Baggage by Nicole Johnson

While putting together this new blog format and platform, I ran across my Nicole Johnson files. I first discovered Nicole when I was at Women of Faith back in 2004. Most of her sketches were humorous that year and being of the bulimic mindset that if a little is good well then the whole thing must be wonderful, I bought her entire set of videos and watched them all in one sitting.

I do that you know, binge on things other than food. That’s part of what this whole blog series is about, the effects bingeing and purging, and trying to find balance and peace instead of control. I don’t just eat one cookie, I eat the whole bag. I don’t just buy one book, I buy the whole set. If I find a sweater I like, I buy every color in my size.  I don’t just join a health club to rehab my knee I, fill my living  room with machines and wear myself out.

 After a while guilt kicks in and I have a garage sale and purge my home of all evidence of my extremes.

Fortunately for me, I hang to my DVDs.  

This particular video is on Nicole’s Fresh Brewed Life You Tube page, and I think it’s very profound. This sketch was written for the Revolve Tour for teens and speaks to the baggage we all carry around with us.  Enjoy. Please note that the young woman acting in this video is not Nicole but rather a young woman named Katharine. Katharine Everett is a graduate from Baylor University and is a gifted and I dare say anointed young actress who really brings these sketches to life.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic, all rights reserved. September 18, 2010. Confessions is not a bible study or teaching, but rather a resting place for the stories of my life as I learn to give them voice. In everything, test the Spirits, go back and look up the scriptures mentioned, read the commentaries and learn for yourself what God’s Word would reveal to you. Disclaimer: No goods or services were received in exchange for this post. I only write about resources that I find encouraging and want to pass on to others.

Who Are You? The Holy Ghost Jr?

Photo of actor Paul Reubens as "Pee-Wee H...
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Pee Wee Herman had a classic kid line in his television shows, “I know you are, but what am I?” Do you remember that chant from the play ground? I do. It was the ultimate comeback, usually spoken by a kid who’d just been called a name. I know you are, is his shield of protection. Hopefully, when we grow up we let go of childish ways. Hopefully we don’t call eachother names and if it happens we have the Grace to let it fall, leaving us unharmed.      

Sometimes though, we just come up with a more adult version of “I know you are.”      

What are you the Holy Ghost Junior?      

Oh yeah, that’s much more mature.      

I’d shared a few days ago that someone had threatened to excommunicate a few of us for participating in something they didn’t approve of. I also shared the fear that threat caused, as well as God’s response to my pleas. This particular individual is just being a bully, and is not representative of The Lutheran Church Missouri Synod in any fashion way or form. It is one thing to lovingly come along side a brother or sister (friend) and offer instruction or guidance if that is your relationship and it is quite another to butt in where you don’t belong.      

What I like about my experience this week is how God responded. He provided, first Grace and then correction. The Grace came when he let me know He heard me and I was still enough to listen for him. Being still is not a strong suit for mine. Truth be told, I’m not really sure that I give God a word in edgewise during most morning devotions. I’m a bit of a talker really.    Even so, good as I am at tattle telling on people I presume to be acting as the Holy Ghost Jr, God wanted me to hear something about myself as well.  

A Facebook friend posted a link to a Chuck Swindoll sermon on Romans 14 – I jumped on it and listened with the most self-righteous mindset that I’ve had in a long time. Festering wounds will do that you know, make you self-righteous.      

And then something wonderful happened. Another friend emailed me the sermon. And then another. For whatever reason everyone was listening to Chuck this week. He’s doing a wonderful series on relationships and the Christian Life. I’m going to go back and listen to them all.      

In the mean time though, Romans 14 really jumped out at me, and I wanted to share an example from my early Christian walk. I’m going to use the message translation here, but you are free to look this passage up in your own preferred translation if you’d like. This is not a teaching, but rather a sharing of how this passage looked to me, as a young Christian 15 years ago.      

Romans 14: 1 1 Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with—even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently.      

We’d only been members of Trinity for a few of years before Jeff and I chose to sign up to lead the youth. Our oldest, Charlie, was in third grade and we wanted to be a part of his youth group. This was a huge step of faith for me. I lived in constant fear of doing something wrong – and thus being found unacceptable. Our first event as youth leaders was a collaborative effort with the other youth groups. We were doing an all church picnic with fundraisers for the youth and Jeff and I were in charge of the jail.      

People could buy warrants and have people arrested at the picnic and they would be taken by a youth member and placed in our makeshift jail. They could either post bail, serve their time which was fifteen minutes, or if they had a get out of jail free card, they could show that and be released. I was in charge of the get out of jail cards and I wanted to be cute and creative.      

