – aka Barry DeChant – he’s long retired by now I’m sure. Barry worked with our class of wannabes and did his best to teach everyone every secret he knew. I would hang on to every word he said and would try to master every last stance, grin, guffaw, and stunt right up until he taught us how to juggle.

Did I tell you I’m dyslexic? Dyslexic people should probably not juggle. Just sayin.

They shouldn’t twirl batons either — I did that in Junior high. Everyone would toss their batons up and to the left. Mine would go up and to the right. I took out more basketball players with my baton during half time than the cheerleaders did all season.

juggling was no different.

Toss Toss Catch Catch became Toss Toss deargodrun!

The class excelled and Barry gave me scarves proclaiming proudly I couldn’t possible hurt anyone with those — he would have been right too, if he hadn’t stuck me next to the flame thrower for our final show. Good thing those flames weren’t real or that would have been really ugly.

I’m too old for clown college but I’m not too old for second chances. I’ve MCed various fundraiser events for several years. I’ve performed comedy during open mic nights and in churches. I even tried to perform at a Christian Comedy Association conference last year for their open mic night — I suffered severe stage fright, but I did it. I’ve traveled and taken classes on speaking and teaching and performing. I’ve narrowed my focus from speaking and teaching to mostly comedy and I have no regrets. I’m actually pretty funny in case you were wondering. 

I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now and find myself in my garage with my microphone tossing out jokes to an invisible audience.

I have an audition today – with a major motion picture filming director. It’s an open call, come as you are, no character, no costume, no experience necessary — it’s just like the one I ran away from in ’88. Only this time, I’m gonna be there.

Wish me luck.

Wordless Wednesday: It’s That Hot

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Sent from a friend. Thought ya’ll would enjoy the funny.

Finding my Humor again:Liturgical Muppets Oh My!

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I’m nine weeks out from my surgery and I’ve discovered that while I handled my female issues with some levity and humor, that humor did not carry over to my coverage of the Synodical Convention or the arguments about our National Youth Gathering. I need to change focus and fortunately for me, a friend provided a wonderful opportunity to laugh.

My friend posted on facebook that “I believe liturgical puppets are a sign of the apocalypse.” At first I thought he was talking about our more conservative brethren, (stuffing is stuffing you know) but apparently not. He was actually  referring to churches employing walking puppets as part of their liturgical dance procession.

The whole confusing dichotomy of liturgical dancing aside, I really thought that was funny. Think about it. You are sitting in church – and as part of the opening processional you have dancers, streamers, and walking puppets made up to look like either really large people or – if you are celebrating creation that day – maybe a 12 point buck or something.

I live in the south. We’re a little on the sunburned side when it comes to the backs of our necks, and my church is full of card-carrying NRA members who hunt.

I am fairly certain that if a 12 point buck (paper mache or otherwise) came dancing down our aisles, it would be shot without hesitation. No offense to those of you who employ such creativity in your church, but I really don’t think it would work down here.

And since you know I’m not always right, I cannot shake the image of a Jim Henson Liturgy.

Can you imagine?

You’d have Big Bird as the cantor

Miss Piggy Leading the choir

Oscar the Grouch delivering the sermon

and Cookie Monster serving communion.

No church service would be complete without those two cranky old men in the balcony so add them to.

What images does this new practice bring to your mind? Or Do you use liturgical puppets in your processional? I’d love to hear from you. What purpose do they serve?

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved. Please keep comments polite and on topic. I reserve the right to delete any comments off topic or just down right snarky.