I created Grace cards.      

And I charged for them.      

Grace, a free gift of God any other time, but not today.      

That was the point wasn’t it? It was a fundraiser and get out of jail cards cost less than bail so I thought I was okay. The whole indulgences, and grace is free thing had not occurred to me. I wasn’t trying to be theological, I was trying to be cute.      

Someone must have said something to pastor because before long he stopped by to inquire on what I was selling. Grace cards I said, they get you out of jail for free, would you like one?      

Pastor took a step backwards, looked me up and down, thought for a minute about, weighing in I’m sure my enthusiasm and his probable theological concerns and simply stated, “You do know that Grace is a free gift from God and cannot be bought right?”      

I’m sure I was purple as my words came tumbling out at 100 miles an hour, “Oh yeah, I knew that. I was just trying to be cute and this is a fundraiser and I wanted to do a good job and did I do something wrong?”      

Pastor smiled, patted my shoulder, and stated, “no, you are fine. Keep up the good work.” and walked away.      

The flat thud of grace for a new believer trying to do good. What a wonderful example to follow.      

I need to remember not to jump all over someone, just because they don’t see things the way I do. No fair resorting to childish remarks like “Holy Ghost Jr.”  I need to learn to extend Grace, because Grace has been extended to me. 

So, what about you. Can you remember a time when you were extended Grace or extended Grace to someone? Would you share with us?      

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic, all rights reserved. September 18, 2010. Confessions is not a bible study or teaching, but rather a resting place for the stories of my life as I learn to give them voice. In everything, test the Spirits, go back and look up the scriptures mentioned, read the commentaries and learn for yourself what God’s Word would reveal to you.

In The Hands of God

Martin Luther by Lucas Cranach. The Protestant...
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I’ve had quite the week.  

DOWN: How do I describe promoting a concert for three months only to find out the Non Profit putting on the fundraiser never had a signed contract?  

UP: I was upset over this deal gone bad when a  friend calls me back – from the airport mind you – while he’s traveling, to talk me through the whole contracts and clauses issues. While it doesn’t fix the problem I experienced, they still make me feel better because I know I am not alone, nor am I the first person on the planet to ever get into a pickle. Talking to my friend, left me feeling blessed and dearly loved.  

BIG DOWN: Then I find out there is a slight possibility that someone may try to have me excommunicated if I participate in an event that I have been participating in on and off since 2000. Why? Because our synod doesn’t agree with their synod therefore – no playing together in the sandbox. You can call it politics if you want, but I call it being a self-righteous uhm.. donkey.  

I wasn’t in a good mood the day I was told I might be kicked out,  and I made our music director cross himself when I stated — What can man do to me? My salvation is secure so, tell them to Bring it!  

Can I let you in on a little secret here – being kicked out of the church has always been my biggest fear – until this week. I’m not afraid anymore. For the first time in my entire life, that fear has no power over me.  

It’s been a roller coaster week full of joy and deep hurt for this body of Christ. I’ve been praying, reading, talking, and trying to listen to God. I was also complaining a bit about how silent I thought he was being here. I mean did he want me to sing or not? Can I live with the consequences of my choices or not? Will he be there for me or not?  

Some days I look back over my life, remembering all the times the church said no, and I was on the outside looking in. Time and time again I see how “the church” or whomever I was associating with the church seems to fail me. I’m selective in my reverie at those times and tend to leave out all of the good that comes with the church as well.  

 Monday was one of those selective memory days. It was also a peanut butter and hot-fudge sundae for dinner kind of day.  At least it was before God reached into my broken and hurting heart in a way only He can. I was sitting in my truck, waiting for my son to come back with our sundaes, and talking to God about all of the mess of it. I was wondering if they really will kick me out and how will that impact my family, and it’s just a rumor God, but could they really do it? Why do all these things happen? Will I ever find peace in the church? How do I get through this?  

 Out of the blue I’m hit with this realization:  

Satan was afraid of me.  

In that same moment that my heart remembers a song I haven’t heard in ages: In Christ Alone.  

Those two truths hit me with such emotional force that all I could do was cry.  

God not only heard me, but he speaks to me as well.  

Just when I thought I was ready to bag the whole Lutheran thing, God brings me to a web page I didn’t now know existed in Synod called Jesus First Leadership. JFL appears to support the same causes and mind-set towards missions that my husband and I hold dear. I don’t know enough about them yet to really know anything, but for today it was enough.  

And just in case those things weren’t enough, God also brought me to this quote today in my readings:  

Once when Martin Luther was at the height of his struggles with the Roman Church, someone asked him what he would do if the princes and their supporters deserted him. “Where will you be then, Martin?” he was asked. The bold reformer replied, “I will be where I have always been, in the hands of God.”  

My hope isn’t found in things, concerts, non profits, or man. My hope is found in Christ alone. The God who not only hears my heart, sees my pain, but responds to me with Grace, love and an affirming touch.  

Have you ever felt like Satan was out to get you?   

Did you ever stop to wonder why?   

Where do you place your life, your needs, your hurts and your hopes?   

Do you place them in food (like I can), alcohol, work, relationships, yourself?   

Or do you place them in Christ Alone, the author and protector of our faith.  

Lost in the Hootsuite

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It was bound to happen, one click and all of my social networks collided — I mean merged. Within seconds I have new blog posts, new Facebook updates and new twitter announcements, all because hootsuite is really that cool and I am really that much of a computer dork.  

I honestly didn’t mean for them to collide. All I wanted was one page of columns that would allow me to keep track of my main systems. I did not intend to simulcast my thoughts willy nilly to the world and yet I did exactly that. oopsies. I’m not sure if I need to call the Geek Squad or a Taxidermist. Hootsuite, Taxidermist, get it?    

For those of you who came here looking for my joke about fur coats that was blasted into cyberspace and then deleted by me, sorry about that. I had no idea my system also sent out an email. To make up for that, I am posting the joke again.  

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather,   

because it’s safer to harass rich women than biker gangs.  

There, aren’t you happy now. The post that got eaten has now returned.    

My posts are going to slow down a bit while I re-work the whole “Spiritual Bulimic” concept in my brain. It needs to be more organized and structured than it is at the moment. I thank you in advance for hanging with me.  

If you would like to subscribe and receive email updates when new posts are sent out, please be sure to click on the subscribe button on the right hand of the screen. That way you won’t need to come back every day to see if I’ve posted anything, and you won’t miss a post either.  

Have a great day everyone.  

   

Let’s Talk About it: Why are you a ………

In yesterday’s post I commented that I choose to be a Christian because it works for me.

That comment both confused and upset a few people. I didn’t mean that nearly as flip or me-centric as it may have sounded. And I’m sure it does pose the inevitable question of “So if it stops working does that mean you’ll try something else?”  While that is a very fair question, the answer for me is no, I am not going to go somewhere else when this doesn’t seem to be working for me. It really isn’t about me, I’m home.

The problem is though – Christianity isn’t all I’ve ever known. So for me, it was a choice. Whether that faith came from God or was passed on by my Grandmother and other witnesses is not my point of discussion for right now. I’ll get to that later, I promise.

My question for you guys though is this:

What is your faith tradition. Why are you a _______________ (Fill in the blank)

 

This blog post written by Deana O’Hara for Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic. September 8, 2010. All Rights Reserved.   This is a friendly place, please keep all of your comments and discussion respectful of others. As owner of this blog, please note that I reserve the right to delete all comments that are snarky and/or off topic.

And the Maharishi Said Yes: The truth about Transcendental Meditation

 
(This isn’t my best writing, and I know it. Neither is it a teaching, but it’s here and for what it’s worth, I’ll leave it be for now.)
This is a blog, and only a blog. Sometimes I love this little slice of cyberspace and sometimes – like today – I feel weighed down by its constraints. Blog readers are skimmers and rarely loyal. Those of you who do read these posts, know my story and keep coming back anyway are truly appreciated. I am still apprehensive about going from reporting on our Mission Start to sharing my own personal journey in faith. Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic seems almost narcissistic to me and yet this is the path I feel God is leading me down. So I simply write and tell the truth and trust that God is not setting me up. He doesn’t need me to defend his church or his reputation, he only asks that I share my story with truth, and kindness.   

  This particular entry is by no means exhaustive and I find myself weighed down by the fear that I’ll make the church look bad and I lose my aim for the eggshells that I’m trying to avoid. I began this particular piece of my story  under the post If the pastor doesn’t like me, can I still join?  In that post I shared that I had been to many outreach events as a kid, but was never allowed to become a member of those churches. The TM group however, was more than willing to accept my mother and I into their fold.My aim for today is not, the church didn’t want me so I joined what Christians will define as a cult instead even if that is true. Nor is my aim to slam meditation. My goal today is to shed some light on why we made the choices we made, and how those of us who dare to call ourselves Christians today can make better choices in how we treat others.   

 I don’t choose to be a Christian because the church was so wonderful and kind to me growing up —  I choose to be a Christian today, because it works for me – and yes, I really am that selfish. Now, I don’t mean that nearly as flip as it sounds and I will elaborate on that more clearly in later posts, I promise. And the real truth here is God chose me long before I ever knew him. So it really isn’t about me at all.  

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi 1957-1998


The Maharishi is dead, long live marketing Gurus.
  I’m a little frustrated with the internet right now. Everything I remember about the Maharishi and his school doesn’t match what I’m finding.  The Maharishi Mahesh Yogi was a very kind, intelligent, and generous man. I can say that because I’ve met him before. There is a lot that would draw you to him. He was kind, compassionate, loving and truly had a servant’s heart.  Everyday people from The Beatles to single moms like mine were drawn to him.   And yet they (his web page designers) credit him, not with religious practices, but with a relaxation technique practiced world wide.TM’s WEBPAGE  says that “The Transcendental Meditation technique is not a religion or philosophy and involves no change in lifestyle.”   

I can still remember kneeling before an altar, somewhere in Michigan, with statues that I did not recognize. My Spiritual Guide/Instructor was with me and the flowers and fruit (food for the commune I assume) that we were told to bring laid before me as an offering of some kind. My instructor placed her hands on my shoulders and started speaking in a language I know today as Sanscrit. I was being prayed over. To whom the prayers were going? I have no idea. We would go back for visits and spend time with our instructors. At each visit my teacher would ask me about me. She was genuinely interested in who I was, what I was struggling with. The teachers lived on the compound. They grew their own food, lived together, worshipped together and supported each other. And even though people like my mother and myself did not live there — we were considered part of their family. So tell me, how can something that is simply marketed today as a relaxation technique, and yet full of religious ceremonies and offerings NOT be a religion? — It used to be, before they watered it down and simplified it in order to gain the Western Dollar. Todays TM schools are not what the Marharishi set out to achieve.  

Looking back, and knowing what I know today I still believe in the benefits of meditation, I just don’t believe that TM is the answer or the proper way. TM is not mindful — my mantra was simply the word “ing” and I was instructed not to share that word with anyone else or it wouldn’t work for me any more. Also at that time, words were added to your mantra and you progressed in their program. I later learned these “meaningless” syllables were actually sanscrit prayers. So there was some deception taking place depending on who trained you and where you were trained. It’s strange what memories children hang on to.    

We eventually grew beyond this compound and began searching and exploring different areas. For me that meant Christian writings and eventually the church. For my mother?She’s been so badly abused by the church that she’ll never return. Now don’t get me wrong, my mother has an amazing faith in God, she just doesn’t like Christians.  

So, what does that experience have to do with the church? A lot.  

Some facts:

For all of their outreach efforts: community fairs, youth events, and great speakers – the churches in my neighborhood were not equipped to bring in youth as members. They had nothing to back up and support young people needing more than just a great talk or a gymnasium to play in after school. – as I’ve shared before I went to those things but when I approached the pastor’s about joining their churches they had no means for that. To be quite honest, I see the same problems in our outreach today as existed then. 
For all of our talk of a loving God, Christians can be some of the most unloving and judgemental people around — myself included here.
Meditation does have scientifically proven health benefits.

A 2007 national Government survey that asked about CAM use in a sample of 23,393 U.S. adults found that 9.4 percent of respondents (representing more than 20 million people) had used meditation in the past 12 months—compared with 7.6 percent of respondents (representing more than 15 million people) in a similar survey conducted in 2002. The 2007 survey also asked about CAM use in a sample of 9,417 children; 1 percent (representing 725,000 children) had used meditation in the past 12 months.   

People use meditation for various health problems, such as:   

  • Anxiety
  • Pain
  • Depression
  • Stress
  • Insomnia
  • Physical or emotional symptoms that may be associated with chronic illnesses (such as heart disease, HIV/AIDS, and cancer) and their treatment.

Meditation is also used for overall wellness.   

Taken from:  The National Center for Complimentary and Alternative Medicine .    

 Meditation is scripturally sound. Groups like TM and the way it is marketed has however given it a bad name. The marketing became mystic and told people that you can learn to levitate and other such things that just weren’t true and were not part of our original teaching.  For the Christian who is reading and questioning my blog, lets not throw the baby out with the bath water here – love or hate my experience with TM and the pieces I choose to include in my life today – the love, acceptance, and servantship – search the scriptures for yourself. Go to biblegateway.com and look up “meditate” and study those contexts.  

One last note because my readership is so broad: TM practices as taught today and the Buddhist faith, which is also meditative in nature, are nothing alike. I’m not an expert on the Buddhist faith and you’ll need to research that yourself if you want more information  — There are many techniques out there that are more productive and beneficial than TM as marketed today. The mindfulness of Buddhist meditation engages all of your senses and helps you stay focused. It lowers your blood pressure and calms your mind. There is also Tai Chi or Yoga exercises where your mind and your body are equally engaged, both of which I have done and gained great benefit from.  

   So there you have it, my short story about meeting a really nice man — and a page of opinions mixed with what I hope are helpful facts –  guaranteed to snap an egg-shell or two.  

For more information on TM you can also see these two links.  

http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transcendental_Meditation     

 http://www.maharishischool.com/TranscendentalMeditation.html     

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart: Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic. September 7, 2010. All rights reserved.

Women of Faith: Tulsa Oklahoma, Imagine Tour

 Ephesians 3:20-21 “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”

Real Women

Real Life

Real Hope

I can still remember the day back in 2004, that my friend Rita stopped me in the hall, pointed to me and said, “YOU need to go to Women of Faith this year. It’ll change your life.” I seem to think I rolled my eyes at her and laughed. I was tired, beaten down with life and grief (I’d buried 10 friends that year), and frankly I was not in the mood for some churchy, happy, smiling faced, woman’s conference. I was falling apart and the last thing I wanted to do was sit around and listen to a bunch of women who had it all together tell me how great they are.  Don’t mind my pity party or self loathing – or the fact that I lived in constant comparison at that time – and always (in my opinion) fell short of everyone else – I was apparently enjoying it because I stayed there for an awefully long time. There is defeat brought on by life and there is the kind of defeat brought on by ourselves – I was losing hope.

The truth is, I was already secretly handing in my ministry resignation to God — going to a conference was not (in my opinion) going to fix me. I’d already convinced myself that I was too broken to be of any use anyway. Basically while I hadn’t given up on God, I had pretty much given up on myself – and thought he has too.

Ever been there?

Feeling smug in my ability to ignore my friend’s recommendation, I was not amused when I got a flier in the mail inviting me to a Women of Faith Conference in Oklahoma City.  Nor was I amused when a gal in my bible study announced that she was going and wanted someone to come with her and decided it would be me.

I’m a believer that God speaks through people. When I hear something once I might pay attention — but when the message comes to me three times in one week, I’ve learned to listen even when I have a broken heart.

I’ll never forget that first conference. I was introduced to wonderful teachers and speakers like Kathy Troccoli, Sheila Walsh, Patsy Clairmont, Luci Swindoll, Thelma Wells, and Marilyn Meburg. I laughed. I cried. I learned and I leaned into Christ for two solid days. I had no idea Christian women could be so honest with eachother.  Chonda Pierce was even there – which is how I met her, but that is another story.

I knew then and there, if I only go to one conference a year WOF was it.  Every year, God breaks my heart open just a little bit more and makes room for His healing touch in my secret places. He fills my heart with scriptural truths, joy, and tears and faith in what He alone can accomplish.  This year was no different.

This year I got to go with a bunch of gals from my church who had never been before and since it was in Tulsa they thought “Why not.” — What a joy it was to be there with them, laugh and cry with them — and stretch out to God with open arms — knowing that He was reaching back. One of the gals even asked if it was always like this and when I said yes, she said “oh this is a no brainer, I’m coming back next year.”

How cool is that?

Women of Faith is totally Christ focused. It’s full of gifted communicators and teachers who share their life stories, and share a faith in Jesus that always leaves me astounded – and hungry for more. I love it.

I’ll give you a brief recap of the Imagine Tour and some of what we learned. If you want to know more about the speakers, just click on their names to go to their web pages.

Marcus Buckingham: In a world that mainly focuses on fixing what we’re weak at, author and speaker Marcus Buckingham offers a rather different paradigm. Marcus believes that our strengths are gifts from God and he suggests that we find what we are strong at, and grow in those areas.  Now I’ll be honest I reviewed Marcus’ book Find Your Strongest Life Now a few months back and I had a hard time reading through it at first. It’s a bit too technical for me. I read a page of credentials and my eyes start to roll back into my head, but that’s just me. Once I saw Marcus speak and explain his thoughts at WOF’s opening day, I gained new insight into what it means to use the gifts God has given us – not for ourselves – but in order to make a difference in the world.  Strongest Life is definitely one for the tool box. Marcus has put together an easy test that helps you find your strength categories. I’m a Creator/Teacher. If you’d like to take his simple test, simply click Strong Life Test.  and see for yourself. – and remember, this is just a tool — Our toolboxes are only as useful as the tools we place in them. I like adding things to mine.

 Lisa Harper: My first question is how did this wonderful bible teacher keep from being on my radar all these years.  I really like this woman. She’s bright, funny, intuitive, and scripturally sound –  I could relate to Lisa on almost every level. I say almost, because I haven’t lived through everything she has. But close. Lisa talks about a personal relationship with a God who is passionate, powerful, loving, and untamed. She speaks of a Hero in her life – named Jesus and what he has done and continues to do.  She speaks about the women in his life from Mary to Martha to the woman in rags, she speaks of His grace, forgiveness, attention and love that he displayed towards them and continues to display towards us today. My only regret was not taking notes — I really wish I’d done that.

Luci Swindoll: How do you describe a woman like Luci? She’s a painter, a singer, a liver and lover of life. She is passionate about everything she does and brilliant to boot. What I originally liked about Luci was her common sense approach to living out her Christian walk. She embraces the life God has given her and does her best to live it out to his glory and not her own. She’s a giver in every aspect of living. She spoke about the importance of feeding our souls – with important stuff, not stuff of the world, but stuff of God’s gifts to the world – she is also careful to remind us not to be selfish with that, but to share with others.

Sheila Walsh: Even though Sheila is second on the roster, I’m writing about her last. I cried my eyes out the first time I heard Sheila speak – her story is so profound and heartbreaking and refilling all at once that you can’t help but be moved by it. I’ve had a wonderful time watching Sheila grow over the last six years. She is a beautiful, anointed, and gifted teacher, singer and speaker. I can only describe this journey as watching her grow into her skin and be happy there. She’s British (or maybe Scottish, I’m not sure) and it’s easy to mistake the posture that comes with it as cold assurance – when in reality I find Sheila to have this tender heart that just melts anyone’s who knows her. She teaches with clarity and focus and apparent confidence. This year she taught on trust — she spoke of Gideon and Abraham – and to quote my girlfriend – she got “in my business.” and I love it. She has a very gentle and affirming way of combining Gospel and Law in life changing lessons. If you saw only her — it would still be worth the price of the entire weekend.

There were more speakers and skits and singers but it would take a whole week to write about them. They are all wonderful teachers and inspiring women who speak of a faithful and true God. If you’d like to know more about Women of Faith please see their web page at www.womenoffaith.com

Have a blessed Monday ya’ll

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved. Please note that no goods or services were exchanged for this blog post. I am simply sharing my personal opinion on valuable resource.

What if the pastor doesn’t like me? Can I still join?

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” Mark 10:14

 

I am a member today of a Lutheran Church in Oklahoma, very much a Christian and very much forgiven and beloved of God, but you know I didn’t always belong to a church.

Confession: I used to believe if the pastor didn’t like me, he (or she) wouldn’t let me belong to their church.

For you life long, church going, Christians out there, that probably comes as a shock. Shock or not, I really did believe that and acted accordingly. This false belief creates a serious dilemma. I want to be part of a faith community and this one man (or woman depending) stands (I believe) as a spokesperson for God; I’m going to have to perform and dance and lie through my teeth if I want to stay here. Not much different really than what I believed about God back then but I am ahead of myself.

My desire to belong mixed with the possibility of rejection, created a fear within me that was so strong that the presence of a pastor made my body shake.  And if they were wearing a death suit? (Black shirt and collar) I would hyperventilate. Nice hunh? yeah, I was a mess and a half. They call that idolatry – placing things or people in higher regard than God, but I didn’t know that. I just thought those were the rules. You are either in or you are out.

I used to try and hide my shaking by placing my right hand on the wall and my left hand on my hip. But then my knees would start to give and ….

To put it another way, my attempts to keep from falling off the planet, made me look like Mae West.

My physical shaking did not stop until about six years ago when I buried ten friends in twelve months. I was so devastated by my personal losses that I no longer cared if any of them liked me or not. They could all hang from a tree as far as I was concerned and like me or hate me I was here for the duration. I sat in church and cried for weeks on end, hanging on – not to their words, but to God himself.

Some faith communities require believing before belonging. Others allow a person to belong long before they really believe. Thankfully for me, by God’s Grace, we found such a community in Oklahoma.

Trinity Lutheran Church in Busted Stick Oklahoma is the very first church I ever belonged to in my entire life. Our family joined Trinity in 1993.  It was a strange set of circumstances that brought us there really. 1. My husband was raised Lutheran, therefore… 2. It was within walking distance from our house. 3. I was a young stay at home mom in a new town, thousands of miles from my old friends. I needed other women to be around and they had young mom’s there.

Not one of those logical to me reasons included my believing what they believed. I just needed to belong somewhere. I was lonely. I’m also ahead of my story here.

When I was a young girl, I tried to join churches. I would visit my grandmother in Buffalo NY and take the bus to this beautiful cathedral and just sit in awe. Back home in Michigan, I would attend festivals and youth group things at local churches and would secretly wish for more. Even though I didn’t belong to a faith community, and I didn’t know all of the fancy prayers those churches had, I knew God and I believed I knew him well and knew that he knew me.  We were best buds growing up. He was the one adult I could always talk to — and he’d listen. I liked that about him.

One day (1978) I went with my neighbors to hear Lisa Welchel (Blair from Fact’s of Life) speak at their church. There was something different about Lisa and while I didn’t understand it I knew it had something to do with Jesus and I wanted what she had. I went home that night and sat in my bed talking to God like I normally did. I told him about everything she said and how I wanted him to please – if it wasn’t too much to ask – do for me what he did for her.

(Edited to add: I had the awesome joy of meeting Lisa Welchel in 2008 when she spoke at E-Women in Tulsa. Lisa knows this story, is touched by it and allows me to share it. — I’m not name dropping here — Lisa was a teen just like me, I could relate to her and that is important)

That very week I walked to every church my little feet would carry me to and boldly sought out the pastors. Each time I’d tell them I want to learn about Jesus and could I join their church.  Every pastor said no.

The Lutheran Pastor said no.

The Catholic Priest said no.

The Baptist Pastor even said no.

My mom, who was seeking her own place to belong brought me with her to a community not far from town, asking if we could belong, and you know what? The Maharishi, said yes.

to be continued….

From Clown School Drop out to Major Film Star? News at 11.

                                                                              

What secret dream do you dream when no one is looking?

I dream about juggling and being a clown in the circus. That’s a nice practical dream to have when you are 45 don’t you think?   Sometimes, I go into my garage and dig out my old polyester scarves and practice juggling them. Just for fun mind you. When no one is home, I will stand there dropping juggling tossing up my colorful scarves. While I watch them float to the ground, I remember what it is like to dream about running away and joining the circus, . Not just any circus mind you, but THE Ringling Brother’s Barnum and Bailey Circus to be exact. Clown College filled my hopes and dreams for many years. I had the chance to audition for it back in 1988 and I chickened out. True story.

The auditions were a cold call in Chicago.  A come as you are – no make up, no costume, no character, just me. I couldn’t do it. I never arrived – I never tried. I failed before I even began.

Deep down in the secret places of my heart I still want to be a clown, just like my hero Emmett Kelly.

Sometimes secret places can be good places and sometimes not. This kind of memory brings joy mixed with regret. 

I studied clowning for a short time under a former Ringling Brothers clown named Bonzo – aka Barry DeChant – he’s long retired by now I’m sure. Barry worked with our class of wannabes and did his best to teach everyone every secret he knew. I would hang on to every word he said and would try to master every last stance, grin, guffaw, and stunt right up until he taught us how to juggle.

Did I tell you I’m dyslexic? Dyslexic people should probably not juggle. Just sayin.

They shouldn’t twirl batons either — I did that in Junior high. Everyone would toss their batons up and to the left. Mine would go up and to the right. I took out more basketball players with my baton during half time than the cheerleaders did all season.

juggling was no different.

Toss Toss Catch Catch became Toss Toss deargodrun!

The class excelled and Barry gave me scarves proclaiming proudly I couldn’t possible hurt anyone with those — he would have been right too, if he hadn’t stuck me next to the flame thrower for our final show. Good thing those flames weren’t real or that would have been really ugly.

I’m too old for clown college but I’m not too old for second chances. I’ve MCed various fundraiser events for several years. I’ve performed comedy during open mic nights and in churches. I even tried to perform at a Christian Comedy Association conference last year for their open mic night — I suffered severe stage fright, but I did it. I’ve traveled and taken classes on speaking and teaching and performing. I’ve narrowed my focus from speaking and teaching to mostly comedy and I have no regrets. I’m actually pretty funny in case you were wondering. 

I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now and find myself in my garage with my microphone tossing out jokes to an invisible audience.

I have an audition today – with a major motion picture filming director. It’s an open call, come as you are, no character, no costume, no experience necessary — it’s just like the one I ran away from in ’88. Only this time, I’m gonna be there.

Wish me luck.

My name is Deana and I am bulimic

Eating Cake on my second birthday.

There is a sentence I never thought I’d say or write, but it’s true. Looking back at my MIL’s photo album from the last 22 years, I can’t help but see it. My 5’4” frame has varied in weight from 127 – 210 pounds and back again since I was 13. Today, I am somewhere in the high end of the middle. My joints hurt, I tire easily, and my eating disorder has stolen more than I can even count right now.

 I read Anne Lamott’s Traveling Mercies while I was recovering from my hysterectomy this summer and while I cannot relate to her stories of alcoholism, I can relate to her chapter on bulimia. In that chapter she writes about learning how to feed herself. I read that and realized that I too do not know how to feed myself, physically, emotionally, or mentally. I can relate to her resentment over having anyone control her drinking because I feel the same way about my eating. I have refused groups like Overeaters Anonymous because I don’t want anyone telling me what to eat and when or where to exercise and how.  I’m like a two year old with a “Me do it” mentality. I have gone so far as to ask a friend in OA which “control freak” groups to stay away from so that I could stay in control of myself. I didn’t like his answer and I simply resolved to try harder. I’m failing at it miserably by the way – go figure.

 Seems I live that way a lot. Try harder and it’ll all work out. I’ve been a member of the Al-Anon Family Groups since 1977, you’d think I’d know better but apparently I don’t always.  God and I are working on that.

 Redemption’s Heart is still the main name of my blog.

 Isaiah 43  1 But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you;  I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”

You may notice that I added the phrase “Confessions of a Spiritual Bulimic” to my title. I’ve done that because my bulimia has over time become a life mind set; it over flows into everything I do. I binge on whatever it is that feels good or fills me up at the moment only to find that it doesn’t sustain. Filled with shame and guilt, I purge my emotions, my calendar and sometimes my food and vow to do better next time. It simply fits my story.

 For those who’ve been with me since the beginning, you know that Redemption’s Heart does not follow a nice clean churchy path. It is one of starts and stops, highs and lows, mixed with moments of amazing clarity and foggy confusion. I have been rejected by more churches than accepted by; refused baptism by one priest and therefore baptized in a tradition I’ve never belonged to (Episcopal); I’ve met the Maharishi, offered unwitting prayers to Sova (transcendental meditation); met the King of Sweden; believed in the healing power of crystals; studied Wiccan; practiced Tai Chi; read tarot cards as if they were real; contemplated (and eventually rejected) the possibilities of reincarnation; prayed in tongues (yes, I have that gift and will write about it later); prayed with groans when nothing else sufficed; prayed scripture; prayed to saints, dead relatives, God and the Virgin Mary. I have even conversed with Mary in dreams and argued with the devil himself.

 Somewhere in there I married a Missouri Synod Lutheran.

My road has been well-traveled my friends, and I, like St Augustine, know that it is God who has called me by name. When I am tired of listening to my own voice, I remember to get still again and listen to his.

Most of my readers were Lutheran when I first started writing and as a result, mixed with a deep seeded desire to fit in and please, I try to keep my posts what I call “Lutheran Friendly.” Today my readership is mixed. Some of you are Catholic, Baptist, Buddhist, Charismatic, Muslim, Jewish, Wiccan, and even Agnostic. We are an eclectic community in this little slice of cyber space and I am thankful for each and every one of you. I simply ask that in our conversations we stay polite and kind with each other.

 There will be posts and thoughts about God and life that you can resonate with and there will be posts that will probably violate all sensibilities and make you think. I think that is a good thing.

 I’m not here to discuss politics – in or out of church – nor am I here to convince you that I’m correct in my assessments of life or of God. I don’t know all of the million dollar words that makes Christians sound so well-educated.  I’m a traveler in this world, just like you. I’m really here because, well – I’m growing my voice and this seems to be the best way to do that. I’m humbled by the reality that many of you have chosen to join me in this journey.

 I will still review books, offer resource recommendations and talk about my daily life – perhaps ad nauseam some times and in that mix I will share with you my steps, my stumbles, my neuroses, and my prayers.

 Thank you for joining me.

This post written by Deana O’Hara for Redemption’s Heart. All rights reserved. August 12, 2010